learnbyliving Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 My serious ex of 4 years never put his relationship status on Facebook. I had trouble with it in the beginning but it ceased to be an issue when I knew all his family and close friends knew about me.
Krieger Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I do not have a Facebook account so I do not have to worry about this crap and It a waste of time Facebook is IMO.
Author mg101 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Change your status to in a relationship with him and then he will have to approve or deny and you won't be hypocritical at all. I wouldn't like it still saying single after being exclusive all year long, if I really thought it was going somewhere. I'd always hidden mine, but the second my boyfriend implied it mattered to him even a little I changed it, and turned out to actually be nice. Changing your relationship status every three weeks as you date someone is a little pathetic and laughable on social media, but no one judges if it's more occasional even if it doesn't work out. I've never had mine as in a relationship because I just think it's tacky to invite people into your personal life like that. I'd do it if he insisted but I'd be satisfied with both being hidden. Even though, at this point, the other issues are taking a front seat to my initial FB one..
Author mg101 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Can FB die? Too much drama around it. G I agree. I also understand it reveals people's ways so it's a tool... but then again, it's the chicken or the egg theory. I think social media has made temptation, jealousy, and intrusions too easy. Seriously if this is a trend get the hell out right now before you go mad. He is not treating you with those little essentials call respect and dignity. He is also making you believe that you are in the wrong for questioning his bad behaviour. It doesn't get better. It only gets worse. I just wish to God I had had someone tell me this before I wasted years on an a-hole. Don't look back. He isn't all that. Well, I went ahead and brought up about 3 issues that have been on my mind to him this morning (not including the FB thing because it's taken a backseat as I see it more of a symptom of the rest). He focused in on one of the issues and became defensive saying I was unappreciative and hurtful but that we can talk about it all tonight. I responded saying he was being unnecessarily defensive. It went downhill from there. Not good. I almost backed away from even discussing everything tonight because i felt he tried to flip things on me. We're at a stalemate now. I just got off work and he wont be off till about 9.
Author mg101 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 If you already know of 3 of his ex's then chances are you're lined up to be his 4th, regardless of FB or not. . I don' understand what you mean by this. Because 3 exs are too many? He's had his FB since 2007. One was hs gf. One was when he lived abroad. And the last was the most recent one he was with for 2.5 years or so. I dont think that's that bad.
Toodaloo Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I don' understand what you mean by this. Because 3 exs are too many? He's had his FB since 2007. One was hs gf. One was when he lived abroad. And the last was the most recent one he was with for 2.5 years or so. I dont think that's that bad. No - what they mean by that is that you are being treated in a very disrespectful way. It is a trend. It is not one little thing its a whole list of them and the list is growing. If you aspire to be a woman with low self esteem and serious relationship issues and drama - Great - stay with this guy because you are going to end up miserable at best and with an STD/ other health issues at worst. Get out. Before it is too late and you find you have wasted years on a self centered jerk who clearly doesn't give two s**ts about you. Get out of this relationship as fast as you can. 5
candie13 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 FB status is only a symptom. The issue is somewhere else. Address the problem and you won't have the issue. why are you only giving some info and not the whole story? because you know he's an arse to you and you know it, but won't admit it rationally. much easier to analyze every little detail separately and wondering what they mean, than putting them all together and looking at the bigger picture. Look at facts and watch for consistent behavior, if you want to know the truth. How many pics of you are on his fb? How many check ins? Are you posting stuff on his wall? is he posting stuff on yours? Aren't your common friends posting stuff linked to the 2 of you on his wall? how about in real life? how much time are you spending with him and his friends? him and your friends? Are you even sure you're his gf and not just another girl he's hiding in the closet? 2
katiegrl Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) I agree. I also understand it reveals people's ways so it's a tool... but then again, it's the chicken or the egg theory. I think social media has made temptation, jealousy, and intrusions too easy. Well, I went ahead and brought up about 3 issues that have been on my mind to him this morning (not including the FB thing because it's taken a backseat as I see it more of a symptom of the rest). ***He focused in on one of the issues and became defensive saying I was unappreciative and hurtful but that we can talk about it all tonight. I responded saying he was being unnecessarily defensive. It went downhill from there. Not good. I almost backed away from even discussing everything tonight because i felt he tried to flip things on me. We're at a stalemate now.*** I just got off work and he wont be off till about 9. Don't back down sweetie and DO NOT allow him to flip things. Remain strong! It is flat out not appropriate or respectful of him to be texting his EX-gf "happy v-day" -- guilt or no guilt....and don't allow him to convince you otherwise. Let him text his ex happy b-day or happy groundhog day.....and he should not even be doing that IMO ...... but happy valentines day? Come on now. If it were me, I would just leave quietly. Wish him luck with his ex, and be done with it. God luck hon, let us know. And remember, stay strong! Edited July 9, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author mg101 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 No - what they mean by that is that you are being treated in a very disrespectful way. It is a trend. It is not one little thing its a whole list of them and the list is growing. If you aspire to be a woman with low self esteem and serious relationship issues and drama - Great - stay with this guy because you are going to end up miserable at best and with an STD/ other health issues at worst. Get out. Before it is too late and you find you have wasted years on a self centered jerk who clearly doesn't give two s**ts about you. Get out of this relationship as fast as you can. Oh my. The things mentioned rise to that level to you? I know how one can be blind when in a situation so interesting to hear a perspective from an outsider. I mean, he does do a lot of things right and he is very loving and nurturing, but I know that the things he did wrongly are beginning to have an effect as well.
Author mg101 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Don't back down sweetie and DO NOT allow him to flip things. Remain strong! It is flat out not appropriate or respectful of him to be texting his EX-gf "happy v-day" -- guilt or no guilt....and don't allow him to convince you otherwise. Let him text his ex happy b-day or happy groundhog day.....and he should not even be doing that IMO ...... but happy valentines day? Come on now. If it were me, I would just leave quietly. Wish him luck with his ex, and be done with it. God luck hon, let us know. And remember, stay strong! Thanks luv. We're still at a stalemate after yesterday. I didnt call and he hasn't either. His new thing that past few months has been to give me time to "cool off" when i seem upset whereas before he'd press. I understand why he does that but i also find it very annoying to be left alone to fester. In this instance, after the issues I raised, he really should be clamoring to explain regardless of whether he was hurt. As background, since someone mentioned i'm not giving all the info, the issues i brought up were 1) him texting his ex happy vday, 2) him having an former fwb come get his credit card at work and buy my vday present for me since he worked till after the stores closed, 3) asking whether he in fact broke things off well before he and i started dating with his ex or if there was some overlap, 4) asking the true nature of that fwb at the time of vday 5) his comment about being in love with a celeb's wife and being mad he couldnt be with her (made a thread about that one) and 6) generally how he needs to really be honest about the past and understand that he has to rebuild the trust that i lost early on and lastly (this is what he was upset about yesterday 7) asking if he in fact went and bought my bday present himself. My bday was a few weeks ago and he got me something really nice that i wanted but rehashing the vday incident had those doubts creep up. He said he was hurt by me asking about the bday present. That he'd actually planned the present ahead of time, left work to get it, spent time to wrap it perfectly and write me a note; that he thought his effort would be what would make me happy; that he cant seem to do anything right; that all he wants is to make me happy, etc. I told him i appreciated everything but, again, the reason those thoughts even creep up for me is because of what he did in the past and that's even more reason he needs to not flip things and realize where it's all coming from. To give a full picture, the good: he's very very loving; he's supportive of things i do; we spend a LOT of time together (i'd say 5 days out of a week minimum); he's introduced me to friends and family here; he compliments me all the time; he constantly talks about a future together and makes concrete plans like wanting us to move in together in October and be engaged next year etc. That's kind of the backstory.
Diezel Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 You two so do not belong together. He's going to see that before you do. If a woman brought up multiple issues to me at the same time, I'd definitely be almost ready to vamoose.
Author mg101 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 You two so do not belong together. He's going to see that before you do. If a woman brought up multiple issues to me at the same time, I'd definitely be almost ready to vamoose. I can understand that. But he's done that with me before. It all needs to be addressed anyway since if it's not done so adequately, i know i wont be able to stick it out either.
Diezel Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I can understand that. But he's done that with me before. It all needs to be addressed anyway since if it's not done so adequately, i know i wont be able to stick it out either. Just end it. Seriously. All your "issues" are NEVER going to be clearly addressed. You will always have that insecurity nagging at you (Case in point: YOUR birthday present).
Author mg101 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Just end it. Seriously. All your "issues" are NEVER going to be clearly addressed. You will always have that insecurity nagging at you (Case in point: YOUR birthday present). LOL is all your advice on here to just end it. I think i could get past it but tbh it'll take time and him changing some things he continues to do that erodes at the trust. He doesn't keep his word in many instances. It's a problem even his sister said the family complains about. He says he'll do xyz and doesn't, small things that create a lack of trust in that persons word. Things like that he can fix to make himself more reliable and trustworthy. That's his choice however.
katiegrl Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 mg, jmo but the reason why he leaves you alone to "cool off" is because, in his logic, given enough time, you will become so anxious wondering when you will hear from him, you are willing to OVERLOOK the reason why you were upset in the first place. This gets him off the hook as far as having to explain his actions...... It is a form of manipulation. 3
MissBee Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 His is still "single" from before we were dating. Been together 8 months. He's not really active on it but has a TON of friends and family on there including at least 3 exs I know of. My relationship status is hidden and always has been. In this situation, would you ask your SO to change it to in a relationship or at least hide it so it's not Single? Seems petty but then again maybe not. I don't have a relationship status on FB, regardless of if I'm single or not. I had it once, then remember when I changed to "In A Relationship" I got all these comments. I didn't want that. Likewise, I see people go from "In A Relationship" to "Single" and the comments come...I don't want all and sundry commenting on my relationship so I keep those kinds of things off FB. That said, except for one ex, most of the men I've dated weren't big into FB. They either only had a business page or had no relationship status up (like me) so it's never been a problem. But I can understand how if your status says "Single" when you're in a relationship it can pose a problem rather than having no status at all and in that case I think it makes sense to ask about it or bring it up. 1
MissBee Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Everyone knows hidden status means single just as much as single means single. . Ahh where does everyone know this? I NEVER have relationship statuses and most of my friends except the ones who are married don't either, and that is when I am in a relationship or single. Why? Because most of us don't use FB to broadcast our romantic lives. I personally only see the sense of this if I'm married or to announce an engagement. But if I'm just dating, it seems silly, esp if each time you break up you have to change it lol.
Author mg101 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 mg, jmo but the reason why he leaves you alone to "cool off" is because, in his logic, given enough time, you will become so anxious wondering when you will hear from him, you are willing to OVERLOOK the reason why you were upset in the first place. This gets him off the hook as far as having to explain his actions...... It is a form of manipulation. Geez never thought of this angle...
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) Geez never thought of this angle... Think about it. Why else would he be leaving you alone (i.e. ignoring you)? He knows by putting enough distance between you...he's hoping the whole thing will just go away, and he won't have to answer for himself. Don't fall for it. If it were me... when he decides to get back in touch (DON'T contact him first)... I won't be so available. He needed space and distance...well I need even more space and distance. This avoidance and withdrawing crap he is pulling is BS. That is not how a man who cares about a woman behaves. When she is upset, he doesn't just dismiss her and ignore her. He cares about her and if he has done something to upset her (or even if he thinks he has not done anything)....he wants to resolve the issue so she (they both) feel better and can move on as a couple.... I'm sorry this comes off as snarky (not towards you) but I am not in the best of moods today....and I am sick of some of the crap these men pull. That's all... let us know what happens and good luck. Edited July 10, 2015 by katiegrl
Qboro90 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Thanks luv. We're still at a stalemate after yesterday. I didnt call and he hasn't either. His new thing that past few months has been to give me time to "cool off" when i seem upset whereas before he'd press. I understand why he does that but i also find it very annoying to be left alone to fester. In this instance, after the issues I raised, he really should be clamoring to explain regardless of whether he was hurt. As background, since someone mentioned i'm not giving all the info, the issues i brought up were 1) him texting his ex happy vday, 2) him having an former fwb come get his credit card at work and buy my vday present for me since he worked till after the stores closed, 3) asking whether he in fact broke things off well before he and i started dating with his ex or if there was some overlap, 4) asking the true nature of that fwb at the time of vday 5) his comment about being in love with a celeb's wife and being mad he couldnt be with her (made a thread about that one) and 6) generally how he needs to really be honest about the past and understand that he has to rebuild the trust that i lost early on and lastly (this is what he was upset about yesterday 7) asking if he in fact went and bought my bday present himself. My bday was a few weeks ago and he got me something really nice that i wanted but rehashing the vday incident had those doubts creep up. He said he was hurt by me asking about the bday present. That he'd actually planned the present ahead of time, left work to get it, spent time to wrap it perfectly and write me a note; that he thought his effort would be what would make me happy; that he cant seem to do anything right; that all he wants is to make me happy, etc. I told him i appreciated everything but, again, the reason those thoughts even creep up for me is because of what he did in the past and that's even more reason he needs to not flip things and realize where it's all coming from. To give a full picture, the good: he's very very loving; he's supportive of things i do; we spend a LOT of time together (i'd say 5 days out of a week minimum); he's introduced me to friends and family here; he compliments me all the time; he constantly talks about a future together and makes concrete plans like wanting us to move in together in October and be engaged next year etc. That's kind of the backstory. THOSE are your reasons for being upset with him? The fact that you said your mostly upset whether or not he was the one who went and bought you a present is selfish and immature to be frank. You get a present, he makes sure that you do regardless of his work schedule and you're giving him **** for it? I'd be fed up if I were him. You seem incredibly focused on the past... And minuscule things in the past for that matter. The v day text to the ex is the only thing that I see as a bad move on his part but if he hasn't contacted her since February and you have no other reasons or examples of him being in contact with other girls then he obviously saw it was wrong and upset you and made the appropriate changes. Saying that he's in love with a celebrities wife.... Seriously? Is that something work fighting over or breaking up? Just think if someone were to ask why you two broke up and you had to say "well he thought Megan Fox was gorgeous and had a huge crush on her and I just couldn't take it any longer". Seems a bit ridiculous. It sounds like this guy is overall a pretty good boyfriend... No ones perfect and the mistakes he made are more lapses of judgment than anything. Give him a break, nit picking on things like what you listed are only going to make him see you as forever unsatisfied and constantly finding something he did or said to complain/argue about. Pick your battles 1
Acacia98 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 THOSE are your reasons for being upset with him? The fact that you said your mostly upset whether or not he was the one who went and bought you a present is selfish and immature to be frank. You get a present, he makes sure that you do regardless of his work schedule and you're giving him **** for it? I'd be fed up if I were him. You seriously don't see something wrong with the fact that he had a woman he used to have sex with come to work, take his credit card, and buy his girlfriend a present on Valentine's day? WTF? That alone would have made me take a huge step back from the relationship. It would have been far better for him to apologize to his girlfriend, let her know ahead of time that her present would be late, and then buy it himself. It is not remotely appropriate to involve a woman you've been intimate with in the process of buying an intimate gift (It was V-day, he must have been getting her something romantic) for a woman you are currently intimate with. And let's not forget: he gave her his credit card. What does that tell you if not that they have a relationship built on trust and emotional intimacy? Totally inappropriate. And this is relationship 101 stuff. The one thing I can say about this guy based on everything I've read is that he has boundary issues. He doesn't have the capacity to set up proper boundaries between himself and women he's been intimate with. That's never a good sign. Breeds a lot of mistrust and insecurity in the current relationship. And it usually means the person is cheating or will cheat soon enough, when the opportunity presents itself. Even if it turns out that he does not have a conscious desire to cheat, he is setting himself up to fail by getting himself tangled up in these kinds of situations. I can easily imagine a situation where he has an argument with mg101 and ends up running into an ex's arms for consolation. Not good at all. And there's also the fact that he dated the ex for 2.5 years and apparently wasn't serious about it. Makes me wonder if she was aware that he "wasn't serious" during those 2.5 years. mg101, you're doing right to stand up for yourself. Just be prepared for the possibility that he won't be willing to set up proper boundaries and respect your relationship. 1
Toodaloo Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Oh my. The things mentioned rise to that level to you? I know how one can be blind when in a situation so interesting to hear a perspective from an outsider. I mean, he does do a lot of things right and he is very loving and nurturing, but I know that the things he did wrongly are beginning to have an effect as well. Yes they do... These little minor things and the "your over reacting" lead to my being left dead in hospital while he went paint balling. OK my case is extreme as the circumstances were terrible towards the end, but my point is that this guy is selfish in all the wrong ways. He will not support you when you need it. he currently considers you a convenience, something thats alright to have around while you serve a purpose but ultimately you are disposable to him. My ex was also very loving and nurturing when it served its purpose which only lead me to believe that I was going mad, that it was my fault, that I was a really bad person. Reality is that he was cruel. Keeping me on a leash and giving me just enough to make me completely lose my sense of self, my health, my financial stability... I could go on. Just pick yourself up and walk away. There are far more gorgeous wonderful men out there who just will not do this and would not consider this acceptable behaviour. Do not contact him, do not answer when he eventually contacts you. Just get out now. 1
Author mg101 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 THOSE are your reasons for being upset with him? The fact that you said your mostly upset whether or not he was the one who went and bought you a present is selfish and immature to be frank. You get a present, he makes sure that you do regardless of his work schedule and you're giving him **** for it? I'd be fed up if I were him. You seem incredibly focused on the past... And minuscule things in the past for that matter. The v day text to the ex is the only thing that I see as a bad move on his part but if he hasn't contacted her since February and you have no other reasons or examples of him being in contact with other girls then he obviously saw it was wrong and upset you and made the appropriate changes. Saying that he's in love with a celebrities wife.... Seriously? Is that something work fighting over or breaking up? Just think if someone were to ask why you two broke up and you had to say "well he thought Megan Fox was gorgeous and had a huge crush on her and I just couldn't take it any longer". Seems a bit ridiculous. It sounds like this guy is overall a pretty good boyfriend... No ones perfect and the mistakes he made are more lapses of judgment than anything. Give him a break, nit picking on things like what you listed are only going to make him see you as forever unsatisfied and constantly finding something he did or said to complain/argue about. Pick your battles The thing is, it's not nitpicking. It's just a simple conversation to address things he glossed over in the past and I failed to properly require explanations for. He's brought up things in the past I considered petty or he's reacted in ways i thought were unjustified. But guess what? That's what I think. He's his own person. All I can do is listen and try to reassure and explain so we can get past things. That's all I'm asking for here. An honest conversation so I can explain why I feel the way I do sometimes and he can explain his perspective so we can move on. I don't think that's so bad. And the present thing - i agree, i should've broached that better regarding the BDAY present. But it's the VDAY incident that left me with doubts. What's so wrong with openly communicating that so, again, we can understand each other better, discuss and move from there.
Author mg101 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 You seriously don't see something wrong with the fact that he had a woman he used to have sex with come to work, take his credit card, and buy his girlfriend a present on Valentine's day? WTF? That alone would have made me take a huge step back from the relationship. It would have been far better for him to apologize to his girlfriend, let her know ahead of time that her present would be late, and then buy it himself. It is not remotely appropriate to involve a woman you've been intimate with in the process of buying an intimate gift (It was V-day, he must have been getting her something romantic) for a woman you are currently intimate with. And let's not forget: he gave her his credit card. What does that tell you if not that they have a relationship built on trust and emotional intimacy? Totally inappropriate. And this is relationship 101 stuff. The one thing I can say about this guy based on everything I've read is that he has boundary issues. He doesn't have the capacity to set up proper boundaries between himself and women he's been intimate with. That's never a good sign. Breeds a lot of mistrust and insecurity in the current relationship. And it usually means the person is cheating or will cheat soon enough, when the opportunity presents itself. Even if it turns out that he does not have a conscious desire to cheat, he is setting himself up to fail by getting himself tangled up in these kinds of situations. I can easily imagine a situation where he has an argument with mg101 and ends up running into an ex's arms for consolation. Not good at all. And there's also the fact that he dated the ex for 2.5 years and apparently wasn't serious about it. Makes me wonder if she was aware that he "wasn't serious" during those 2.5 years. mg101, you're doing right to stand up for yourself. Just be prepared for the possibility that he won't be willing to set up proper boundaries and respect your relationship. Very good points. And this pattern of boundaries is at the core of what's bothering me. At this moment, we still haven't talked on the phone or in person. We texted yesterday morning where i explained the BDAY comment wasnt to hurt his feelings and I apologize but it's a symptom of the last incident vday. Told him i'm still bothered by the things i mentioned and want to fully discuss so he understands and I do as well and we can hopefully then move on better than we have. He wrote back he wants me to have a clear mind, and hates doubtful thoughts himself and that he needs to also explain some things better. Sounds good. That was around noon. He didn;t call last night so I rang him about 11pm, he didnt answer so i left a message saying i thought we would talk that night and i really feel like its important we address things that come up quickly and move on instead of letting it linger. I then text him after. It's 10 am and he still hasn't called or texted. I am SOOO trying to no longer be passive agressive in this relationship and instead communicate my feelings but at this point, I think I'm going to ignore him for a few days. He hasn't made me, us or the issue a priority, he's instead making it a bigger deal than it had to be. It honestly would've ended with a 15-20 min convo and we would've been done with this on Wednesday. 1
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Very good points. And this pattern of boundaries is at the core of what's bothering me. At this moment, we still haven't talked on the phone or in person. We texted yesterday morning where i explained the BDAY comment wasnt to hurt his feelings and I apologize but it's a symptom of the last incident vday. Told him i'm still bothered by the things i mentioned and want to fully discuss so he understands and I do as well and we can hopefully then move on better than we have. He wrote back he wants me to have a clear mind, and hates doubtful thoughts himself and that he needs to also explain some things better. Sounds good. That was around noon. He didn;t call last night so I rang him about 11pm, he didnt answer so i left a message saying i thought we would talk that night and i really feel like its important we address things that come up quickly and move on instead of letting it linger. I then text him after. It's 10 am and he still hasn't called or texted. I am SOOO trying to no longer be passive agressive in this relationship and instead communicate my feelings but at this point, I think I'm going to ignore him for a few days. He hasn't made me, us or the issue a priority, he's instead making it a bigger deal than it had to be. It honestly would've ended with a 15-20 min convo and we would've been done with this on Wednesday. mg, please stop calling/texting. Didn't I tell you if you confronted him, he would only toss you more bullshyt? Which is precisely what he did by responding he wants to discuss it too, blah blah. He has no interest in discussing ..... this otherwise he would NOTstill be ignoring you.... Leave this and him alone.....he's just not worth it hon. I'm sorry. 2
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