kenmore Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Sorry if this has been done a million times, but tomorrow I'm divorced. Now I need to find a new woman. Part of me hates this, and part of me looks at other women like the one I am meeting tomorrow as a client (recently widowed, hot, beautiful, small child, Asian, career woman, young, client) closely, but the last two descriptions (young, client) destroys it. Here's the real issue, I feel screwed up by my last relationship. I feel I now mistrust people too much, I don't feel anyone can accept me as I am and I feel completely disjointed from the population of the world. Yeah, that's dramatic, but it's how I feel. I'm really concerned whether or not I can actually be in a relationship again, but then I'm wondering if I can ever hold down a career again too. In other words, I'm really doubting myself. This is a hard post for a man to make. Some of you will say I'm not being a man, but I have found a lot of that thinking came from my wife and she's gone tomorrow! Good riddance! Sorry for my rant, I'm just really worried about my future. Ken
yxalitis Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Don't even think about dating until you are happy with yourself, who you are, until you know what you want, what you need, and what sort of person can help you to achieve it. I made the mistake of jumping into a new relationship too soon, and spent the better part of two years in relation ships that could never work. 2
writergal Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Sorry if this has been done a million times, but tomorrow I'm divorced. Now I need to find a new woman. Part of me hates this, and part of me looks at other women like the one I am meeting tomorrow as a client (recently widowed, hot, beautiful, small child, Asian, career woman, young, client) closely, but the last two descriptions (young, client) destroys it. Here's the real issue, I feel screwed up by my last relationship. I feel I now mistrust people too much, I don't feel anyone can accept me as I am and I feel completely disjointed from the population of the world. Yeah, that's dramatic, but it's how I feel. I'm really concerned whether or not I can actually be in a relationship again, but then I'm wondering if I can ever hold down a career again too. In other words, I'm really doubting myself. This is a hard post for a man to make. Some of you will say I'm not being a man, but I have found a lot of that thinking came from my wife and she's gone tomorrow! Good riddance! Sorry for my rant, I'm just really worried about my future. Ken Be kinder to yourself. Don't doubt yourself or your abilities to be enough for another woman to love. First you have to heal yourself. How you do that is your call. And you're not less of a man for ranting. Everyone needs to rant. So, rant away! It's much healthier to let out steam than repress negative feelings. And, you can choose to re-frame this time in your life as a 'transformation' not failure, because it's not a failure, to be divorced. It's a choice and it was the best choice for you, wasn't it? Like when a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. People don't realize just how gruesome a process that transformation is. A caterpillar literally uses special enzymes to digest itself which are triggered by hormones, then it sleeps while its own stem cells grow into its butterfly parts -- all within the confines of its chrysalis. Ending a marriage or any significant relationship and transforming yourself after that is just as painful as it is for that caterpillar to become a butterfly. Maybe a cheesy example, but it's the best I could come up with.
Mrin Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) Happy Birthday Dude! Seriously. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. I've got some great news for you brother! It is great. The rest of your life I'm talking about. Here's the thing. You probably got married straight out of bachelorhood. That is to say, you got married when "stocking the fridge" meant ordering an extra large pizza instead of a large. You went into marriage a proto-adult. Not really fully formed. You're now exiting the "womb" of marriage a full fledged adult. With adult like preferences and tastes. Revel in them my man. You're going to learn a lot about who "you" are versus who "we" were. It is a total kick in the pants re-defining "you". Enjoy it! Now about dating. The first thing you have to realize is that you are in no condition right now to get into a relationship. You really need to take a year and just be by yourself. That being said, we both know that isn't gonna happen so let's get real. The first stage you should go through is "death by p***y". But you won't do that. No, you'll dive head first into a relationship. You'll go from first date etiquette n(circa 1998) to treating her like your wife. You'll screw that relationship up. That's Ok. Then you'll get to your "death by p***y" stage. This is a fun time. Don't rush it. You'll know when it is time to move on. Women at your age are really direct and insatiable. Like freaking insatiable. It is really cool. Somewhere towards the end of your "death by p***y" stage you will start to realize what you value in a woman. You'll start to realize that you are running across almost mindblowing amazing women. They'll take your breath away once you realize their entirety. You'll fall in love with at least one of them. When you do, you'll realize just how lucky and special your connection is. You will vow to do it differently this time. You will build a new relationship. A mature relationship. And it will be incredible. You will be able to tackle issues in 30 minutes that would have resulting in 10 days of fighting with your ex. You'll realize that you're in a relationship with a far more mature soul. And that will deepen your appreciation for said soul. You will also realize something - relationships aren't about the forever after. They're about the here and now. That's the big secret. Don't live in the forever after. Live in the here and now and the forever after takes care of itself. Happy birthday my man! Welcome to the rest of your life. It is glorious - if you want it to be. Edited July 8, 2015 by Mrin 4
candie13 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Give it time. I understand your urge to want to go out there and experience things, discover new women, fall inlove and he happy. Just... take it easy, it is a long process. Give yourself time to grieve, time to be sad and time to enjoy being single again. The road to healing can be frustrating and infuriating... have patience with yourself, you're new to all these things. I also remember that after a long RS, you've sort of lost your identity in that RS. Being single again is also about rediscovering who you are. How you've changed. Doing the things you like. There's more to being single than just meeting up new people. It's all scary and new and uncomfortable, for now. You'll get the hang of it pretty soon, I'm sure !!
loveweary11 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I was about to post, but could not have possibly put it better than Mrin. What he said. Exactly.
Brigit_1 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Be kinder to yourself. Don't doubt yourself or your abilities to be enough for another woman to love. First you have to heal yourself. How you do that is your call. And you're not less of a man for ranting. Everyone needs to rant. So, rant away! It's much healthier to let out steam than repress negative feelings. And, you can choose to re-frame this time in your life as a 'transformation' not failure, because it's not a failure, to be divorced. It's a choice and it was the best choice for you, wasn't it? Like when a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. People don't realize just how gruesome a process that transformation is. A caterpillar literally uses special enzymes to digest itself which are triggered by hormones, then it sleeps while its own stem cells grow into its butterfly parts -- all within the confines of its chrysalis. Ending a marriage or any significant relationship and transforming yourself after that is just as painful as it is for that caterpillar to become a butterfly. Maybe a cheesy example, but it's the best I could come up with. Beautiful post Writergal! 1
Brigit_1 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 "death by p***y" Wow! That's the second great T-Shirt slogan I got from Loveshack. I'm going to be a millionaire.
Mrin Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Wow! That's the second great T-Shirt slogan I got from Loveshack. I'm going to be a millionaire. LOL! Random story - after I moved out and we filed the papers one of my good female friends (married) took me to lunch. She had a wrapped present with her. Went I unwrapped it, it was an econo-pak of condoms. I was like, WTF? She said, "look, I don't want you to even think about getting into a relationship until you've f***ed you way through an econo-pak of condoms. Now get to work!" I always loved that phrase - "f***ed your way through an econo-pak of condoms"
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