mossycup Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Has anyone ever thought of not thinking about the ex as part of NC? I have NC with my ex-fiance and yes it is very helpful. However I was thinking about him so much, relieving memories, imagining him doing something and not caring about me, analysing why he left, etc, for over two months and yesterday I felt like I was getting really burnt out over it. I could feel it becoming unhealthy, it was getting more painful not less, and I feel my mental health kind of being affected. So I decided that when thoughts come up, no matter how hard it is to not dwell on them - because they feel so important and meaningful, because they are the only "contact" I have left with him - instead I am using all my skills to refocus on other things. It is very like CBT therapy, which I have had in the past, so I know how it works. I find that if I don't follow the thought, and wait out the horror and then the pressing need to think more about it, the tension then subsides and I can move on and not feel quite so attached. This is just my first day, but unlike every other day, I haven't broken down in tears and been unable to work steadily, so that is good progress. I am going to allow myself one hour at most, once a day, to let all the feelings out (so I don't get repressed). Has anyone else every tried this "NC of the mind"? How did it go for you? 1
learnbyliving Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 You bet. Just posted this in another thread … every time I caught myself thinking about my ex (in any capacity, happy or sad), I forced myself to say "Stop. Future, forward." It became a mantra, and it helped immensely. I get terrible anxiety in the morning so that's when I let myself think about it. I write my feelings in a journal. After that, I do not allow myself to think about it for the rest of the day. Mind you, for the first 2 weeks, I couldn't keep myself together. I only implemented the above plan later on. At some point, everyone realizes they can't keep indulging in self-pity or sadness. Time heals all but you can help yourself by enforcing self-discipline. So I 100% endorse "NC of the mind"
Jemay Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I know exactly what you mean. I have been in NC tomorrow for 60 days. Last week I nearly lost it, just done thinking of ex, NC, counting the days, wondering why he's not contacting me, waiting, thinking, reading online about NC, bla bla bla... on and on. And I literally had to force myself to stop obsessing. So like you say, I've been working on shifting my focus when I get in that kind of mental hamster wheel obsessing and I got to tell you I feel so much better now a week later. Keep it up, sounds like you found a healthier and better way of managing your grief.
mightycpa Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I called it distraction. It came in many forms, and I usually found it restful. However, for a long time and absent some alcohol and/or a bong, there was no such thing as emptying the mind and meditating or just vegging out. I think some of the obsessing is actually healthy, because doing that makes you confront the fact that you remember only the good, even if not everything was good. It forces you to deal with the conflict between heart and mind.
Author mossycup Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Reporting in at the end of my first day of more or less NC of the mind, and I feel ALOT better already. It is incredible the difference. The deeper pain of course is still there, but I had a good day, got work done, went out for dinner and shopping after work with a friend and then worked out. Did spend about 45 mintues talking to friend about ex, and some journaling, but even that, I felt more capacity to handle rather than just get really upset. I find myself able to acknowledge that this man was really my best friend and that it will take a while for that feeling of partnership to pass, and I don't have to FORCE myself not to feel that way, I just have to keep focusing on other things.
Yummm Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 100% this works. I can't actually force myself to STOP thinking about her, no matter how much I try or say 'STOP' it doesn't work... What does work is not dwelling on the negative thoughts. As soon as they appear in the forefront of my mind, I force them to the back of my mind by distracting myself. This way I let the thoughts be there and pass in time without over analysing them.
dangerbang Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 You can't just stop thinking about someone. The best thing to do is try and look at the thoughts in your head objectively. The thoughts are not you, think of your mind as a blank canvas, or a blue sky, and watch these ridiculous thoughts of your ex form on them, like clouds. Just watch them pass, don't engage with them.
Author mossycup Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Agreed. Sometimes the thoughts come up I just have to ride the wave, let them pass through, but not follow. Eventually I get back on track. Day two - managing ok with this. Actually feeling more insightful in some ways about the relationship by NOT thinking about it so much. That's a nice side effect. Also able to accept my feelings more since I am not so overwhelmed by them all the time.
LYNNLH Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Hi Mossy.. Can I safely assume that you're a believer of Christ ( Judging from your posts) If yes, I hope that you would take more time to understand God. Yes, I was once like you but once I immerse myself truly into my faith in the Lord..I began to see the wonderful things He does for me. I was in a 7 year long term relationship where I was blind-sided and broken up with rather cruelly with no respect and responsibility from a person whom I thought was my life and best friend. I went through stages of fear, extreme depression (Suicidial thoughts, laying on bathroom floor crying..etc), anger and literally the whole nine yards a person goes through grieving for a broken relationship for the first 4 months. It wasn't until I turned to God that my healing really started. I was like you when I didn't understand and kept questioning the 'whys' this happened to me ( I wasn't a bad person etc) and if God was mad at me etc. I wouldn't delve too deep as I understand there are many non-believers here on LS but if you have accepted Jesus as your Saviour, start off by reading, understanding and meditating in God's Words which is the Bible. I have come so far in my healing process. I'm only 6 months post BU (after a 7 years RS) and I'm still single. No rebounds no dates. Just living my life normally But yet, I'm at my happiest and even I'm amazed that I can heal in such a short time. I do admit I still feel the pinch here and there because of his betrayal but I have forgiven him (told him even). Yet..now I go about my days smiling, happy, peaceful and friends and colleagues have commented I'm at my prettiest that they have ever seen me. All of this because of God. He is indeed our wonderful counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of peace. Take your time to know God. You will see. I promise you but you really truly need 100% faith to be able to do that. Suggestion : Start off by listening to Minister Joyce Meyer. You can find her on You Tube. She is fabulous. Hope this helps. God bless.
Pyramidsong Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Yes i had to do with this with my break-up, i went no contact but my mental health went progressively worse because i couldn't stop thinking about her. Once a negative thought starts and then it blossoms it can cloud everything, the trick was to stop that negative thought before it grew. It is difficult and my mental health steadily came back, with time and patience. It can start to have an impact on your self-worth, confidence, mood etc. I found this to very helpful getting over my break up, i imagined a big 'STOP' sign and told my thoughts to come at a different time, just not now. Very effective indeed. PyramidSong
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