Author lj.cc Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 LOL, you're right! The bottom line is I told him everything today in an email conversation. Sometimes reading is better than talking because there are no interruptions. He responded by writing, "I give in". Well, I didn't particularly like the response. I'm hoping that it wasn't just a dismissal comment so I responded by writing, "I just want you to understand, that's all. Remember, if you let the kids know that I am important to you, I will be important to them. I'm unimportant to them because they think I'm unimportant to you. Please let's just clean the slate and as long as you understand me, we are fine. If it's too much for you, then the future will tell. I just want to put this conversation to rest. Thanks for listening"!
Ruby Slippers Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 The dynamic of his relationship with his kids isn't going to change. Yes, it sounds odd, but some people are very odd. So you can either accept him and his relationship with his kids as it is, and love him as is, or not accept it and leave. He's not going to change. I had a relationship with a guy who was extremely close to his mother and brothers, and they had to be involved in EVERYTHING we did. I loved him, and I tried hard to accommodate their endless demands on our time and privacy. But in the end, being much more independent and self-directed, I couldn't live happily with their intrusive, codependent relationship, so I left. Learn to accept him as is and love him, or don't and leave. Those are your options. Or continue being frustrated and complaining about a situation that will never change much, if at all. 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 The bottom line is I told him everything today in an email conversation. Sometimes reading is better than talking because there are no interruptions. You made one mistake: Please let's just clean the slate and as long as you understand me, we are fine. If it's too much for you, then the future will tell. I just want to put this conversation to rest. Should read - Please let's just clean the slate and as long as you understand me, we are fine. If it's too much for you, then I'm afraid we're done, and you can have your kids to your heart's content, because I will be totally out of the picture. You'll be free and on a home run. But when they find their permanent partners, you'll end up alone, neglected and lonely. Then you'll see just how awful being sidelined really is. . Thanks for listening"! Trust me - on past evidence, he has listened. But I doubt you've been 'heard'. Keep us updated..... 1
DaisyBug Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Oh my, what you said about his mother explains a lot. He's a Mama's Boy, so expect to be second-fiddle to her as well, no matter how old he gets. If he was raised spoiled, getting him to stop spoiling his own kids will be a lesson in futility. You basically exist just to fill in the gaps of time between seeing his kids. At this point, I think you need to stop begging. There's nothing you can do to become a priority - he's made that pretty obvious. You'll have to decide if you can live with that.
preraph Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 What you have there is a father who is friends with his kids rather than 100% parenting them. Now that they're older, it probably makes him feel young and vibrant to be able to hang out with them and their friends (and I'd keep a close eye on that, by the way). He's just trying to be friends with them and he's giving too much because that's what you have to do to keep that going. I'd be really pissed at him about not paying attention to you on the vacation. These kids need to be out of the house soon, but if he's going to keep them in endless credit and expect nothing in return, they may never leave. His job is to prepare them for adulthood, not enable them to be kids forever. Doubt there is anything you can do about it, honestly, except decide for yourself if it's worth it.
Author lj.cc Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 The dynamic of his relationship with his kids isn't going to change. Yes, it sounds odd, but some people are very odd. So you can either accept him and his relationship with his kids as it is, and love him as is, or not accept it and leave. He's not going to change. I had a relationship with a guy who was extremely close to his mother and brothers, and they had to be involved in EVERYTHING we did. I loved him, and I tried hard to accommodate their endless demands on our time and privacy. But in the end, being much more independent and self-directed, I couldn't live happily with their intrusive, codependent relationship, so I left. Learn to accept him as is and love him, or don't and leave. Those are your options. Or continue being frustrated and complaining about a situation that will never change much, if at all. I actually don't really have a problem with the kids. Like I said, I love them. However, the hard part is that he is capable of being so attentive and really considerate. It's just hard to watch when I'm not a part of that. I will leave if he continues. He definitely knows that now. I mean he will take a blanket off of me to cover one of the kids. It's bad and he's got one more shot.
Author lj.cc Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 You made one mistake: Should read - Trust me - on past evidence, he has listened. But I doubt you've been 'heard'. Keep us updated..... Wow that's good!
Author lj.cc Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Oh my, what you said about his mother explains a lot. He's a Mama's Boy, so expect to be second-fiddle to her as well, no matter how old he gets. If he was raised spoiled, getting him to stop spoiling his own kids will be a lesson in futility. You basically exist just to fill in the gaps of time between seeing his kids. At this point, I think you need to stop begging. There's nothing you can do to become a priority - he's made that pretty obvious. You'll have to decide if you can live with that. I know, you're right!
Author lj.cc Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 What you have there is a father who is friends with his kids rather than 100% parenting them. Now that they're older, it probably makes him feel young and vibrant to be able to hang out with them and their friends (and I'd keep a close eye on that, by the way). He's just trying to be friends with them and he's giving too much because that's what you have to do to keep that going. I'd be really pissed at him about not paying attention to you on the vacation. These kids need to be out of the house soon, but if he's going to keep them in endless credit and expect nothing in return, they may never leave. His job is to prepare them for adulthood, not enable them to be kids forever. Doubt there is anything you can do about it, honestly, except decide for yourself if it's worth it. You hit the nail on the head. He is debilitating his own children by enabling them. I was probably too tough with my kids but they are good, healthy, strong and successful kids, (thank the Lord).
kendahke Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) She's been with this guy for 7 years. People come with complications. All people. Sometimes you need to let go, but it's worth a shot to work on things. Not when they make it crystal clear during that entire time that you will not rise to the top position on their priority list and certainly when there is absolutely no hope of that happening. To know that what he does hurts her but he continues to do exactly what hurts her is why she needs to cut her losses and move on. She's 7 years away from what she wants; she's 7 years older and NOTHING will give her those years back. She could have a 6 yr old marriage and a 5 yr old child --or more--by now if that's what she wanted, but she doesn't. What does she have? A man who refuses to make her a priority. This is NOT worth working on. It's never worth working on when your partner is intransigent about shifting his priorities. Edited July 9, 2015 by kendahke 2
kendahke Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) She's been with this guy for 7 years. People come with complications. All people. Sometimes you need to let go, but it's worth a shot to work on things. Begging for scraps of attention isn't a cute look at any age, but especially for someone over the age of 30. That is what she's doing. He knows he's making her do that because when she's told him, he's apologized, but went back to doing it. THAT is the issue that is not worth working on. What OP wants isn't as important to him as what he wants and that much has been made clear for 7 years. To pour any more youth and time into that bottomless pit is unwise and self destructive. A bold, deliberate unwillingness to incorporate OP into his life is why OP needs to dump him and move on. It should not have taken her emailing him ANYTHING for him to open up a can of "act right". He should have wanted to do that 6 1/2 years ago. Edited July 9, 2015 by kendahke 1
Diezel Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 She's been with this guy for 7 years. People come with complications. All people. Sometimes you need to let go, but it's worth a shot to work on things. Yes, and she's known about these "complications" (AKA his kids) for YEARS. She WAITED it out. This is on her. What, she thought they'd hit 18 and they magically would be out of his life? If he was like that at 17... it's NOT going to change because they hit a certain phase or age of their life. This is a guy who obviously centers his life around them and is not going to change that no matter how much the kids change. She moved OUT of a place they were living together. That should have been a HINT. This has been an issue for YEARS. I'd call that WAY beyond "a shot to work on things".
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