I4givehim Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I have to ask the OW on here. What makes you think the MM isn't going to do to you what he did to his wife. You will always be playing detective while you are with him. Checking his phone, computer, his where about at all time. If he can say and do what he did to his W who gave him beautiful children, a loving home, EVERYTHING of herself!!!.... What will he do to you??? 1
autumnnight Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I have to ask the OW on here. What makes you think the MM isn't going to do to you what he did to his wife. You will always be playing detective while you are with him. Checking his phone, computer, his where about at all time. If he can say and do what he did to his W who gave him beautiful children, a loving home, EVERYTHING of herself!!!.... What will he do to you??? People like to think they are different. But cheating, while the person is cheating, is a character problem. And a character problem is no respecter of persons. He/she has already done it once. I do not believe "once a cheater always a cheater," but unless the affair couple who end up together do some real personal inventory, I think there is a real danger of one or both of them doing the same thing when the going gets tough. 7
RightThere Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 No disrespect to OW, but they was living in Affairyland with MM (the same as with OM and MW). Everything they have together started as lies, continues with lies, and does not exist in reality. OW get a fraction of the MM's real life and assume they know it all. They assume that even though MM lies to his wife, he would never lie to OW because what they have is "special". Nothing exists forever in Affairyland. Just denial. 7
Morro72 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 We've seen an example of a guy who cheated on three wives in a row, marrying the first two OWs. OW #3 was a little smarter so she escaped relatively unscathed. He's now aged out of the dating pool so no more wives until maybe he gets to a nursing home. 1
No Limit Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) Maybe you should have posted this in the OM/OW area of the forum. Alas, I only know of the continued story of one serial cheater - cheated on wife #1, she left ASAP, he got together with OW and married her. Even during the engagement he began cheating on her, she stayed for a couple years until eventually she too left. Guy finds wife #3 in time and "sadly" she became pregnant so she stays for 15 years for the kid - her husband cheating all the while of course - until finally heading for a divorce as well. Last thing from here was wife #4 being cheated on, wonder how long that one lasted. I think someone who begs for the attention of a deceiving lowlife - not always the case of course, but mostly - deserves your pity. Edited July 7, 2015 by No Limit 1
Author I4givehim Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 No disrespect to OW, but they was living in Affairyland with MM (the same as with OM and MW). Everything they have together started as lies, continues with lies, and does not exist in reality. OW get a fraction of the MM's real life and assume they know it all. They assume that even though MM lies to his wife, he would never lie to OW because what they have is "special". Nothing exists forever in Affairyland. Just denial. I love when the OW writes that she and the MM are soul mates. Really!!!!! He is married. He belongs to his wife. 6
autumnnight Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 He belongs to his wife. Here's where someone will come in and say "He's not protperty!!!" knowing full well that is not what you meant. You have to understand. A person who knowingly engages in an affair with a married person is already living as if the world revolves around them. And in that world, this poor victim of his mean old wife would never cheat on HER. 9
Sassy Girl Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I was an OW, but I would never take up with my MM because I saw what he could do to his wife of 20 years, the mother of his children. No way I'd trust him. 5
minimariah Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 this thread made me think of Ernest Hemingway. he married 4 times -- 3 of his wives were OWs. 7
AlwaysGrowing Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 It seems that the affair couples that successfully transition into a healthy relationship are those that are willing to look at the affair/aftermath and make changes with how they conduct themselves while in a relationship. I am not sure how many affair couples actually do that though. I think it is more common for the affair couple to paint the FBS as having any "issues"... Before, during and after the affair. For those affair couples...what bonds them is their shared "enemy"(BS). That is why it is important for a FBS to not feed that bond..by engaging/responding to any bait. 7
goodyblue Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 We were very purposeful and deliberate the steps we took after he left his ex. I moved across the country and rented a home a mile from his flat and we dated. We got to know one another outside the affair dynamic. We went to therapy. We didn't rush anything. We are open and honest. Neither of us demand transparency, it is just there because that is the nature of our relationship. But underneath it all, I did and do trust him. His marriage really was a mess and his ex does have a lot of issues, substance abuse, anger issues etc. He also was a doormat of sorts, which was a problem. He has had to learn to state his needs and stand up for himself. I had known him and we had been friends for nearly 20 years prior to our affair so I knew him well and knew this was not the norm for him. He just is not the serial cheater type. This was our one and only affair and we have guilt. We had to learn to forgive ourselves and each other. It has been work but it has been worth it. We are better, more healthy people now than we were before the affair. So that is why I don't worry. 7
GoldieLox Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I was an OW, but I would never take up with my MM because I saw what he could do to his wife of 20 years, the mother of his children. No way I'd trust him. This. Sometimes married people do meet others and realize "oh s&%t, I really am with the wrong person. THIS person is my soulmate" (I hate that word by the way, but everyone seems to throw it around) and they do end up with that person in the end, because it is true love, not just an episode of who can eat the biggest cake. In that case, obviously the best thing is to make sure both parties are single first. Does it happen that way often? No. 3
autumnnight Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Goodyblue, it sounds like you and your H really did the work. You weren't afraid to ask the tough questions and test your relationship in the cold light of day. That to me is miles different than the whole "I met my true match" fantasy land where both just ooze into the sunset, blaming the mean old betrayed wife for all the ills of the world. 5
Red123 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Goodyblue, it sounds like you and your H really did the work. You weren't afraid to ask the tough questions and test your relationship in the cold light of day. That to me is miles different than the whole "I met my true match" fantasy land where both just ooze into the sunset, blaming the mean old betrayed wife for all the ills of the world. I agree, this situation is nothing like the affair I dealt with. 1
Artie Lang Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I was an OW, but I would never take up with my MM because I saw what he could do to his wife of 20 years, the mother of his children. No way I'd trust him. yet, even knowing this, most OW are all too happy to engage in an affair with such a man. not good enough to have a legitimate relationship, but good enough to sneak around with. doesn't even make sense. this isn't directed at you OP... just OW in general. 5
goodyblue Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Goodyblue, it sounds like you and your H really did the work. You weren't afraid to ask the tough questions and test your relationship in the cold light of day. That to me is miles different than the whole "I met my true match" fantasy land where both just ooze into the sunset, blaming the mean old betrayed wife for all the ills of the world. Well I am not gonna lie, I did a lot of that to begin with, but of course as time went I realized... she is just a person and they were not compatible at all. I feel sorry for her now because she will probably never date/marry again. She has a lot of work to do on herself, starting with AA and therapy, but she won't go. We just concentrate on us and live our lives, it is all we can do. 2
Popsicle Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I have to ask the OW on here. What makes you think the MM isn't going to do to you what he did to his wife. You will always be playing detective while you are with him. Checking his phone, computer, his where about at all time. If he can say and do what he did to his W who gave him beautiful children, a loving home, EVERYTHING of herself!!!.... What will he do to you??? I don't have this problem anymore since I ended my A, but hypothetically, if we had ended up together, since he had proved that he was capable of cheating, yes, it would have been something floating around in my mind. Not something that tormented me or that I'd obsess about, but a possibllity nonetheless, until I got a sign that it was happening. Time passing without any signs would probably make that worry go away completely, but if there were signs, you bet your bottom dollar I would be thinking he'll do the same. 1
Sassy Girl Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 yet, even knowing this, most OW are all too happy to engage in an affair with such a man. not good enough to have a legitimate relationship, but good enough to sneak around with. doesn't even make sense. this isn't directed at you OP... just OW in general. We had a mutually beneficial arrangement which we both enjoyed. Neither of us wanted more than the other was giving. We agreed from the onset true nature of the relationship and how far it would go. Made sense to us. Obviously. It's ended. No one found out. I suspect this kind of arrangement happens more often than some would like to admit. 3
Raena Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 That's the same question I asked about the OW in my situation... what makes her think she's so special? He's done it before, he'll do it again and he did... and then she did and they are a hot mess. So much of a hot mess that my ex called me last week sobbing about how sorry he is for what he did, that it was all a mistake. In their case... it didn't work out. What goes around, comes around. These things have a way of working themselves out. 8
waterwoman Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Well that depends on the MM in question doesn't it. FWIW if H had left me for OW, I don't think he'd cheat again, not neccesarily because of her or their relationship, but simply that he was so horrified by his actions - genuinely horrified and ashamed. We had been together a long long time when he cheated - it isn't part of his nature to lie or cheat, he is a very loyal person. The affair was totally out of the blue and shocking. In fact if he had ended his marriage to be with her I think there'd be even more incentive to stay loyal - to prove that he did the right thing. If you are going to make your bed, you at least need to show the world that you are prepare to lie in it! 6
goodyblue Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 That's the same question I asked about the OW in my situation... what makes her think she's so special? He's done it before, he'll do it again and he did... and then she did and they are a hot mess. So much of a hot mess that my ex called me last week sobbing about how sorry he is for what he did, that it was all a mistake. In their case... it didn't work out. What goes around, comes around. These things have a way of working themselves out. In your case Raena, he deserves all the missery he gets. 4
Arieswoman Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 AnotherSadSong post #21 I am not an overly religious person but have been feeling drawn that direction lately, so I will say this, Jesus of all people loved Mary Magdalene, and it is in the scriptures, when she was brought to him, she was all sorts of caught up in Adultery. So I would say most of us OW who have lost our way have a lot to offer and are worthy as anyone else. I would sort-of go along with this up to a point. We don't know that Mary Magdalene was the woman that was caught in adultery, because she wasn't named. However, assuming that she was that woman we must bear in mind the punchline to the story where Our Lord says "Go and sin no more" 4
RainDown Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I have to ask the OW on here. What makes you think the MM isn't going to do to you what he did to his wife. You will always be playing detective while you are with him. Checking his phone, computer, his where about at all time. If he can say and do what he did to his W who gave him beautiful children, a loving home, EVERYTHING of herself!!!.... What will he do to you??? So does that mean that any person who EVER cheated in a relationship should be kicked out of the dating pool forever and ever? Just curious.
autumnnight Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 So does that mean that any person who EVER cheated in a relationship should be kicked out of the dating pool forever and ever? Just curious. There are people who do believe that everyone who has ever at any time been an AP or a WS should be kicked out of the dating pool forever, yes. And sometimes they'd like them to be kicked out of human society forever. Unless of course they go all Hester Prynne for the allotted amount of time. Ironically, some of these people are very vocal Christians who have forgotten that their sin also put Jesus on the cross.... 2
RainDown Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 There are people who do believe that everyone who has ever at any time been an AP or a WS should be kicked out of the dating pool forever, yes. And sometimes they'd like them to be kicked out of human society forever. Unless of course they go all Hester Prynne for the allotted amount of time. Ironically, some of these people are very vocal Christians who have forgotten that their sin also put Jesus on the cross.... Well, that's disheartening to hear. I suppose the years I spent becoming a better/different person are all for naught then. No room in the world for untouchables like me, no matter how great I am now. I need a hug. 1
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