To hang on, or to give her space?

[SJ69]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 8mos and we go to the same college but at home we're about an hr from each other. My problem is at first she was so clingy and cute and always wanted to be around me. But she has like two personalities. One she loves me, I feel it. The other she's a free social butterfly doing what she wants. She never comes to see me, I come to her. I make all the plans, etc. Granted she's not very emotional but she lacks communication totally and when I approach her on a problem which I often do because I always see one or a place where she said she would fix something but she's not putting effort towards it, she tells me that I'm so annoying. She swears she's fine, nothing's up, but I'm not sure. It makes me so insecure and worrisome and I don't know what to do to evoke an emotional response but I'm tired of feeling like I bend over backwards for her and she does nothing. She recently brought up engagement but I'm not thinking that at all because I don't think she's on my level and if she is it never shows and her excuses for never coming to see me or come to my games or not showing emotion are old. I started out nonchalant and then I began to care and now I'm the only one caring. It's like the tables have turned and I don't know if she needs space or how I should be acting. I feel like I've lost my manhood at this point and I need my independence back without her feeling like I've given up but I'm tired of feeling needy and clingy. I'm so confused.

Edited July 8, 2015 by SJ69
Missing info

[d0nnivain]

A college coed who wants to talk about being engaged after only dating a bot for 8 months is my 1st caution flag here. That is waaaaayyyyyy too soon especially if you don't feel like she's initiating & actively participating in your relationship.

 

However, if you are insecure, that is another bad sign. Is she actively doing or not doing things that are making you feel that way or is just your natural state of distrust. The cause of your insecurities (you v her) will dictate how you work through them.

[SJ69]

A college coed who wants to talk about being engaged after only dating a bot for 8 months is my 1st caution flag here. That is waaaaayyyyyy too soon especially if you don't feel like she's initiating & actively participating in your relationship.

 

However, if you are insecure, that is another bad sign. Is she actively doing or not doing things that are making you feel that way or is just your natural state of distrust. The cause of your insecurities (you v her) will dictate how you work through them.

 

 

She swears she's participating but I just don't see it. I'm used to clingy gfs and she just is nonchalant and doesn't give a damn, it would never show it if she did. She has had her past of promiscuous times before we were together which makes me doubt her a bit. And how she acts because of her disinterest I think she could be cheating but that could be my insecurity. I just want a clear head of everything. The confusion is hard on me and kills my manhood.

[d0nnivain]

Then this insecurity is on your part because you are used to clingy girls not self confident independent women. Cut her some slack on that part. On summer break when you are farther apart then across campus contact will diminish due to the distance. As long as you are communicating regularly be happy. Regularly does not mean 24/7. For some it could mean a few times per week.

 

Try to enjoy her for who she is. She doesn't need to be up your butt to care about you & your relationship.

[SJ69]

Then this insecurity is on your part because you are used to clingy girls not self confident independent women. Cut her some slack on that part. On summer break when you are farther apart then across campus contact will diminish due to the distance. As long as you are communicating regularly be happy. Regularly does not mean 24/7. For some it could mean a few times per week.

 

Try to enjoy her for who she is. She doesn't need to be up your butt to care about you & your relationship.

 

 

How do I become less insecure about that though? I attribute her not communicating about her feelings, or making efforts to see me, or things like that to her not caring and I don't want to fall naive to a women who's out cheating or doing what she wants. I don't want to be made a fool of when I have the warning signs but I chose to not take them.

[d0nnivain]

What do you want? Do you want a daily phone call? tell her that. Do you want to end each call with an ILY? Tell her that. I had to tell my husband that. At 1st he thought it was unnecessary but he did it to make me happy & now it feels more natural to him then not saying it.

 

If you want constant reassurance, that you probably won't get but if you can be specific & your request is reasonable, somebody who cares about you should be willing to accommodate you.

[SJ69]

What do you want? Do you want a daily phone call? tell her that. Do you want to end each call with an ILY? Tell her that. I had to tell my husband that. At 1st he thought it was unnecessary but he did it to make me happy & now it feels more natural to him then not saying it.

 

If you want constant reassurance, that you probably won't get but if you can be specific & your request is reasonable, somebody who cares about you should be willing to accommodate you.

 

 

I just want her to seem like she gives a damn. She always says everybody else thinks she cares too much and I'm the only one that thinks she doesn't care at all. She always has time for everything and everyone else but me, that's strange. I just don't know how to get back to feeling like I'm independent and in control and not annoying to her. I just want her to make plans or care and that's why I asked if I should give her space.

[d0nnivain]

Space won't fix this.

 

Unfortunately, when you say you "want her to seem like she gives a damn" that is too vague. Be specific. What exactly do you want from her? Until you can give her concrete directives you are not going to effectuate any change.

 

Do you want

a daily phone call?

 

for her to initiate plans?

 

for her to text you ILY (how often)?

 

for her to come visit you?

 

to go away for a weekend together?

 

to be invited to her parents' house?

 

for her to sky-write her name in a big heart over your house?

What you want isn't as important as you being specific. How does she know what giving a damn looks like to you? I certainly don't

[Itspointless]

I just want her to seem like she gives a damn. She always says everybody else thinks she cares too much and I'm the only one that thinks she doesn't care at all.

It always feels a bit as pseudo-science to me, but you might want to read about love languages, as it gives some understanding of differences between people: Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.

[SJ69]

Space won't fix this.

 

Unfortunately, when you say you "want her to seem like she gives a damn" that is too vague. Be specific. What exactly do you want from her? Until you can give her concrete directives you are not going to effectuate any change.

 

Do you want

a daily phone call?

 

for her to initiate plans?

 

for her to text you ILY (how often)?

 

for her to come visit you?

 

to go away for a weekend together?

 

to be invited to her parents' house?

 

for her to sky-write her name in a big heart over your house?

What you want isn't as important as you being specific. How does she know what giving a damn looks like to you? I certainly don't

 

 

I've asked her to make plans, she doesn't do that. Or to call, she makes an excuse. Or to come to a game, she also makes an excuse for that. When summer first started we had all these plans to do things and we've successfully gone to the beach for a week but now it's nearing the end of summer for college I guess you could say and she wants to do nothing and initiated nothing.

[Redhead14]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 8mos and we go to the same college but at home we're about an hr from each other. My problem is at first she was so clingy and cute and always wanted to be around me. But she has like two personalities. One she loves me, I feel it. The other she's a free social butterfly doing what she wants. She never comes to see me, I come to her. I make all the plans, etc. Granted she's not very emotional but she lacks communication totally and when I approach her on a problem which I often do because I always see one or a place where she said she would fix something but she's not putting effort towards it, she tells me that I'm so annoying. She swears she's fine, nothing's up, but I'm not sure. It makes me so insecure and worrisome and I don't know what to do to evoke an emotional response but I'm tired of feeling like I bend over backwards for her and she does nothing. She recently brought up engagement but I'm not thinking that at all because I don't think she's on my level and if she is it never shows and her excuses for never coming to see me or come to my games or not showing emotion are old. I started out nonchalant and then I began to care and now I'm the only one caring. It's like the tables have turned and I don't know if she needs space or how I should be acting. I feel like I've lost my manhood at this point and I need my independence back without her feeling like I've given up but I'm tired of feeling needy and clingy. I'm so confused.

 

You both need some space. Take your share of the space to focus on YOUR needs and whether she is meeting them. You're doing all the work. You're smothering her and yourself. Why should she contribute.

 

I would create some space. Basically tell her what you've told us. Just do it in a supportive way. "I love you and I want to work things through. However, I've been feeling _________ and I think we should take some time for ourselves". Focus on yourself and regaining your manhood. Get centered again. And, hopefully,she will do the same.

 

If you're feeling needy and clingy, she's feeling that from you for sure. Space would good for you both. Make a time limit, 10 days, 30 days, whatever and then agree to meet and have a calm, clear conversation with each other.

 

"One she loves me, I feel it." -- No you don't feel it. You want to believe you feel it. If she really loved you, you would not be feeling this insecure, needy, clingy. A person whose needs are being sufficiently met by their partner does not go through this.

[SJ69]

It always feels a bit as pseudo-science to me, but you might want to read about love languages, as it gives some understanding of differences between people: Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.

 

 

I got acts of service and quality time, but those are two things she doesn't excel at, at all.

[SJ69]

You both need some space. Take your share of the space to focus on YOUR needs and whether she is meeting them. You're doing all the work. You're smothering her and yourself. Why should she contribute.

 

I would create some space. Basically tell her what you've told us. Just do it in a supportive way. "I love you and I want to work things through. However, I've been feeling _________ and I think we should take some time for ourselves". Focus on yourself and regaining your manhood. Get centered again. And, hopefully,she will do the same.

 

If you're feeling needy and clingy, she's feeling that from you for sure. Space would good for you both. Make a time limit, 10 days, 30 days, whatever and then agree to meet and have a calm, clear conversation with each other.

 

"One she loves me, I feel it." -- No you don't feel it. You want to believe you feel it. If she really loved you, you would not be feeling this insecure, needy, clingy. A person whose needs are being sufficiently met by their partner does not go through this.

 

If I ask her for space she says if we're taking a break we're breaking up, I don't do breaks because their an excuse to breakup. Or she will act nonchalant and say I'm annoying and she doesn't know what we're taking a break for and then that will be the end of that.

[54JA]

I completely agree with d0nnivain. My boyfriend hates it when I express my unmet needs vaguely (e.g., you are not putting me first) or through attitudes. He usually makes the changes if I can express them as specifically and as concretely as possible (text me before you go to bed vs show that you care). I expect the same things from him too. If he wants me to change something, I would want him to tell in terms that are concrete, rather than being indirect or being passive aggressive. Just because we love each other does not mean we can read each other's mind.

 

If you say you need space to her right now, it's probably going to annoy her even more because that is the opposite of what you want and would probably come across as being manipulative or passive aggressive. I think she just wants to enjoy her summer with her friends because she does not get to do that during school. You get to hang out with her more once school starts. She probably was looking forward to the summer with her friends. It's just seems like she's not in a rush to spend time with you than with her friends because she won't get to do that as much once the summer is over. Don't jump to conclusion and think that this means she's cheating. That is kinda drastic.

[Redhead14]

If I ask her for space she says if we're taking a break we're breaking up, I don't do breaks because their an excuse to breakup. Or she will act nonchalant and say I'm annoying and she doesn't know what we're taking a break for and then that will be the end of that.

 

You know what, that would piss me off to a spectacular degree. That is her giving you an ultimatum and controlling.

 

You start by telling her how you feel and why you are feeling the way you are feeling and needing the break. You don't lead with hey we need a break. And, even if you lead with the break, a mature woman would want to explore the reasons that you are feeling that way at least.

 

say I'm annoying-- She is negating and deflecting your feelings. That is disrespectful.

 

If she says that to you this time, "I don't do breaks, it's break up", you say "Fine. I'll accept that." Get your "manhood" back. Come on now. And, if you've been annoying her by being clingy, needy, etc. It will send the message that there is a new sheriff in town! And, then she will either get clingy or needy or she'll say fine too. If she does that, that's what she wanted anyway but didn't want to do it herself because she's been stringing you along. Says she loves you, but doesn't acknowledge or try to explore how to make things better and doing whatever the heck she wants . . .?

Edited July 8, 2015 by Redhead14

[EgoJoe]

You can communicate and risk things getting better or you can move on. Either way you win.