Real-life Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I was seeing this girl and we almost got together but I had a family issue come up and we didn't do anything later that night. My mind was else where even though she made it really clear. So a short time later I got back to her to find out she was seeing someone else. She said she was seeing each of us at the same time and that they had sex the next week after her and I hung out because she thought I wasn't interested. We both apologized for our parts, she wanted to do something and hang out but I told her not while she is seeing someone. We haven't talked since, I told her to get a hold of me when she is single. Where I am stuck is that while we didn't do anything or never talked about being anything officially, it was clearly heading there and everyone else saw where it was headed as well. So I keep going back and forth from understanding her side to where I turned her down inadvertently. To had I been important to her, there never would have been another dude in the picture. Her and I have known each other for a little while so it's not like she just met him and me at the same time and was seeing who she liked more.
Author Real-life Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 I get the technical part of it not being cheating or anything but it still seems pretty shady in some regard.
Gary S Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 A person can only love one at a time. Never get involved with a girl who is not falling for you / does not love you. (by the way, a lot of girls under 28 are not ready for love yet). 1
Vintage79 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Not even close to cheating, or even close to being shady - you didn't do anything, you weren't dating, you never got together, etc. - basically, the two of you were literally nothing, regardless of whether or not you thought otherwise. You may not like it, but it's definitely not cheating. Cheating implies some form of committed relationship, which you clearly did not have. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I get the technical part of it not being cheating or anything but it still seems pretty shady in some regard. Nope. Not really. I hate to say it, but you made some assumptions, and she explained that she was under the impression you weren't interested. Now, what, I wonder, could have given her that impression? I think maybe you read more into it than there actually was. Your pride is a bit dented.... but then again, you cannot expect anyone to put their life on hold for you simply because you have other things going on in your life which you gave priority to. Whatever 'family issues' came up, clearly they mattered more than doing anything with her. I'm not suggesting you're wrong; I'm merely saying that you made a choice, and so did she. 1
jen1447 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Cheating and/or shadyness requires some form of deceit, and for there to be deceit there has to be sth to deceive about. You had no understanding or agreement, so ....she's in the clear. 2
Gary S Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Okay, if it's not cheating, at the least, it's not monogamy. Some people think monogamy is a type of wood, lol
jen1447 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Where was there any agreement to monogamy? They weren't even BF/GF. 1
joseb Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Doesn't sex with both parties have to be involved before lack of monogamy is an issue? 1
Author Real-life Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Well thanks for the opinions, There is a lot of info I didn't put because I would have been about 3 times longer. That being said, do I even have a right to be mad about it? Also if she asks later would it be ok to trust her?
yxalitis Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Well thanks for the opinions, There is a lot of info I didn't put because I would have been about 3 times longer. That being said, do I even have a right to be mad about it? Also if she asks later would it be ok to trust her? You have the right to be mad about whatever you damn well want to... You make the decision how you deal with your emotions. I'd go so far as to be disappointed...but not mad. Pull up a chair, let me tell you a story… Last year I started dating a really great girl. We connected extremely well, great conversations, she was Asian, but raised in Australia, so had perfect English, and a broad Aussie accent. She had decided, however, that her next relationship was going to be the One True Love, and had a checklist to make sure she found that…yeah, somewhat naïve I know. This girl, well, let’s say she had been somewhat promiscuous, mentioned that she “normally jumps into relationships, but THIS time wants to take it slow. “Oh, usually I realise the guy’s not good, so I just sleep with him, then after a while, I’m right, they turn out to be an *******, and I dump them” She had 4 tatts, including one she wouldn’t show me, a tongue ring, smoked…all the classis clichéd signs of a girl who has no issues with sex. Her conversation and OK Cupid profile revealed this to the case too… BUT, she had decided THIS time to NOT sleep with me…but we kissed deeply and intimately. One night after watching a movie at her place, we started kissing…and kissing, she lay down, I was on top, in between her legs, and the kissing got very intense, I started tit play, lifted her top and sucked her nipples, when she gets up with a “You should go home now!” OK, if we were high school kids, I’d understand that, but at our age...come on! I go home…nursing my bruised pride. Anyway, the next day she calls me and ask if I would like to go away for the weekend with her. “But not to have sex, OK” We make plans, I book the most romantic place, and make sure she’s OK with a shared bed (They don’t have twin singles, is it OK if we share a bed” Yeah, that’s fine” she says…so I book for the lng weekend two weeks away. I’m thinking she’s getting ready, we have two nights, and…it’s her birthday! Seriously, she plans to go away with me on her birthday… But…the next week, on a Sunday afternoon following a couple days of not seeing her, she calls me: I don’t think it’s working…I’m not ready for a relationship yet…it’s not you its me…blah blah blah… OK, so all that go cancelled. A called her a fortnight later to se if she wanted to try again, and she says “Oh, I’m going to Fiji with my boyfriend” So obviously she was dating the two of us, and in the end chose him over me (proabably slept with him that Saturday before she rang me) A few months later I contact her again, because we really did get along well, and I thought I might at least be friends. “How’s the boyfriend” "Oh, that was a big mistake…" We get together for a drink and she tells me all about it. Turns out she chose this guy…partially…because he had a 6 pack, and it turned her on….”I know that sounds superficial!” No, really? Anyway, he was the jealous type, never trusted her when she went out with friends and family, one day snooped in her phone, she found out told him to F off, he attacked her physically, knocked her to the ground, pulled her hair, restraining order filed… So, yeah I was “disappointed” with her decision, and I guess so was she… C’est la vie
Author Real-life Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 That is a **** story, sorry to hear that. I transferred back to our home town college and I had kept in touch with her while I was away at another College. Long story short we hit it off really well, we each start flirting with each other and everything is escalating naturally how this stuff is supposed too, more flirting, play full banter and play full touching, each of us asking each other if there was anyone else "been here plenty of times, this so I see it in the body laugh and subconscious actions too" She asked me out to dinner and I said yeah sounds great, that weekend I get sick and I can't go. We had the same class and group of friends in college so she knew that was true. So I say lets try later. So I get better, next weekend I make plans with her and she was super excited, couldn't wait. That morning that we have plans, there is a death in my family.. I told her and our group of friends. We still go through with them except that a mutual good friend of each of ours comes too as she also wants to be there from me. That night she was pretty blunt and I was just out of it for obvious reasons. We talked after, the next weekend I am dealing with funeral stuff. So the weekend after "two weeks time" I ask her about the next weekend and that's when she tells me see is seeing someone. I later talk to her and find out it was a guy that I had asked her about around the time I started taking interest in her a few weeks back and she said they were just friends. Granted now I heard they broke up because she wasn't impressed by him... saw that coming.
Cupid's Puppet Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 You cheat on a spouse not a stranger. I don't even know why she told you.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 We're not strangers. You're not a couple, is what Cupid's Puppet meant. You were not 'together' you had no promise, no exclusivity, no commitment, no assurances. The whole thing was totally unsaid, and utterly precarious in its nature.... You had flirting, kidding around, subtle hints at intimacy, but nothing concrete. As I suggested, you got your ego a little bit slapped about, but you have no entitlement to feel cheated. This is the thing that happens, when neither person comes out and says what needs saying. 1
mg101 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 You say you got back in touch with her a "short time later." How much time exactly was that? A week, a few weeks? Were you in touch during the interim at all? If you waited a few weeks with no contact then you have no reason to feel upset or slighted. If you waited a short while but in fact were still actively in touch, texting or calling, etc and showing interest and she was reciprocating then you still don't have a reason to feel like she "cheated" but I would agree she's a bit on the shady side for carrying on two relationships on the verge of a sexual and emotional commitment at the same time. 1
Stupid Sexy Flanders Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I was seeing this girl and we almost got together but I had a family issue come up and we didn't do anything later that night. My mind was else where even though she made it really clear. So a short time later I got back to her to find out she was seeing someone else. She said she was seeing each of us at the same time and that they had sex the next week after her and I hung out because she thought I wasn't interested. We both apologized for our parts, she wanted to do something and hang out but I told her not while she is seeing someone. We haven't talked since, I told her to get a hold of me when she is single. Where I am stuck is that while we didn't do anything or never talked about being anything officially, it was clearly heading there and everyone else saw where it was headed as well. So I keep going back and forth from understanding her side to where I turned her down inadvertently. To had I been important to her, there never would have been another dude in the picture. Her and I have known each other for a little while so it's not like she just met him and me at the same time and was seeing who she liked more. How could it be cheating when you never even had one date? Did you just expect her to sit around waiting for you without knowing anything? Never expect or assume anything. 1
Vintage79 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Well thanks for the opinions, There is a lot of info I didn't put because I would have been about 3 times longer. That being said, do I even have a right to be mad about it? Also if she asks later would it be ok to trust her? You absolutely have the right to be mad about it, but I'd probably use the word frustrated instead, as you should probably not say too much about it to her. It would be inappropriate to give her flack about it - keep in mind that if she were really into you and thought that were a good chance for things to progress in a very positive way, she likely wouldn't have been looking elsewhere. 1
lj.cc Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I was seeing this girl and we almost got together but I had a family issue come up and we didn't do anything later that night. My mind was else where even though she made it really clear. So a short time later I got back to her to find out she was seeing someone else. She said she was seeing each of us at the same time and that they had sex the next week after her and I hung out because she thought I wasn't interested. We both apologized for our parts, she wanted to do something and hang out but I told her not while she is seeing someone. We haven't talked since, I told her to get a hold of me when she is single. Where I am stuck is that while we didn't do anything or never talked about being anything officially, it was clearly heading there and everyone else saw where it was headed as well. So I keep going back and forth from understanding her side to where I turned her down inadvertently. To had I been important to her, there never would have been another dude in the picture. Her and I have known each other for a little while so it's not like she just met him and me at the same time and was seeing who she liked more. You've never been with her. She's not cheating. I wouldn't call her at all and if she was really interested, she wouldn't have found another guy so quickly. Most woman ignore anyone if they are interested in someone else. If she likes you, she'll be back. 2
katiegrl Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) How could it be cheating when you never even had one date? Did you just expect her to sit around waiting for you without knowing anything? Never expect or assume anything. I agree, and given all the bullshyt people toss at each other these days....if a guy cancels first date cause he was sick, and then cancels that first date *again* due to family emergency (okay a death in the family is bad and I am sorry)..... And.....after both those cancellations in a row... he (you) did not keep in touch with her on a consistent basis, it is understandable why she thought you weren't interested. And would want to give another guy a shot. And no she did not cheat. Edited July 8, 2015 by katiegrl
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Interest (romantic) doesn't equal ownership. Why would you assume (look close at that word, it's ironically very descriptive) that it does? Why would you think she thinks it does?
davidromero43 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 My wife did this to me when we first started dating. It is not cheating. But it sucks and hurts. I still think about it almost every day. It has caused a lot of problems throughout our relationship. My wife said she did it to protect her feelings. It just sucks. I feel for you. 1
katiegrl Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) My wife did this to me when we first started dating. It is not cheating. But it sucks and hurts. I still think about it almost every day. It has caused a lot of problems throughout our relationship. My wife said she did it to protect her feelings. It just sucks. I feel for you. Where were you guys when all those multi-dating threads were being created and discussed? Many believe in multi-dating for precisely that reason - to protect their feelings and not get too invested too soon...until they develop trust. It's a catch 22, cause how does the woman (or man) you're dating develop trust in YOU enough to let their guard down so YOU can trust them...if you are dating others while you are dating them? Not gonna happen and in the OP's case, he dumped her because of it! It's a lose lose. Edited July 8, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Author Real-life Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) You say you got back in touch with her a "short time later." How much time exactly was that? A week, a few weeks? Were you in touch during the interim at all? If you waited a few weeks with no contact then you have no reason to feel upset or slighted. If you waited a short while but in fact were still actively in touch, texting or calling, etc and showing interest and she was reciprocating then you still don't have a reason to feel like she "cheated" but I would agree she's a bit on the shady side for carrying on two relationships on the verge of a sexual and emotional commitment at the same time. Yeah exactly, I know it wasn't cheating and I clearly worded head line wrong but it like you said, it seems shady in my mind to go that far with to separate people. I did keep in touch during that time and we saw each other every day at college and talked about more doing more at a future time. Granted I get that when you first meet some one and you're not seriously with anyone then it's all fair then but at a point you have to make a choice at a point before that. Edited July 8, 2015 by Real-life 1
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