Southern Sun Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I am watching a friend go through a divorce and he seems absolutely broken by it. The strange thing is, he is the one that wants the divorce. However he still says it is an absolutely horrible thing to go through. If you have been through a divorce, what was it like for you? Do you think it is harder on women or men? How can you help a friend going through a divorce? And if it's so difficult, how do 50% (or more) of marriages end up with this fate??
lovinDKT3 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 My divorce was horrible, mostly because I didn't want one and he went all out to have it. He pretty much walked away with nothing but his clothes. He didnt want pictures or anything. In a more general sense, its losing the relationship, the history the person that you thought would be your forever partner. Beyond that even the logistics of divorce is horrible. What do you do with the house, who gets the dogs, all of it is heartbreaking. Friends almost always has to pick sides, losing your spouses family. My SIL was actually my best friend we barely talk now. Then the thoughts of your partner dating, moving on and being happy without you.
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 It is very much like a death in some ways, even when the marriage itself is/was miserable. It's an ending, it's something you never imagined when you said "I Do," it feels like you failed. 3
lovinDKT3 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 It is very much like a death in some ways, even when the marriage itself is/was miserable. It's an ending, it's something you never imagined when you said "I Do," it feels like you failed. This. I felt like such a failure. I failed my parents, my kids the marriage and both my husband and myself. He would say WE just couldnt make it work. I felt like I didn't really try, I still had a lot in the tank to give this marriage.
Author Southern Sun Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 What is interesting to me is that their marriage, by all accounts, is over. Neither are happy, there's no love left. But he still reports that this whole process is one of the worst things he's ever been through, and assuming it happens, even though he thinks it's the right thing, he certainly won't consider it anything to celebrate. It's 20 years, kids, a life built together, even if half of it was unsatisfying...I guess I can't really fathom it. How do you help a friend in that situation? Or do you?
Author Southern Sun Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 This. I felt like such a failure. I failed my parents, my kids the marriage and both my husband and myself. He would say WE just couldnt make it work. I felt like I didn't really try, I still had a lot in the tank to give this marriage. Hmm. I can see that, and guilt playing a huge role, even if most people looking from the outside in would say that you really tried. I wonder if men struggle even more with feeling like a "failure," in certain circumstances.
Author Southern Sun Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 It is very much like a death in some ways, even when the marriage itself is/was miserable. It's an ending, it's something you never imagined when you said "I Do," it feels like you failed. Very helpful, thank you.
Robert Z Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 It is very much like a death in some ways, even when the marriage itself is/was miserable. It's an ending, it's something you never imagined when you said "I Do," it feels like you failed. For me, this came long before the divorce - the day I realized that she didn't give a damn about me and the entire marriage was a lie.
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 In my case, the religion angle and the fact that I wasn't perfect were the focus of most of my guilt. If your spouse commits the sexual betrayal of adultery, you can divorce them and many will celebrate your freedom and their downfall. But if a person is lazy, emotionally unavailable, passive aggressive, and commits the sexual betrayal of starving and withholding, you're supposed to suck it up, learn to be content, and make sure you don't step out of line because all you really need is a tighter leash, not a loving husband. 1
deathandtaxes Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 How do you help a friend in that situation? Or do you? Keep being a friend. nothing more. nothing less. Divorce sucks. It's both painful and liberating. It can take a very long time to heal. There are aspects of mine that I'm sill dealing with two and a half years later. I'm grateful for my friends just being there.
Mrin Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 For me it was a good experience. It is expensive as crap. Seriously - and we went the cheap route with a mediator. But the spousal support and everything... expensive! That being said, emotionally it wasn't a horrible experience. My ex wife and I still care very much for each other and remain friends. If anything, it was the re-discovering yourself part that was a complete trip but that was also amazingly cool. The logistics of divorce suck. No matter what. It is like a house fire combined with a forced move. Sucks. In the end, it is all how you and the STBXS approach it. You want to fight over toasters and couches, ya, it will suck. I remember one time after a mediation session I asked my XW how she was feeling. She said she felt screwed. I said good! Because I felt screwed too. That's actually the hallmark of a good divorce - both parties feel equally screwed.
2.50 a gallon Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 "And when I hurt, hurting just runs off my shoulder, how can I hurt while holding you?" Divorce means that someone in your life that you could hold, your best friend ever, has now become your worst enemy. The hurting is far worse than anything you have ever experienced, and the one you need to hold the worst, is now the source of your pain. 1
Arieswoman Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I can honestly say that my divorce was the worst thing that ever happened to me. My husband cheated with a girl at work and refused to give her up. He got the divorce papers a few days after DD and left a week or so after that. Logically I knew that I could never trust him ever again and certainly couldn't live with him again. It wasn't just the cheating that hurt, it was months of lying, gaslighting and manipulation that was unforgivable. However, I was emotionally torn in two as I was still in love with the person I thought I married and couldn't understand how he had morphed into this horrible person. It took a year for my emotions to catch up with my logic and during that time I felt I was losing my mind as I fought a daily battle with myself. I slowly realised that he hadn't changed into this new person because OW had bewitched him - he was like that all along but I chose not to see it. Looking back there had been red flags waving, showing me that he was insensitive, arrogant and entitled, but I ignored them. The first thing I had to learn was to forgive myself. The second thing was to get into some counselling/therapy to explore why I had chosen this type of person. It was an experience I never asked for, but I believe it was an experience I needed 2
Mark715 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 It depends on your situation, when I was married to my first wife I couldn't wait for it to be over. 18 months of marriage and 12 of them were the worst time of my life. The day it came through was the happiest day of my life and it will probably be the only time in my live I felt good writing a lawyer a check for 8 thousand dollars
minimariah Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 How do you help a friend in that situation? Or do you? just be there for your friend, offer support & healthy communication. be a support... that's basically all you can do. divorce is hard, no matter who wanted it & no matter how miserable the marriage was -- you see it as your personal failure. no one wants to have a failed marriage behind them, especially with the kids involved... you remember everything that you failed to do for your kids, in terms of providing a home with two parents who had stay together in a healthy union. so it's more of a "i failed miserably" moment. also, most of the people going through a divorce already have someone else "waiting" at the end of the tunnel -- that's the reason they usually go through with the divorce itself, the push. you'll notice that RARELY do people ask for a divorce without the AP, that itself is a proof of how difficult the divorce is.
Got it Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 It was sad but I can't say it was hard. I had a very smooth and amendable divorce. But we didn't have some of the contention pieces that others do like kids, debt, assets, income disparity, etc. It was sad as we grew up together and it was a closing of a major chapter of my/our life. I emotionally was done with the marriage but I still cared about him and worried how he would be. We ended very gently and so I think we were able to both move on quickly and without too much baggage from it. So, definitely sad, but not acutely painful.
Author Southern Sun Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 just be there for your friend, offer support & healthy communication. be a support... that's basically all you can do. divorce is hard, no matter who wanted it & no matter how miserable the marriage was -- you see it as your personal failure. no one wants to have a failed marriage behind them, especially with the kids involved... you remember everything that you failed to do for your kids, in terms of providing a home with two parents who had stay together in a healthy union. so it's more of a "i failed miserably" moment. also, most of the people going through a divorce already have someone else "waiting" at the end of the tunnel -- that's the reason they usually go through with the divorce itself, the push. you'll notice that RARELY do people ask for a divorce without the AP, that itself is a proof of how difficult the divorce is. That's what makes this one so interesting. I don't think either has anyone waiting. They are just that unhappy. Yet still, mourning the end of the marriage...or perhaps the failure, as others have said.
Author Southern Sun Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 you'll notice that RARELY do people ask for a divorce without the AP, that itself is a proof of how difficult the divorce is. I get what you mean here and see that it's probably true in a lot of cases... But don't you also hear that they say never to end your marriage FOR another person? Would this apply "healthily" only for people whose marriages were truly over but the other person was simply a catalyst to end the marriage, rather than an affair being the reason for the end?
Recommended Posts