great new date old flame come back

[Leigh 87]

Well I have a new guy I am dating. He is a PHD lecturer, seems to have a kind heart and goes all soft over animals ( like when he met my cat:love:), and we have a good connection and sexual chemistry and have since day one. It seems like the first time in the year I've been single, that a kind and decent seeming guy that I am actually ATTRACTED to, wants to date me and only me.

 

Last night he texted me after our date saying that he had cancelled his other dates out of respect to me. I am thrilled, however, he is a little too good looking for me. That's right, I prefer being the better looking one in the relationship. I have just never wanted to deal with potential nasty jibes regarding him being a little above my league. He is 6"3 and gorgeous looking. The sort of guy that usually dates 10s. I am a 7/10. I have pictures I took yesterday up to show you that a girl like me has reason to work a little in dating a hot guy.

 

Now talk about bad timing. My Irish ex who has been single for years, parties on the weekends, takes drugs, didn't want committment and is the type of guy who was not into settling down, has informed me that he has changed his mind and the I am the only girl that has made him consider settling down and having children/ marriage. Me and this guy talk once a week or once a month even at times and he had a sudden change of heart about one month ago. Talked about regretting not committing to me...talked about flying me over...I didn't take him Seriously. He is a playboy type after all and very wild. I continued dating. So, I am on my date last night and I receive a text from irish..... He informed me that he had booked a ticket to see me. He lives other side of Australia to me....... He said he would fly me over to see him for a week too and that he wanted to give things another try with me.

 

Well that's so thoughtful of him. After dumping me the first time and actions like his typical play boy self and likely *****ing new girls for a few months, he suddenly decids that, his words, " our connection is not something he has experienced before"

 

I will add, I am a lot better looking than him so maybe he realizes that I won't be single for ever and feels like I am the best he can get

 

The playboy irish guy definately wants kids and I do believe he has the capacity to be loyal once he has settled down. He has the emotional capacity to love and be a good dad. But some men like him cannot first their urges to revert back to their wild ways..... He has said he wants to always stay on good terms with me, and his sister, his only family from Ireland that is living here in Australia, lives near me so he does have something to do ( seeing his sister).

 

So obviously I should give the lecturer a go since he isn't a playboy, he doesnt sleep around and well, he is a better catch..I have done VERY well for myself, he is the guy hot women openly flirt with yet he doesn't have a big head...but most importantly, him and I did have the instant attraction and chemistry which was effortless...He is a non smoker too and was in a six year relationship in which he claims to have been totally loyal. Where as Irish guy and I had an epic connection for no appreciable reason ( he isn't attractive, there was just something about him) but he is a smoker, and I don't like to date men who party and are not relationship orientated...

 

The new guy has asked me about my dating movements and has indicated that, while he doesn't want to jump into something serious, he would like to focus on one girl at a time........

 

It is clear that even meeting up with the Irish guy seems wrong, if I intend on seeing the new guy.

 

It is hard because I had the all consulting in Love feeling growing for Irish guy and what felt like a rare connection that only happens a couple of times in most people lives. The first time I felt that sort of connection I was age 26. The Irish guy was the next guy I felt it for at age 28. But after irish guy I did make myself closed off to that type of connection.... I have a neighbour I had the kind of chemistry the Irish guy and I had but I could see that I am definately closed off to letting my feelings come into play. Moreover, I feel a lot more emotionally compatable with the lecturer and we did have chemistry instantly as well. It is not like THAT x factor is lacking. It was just totally crazy and gut wrenching with the Irish....which I am no longer open to feeling with new men immediately. Intense chemistry is all I am able to feel for men now days. I just dont allow myself to invest emotions initialy. After the Irish guy, I am definately shut off to falling too early as it was too painful when you also yourself to give in to THAT type of connection and then get shut down.....

 

So the new guy may not work out and then I would have not given things one last try with the Irish. That is a real and likely scenario that could play out.

 

How should I handle this? It is hard to just fob off an ex with whom you shares the devine " fireworks " with who all of a sudden purportedly wants you back?

 

 

The lovely thing about this story? BOTH men have accents so it is win win lol whatever man I choose to pursue.

Edited July 8, 2015 by Leigh 87

[organizedchaos]

Well I have a new guy I am dating. He is a PHD lecturer, seems to have a kind heart and goes all soft over animals ( like when he met my cat:love:), and we have a good connection and sexual chemistry and have since day one. It seems like the first time in the year I've been single, that a kind and decent seeming guy that I am actually ATTRACTED to, wants to date me and only me.

 

Last night he texted me after our date saying that he had cancelled his other dates out of respect to me. I am thrilled, however, he is a little too good looking for me. That's right, I prefer being the better looking one in the relationship. I have just never wanted to deal with potential nasty jibes regarding him being a little above my league. He is 6"3 and gorgeous looking. The sort of guy that usually dates 10s. I am a 7/10. I have pictures I took yesterday up to show you that a girl like me has reason to work a little in dating a hot guy.

 

Now talk about bad timing. My Irish ex who has been single for years, parties on the weekends, takes drugs, didn't want committment and is the type of guy who was not into settling down, has informed me that he has changed his mind and the I am the only girl that has made him consider settling down and having children/ marriage. Me and this guy talk once a week or once a month even at times and he had a sudden change of heart about one month ago. Talked about regretting not committing to me...talked about flying me over...I didn't take him Seriously. He is a playboy type after all and very wild. I continued dating. So, I am on my date last night and I receive a text from irish..... He informed me that he had booked a ticket to see me. He lives other side of Australia to me....... He said he would fly me over to see him for a week too and that he wanted to give things another try with me.

 

Well that's so thoughtful of him. After dumping me the first time and actions like his typical play boy self and likely *****ing new girls for a few months, he suddenly decids that, his words, " our connection is not something he has experienced before"

 

I will add, I am a lot better looking than him so maybe he realizes that I won't be single for ever and feels like I am the best he can get

 

The playboy irish guy definately wants kids and I do believe he has the capacity to be loyal once he has settled down. He has the emotional capacity to love and be a good dad. But some men like him cannot first their urges to revert back to their wild ways..... He has said he wants to always stay on good terms with me, and his sister, his only family from Ireland that is living here in Australia, lives near me so he does have something to do ( seeing his sister).

 

So obviously I should give the lecturer a go since he isn't a playboy, he doesnt sleep around and well, he is a better catch..I have done VERY well for myself, he is the guy hot women openly flirt with yet he doesn't have a big head...but most importantly, him and I did have the instant attraction and chemistry which was effortless...He is a non smoker too and was in a six year relationship in which he claims to have been totally loyal. Where as Irish guy and I had an epic connection for no appreciable reason ( he isn't attractive, there was just something about him) but he is a smoker, and I don't like to date men who party and are not relationship orientated...

 

The new guy has asked me about my dating movements and has indicated that, while he doesn't want to jump into something serious, he would like to focus on one girl at a time........

 

It is clear that even meeting up with the Irish guy seems wrong, if I intend on seeing the new guy.

 

It is hard because I had the all consulting in Love feeling growing for Irish guy and what felt like a rare connection that only happens a couple of times in most people lives. The first time I felt that sort of connection I was age 26. The Irish guy was the next guy I felt it for at age 28. But after irish guy I did make myself closed off to that type of connection.... I have a neighbour I had the kind of chemistry the Irish guy and I had but I could see that I am definately closed off to letting my feelings come into play. Moreover, I feel a lot more emotionally compatable with the lecturer and we did have chemistry instantly as well. It is not like THAT x factor is lacking. It was just totally crazy and gut wrenching with the Irish....which I am no longer open to feeling with new men immediately. Intense chemistry is all I am able to feel for men now days. I just dont allow myself to invest emotions initialy. After the Irish guy, I am definately shut off to falling too early as it was too painful when you also yourself to give in to THAT type of connection and then get shut down.....

 

So the new guy may not work out and then I would have not given things one last try with the Irish. That is a real and likely scenario that could play out.

 

How should I handle this? It is hard to just fob off an ex with whom you shares the devine " fireworks " with who all of a sudden purportedly wants you back?

 

 

The lovely thing about this story? BOTH men have accents so it is win win lol whatever man I choose to pursue.

 

Go be with the Wild Irish playboy who likes to party, do drugs, probably cheat on you and maybe will one day settle down so you can have the "chemistry" as you call it, the wild intense ride you so desire. See how that works out for you. Again.

[yxalitis]

however, he is a little too good looking for me. That's right, I prefer being the better looking one in the relationship.

Firstly, is that you in a towel?

 

Secondly, attraction is NOT UNIVERSAL!

 

This whole 7/10 thing is UTTER GARBAGE!

I can assure you (and I have an unflattering photo up because I'm not here to date), I have a polarizing look.

Some woman think I'm just outright ugly, 3/10.

Some think I'm very handsome, 8/10

Who's right?

THEY ALL ARE, in their own opinion.

 

Finally

The answer is so painfully, massively, throbbingly obvious I won't bother to elucidate...just read your own post again.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't bother with the Irish man. He doesn't even live in your country. Where would that go? So he says he fly you to see him - and then what?

 

Forgot him and the initial thrill, as that will likely die off over time anyway. Do you really want to be with a guy who - by your own admission - isn't a great catch?

 

Try something different and stick with the man who actually offers what you're looking for on a deeper level in the long-run. "Sparks" and "fireworks" simply cannot sustain a relationship.

[yxalitis]

I wouldn't bother with the Irish man. He doesn't even live in your country. Where would that go? So he says he fly you to see him - and then what?

 

Forgot him and the initial thrill, as that will likely die off over time anyway. Do you really want to be with a guy who - by your own admission - isn't a great catch?

 

Try something different and stick with the man who actually offers what you're looking for on a deeper level in the long-run. "Sparks" and "fireworks" simply cannot sustain a relationship.

I think the Irish guy also lives in Australia, but it's a bloody big country!

[Leigh 87]

I have intense chemistry with the lovely lecturer.

 

It was more the fact the Irish fella... Was a wild type who made me feel like I was the one girl he would settle for.

 

I am most DEFINATELY going to date the lecturer and stop communication with the Irish.

 

What I felt for the lecturer felt special and he also seems to think it is worth exploring.

 

This isn't a case of passion up superior chemistry.... Given that I have that department set on fire with the lecturer:love:

[Leigh 87]

I have decided to date the lecturer and see how it goes.

 

He works loooong hours in research / academia and lecturing and marking. He wasn't looking for a relationship. We just hit it off and have decided to at least see where things go without dating other people in the meanwhile.

 

When the lecturer brought up after our second date that he wanted to focus on me and ditched his other dates I was shocked and thrilled.

 

I am going to tell the Irish guy that we can have dinner as friends one of the night that he is here but that is it.

 

He is going to flip a little but what does he expect? That he can ditch women and then have them hand their panties to him when HE suddenly feels like settling down????

[Leigh 87]

Go be with the Wild Irish playboy who likes to party, do drugs, probably cheat on you and maybe will one day settle down so you can have the "chemistry" as you call it, the wild intense ride you so desire. See how that works out for you. Again.

 

No thanks.

 

This thread was more of a vent.

 

I am thrilled to be dating the lecturer, the first decent guy I have ever dated.

 

We have intense chemistry. I blush and get flushed in his presence.

 

At my age I have learnt that the rollar coaster of uncertainty is not true passion.

 

The connection I had with irish playboy is more shallow than it was with lecturer. It is a no brwiner now I have thought more about it.

 

But you have to understand that it isn't easy to immediately dismiss a person with whom you had a strong connection with, your heart still wants what it wants and it was him up until I have now met a man that I feel the same level of chemistry with and plus some.

 

Remember there is usually a time where you long for your ex and want them back. When it fit all happens it pulls at your heart strings and a very new person in the picture doesn't stand as much chance.

 

Lucky for me the lecturer seems to be by FAR the most decent man I have EVER dated plus we have the chemistry and instant attraction I long for.

 

Therefore it is an easy decision in the end because I feel really really taken aback that the lecturer is even dating me, that is how surreal and lucky I feel to even be dating him.........

[TaraMaiden2]

If you go with the lecturer, brush up on your spelling.....

 

(Hint: 'DEFINATELY' is not spelt 'definately')

 

He is going to flip a little but what does he expect? That he can ditch women and then have them hand their panties to him when HE suddenly feels like settling down????

 

No comment....

[Leigh 87]

If you go with the lecturer, brush up on your spelling.....

 

(Hint: 'DEFINATELY' is not spelt 'definately')

 

 

 

No comment....

 

Well English is his second language. Dutch is his first.

 

I am still gobsmacked that he seems into me. He is much much too sexy for a gal like me!

 

I get flushed even talking to him in person

 

It feels like when you are younger and get a forbidden crush on an order man or celebrity......

 

It feels like I have actually got to date my crush he seems above my league but I am just gunna relish in how lucky I am to be dating such a guy.

 

Those exes can sense when you meet someone new....

[ascendotum]

"while he doesn't want to jump into something serious, he would like to focus on one girl at a time........ "

 

I wouldn't necessarily say the lecturer is a more certain bet then the Irish guy for a LTR really, though I think that's the one you should focus on.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long have you been dating the lecturer? And how long did you date the Irish man?

[Eternal Sunshine]

You should stick with the lecturer BUT..

 

You only had 2 dates. It's too early to know if he is "kind" or even "decent". For all you know, he is feeding you some lines to get sex. As boring as this sounds, you need at least a few months of consistency and reliability to even consider a man as a serious prospect (and many will eliminate themselves way before that).

 

Enjoy getting to know the lecturer but don't count your chickens before they hatched!

[Leigh 87]

You should stick with the lecturer BUT..

 

You only had 2 dates. It's too early to know if he is "kind" or even "decent". For all you know, he is feeding you some lines to get sex. As boring as this sounds, you need at least a few months of consistency and reliability to even consider a man as a serious prospect (and many will eliminate themselves way before that).

 

Enjoy getting to know the lecturer but don't count your chickens before they hatched!

 

True.

 

He just texted me:

 

" by the way, I have just told the girls I went on dates with that I want to focus on dating you "

 

I told him I would follow suit.

 

He replied with " I am excited xx :D"

 

 

So far, I have not brought up or even alluded to dating or where we stand. I have not remotely touched on the subject. He has brought it up on his own accord a few times.

 

And after the Irish guy I stopped country my chickens before they hatched. I am just excited about seeing where things go.....

 

The lecturer is the best dating candidate that I have ever had, in that we have an emotional connection seemingly, and he is also a guy I can have deep conversations with about anything. We flow well conversation wise.

 

I suppose I am just really thrilled that a guy I get along with so well in terms of our ability to hang out and talk, also feels mutual intense chemistry. It is very rare. With Irish guy, we only had the intense chemistry and not much else.......

 

 

I know what men are like. Say what they know you wanna hear in order to get sex. It has been done to me. I have heard it been done time and time again. As a general rule, u think men are full o sh.....

 

He has not gone over board with compliments. I know he finds me attractive but he doesn't go over the top with flattering me. I mean lets me real, he isnt hot LHD grad with a lovely personality. He has had a past, I am definately not the most beautiful woman he has dated I am sure... But I am excited to see where it goes, as he seems to be

 

I thought it would be a drag dating a man who was hot and a league or two above me. I am more confident then I anticipated.... I feel quite secureyand comfortable in his interest.

 

He makes me feel very desirable without going over the top with the compliments like the players often do.

[Gaeta]

 

I am going to tell the Irish guy that we can have dinner as friends one of the night that he is here but that is it.

 

He is going to flip a little but what does he expect? That he can ditch women and then have them hand their panties to him when HE suddenly feels like settling down????

 

Why would you do that? You have nothing to gain by giving this guy your time and attention. You have a good thing going with the other man so why risk it by going out with another man! Are you trying to sabotage yourself? You just had a conversation with your new man to concentrate on each other so why do you derogate from it?

[Leigh 87]

Why would you do that? You have nothing to gain by giving this guy your time and attention. You have a good thing going with the other man so why risk it by going out with another man! Are you trying to sabotage yourself? You just had a conversation with your new man to concentrate on each other so why do you derogate from it?

 

You're right.

 

I am really thrilled with the new guy.

 

I guess I felt bad that Irish booked tickets and I now cannot see him.

 

He has his sister he needs to see anyways and nephews. He booked a week here, he wanted to fit his sister in and me so he booked a few extra days for me additionally.

 

I am quite infatuated with the lecturer chemistry wise so am way too happy getting the opportunity to date him and see where it goes.

 

I just dismissed anything happening with lecturer to begin with because he is a little better looking than me so I was sort of NOT expecting him to go for me.

[Leigh 87]

Gosh I have become smitten with current guy so I don't need this thread anymore lol.

 

So much better than another on and off again guy that has the emotional capacity of a goldfish.

[introverted1]

Have you had sex with Lecturer Guy?

 

Regardless, I think it's safe to assume he finds you attractive enough physically. What remains to be seen is whether you each find the other inwardly attractive/interesting enough to sustain a lasting emotional and intellectual connection. As someone pointed out, it can take months to know this.

 

Good luck and have fun.

[Leigh 87]

Have you had sex with Lecturer Guy?

 

Regardless, I think it's safe to assume he finds you attractive enough physically. What remains to be seen is whether you each find the other inwardly attractive/interesting enough to sustain a lasting emotional and intellectual connection. As someone pointed out, it can take months to know this.

 

Good luck and have fun.

 

No sex yet. We have our third date lined up for Saturday.

 

He appears smitten and highly attracted to me. I definately don't feel insecure despite him being by far the hottest man I have ever dated.

 

He makes me feel good about myself, attractive and desirable.

 

He acts very humble and without a big head.

[organizedchaos]

Gosh I have become smitten with current guy so I don't need this thread anymore lol.

 

So much better than another on and off again guy that has the emotional capacity of a goldfish.

 

You've only had 2 dates. You have no idea yet what's to come with new guy down the line. Just keep reality in check and slow your roll before you set yourself up for heartbreak. Not saying that will happen, and I understand how exciting budding relationships can be, but just don't get so invested so quickly until you spend a lot more time together. I know you know this yet every new guy you write about seems to start off the exact same way and fizzles out.

[Rejected Rosebud]

2 things.

 

1) Be careful of this Irish guy, sorry but I think he may have contacted you with all that fancy talk because he was going to come to AU to see his family and he thought he could line you up for a good time easily since you fell for it one time, sorry. I think he will try to see you and from what I know of you it will be hard for you to resist flattery.

 

2) Like the guy above said PLEASE try to chill about this new guy I think you are often your own worst enemy when you start living too much inside your head and you then fail to experience what is actually happening, and then no relationship gets a chance in hell to develop. Good luck I am happy you have a nice guy to date.:bunny:

[Diezel]

I am going to tell the Irish guy that we can have dinner as friends one of the night that he is here but that is it.

 

Maybe Lecturer Guy should tell those girls he cancelled that they should go out with him to dinner as just friends.

 

Seems fair.

 

Why is this even a thing you'd consider? You feel bad for him? After what he did to you?

 

You got to be kidding me.

And I be you are still going to meet him, regardless, and convince yourself going in that you two are still friends but it'll go all wrong.

[kendahke]

Exes are exes for a reason.

 

I think it's a bad idea to consider having dinner with him just because he took it upon himself to buy a plane ticket. He can go have dinner with someone else--I'm sure he's not at a loss for women going by what you've written about him.

[MidwestUSA]

I have pictures I took yesterday up to show you that a girl like me has reason to work a little in dating a hot guy.

 

Yes, we know you do.

 

Leigh, don't you worry about posting pics like that? You know they can be right clicked and saved by others, right?

 

Maybe ease up on the lips a bit.

[Kamille]

You went from being ambivalent to being smitten without having a single interaction with the Lecturer.

 

I hope you realize this means this is you building things up in your head.

 

You need to work on staying focused on reality. You don't need to be head over heels smitten with the lecturer in order to decide you would rather not see your ex.

 

You also need to separate whatever is going on with Lecturer with whatever is going on with your ex. Right now, you're building Lecturer up as a way to justify not seeing the ex.

 

Here's the situation.

 

You've been on two dates with Lecturer. He is telling you he's cancelling his other dates and would like to focus on you alone. This doesn't mean you have to follow suit. You can decide two dates is too early to become exclusive. Or, you can decide to do like him and focus on him alone until you know whether he is worth your time. This means not seeing the ex, not even as a friend.

 

As to the ex, you can decide to see him if you want. But you have to base this not on making a choice between lecturer and him but based on the ex's merit. Is he worth your time? Has he done anything to convince you that he is capable of a long term, loving, healthy relationship? Have the issues that prompted the first break up been resolved? If you judge that they are (and also decide not to be exclusive with lecturer), then maybe you can meet the ex. Otherwise, don't waste your time.

 

 

And Leigh, clearly you have no issues attracting men. That's not your biggest challenge. Your biggest challenge is one of two things:

1. Either you're struggling to identify relationship-worthy men (and no, you don't know Lecturer enough yet to determine that he is). In this case, I suggest you project yourself in a relationship and work at identifying what it is that would sustain it. Things to look for, intense sexual chemistry (I know this is important to you), mutual support, good communication, making a good team at conflict resolution, laughing together, similar views on spirituality and money, etc.

2. Or relationship-worthy men are not sticking around. In this case, you can work on how you present yourself: are you presenting yourself as someone who will make a good life partner beyond the original appeal of sex? Are you presenting yourself as someone a man will take seriously as the potential mother of his children and potential life partner? Someone who he can rely on to make important life decisions?

 

 

I'm saying this because you are overly focused on your looks. Looks get you attention. They don't get you a relationship.