Can I Trust My Digital Gut?

[Lovelorn00]

Oops. I did it again. I fell too hard, too fast. Met a guy on OkCupid after being inactive on the site for years. Despite the both of us being out of town quite a bit over the last few weeks (work, vacations, etc.), we’ve managed to squeeze in a few amazing dates. Or, at least I thought they were amazing.

He’s very sweet, a little awkward, quirky (like me), has an incredible sense of humor and adventure. He’s got a great career, is extremely attractive, and seems to have his life together, from what I can tell. Whenever I’m around him, I get some pretty crazy butterflies, fireworks, sparkles, glitter and rainbows… the whole shebang.

 

We had a date this past weekend where he told me he had to go out of town to Cleveland for work for a week. He expressed disappointment at the fact that we’d have to wait a week to see each other again, but he was very enthusiastic about getting together as soon as he returned. “I can’t wait to see you again,” he texted. Sigh. Swoon. Be still my heart.

He left four days ago. I haven’t heard a word since. No text. No phone call. Crickets. Crap – here come those silly girl insecurities creeping in again, ready to sabotage this whole thing. The icing on the cake? He’s constantly on OkCupid. Now, I disabled my account about a week ago. Not really because of him, but because I was just tired of it. However, anyone can check a profile and see someone’s “last online” status, whether they’re a member or not. Creepy, right? Yeah, I know. Blame it on the damn butterflies.

 

Should I just give it up and move on at this point? Or am I being ridiculous? Do I expect a guy I’ve only known for a few weeks to be in constant communication with me? No, that would be crazy. We’re not an official couple, and he doesn’t owe me anything. But dang, a “how’s your week going” text every now and then would be nice. Radio silence is the absolute worst.

 

In an effort to protect myself from many of the heartaches that come with love and life, I’ve tried to teach myself to pick up on even the subtlest of red flags. I soak up all the advice given by the dating “gurus” out there so that I can be well equipped to deal with this kind of crap and maybe even head it off at the pass. On the flip side, I do tend to go way too far with it. It’s almost as if my brain is LOOKING for the red flags and even creating them out of nowhere in an effort to protect my heart. It becomes excruciating, and I start to analyze my date’s every action to see if it lines up with a passage from “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

 

So, beloved LoveShackers, that’s why I’m here. I don’t know what to think anymore. I can’t trust myself when it comes to these things (clearly). Am I picking up on actual red flags? Should I just cut my losses and move on? Or is this just a prime example of someone who clearly doesn’t know how to date properly(me)?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Should I just cut my losses and move on?

 

What does that mean exactly? Are there papers to file? Tattoos to remove?

 

Seriously, you have no actions to take. He said he was going to call you in X amount of time. When X amount of time passes, if he hasn't called you, call him and find out for sure.

 

Contrary to popular believe, random people on the internet don't have all the answers.

[mg101]

Have you reached out to him at all to see if he made it to there ok or just to say hi by text or anything??

[umirano]

In any case don't start whatever it is by being a clingy fool. Play it cool. Asses his partner qualities by his abilities to keep his word.

[PogoStick]

Or is this just a prime example of someone who clearly doesn’t know how to date properly(me)?

 

NAILED IT! You're soo cute, I wish we could date and flirt. Buuuut...you're being 100% ridiculous. Can you at least give him a week (that he notified you of) to legitimately ignore you before you crush a potentially good thing?

 

Actually you're crushing my heart now that I think about it. So a woman could be absolutely crazy about me, then end it without even attempting to contact me first? Not only do I have to be amazing, but she doesn't have to do a damn thing, and it's still all my fault? Fk it I don't want to date anymore.

[deathandtaxes]

I'm gonna say that if he hasn't even texted a hi at this point, he's just not into you and pulling a fade. That, or he's seeing somebody on this trip of his.

 

What was your normal text conversations prior to this trip? Did you two text a lot? If so, I'd say this four-day period of crickets is his disinterest.

[Lovelorn00]

Contrary to popular believe, random people on the internet don't have all the answers.

 

Ha! No, not ALL the answers, but there are quite a few useful opinions out there. By combining the opinions from you guys, my friends, family, various medical professionals, the homeless man down the street, my co-workers, etc., I might be able to navigate this harrowing dating scene better than going it alone. Because I'm really sucking at trying to figure these things out by myself.

[Lovelorn00]

In any case don't start whatever it is by being a clingy fool. Play it cool. Asses his partner qualities by his abilities to keep his word.

 

I'm trying, but it's sooooooooooo hard! 'Specially since I like him so much. You're right, though. I'm trying to stay busy doing the things that I enjoy so that I'm not sitting at home pining away for him. But... it's soooooo hard!!

[Lovelorn00]

NAILED IT! You're soo cute, I wish we could date and flirt. Buuuut...you're being 100% ridiculous. Can you at least give him a week (that he notified you of) to legitimately ignore you before you crush a potentially good thing?

 

Actually you're crushing my heart now that I think about it. So a woman could be absolutely crazy about me, then end it without even attempting to contact me first? Not only do I have to be amazing, but she doesn't have to do a damn thing, and it's still all my fault? Fk it I don't want to date anymore.

 

Ack!! Wow, I never even thought about it that way. When you say it that way, it does indeed sound 100% ridiculous. Haha! Ugh. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm always trying to follow the "Rules of the Road" when it comes to dating (e.g. don't text him first, make him chase you, don't let him know how you're really feeling inside), but it drives me crazy. And it doesn't help that I’m the kind of person who just shuts down in these situations. If I see even the slightest potential for heartache, I give up, I wave my white flag. It’s a defensive mechanism of sorts. That’s a horrible quality to have, and I could be missing out on something wonderful due to my screwed up perspective and crazy assumptions.

 

Yeah, dating sucks a big one. There are crazy women like me out there who are being 100% ridiculous. Haha

 

UPDATE: Lo and behold. As I was typing this, I did indeed receive the glorious “Hey, how is your week going?” text. Sigh. Back on the roller coaster I go.

[Lovelorn00]

I'm gonna say that if he hasn't even texted a hi at this point, he's just not into you and pulling a fade. That, or he's seeing somebody on this trip of his.

 

What was your normal text conversations prior to this trip? Did you two text a lot? If so, I'd say this four-day period of crickets is his disinterest.

 

Honestly, it’s usually not an everyday occurrence. The last time we were both on vacation, we went a couple of days without any texts or phone calls. But I was on vacation and kept myself busy enough not to notice or be too torn up about it. So, it’s not totally abnormal that he doesn’t communicate every day.

 

However, I really need to ask myself if that’s a deal-breaker for me. Or just learn to not be so needy.

[empresario]

Oops. I did it again. I fell too hard, too fast. Met a guy on OkCupid after being inactive on the site for years. Despite the both of us being out of town quite a bit over the last few weeks (work, vacations, etc.), we’ve managed to squeeze in a few amazing dates. Or, at least I thought they were amazing.

He’s very sweet, a little awkward, quirky (like me), has an incredible sense of humor and adventure. He’s got a great career, is extremely attractive, and seems to have his life together, from what I can tell. Whenever I’m around him, I get some pretty crazy butterflies, fireworks, sparkles, glitter and rainbows… the whole shebang.

 

We had a date this past weekend where he told me he had to go out of town to Cleveland for work for a week. He expressed disappointment at the fact that we’d have to wait a week to see each other again, but he was very enthusiastic about getting together as soon as he returned. “I can’t wait to see you again,” he texted. Sigh. Swoon. Be still my heart.

He left four days ago. I haven’t heard a word since. No text. No phone call. Crickets. Crap – here come those silly girl insecurities creeping in again, ready to sabotage this whole thing. The icing on the cake? He’s constantly on OkCupid. Now, I disabled my account about a week ago. Not really because of him, but because I was just tired of it. However, anyone can check a profile and see someone’s “last online” status, whether they’re a member or not. Creepy, right? Yeah, I know. Blame it on the damn butterflies.

 

Should I just give it up and move on at this point? Or am I being ridiculous? Do I expect a guy I’ve only known for a few weeks to be in constant communication with me? No, that would be crazy. We’re not an official couple, and he doesn’t owe me anything. But dang, a “how’s your week going” text every now and then would be nice. Radio silence is the absolute worst.

 

In an effort to protect myself from many of the heartaches that come with love and life, I’ve tried to teach myself to pick up on even the subtlest of red flags. I soak up all the advice given by the dating “gurus” out there so that I can be well equipped to deal with this kind of crap and maybe even head it off at the pass. On the flip side, I do tend to go way too far with it. It’s almost as if my brain is LOOKING for the red flags and even creating them out of nowhere in an effort to protect my heart. It becomes excruciating, and I start to analyze my date’s every action to see if it lines up with a passage from “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

 

So, beloved LoveShackers, that’s why I’m here. I don’t know what to think anymore. I can’t trust myself when it comes to these things (clearly). Am I picking up on actual red flags? Should I just cut my losses and move on? Or is this just a prime example of someone who clearly doesn’t know how to date properly(me)?

 

 

I'm with the people that say you are overreacting. He isn't your boyfriend. Who cares? Just wait it out. If it happens, it happens.

 

 

Let's discuss you for a second. One thing I've been studying lately is the the 'attachment' theory of relationships. It explains 95% of the time people fall into three type of lovers...anxious, avoidant, or stable.

 

 

You are the anxious kind, for sure. Good news. There is nothing wrong with this. The feeling you are having now is your 'protest reflex'. It's an evolutionary trait us humans picked up when we get separated from a mate. It's normal.

 

 

Now that you know this, you can work on controlling it. Read 'Attached: the new science of...' if you want to read more on it.

[Lovelorn00]

I'm with the people that say you are overreacting. He isn't your boyfriend. Who cares? Just wait it out. If it happens, it happens.

 

 

Let's discuss you for a second. One thing I've been studying lately is the the 'attachment' theory of relationships. It explains 95% of the time people fall into three type of lovers...anxious, avoidant, or stable.

 

 

You are the anxious kind, for sure. Good news. There is nothing wrong with this. The feeling you are having now is your 'protest reflex'. It's an evolutionary trait us humans picked up when we get separated from a mate. It's normal.

 

 

Now that you know this, you can work on controlling it. Read 'Attached: the new science of...' if you want to read more on it.

 

I wish I could be one of those “if it happens, it happens” people, and I usually am with other things. The problem is that I like him. A lot. So my brain has gone into panic mode and it’s convinced me that no one better will come along ever again, so I better not do anything to screw it up.

 

Hmmm, interesting. I’m not aware of these theories, but the fact that I’m just an “anxious” lover makes me feel a little less like the damaged weirdo I thought I was. I always thought the anxiety/neediness came from deeply-rooted childhood traumas and not being instilled with certain coping mechanisms growing up. This “protest reflex” you speak of sounds interesting, and the fact that it might be a normal evolutionary trait gives me a little hope that maybe I’m not as broken as I thought.

 

It’s crazy – out of all the stuff I’ve read in blogs, magazine articles, relationship books, etc., I’ve never come across this. I guess I’ve been focusing on the wrong topic. The book you mentioned is pretty highly-rated on Amazon. $8 on Kindle. I’m purchasing now.

 

Wow, I’m so glad I came here. Thank you, empresario!!

[PogoStick]

Ack!! Wow, I never even thought about it that way. When you say it that way, it does indeed sound 100% ridiculous. Haha! Ugh. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm always trying to follow the "Rules of the Road" when it comes to dating (e.g. don't text him first, make him chase you, don't let him know how you're really feeling inside), but it drives me crazy. And it doesn't help that I’m the kind of person who just shuts down in these situations. If I see even the slightest potential for heartache, I give up, I wave my white flag. It’s a defensive mechanism of sorts. That’s a horrible quality to have, and I could be missing out on something wonderful due to my screwed up perspective and crazy assumptions.

 

Yeah, dating sucks a big one. There are crazy women like me out there who are being 100% ridiculous. Haha

 

UPDATE: Lo and behold. As I was typing this, I did indeed receive the glorious “Hey, how is your week going?” text. Sigh. Back on the roller coaster I go.

 

Thanks for being a good sport about it. More directly, I think you had nothing to be concerned about since he told you he was busy for a week, and it had only been 4 days!

[empresario]

I wish I could be one of those “if it happens, it happens” people, and I usually am with other things. The problem is that I like him. A lot. So my brain has gone into panic mode and it’s convinced me that no one better will come along ever again, so I better not do anything to screw it up.

 

Hmmm, interesting. I’m not aware of these theories, but the fact that I’m just an “anxious” lover makes me feel a little less like the damaged weirdo I thought I was. I always thought the anxiety/neediness came from deeply-rooted childhood traumas and not being instilled with certain coping mechanisms growing up. This “protest reflex” you speak of sounds interesting, and the fact that it might be a normal evolutionary trait gives me a little hope that maybe I’m not as broken as I thought.

 

It’s crazy – out of all the stuff I’ve read in blogs, magazine articles, relationship books, etc., I’ve never come across this. I guess I’ve been focusing on the wrong topic. The book you mentioned is pretty highly-rated on Amazon. $8 on Kindle. I’m purchasing now.

 

Wow, I’m so glad I came here. Thank you, empresario!!

 

 

Glad you had a good experience here! The community helped me through a dilemma of my own and I stuck around to contribute however I can...you should do the same! It's a helpful place that seems to be well moderated.

 

 

Keep us updated on how it goes .