Marriage before sex??

May 2, 2005

If so, how is it possible?

How do gals or guys lasso their partner into a commitment without first having sex with them?

(sorry for the post on your thread aliya, I was browsing and accidently postd on yours!)

May 2, 2005

Um, I dunno. Maybe respect?

Plus it helps if you are young when you get married.

I think it would be best to wait until marriage. I mean that should be the ideal, but it just doesn't work out that way... I didn't wait, but many times I wish I had.

May 2, 2005

Why do you say you wish you waited, I'm curious to know if you don't mind sharing.

I agree with you, by the way, on waiting.

May 3, 2005

I guess what HoldOn is saying is that when you grow up wanting to save it for marriage, and then you lose it - its like you will never know what it wouldve been like to have waited. Its not something that you can take back. Once its gone its gone. Its hard to be strong... but when you have sex before marriage you are 'becoming one' with the person. With marriage you are meant to be with that person forever... so if you sleep with someone of the pretence that you'll marry them and it doesnt happen... you'll be heartbroken. Also there's the typical risk of getting an STD and having the "im committed to you" feeling that makes you feel obligued to stay with the person you lost it to even though you know they aint the "right one".. etc. There's alot of implications of losing it... there's alot of emotion that can be good and bad depending on the person.

I just wana end with saying to be strong if you want to stay a virgin on your wedding day. Keep thinking of how amazing it will be on your wedding night. And also consider how you would feel knowing your husband is a virgin but you have to tell him that you made a silly mistake and lost it to some low life loser because you were naive and/or "curious"..... it'd break his heart and you'd feel so guilty. Fair enuf people do make mistakes and if you end up marrying someone that isnt a virgin, whilst you are. It'll b up to you how you handle it. If you love each other you'll accept each other mistakes and all. There's a book called "worth the wait" and "girl meets boy" --- read em... very encouraging to stay strong for your values and for God.

Is a 5 minute fling worth the knowledge of knowing that you've distroyed your dream and your values - never to get back what you've lost ? - i'll leave that for you to answer for yourself.

May 3, 2005

After each time I broke up with an ex, I wished that I hadn't had sex with him! And I'd promise not to do it again until I got married.

Then I decided to wait for the "man" I would marry, not for marriage itself. At this point I can't get married until I am done with law school, so I couldn't wait anymore with my bf. I know we are getting married, so I feel that's okay for me. Although, ideally, it would have been better to wait for marriage because I believe that is what marriage is for. (I'm Catholic). And you should only be sexually bonded with your husband. And when there is sex, there is always the possibility of pregnancy and children deserve married parents.

Also, if a man waits for marriage, you know it's real and you don't risk becoming totally involved with a man before he becomes committed to you!

May 9, 2005

HoldOn Quote : "Also, if a man waits for marriage, you know it's real and you don't risk becoming totally involved with a man before he becomes committed to you!"

So true... If a guy truly loves you and respects you, he will stand by your side no matter what your decision is in regards to your morales etc

May 9, 2005

There is such a thing as sexual incompatibility. I think that especially because you had someone before, now you owe it to yourself to make the difference. In the end, it is the man you want to marry and the man that you love.

It's a huge deal and a very certain deal-breaker in a marriage. Good sex can help if a relationship isn't at its' best. My 2 cents, at least!

May 9, 2005

I waited once, and I won't do that again. (Well, I'm not planning to marry again anyway.) The whole "purity" thing is vastly overrated and puts focus on something (waiting) that doesn't in fact contribute much to the relationship.

As for the original question - commitment shouldnt be something one ropes someone into! In any case, the person you're with should respect what you decide is right for you. My XH had no problems waiting (and neither of us were particularly young), but he would have respected me just as much if we hadn't waited. It was a non-issue for him, and I think this is the ideal approach. (If praising an X is permitted here ...)

May 9, 2005

Personally, while it sounds very romantic, I don't think waiting and saving onesself for "the one" is all that great of an idea (but being careful to avoid unwanted pregnancy and STDs is very important). To me, waiting basically means that you will have no idea if you are sexually compatible with the person you choose to spend your life with or not until after you have made and solidified that decision, and it also means that if it takes you years and years (or even decades) to find "the one" that you will have to live without sexual companionship for all of that time, and will not have a real chance to see the natural and not artificially restricted version of where some good relationships could go.

That said, it is a personal decision, and I don't have a problem with people who do feel that waiting is absolutely necessary. I just think those people tend to miss out on a lot (not just the sex, but the closeness that goes with sharing everything with someone they love in a committed, long-term relationship, that is something short of marriage).

May 9, 2005

I think that what I don't understand is why some hold out until marriage, yet do everything but sex up until that point. Who decides exactly what determines virginity? Take my friend who is still a virgin (until marriage). She is doing this for religious purposes, btw. Yet, she has had anal sex with one ex, and oral with all of the rest. Why would God think to himself, "ok you are still pure for marriage" C'mon ...doesn't make sense...she is not pure in my opinion even if she hasn't had vaginal intercourse.

But on another note, I do think it's great to really hold out on sex, at least until you see that you are truly in love with someone and they want to commit to you. Want to know what still breaks my heart? My freshman year of college I met this guy that I fell head over heels with that was a virgin. I broke his heart when I told him that I wasn't one. He was crushed and I felt devestated that I couldn't lose that with him. We ended up having sex later on, and he lost his virginity to me, but I felt so wretched that I couldn't be one too. It would have been so special, and the fact that I had partners before him when he didn't really caused problems in the relationship and I didn't measure up to his standards in the end because of it. I could kick myself for not holding out at least until college when I would have met (who I think) would have been the love of my life. Instead, I wasted it on some losers in high school, then ended up with (my most recent) ex who was a nightmare. I really believe had I been a virgin, then I would still be with the guy I fell in love with my first year of college. He was special, and I will always respect him.

May 9, 2005

I believe that in the "ideal situation" yes it is a great idea. But in the real world, people do grow and change over time, that includes your sexual identity and sexual preferences. I couldn't imagine being with the first woman I was with for the rest of my life (in a sexual way.... and otherwise). I married her eventually, but our sexuality grew in different ways. We attempted to take the journey of sexual discovery together, but we were different people with different sexual interests.

Barring every other aspect of the relationship, people do grow apart and have different desires. It is difficult to start out on the path to self discovery when it hinges on blindly being compatible with someone. Discussions can ease that, but in all reality, you need to experience it before you know for sure.

People say that sex is a small part of a relationship, UNTIL you aren't satisfied with it. Then it becomes everything in a relationship.

May 9, 2005

after reading all posts in here, i have a few questions

1-How do you determine if a person is virgin.?

2-Do couples ask each other if he/she is virgin in the wedding night.?

thanks

May 9, 2005

Originally posted by CuriousMe
after reading all posts in here, i have a few questions

1-How do you determine if a person is virgin.?
2-Do couples ask each other if he/she is virgin in the wedding night.?

thanks

If it is important enough to a person then I think it should be talked about well before the wedding night comes along. Chances are it will come up before then any way. Relationships involve intimacy, no matter how big or small that intimacy may be. But I would wager a lot that most couples could avoid not talking about having sex much less not doing it until their wedding not. Deciding who you will marry involves knowing what you are getting yourself into and I don't' see how something that important to some one would not come up.

May 9, 2005

yeah, I didn't even know how to respond to that question. How could you marry someone without even talking about your past? And why would you marry someone if you thought they would lie about whether they're a virgin or not?

May 10, 2005

I like many lost mine to my ex, who later decided she didnt want to be married anymore.

I like many corrupted my values for someone whom I thought was the one.

I have been single for a loooong time (8yrs)

and I can say this, If i ever marry again , it will be the wedding night before anything other than hugging and kissing will occur.

The problem is that Hear most people speak about dating and sex as if they were somehow the exact same thing, like you could just flip flop the words around and it would be like synonyms.

and like nemesis, I too have heard the stories of everything but vaginal penetration used as an excuse for "purity"

How many people wait anymore, especially if they are older?

I would like to meet a virgin, but i realize my chances are about as good as winning the lottery, unless i start cradle robbing, and considering I myself have a daughter that is extremely doubtful.

May 10, 2005

To save yourself for 25 years for a dick who will cheat on you, watch porn, and perhaps leave you with 2-3 children after a few years?!?!

I know it's ONLY RELIGION that washes these people's brains about premarital sex.

In the past it was a way to make the man marry the woman. Also abortion was not an option for many, many, many years, thousands of years since the humanity exists. Because sex necessarily led to pregnancy, if a man wanted to have sex with a woman he would have to marry her first and obligate himself to support the woman and the children. So sex was a way for a woman to get in trouble as the pregnancy was only her problem. By not giving him any before marriage, she not only protected herself from unwanted pregnancy, but also dragged the man into marriage as he also wants to have sex with someone.

With the contraception and abortion, things start to change and sexual freedom takes place.

A woman NEVER saved herself for altruistic reason toward the man! It was always for practical reason - to save her own ass!

May 14, 2005

the majority of the marriages prior to 150 years ago were arranged marriages, many never even met their spouses until their wedding.

so, no, it wasnt 'practical reasons'... there wasnt dating, there wasnt goin out with 'the guys' on friday nights to get drunk and have drunken sex. i'm sure it still happened, but it wasnt the norm.

May 14, 2005

The rule about waiting until marriage is the biggest BS humanity ever came up with.

That's kind of what my parents did. They had sex before, but my mother didn't enjoy it and she thought it would get better once they got married. Guess what. They broke up because of sex.

People have to realize sex is a MAJOR issue when finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you're not sexually compatible, chances that things will work out or that you'll be happy are very slim indeed.

So I'd say, have sex with your partner before you get married and see if you're happy with that part of the relationship, or chances are you'll be stuck in a marriage that's making you unhappy.

May 14, 2005

...the majority of the marriages prior to 150 years ago were arranged marriages, many never even met their spouses until their wedding...

Maybe in some cultures. Not true in the late 18th century in the new United States. Read A Midwife's Tale : The Life of Martha Ballard, Based on Her Diary, 1785-1812 by LAUREL THATCHER ULRICH. You will see that the majority (about 60-70%) of first babies born to a couple were conceived out of wedlock, doubtless due to "meeting" the partner repeatedly in a horizontal manner. (In most cases, the couple married once they learned of the pregnancy, so those same babies were BORN to a married couple - usually about 5 months after the wedding.)

May 14, 2005

Originally posted by *snuggles*
So true... If a guy truly loves you and respects you, he will stand by your side no matter what your decision is in regards to your morales etc

So what if she doesn't want to, thinks it's immoral and then turns around and initiates sex with you?? You love her so much and sex is the expression of love, how do you handle that situation?

May 16, 2005

I think you all are crazy! You talk about "waiting until your wedding night" like it'll be some magical fairy tale that will allow you to live happily ever after. BLAH

I'll ask ... does anyone really remember their first time?? Not where you were or who it was with I mean how it felt?? YOUR FIRST TIME SUCKS! Its awkward, werid, uncomfortable and sometimes ... painful and bloody. You're nervous and afraid to be yourself. Imagine waiting all that time for your "magical expereince" and getting a painful, bloody, trembling 3 minute rendevous. I bet you'd kick yourself.

Besides that ... sex IS something you experiment with, it takes time to find what you like, and be comfortable to do it. I'm not saying you have to whore the neighborhood but be realistic. Don't imagine a magical experience because you will disappointed!!

Sex is an important part of a relationship ... whats the saying "sex is like air, it's not important until you're not getting any" What if you wait, you don't enjoy it, and then what?? You're married and there is no spark, you end up either divorced or worst yet one of those 70 year old couples just waiting for the other to die!?! That depresses me more than having to tell a boyfriend I slept with someone else.

As was stated previously .... sex is intimate, you DO connect with the other person, very deeply. So deeply in fact that you can see yourself with them forever ... in a real sence, you know what to expect. You don't build a fantasy of what it 'might' be like. You have a basis for conparison.

Think about it this way ... when you buy shoes you try on more than one pair right? You test drive a car before you buy it? You sit on a couch before you buy it? Why not test drive your boyfriend/girlfriend?? Seems logical to give a "forever" candidate a whirl before purchase no?

May 16, 2005

I don't understand why people are negative and condescending when OTHER people decide to wait until marraige... Why so upset? It's an individual choice and it works for some people... (I didn't wait, but wish I did)

when you buy shoes you try on more than one pair right? You test drive a car before you buy it? You sit on a couch before you buy it? Why not test drive your boyfriend/girlfriend??

Because a person is not a couch or a pair or shoes. Your poonanny is NOT a car. Some people (like me) believe that sex is a very very special thing, only to be shared with a husband or wife. Sex is so special becuase its primary purpose is to make children... Hey, I know that's an unpopular position, but it is true. Sex should be a special thing, because even with birth control, you could create a new life who needs the support of a mother and father. Even if there is no conception, you form a strong emotional bond with this person. Bonding sexually with someone while lacking full committment is a dangerous and risky position to put yourself in.

What about testing our your bf? I don't believe that you could connect with someone in every single way, emotionally, intellectually, and with other physical ways, kissing, etc... and not be able to have sex with them. If you are best friends and have great communication with your partner, you should be able to talk about any sex issues you have and fix them. Plus, before you get married, you should talk at length about your sexual expectations for after your marraige. Men and women are meant to fit together, how could it not work?

And why so down on other people making the choice to wait?? Nobody is forcing YOU to wait.

May 16, 2005

You are right, waiting until marriage is a personal decsion. But I do get down on people who make that decsion becasue I think it is a stupid decsion based on not on the personal beliefs of the person but based on what they have been spoonfed all their lives from family and religion.

The primary reason for having sex is not having children for everyone ... some people don't want kids or can't have them ... but they still have sex. People have sex for one reason and then USE sex to have children.

And for the record the "wait till marriage" group DOES try to force everyone to wait. They push for abstinace education programs in schools which actually lead to MORE unwanted pregancies b/c these kids don't learn how to protect themselves.

May 17, 2005

Originally posted by HoldOn
I don't understand why people are negative and condescending when OTHER people decide to wait until marraige... Why so upset? It's an individual choice and it works for some people... (I didn't wait, but wish I did)

Maybe you should put it this way: you wish you did, but you DID NOT! What's stopping you now, girl? Don't have sex until you get married!

You wish you didn't because of yourself, right? Not because of the ass that will possibly cheat on you or divorce you after a few years... If you think it's immoral just act as you feel. Or perhaps you wish you saved your virginity for the "[font=times new roman]Prince and his whores[/font]"?

May 17, 2005

Or perhaps you wish you saved your virginity for the "Prince and his whores"?

I don't know what you are talking about.

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