themfeels Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) ^ Am I clinging onto false hope or is that a possible scenario? It's been nearly 3 months since the breakup, there were a few texts after initiated by myself to get my **** back from his place, nothing since. I've deleted him from all social media. He hasn't tried to contact me in any way and vice versa. The breakup was weird and confusing, kinda like he blamed himself, was doing it so I would be happy (ha joke's on you cos I'm miserable) Among a lot of other things he said he thought he couldn't be what I needed him to be, and that he's never connected with anyone like with me blah blah. I find myself wanting to reach out more and more lately. I find it really strange and depressing that two people who mean the world to each other can just become strangers for no good reason. But I'm proud and since he's made no attempt to reach out I don't see why I should have to. But he mentioned during the breakup that I should contact him when I am ready if I want to. Do you think it's a bit of a stretch to believe he could be waiting for me to reach out first, possibly because he feels guilty and wants to make sure I've had time to heal? There is the whole "What is meant to be will be" And then there's "There is no such thing as 'meant to be', that's cold comfort for people who'd rather give up than try, love has no pride" wut Edited July 8, 2015 by themfeels
pidgeon1010 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 It is one of the oldest breakup excuses. A variation of the "it's not you, it's me", "you deserve better" excuse. If he wants to reconcile, he will let you know. Reaching out to him won't make him change his mind any faster, if at all. Sorry to say, but you're clinging to false hope. If someone truly wants to be with you, they will initiate contact and figure out a way to express that and work things out.
PrettyEmily77 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Am I clinging onto false hope or is this a possible scenario? It's been nearly 3 months since the breakup, there were a few texts after initiated by myself to get my **** back from his place, nothing since. I've deleted him from all social media. The breakup was weird and confusing, kinda like he blamed himself, was doing it so I would be happy (ha jokes on you cos I'm miserable) Among a lot of other things he said he thought he couldn't be what I needed him to be, I've never connected with anyone like with you, blah blah. I find myself wanting to reach out more and more lately. I find it really strange and depressing that two people who mean the world to each other can just become strangers for no good reason. But I'm proud and since he's made no attempt I don't see why I should have to. There is the whole "What is meant to be will be". And then there's "There is no such thing as 'meant to be', that's cold comfort for people who'd rather give up than try, love has no pride' wut You're a grown-up, there's really nothing stopping you from getting in touch and trying to reconcile. You should do that without any after-thought, though. No need to be proud, you have nothing to lose anyway, right? Bear in mind that he ended it for a reason that makes sense to him, even if it doesn't make sense to you. If he doesn't want a R with you, keep that in mind and only accept or offer friendship if you can genuinely do it and not hope for a R in the long run.
Author themfeels Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 It is one of the oldest breakup excuses. A variation of the "it's not you, it's me", "you deserve better" excuse. If he wants to reconcile, he will let you know. Reaching out to him won't make him change his mind any faster, if at all. Sorry to say, but you're clinging to false hope. If someone truly wants to be with you, they will initiate contact and figure out a way to express that and work things out. Thanks for your reply. I don't know if it is a cop out or not, because I was going through a lot at the time and he knew he was holding me back. I do agree though that if he wants to reconcile he will let me know, I guess my ego is crushed that he hasn't made any attempt to do so yet.
Author themfeels Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 You're a grown-up, there's really nothing stopping you from getting in touch and trying to reconcile. You should do that without any after-thought, though. No need to be proud, you have nothing to lose anyway, right? Bear in mind that he ended it for a reason that makes sense to him, even if it doesn't make sense to you. If he doesn't want a R with you, keep that in mind and only accept or offer friendship if you can genuinely do it and not hope for a R in the long run. PrettyEmily77 Cheers for your reply. I dunno what to do at the moment hey, keep wanting to reach out, then next day feeling glad I didn't (purely out of pride), cycle repeats. I have no idea what I would even say to him though. After nearly 3 months of silence I don't think I can just be like "Hey wassup"
PrettyEmily77 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 PrettyEmily77 Cheers for your reply. I dunno what to do at the moment hey, keep wanting to reach out, then next day feeling glad I didn't (purely out of pride), cycle repeats. I have no idea what I would even say to him though. After nearly 3 months of silence I don't think I can just be like "Hey wassup" Sure you can. Nothing to gain but also nothing to lose. If it plays on your mind that much, just do it but expect nothing back even if he does reply.
mimiMobile Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 You don't have to out front text them a how are you question out of the blue, but I'd say something like how I've been thinking about them lately and if they wanted to grab a drink to catch up or something. I'm trying to remember how my ex and I reconnected. We've never gone more than 10 days NC but it seemed like forever. First time we spoke on the phone was over exchanging things.
candie13 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 girl... think hard about why your RS didn't work out. I totally understand your urge to make contact. Bringing him into your life won't make those issues that made you fall apart disappear. I'm going through a similar phase, but you know what? You miss the familiarity, not the guy. Trust me. Going out and meeting new people, starting all over again, man, that's tough !!! but wanna know something? there's no other way outside of this situation. The hard truth is... there is nothing on the surface of this Earth that can prevent a man who's interested from calling a girl. Nothing. I understand pride... but we must also understand lack of interest and lack of affection. Men are simple creatures. You like them, they miss you, they call. Take a hint, girl. you're only gonan get your heart broken all over again. you have all of your answers in front of you. Silence speaks louder than 1000 words. Please move on !
d0nnivain Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 NC is a healing tool. The idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder, & they will miss you during NC doesn't work. For the person who wanted out (here him) it's an out of sight out of mind thing. After 3 months, I suppose you can try to reach out but I suspect it will only set your own healing back when you find out he moved forward already & especially if he has a new GF. Since you aren't even sure why you broke up the reasons you broke up haven't been fixed. As a general proposition the cliches are a cover, an attempt for the dumper to soften the blow from the flat out rejection of I just don't love you any more.
FancyFace Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 All the flowery poetic things that he said when breaking up with you were just a way to let you down easily, without doing too much damage to your ego and so he wouldnt feel too guilty. At the end of the day, when you strip away all the fluff and fanfare from his statements, the hard facts are that, the man simply doesnt want to be with you. Painful I know, believe me, I have been there. That sense of rejection doesnt even sting, it burns like hot lava but its the truth. If someone wants to be with you, they will. Simple. If they dont, best believe they will stay far away from you. The faster you absorb this information and work from reality instead of what you wish was happening, the better off you will be. Let this man go. No one on God's beautiful green earth is that special, everyone is replaceable. Everyone! If someone makes the decision to walk out of your life, close the door behind them and thank your lucky stars that someone else who will truly love you and would never even think of leaving will eventually walk through that door. 2
Author themfeels Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Thanks for all your replies guys I really appreciate it. I had a message typed out last night but I couldn't bring myself to hit 'send'. "All the flowery poetic things that he said when breaking up with you were just a way to let you down easily" I would think that's usually what happens in breakups yea, but I'm confused with this one, I genuinely believed everything he said because he's the sort of person who will only say exactly what he feels. Mutual friends told me that he seemed REALLY gutted after the breakup. Depressed even. Whereas usually he doesn't let emotions show. It seemed like he really was doing it mainly so I would be better off. I was going through a lot at the time and he knew he wasn't able to give me the emotional support I needed and thought that I'd be better off with my family (I made it clear I didn't want that though). So that's why I'm wondering if he did it mainly for my benefit, since I needed more than he could give and he was so upset about it. But then logic jumps in and I start thinking that the details don't matter, if he wanted to be with me that bad he would have tried to help me the way my family have. And if he missed me at all he should have contacted me in some way, right?! Then again I did delete him from all social media so maybe he thinks I hate him, and doesn't want to contact in case he disrupts my healing process/does more damage etc. Sorry for the ramble! Any more thoughts?
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 themfeels, you've mentioned "pride" at least three times in this thread. And that is a really, exclusively ego-based reason to do anything...or to not do something. If it is how you want to live your life, then that is, of course, fine. But is it? When you're on your death bed, what is it that you want to be able to say about your own life; about how you did your life; about what you did - and did not do - for the stuff in Life that was important to YOU? And if he missed me at all he should have contacted me in some way, right?! HE could be thinking and saying the EXACT same thing, about you. I know it ain't answers or advice...but...perhaps...something to think about? Wishing you the best, and that you'll make the best choices for what you really want in your HEART (rather than catering to the ego, that sometimes really ain't our best friend -- I know, cos I've made some (seriously dumb) ego-decisions for myself, based on "pride"...and other non-love characteristics. It is ultimately destructive to our own happiness, inner peace, etc.) ALL of that said...what you shared in your first post...I'd be surprised if he actually would want to get back with you. It sounds like just stuff that one says, when one wants to end a relationship but still come off like a "nice" guy (or gal). Hugs. 1
mightycpa Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 There's only one way to find out, and the only trouble with doing that is the rejection you are likely to face. Likely, as in more likely than not, he doesn't want you. But you can't know for sure without asking. Risk v. reward. You know the reward, but the risk is that you go right back to the beginning of your misery all over again. If you can deal with that, take the shot. Don't be surprised if it ricochets in your face. If you can't go through it again with this person, then you have no choice but to turn your back. 1
Author themfeels Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 themfeels, you've mentioned "pride" at least three times in this thread. And that is a really, exclusively ego-based reason to do anything...or to not do something. If it is how you want to live your life, then that is, of course, fine. But is it? When you're on your death bed, what is it that you want to be able to say about your own life; about how you did your life; about what you did - and did not do - for the stuff in Life that was important to YOU? HE could be thinking and saying the EXACT same thing, about you. I know it ain't answers or advice...but...perhaps...something to think about? Wishing you the best, and that you'll make the best choices for what you really want in your HEART (rather than catering to the ego, that sometimes really ain't our best friend -- I know, cos I've made some (seriously dumb) ego-decisions for myself, based on "pride"...and other non-love characteristics. It is ultimately destructive to our own happiness, inner peace, etc.) ALL of that said...what you shared in your first post...I'd be surprised if he actually would want to get back with you. It sounds like just stuff that one says, when one wants to end a relationship but still come off like a "nice" guy (or gal). Hugs. Thanks for the hugs Need that in my life right now haha I do have quite a healthy ego, which is something I'm working on changing. I probably would have texted him long ago if I wasn't so concerned about looking/sounding pathetic. Love is supposed to have no pride/fear right? I mentioned above that I genuinely believe that the breakup was hard on him, I don't think he said anything to pander to me because that's not the person he is. He tells stuff how it is, which is one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. I am kind of stuck in limbo because like you said, "HE could be thinking and saying the EXACT same thing, about you". I don't know if it's a lost cause or if he thinks I have moved on, or doesn't want to bother me in case I hate him/haven't healed etc. Thanks for your thoughts anyways. Have a cyber hug back
Author themfeels Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 There's only one way to find out, and the only trouble with doing that is the rejection you are likely to face. Likely, as in more likely than not, he doesn't want you. But you can't know for sure without asking. Risk v. reward. You know the reward, but the risk is that you go right back to the beginning of your misery all over again. If you can deal with that, take the shot. Don't be surprised if it ricochets in your face. If you can't go through it again with this person, then you have no choice but to turn your back. Does that really happen? Like if I text him about a movie or something (no relationship talk, basically just letting him know through casual talk that I don't hate him, and thus making the possibility of a reconciliation a bit more likely) is it possible for me to instantly feel like I felt when I just got dumped? That thought is terrifying, but I don't see how it's possible, because I've had time to realise where we both went wrong in the relationship, I know we're both far from perfect, I know he's not my only option etc. I'm at a point also where I'm open to dating other people. I just miss him though, and miss the connection we had
mightycpa Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Does that really happen? Like if I text him about a movie or something (no relationship talk, basically just letting him know through casual talk that I don't hate him, and thus making the possibility of a reconciliation a bit more likely) is it possible for me to instantly feel like I felt when I just got dumped? That thought is terrifying, but I don't see how it's possible, because I've had time to realise where we both went wrong in the relationship, I know we're both far from perfect, I know he's not my only option etc. I'm at a point also where I'm open to dating other people. I just miss him though, and miss the connection we had You tell me... we'll roleplay: Hi, I saw Jurassic World yesterday and it made me think of you. How are you? Fine. I'm dating now, and my new GF saw your text. She told me to tell you not to contact me anymore, so please don't. If you can live with that, then why not? Personally, I'd wait at least a year. That allows both of you to clear your heads completely, and make great strides in improving yourself. The biggest detriment to getting back together too soon is that you haven't had time to change. You're the same people who broke up before. True love will wait forever. 1
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I just miss him though, and miss the connection we had Find your courage, young lady!!! FIND. YOUR. COURAGE. (You know what I'm saying. right? ) 1
ravfour4 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Oh, it's possible. I haven't talked to my ex in a few days and I was feeling a lot better. Then all of a sudden on FB I saw some dude liked a ton of my pictures....and she was in most of them. I felt a crappy feeling and thought "is this a new bf...?", but then I realized her sister was in all the pics and the guy was only friends with her sis - phew, haha not like it matters, but just an example of a small thing that can make you feel like crap.
Author themfeels Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 You tell me... we'll roleplay: If you can live with that, then why not? Personally, I'd wait at least a year. That allows both of you to clear your heads completely, and make great strides in improving yourself. The biggest detriment to getting back together too soon is that you haven't had time to change. You're the same people who broke up before. True love will wait forever. You make a good point :S
Author themfeels Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Find your courage, young lady!!! FIND. YOUR. COURAGE. (You know what I'm saying. right? ) Aaaaghh it's scary! Haha he's on my mind literally 24/7 though so I think I need to re-establish communication to let him know I don't hate him, just so then I won't be thinking about it all the time!!! Is that creepy though, to send a random friendly text to someone who dumped me after 3 months of silence?
Author themfeels Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Oh, it's possible. I haven't talked to my ex in a few days and I was feeling a lot better. Then all of a sudden on FB I saw some dude liked a ton of my pictures....and she was in most of them. I felt a crappy feeling and thought "is this a new bf...?", but then I realized her sister was in all the pics and the guy was only friends with her sis - phew, haha not like it matters, but just an example of a small thing that can make you feel like crap. Yeah I get that. I deleted him from all social media the day we broke up lol. I didn't block him on FB but I didn't check his profile AT ALL for the first 2 months after, purely because I was terrified of what I would see haha. I've checked it since then though, I don't think he's dating anyone, and he still has the same cover photo from when we were together, you can see some of me in it. Maybe that's a good sign?
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Thanks for your cyber hugs...I, myself, do also always appreciate those. Aaaaghh it's scary! Haha he's on my mind literally 24/7 though so I think I need to re-establish communication to let him know I don't hate him, just so then I won't be thinking about it all the time!!! Is that creepy though, to send a random friendly text to someone who dumped me after 3 months of silence? No, it's not creepy EXCEPT if you make it creepy in your own mind. (It's also only scary in one part of your brain -- the boring, unadventurous part. But. YOU are not that, right? YOU can handle the roller-coaster. At least, the potential of getting on a roller coaster. You CAN handle that. Right?) If I may offer...don't BS your own self that you'd be contacting him --or try to BS him that you are contacting him -- only or mostly to let him know that you don't hate him. You're contacting him because you miss him and because you want to find out if there's a chance of a reconciliation. Don't BS to yourself, about that. You need to do SOMETHING (anything) to stop letting this take up 100% of your attention and your mental and emotional energy. EVEN getting rejected (again) is worth it, if you will ultimately be able to reclaim 100% of control over your own thoughts and feelings. I promise. Don't set-up any kind of expectations -- not negative or positive. Just do it as an experiment to find out what happens. And be okay with WHATEVER happens. (That's how the best scientists and alchemists actually ever got anywhere. Be a scientist or an alchemist -- why not? .) More hugs...and best of luck.
Author themfeels Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Thanks for your cyber hugs...I, myself, do also always appreciate those. No, it's not creepy EXCEPT if you make it creepy in your own mind. (It's also only scary in one part of your brain -- the boring, unadventurous part. But. YOU are not that, right? YOU can handle the roller-coaster. At least, the potential of getting on a roller coaster. You CAN handle that. Right?) If I may offer...don't BS your own self that you'd be contacting him --or try to BS him that you are contacting him -- only or mostly to let him know that you don't hate him. You're contacting him because you miss him and because you want to find out if there's a chance of a reconciliation. Don't BS to yourself, about that. You need to do SOMETHING (anything) to stop letting this take up 100% of your attention and your mental and emotional energy. EVEN getting rejected (again) is worth it, if you will ultimately be able to reclaim 100% of control over your own thoughts and feelings. I promise. Don't set-up any kind of expectations -- not negative or positive. Just do it as an experiment to find out what happens. And be okay with WHATEVER happens. (That's how the best scientists and alchemists actually ever got anywhere. Be a scientist or an alchemist -- why not? .) More hugs...and best of luck. Thanks for all your advice and input! I agree that I need to do something to stop him consuming my thoughts all day every day because it's super annoying. At least if I contact then I will know 100% that the ball for reconciliation is in his court, as I can't be like "But what if he's staying away because he thinks I hate him?!" rofl That's my main reason for contact although yes I would like a future reconciliation to be more likely to occur as a result. Thanks again for the hugs and positive vibes
Author themfeels Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" I like this I like this a lot
frigginlost Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" I like this I like this a lot It's a Wayne Gretzky quote. And he scored a ton.
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