great new date old flame come back

[ExpatInItaly]

No sex yet. We have our third date lined up for Saturday.

 

He appears smitten and highly attracted to me. I definately don't feel insecure despite him being by far the hottest man I have ever dated.

 

He makes me feel good about myself, attractive and desirable.

 

He acts very humble and without a big head.

 

Wait, you've only been on two dates with this man?

 

Leigh...in all due respect and in kindness - SLOW. DOWN.

 

You appear to be completely over-thinking and getting way ahead of yourself. Two dates is very little in the grand scheme of things. It's great that you feel such a strong attraction, don't get me wrong. But you need a heck of a lot more time to judge someone's character, see if you two have what it takes to make it past the initial excitement.

 

I recall a previous thread of yours about the man who had children with a supposedly crazy ex, etc. You'd said quite a lot about him being smitten with you and having great chemistry with him, too. And then you got a taste of who he really was. And it wasn't pretty. I mention this because it might be a good reminder of why taking things slowly is important.

 

Have fun and relax. Don't get ahead of yourself. A good man will appreciate your value, far beyond the towel picture you posted in your profile.

[xcupid]

Welcome to the infatuation stage. Good luck with your new guy!

[preraph]

Just tell your ex "not a good time." That's it. If you still want him a year from now and he was serious, he'll still be there.

[Leigh 87]

When I first met the lecturer I was very taken by him.

 

It has been a very easy decision to brush off my ex. He isn't worthy of my time anyways.

 

I am not going to see him.

 

The lecturer is by far the better option to explore.

 

And don't ya all worry, I will take it slowly, don't take me being excited as me being over ewger. I am just in the infatuation stage, I do realize I likely won't date this guy for long l, so I am just focusing on how lucky I feel to just be dating a guy that I REALLY enjoy dating. So far.

[Leigh 87]

I do believe my ex will have kids and remain faithful to a future partner. He is capable of being in Love.

 

I would just rather not risk things with a man like him.

[Leigh 87]

You went from being ambivalent to being smitten without having a single interaction with the Lecturer.

 

I hope you realize this means this is you building things up in your head.

 

You need to work on staying focused on reality. You don't need to be head over heels smitten with the lecturer in order to decide you would rather not see your ex.

 

You also need to separate whatever is going on with Lecturer with whatever is going on with your ex. Right now, you're building Lecturer up as a way to justify not seeing the ex.

 

Here's the situation.

 

You've been on two dates with Lecturer. He is telling you he's cancelling his other dates and would like to focus on you alone. This doesn't mean you have to follow suit. You can decide two dates is too early to become exclusive. Or, you can decide to do like him and focus on him alone until you know whether he is worth your time. This means not seeing the ex, not even as a friend.

 

As to the ex, you can decide to see him if you want. But you have to base this not on making a choice between lecturer and him but based on the ex's merit. Is he worth your time? Has he done anything to convince you that he is capable of a long term, loving, healthy relationship? Have the issues that prompted the first break up been resolved? If you judge that they are (and also decide not to be exclusive with lecturer), then maybe you can meet the ex. Otherwise, don't waste your time.

 

 

And Leigh, clearly you have no issues attracting men. That's not your biggest challenge. Your biggest challenge is one of two things:

1. Either you're struggling to identify relationship-worthy men (and no, you don't know Lecturer enough yet to determine that he is). In this case, I suggest you project yourself in a relationship and work at identifying what it is that would sustain it. Things to look for, intense sexual chemistry (I know this is important to you), mutual support, good communication, making a good team at conflict resolution, laughing together, similar views on spirituality and money, etc.

2. Or relationship-worthy men are not sticking around. In this case, you can work on how you present yourself: are you presenting yourself as someone who will make a good life partner beyond the original appeal of sex? Are you presenting yourself as someone a man will take seriously as the potential mother of his children and potential life partner? Someone who he can rely on to make important life decisions?

 

 

I'm saying this because you are overly focused on your looks. Looks get you attention. They don't get you a relationship.

 

 

I have never actually dated a relationship worthy man before besides my last ex of last year exception I wasn't that into him in the end.

 

Relationship worthy men who YOU feel the spark with mutually, are very hard to find.

[Leigh 87]

Just because the lecturer has declared that he only wants to focus on me that doesn't mean we are serious. Got it.

 

It is still not right to meet me ex. This lecturer seems like a nice person so far and I know it would sting for me to go have dinner with an ex who I had amazing chemistry and a strong connection with. He has made it known he just wants to focus on dating me and only me and I am excited....

 

I was blushing non stop and super attracted to lecturer instantly and I had hot flushes all through out out two dates because his hottness is really distracting at times haha.

 

It feels like I am a school girl and I am getting to date my " crush"

 

As giddy with excitement as I am I do know to manage and scale back any expectations. I am just REALLY enjoying the moment, I know he could turn out to be an a hole or end things at any time.

[GemmaUK]

I do know to manage and scale back any expectations.

 

Leigh, the vast majority of us who know you pretty well never see this.

You are always smitten within hours or a day or a date. Always.

 

You believe everything they say too. Always.

 

Maybe if you were to post 'hmmm, we'll see, he seems nice so I'll find out more about him'.

Say it and you might well start to think it.

 

I wish you luck but I have reservations I'm afraid.

I also think you are escalating his looks - and yes I did see the pic of him you had up.

[elaine567]

I recall a previous thread of yours about the man who had children with a supposedly crazy ex, etc. You'd said quite a lot about him being smitten with you and having great chemistry with him, too. And then you got a taste of who he really was.

 

I get a sense of déjà vu here, the man with the children and the "crazy ex actually dumped her when he found she went out dancing with two men one night, whilst seeing him.

[elaine567]

I also think you are escalating his looks - and yes I did see the pic of him you had up.

 

Agreed, I saw it too.

<<<<<<<<

[Leigh 87]

I get a sense of déjà vu here, the man with the children and the "crazy ex actually dumped her when he found she went out dancing with two men one night, whilst seeing him.

 

I aint making that same mistake.

 

I value dating this guy and am smitten.

[Leigh 87]

Agreed, I saw it too.

<<<<<<<<

 

He is 6"3, amazing body and the most amazing piercing blue eyes which you couldn't see in the picture.. Amazing teeth and smile.

 

Maybe it is just the chemistry talking? When I first saw him and sat down with him, I was positively blushing and flushed:o

 

I just find him incredibly hot and attractive and am surprised he also feels it mutually.

 

You should see the losers I usually date. This is the first... The first man who so far seems mind, successful and also has a smile who makes me melt.

 

I think if you saw him in real life you would know what a hunk he is to women lol

[h0000]

I get a sense of déjà vu here, the man with the children and the "crazy ex actually dumped her when he found she went out dancing with two men one night, whilst seeing him.

 

I get a déjà vu in every one of her threat. It's literally in every of her thread " smitten, intense chemistry, 7/10 " blah blah blah.

Over and over and over, one guy after one guy after another.

[kendahke]

I get a déjà vu in every one of her threat. It's literally in every of her thread " smitten, intense chemistry, 7/10 " blah blah blah.

Over and over and over, one guy after one guy after another.

 

the same character in different bodies...

 

there's a lesson she's not learning if she keeps attracting this same kind of energy.

[Rejected Rosebud]

True.

 

He just texted me:

 

" by the way, I have just told the girls I went on dates with that I want to focus on dating you "

 

I think that is a totally off the wall thing for him to tell other girls OR to tell you. RED FLAG. Unless you badgered it out of him, since it seems like every guy you meet for even 10 minutes ends up telling you how you're better, more sexy, more exploding chemistry etc than any other girl they ever saw!!

[Leigh 87]

I think that is a totally off the wall thing for him to tell other girls OR to tell you. RED FLAG. Unless you badgered it out of him, since it seems like every guy you meet for even 10 minutes ends up telling you how you're better, more sexy, more exploding chemistry etc than any other girl they ever saw!!

 

It is not a red flag for him to tell me after two dates that he wants to focus on just dating me and he has discarded his other dates.

 

And no I didn't once bring up any talks any talks about " us" or where he felt we were going in terms of dating.

[Leigh 87]

Why is it crazy of him to mention to me that " by the way, I have told prior dates and the upcoming date I had this Saturday, that I have met you and that I wish to focus on you and stop contact with them"

 

After a second date is it that much of a red flag that he seems into me enough to not wanna date other women?

 

In any case, the Irish guy rang ( I just didn't reach out to him at all anyway) and I told him I had met this guy and I wanted to see where things go.

 

The Irish guy understood and wished me happiness. He knows I am a nice woman and he wants me to be happy.

 

I don't see the dramas or red flag in NOT wanting to multi date.

[Leigh 87]

We had great phone evergy and the we met.

 

It was only at the end of the first date this he asked me if I had anymore dates planned. I said no.

He said " I have a date planned for Saturday but I wanted to tell you about it and not hide it, and may I add I booked the date in a week ago"

Then on our second date we made out more and he asked me how I felt about dating other people. He said that he would like to cancel his Saturday date, and he would like it if I cancelled meeting the Irish ex when he came down.

He has since told me that he has several ties with the girls he had previously gone on dates in, and that he would like to focus on us without other women being in the picture.

I told him I felt the same way and I had told the Irish ex that I would not be available to meet him.

 

All this talk was 100% instigated by him. I didn't even alluded to wanting to know about his dating life, hope or desires. We don't talk about exes and we aren't putting any pressure.. He doesn't call me his girlfriend or anything crazy ( it has only been three dates and we havent had sex yet) and all he has mentioned is " he wants to see where it goes" and " he has lost desire to date other women "

 

I don't think not wanting to multi date after two dates is a bad thing.

 

While he makes it known that he thinks I am gorgeous, he doesn't tell me that I am more attractive than all his exes or anything odd. The only time he me ever mentioned an ex was in the first date, where he did the typical thing a man who is into you does and he said " but by the way, the girl I was seeing may be 22 but you are so much sexier and I feel lucky to have had this date with you honestly " Aside from that revelation, there has been no talk of exes since the first date. We are too conscience of each others feelings to want to bring up exes at this stage. He mentioned his ex at the real first date before we had ascertained that we wanted to be " exclusive " all be it, not serious yet ( If ever)

 

I think it is customary to mention an ex on the first date or two and then stop once you have given the other person more of an idea as to why you're single and what you are looking for in a partner that, no surprise, your exes lacked ( Hence why they are exes). I personally like to know that there was ex drama. Men who talk badly about their exes for instance, are ringing serious alarm bells. The more negative the experience and the more " crazy " exes, the worse off I am dating such a dude...SO, luckily for me, he has only mentioned his ex one in a very brief exchange, that lasted less than two minutes. He happened to conclude that he found me more his type physically. He didn't stop and gloat about how much hotter I was or anything to an unnecessary extent.

 

This is the first decent seeming man I have had dates with. Usually it is fireworks and nothing more but perhaps laughing. With this guy, he does appear to be a nice person with a kind hard, a hard work ethic ( a Partner HD by age 25 he got) and he is a lecturer at age 27 where as most lecturers are late 30s plus. It is early days and I have no expectations and I know that the most delightful chemistry and good times often end.

 

This is definately the first time I not only have the devine spark and wild attraction that APPEARS on the SURFACE to be attached to a man who does not seem to be a jerk.The lesson here is: next time, stop only going for chemistry but wait for a man that appears to be decent initialy. ...I wasn't, in the past, even waiting to see if the guys seemed decent initialy. Not to the extent I should have. I also have invested too soon previously. Now, despite clearly being smitten, we both know that the initial last does NOT mean we will move on to a relationship.

 

We are late 20s and know this cute arrangement may not last even five more dates..

 

I have personally experienced and seen it in other dating partners; things can seem perfect initialy and then bam, one partner reveals that they have committment issues. Or you loose the " spark " when one or both partners end up feeling turned off by the true personalities...that are of course only viewed from the SURFACE initialy. And for months even.

 

Trust me as taken by this man as I am, I know dating rarely works out and I am not suddenly expecting this guy to.

 

I take it as a very positive sign though that he has voiced his distaste in multi dating. We are therefore on the same page seeing as I don't multi date either.

Edited July 10, 2015 by Leigh 87