Empyrea Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) Help! I've been er.. seeing ? dating ? befriending this lovely guy. But I just can't figure out what our deal is and how I should move forward. We've been talking online actively for about two months - we met at a party with friends, had some serious chemistry, but there was an issue with him being friends with my ex (who I'm still friends with). Now I don't think this is a problem, but I can tell he's uncomfortable about it. Nevertheless, I took the initiative to get in touch with him, and we've been chatting ever since. It took almost a month of bluffing, until we actually met, and we've been out on four dates. I mean, I think they're dates?! Romantic settings, going to the movies or taking walks on the beach, just the two of us, no alcohol, just chatting, joking, flirting for hours. There's been some touching, hand holding, hugging, but he's not made any real moves! The last time we met, I practically blackmailed a kiss out of him... And now I'm just unsure as to where we're at. He still talks to me all the time, almost every day, asking me how I am, what I'm up to etc. Possibly the level of flirtation and innuendo has decreased a bit? Also, I feel like I've been the one to initiate most of our "dates", although he's always agreed to them immediately, I decided I'd wait this time to see if he asks me out of not. So that's the first part of the plan in determining what's happening, but what else can I do? On the one hand, I feel like he's attracted to me (there's chemistry, touching, he always notices and compliments something about my appearance), and I KNOW he knows I'm into him, I think I've made that clear, but he refuses to make a move or be clear about his intentions. Do you think it could still be the ex thing? I mean, I think anything "dishonourable" he might have attempted with some casual girl would not be possible with me, because it would ruin his relationship with my ex. Or is it something else? I mean, if he were really interested then that shouldn't stand in the way surely? And what about all the flirting? Should I just back off a bit and let him chase me - if he's interested at all? Or is he just interested in me as a friend? We always have a great time together, but in my experience, guys rarely want to be "just friends" with girls they're attracted to... I just don't know. Is there anything else I can do to really get it through to him that it's time to make a move? Or should I make the move? And no, the one thing I do NOT want to do, is have an open mature conversation about this.. it would just make things too awkward. I can tell he would be super uncomfortable with that (as would I)... so any, ANY kind of other tips on how I should play this out? Help! Ask me if I left anything unclear. Edited July 7, 2015 by Empyrea
lana-banana Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 You're doing the right thing by waiting for him to initiate, but it sounds like you already have your answer: he's withdrawing, decreasing the innuendo, and reluctant to touch you in a sexual way. If he knows you like him (and I don't doubt he does) and is still refusing to make any moves or mirror your own, that's about as clear as it gets. I don't think the issue is your ex. If he was genuinely attracted to you, he would pursue you regardless; even if it was about your ex, then the problem would be that he cares more about his friendship with your ex than you, and who wants to be with someone who doesn't really like them? 1
ppy6918 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 sounds like you guys are dating, not 'hanging out'. If I were you and I like him enough I would just go ahead and confront him. 1
Author Empyrea Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 *ply It does feel like we're dating, yet dating without actually getting anywhere.. I'm thinking booze him up and then confront him? But also I feel like I should wait for his initiative.. if that doesn't happen, then that's quite a clear sign. Sometimes he hints at his plans or what he wants to do today - as if I'm supposed to jump in and say "oh we can do that together" - because I did once, and he agreed immediately, but then, come on, I can't do that every time. It's just me putting myself on the line all the time and him just being passive.
Author Empyrea Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 You're doing the right thing by waiting for him to initiate, but it sounds like you already have your answer: he's withdrawing, decreasing the innuendo, and reluctant to touch you in a sexual way. If he knows you like him (and I don't doubt he does) and is still refusing to make any moves or mirror your own, that's about as clear as it gets. I don't think the issue is your ex. If he was genuinely attracted to you, he would pursue you regardless; even if it was about your ex, then the problem would be that he cares more about his friendship with your ex than you, and who wants to be with someone who doesn't really like them? That's why I'm confused though. On the one hand, that does sound really clear.. but why keep initiating conversation? So maybe he would like to keep me around as a friend? In that case, the change has been quite swift, because initially he was very touchy.. and the kiss which I feel like I blackmailed out of him - I wish he would have just said something then, if he didn't mean it. Like using the ex thing would be a perfect excuse to come out of this as a gentleman, if he's just not that into me.
Eighty_nine Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I can't imagine why this guy would spend that sort of time with you if he wasn't interested 1
lana-banana Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 That's why I'm confused though. On the one hand, that does sound really clear.. but why keep initiating conversation? So maybe he would like to keep me around as a friend? In that case, the change has been quite swift, because initially he was very touchy.. and the kiss which I feel like I blackmailed out of him - I wish he would have just said something then, if he didn't mean it. Like using the ex thing would be a perfect excuse to come out of this as a gentleman, if he's just not that into me. I could have written this word for word in my early twenties. I know your reasoning sounds very logical to you (and us too), but all that logic is for naught with someone who doesn't care enough to express himself directly. There are millions of reasons why someone coming on strong would suddenly lose interest; the "Dating" board is full of stories of people on both sides. You will likely never know the reason but it ultimately doesn't matter. Life is too short for someone who doesn't adore you. Stay the course. If he's interested, he'll initiate.
Author Empyrea Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 I could have written this word for word in my early twenties. I know your reasoning sounds very logical to you (and us too), but all that logic is for naught with someone who doesn't care enough to express himself directly. There are millions of reasons why someone coming on strong would suddenly lose interest; the "Dating" board is full of stories of people on both sides. You will likely never know the reason but it ultimately doesn't matter. Life is too short for someone who doesn't adore you. Stay the course. If he's interested, he'll initiate. Thank you. I needed to hear that.
xcupid Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Doesn't sound like you're being friend zoned at all. There's interest on his part and on your part. There's chemistry. It's just moving a little slowly for you. You've only been out on 4 dates so far. He's got to get to know you, just as you have to get to know him. Encourage him without making it too obvious. Flirt. Hint. Whatever you have to do (well, within reason). Sounds like he's either inexperienced, unsure, or just a decent guy. Hang in there with him and see where it leads. Good luck.
Author Empyrea Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 I feel really sick over this.. I really sense he's moved on and clearly there's no initiative if there's none on my part. But I have the hardest time moving on! I do this all the time. I get attached too quickly and I almost get obsessed with wanting things to move forward on my terms. There might not even be any real feelings there on my part, because sometimes if I get a guy through perserverence, then I might lost interest when it feels like they are getting too attached or something like that. But how do I move on from this phase of absolute desperation - what's wrong with me? why did he LOSE interest after initially showing so much? what did I do wrong? (the obsessiveness is completely hidden from him, so it's not that. I'm easy breeze charming and funny around him - what's not to like? )
lana-banana Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 First of all, relax. It's been one day. I usually don't reach the daily contact point with someone I'm dating for at least two months! Before you start spiraling into despair and self-loathing you should be sure that he's actually lost interest. Assuming that he has and you're on your way into your vortex of angst (vortangst?), let me offer a suggestion for the future. The next time you meet a guy who piques your fancy, don't put in any more effort than you receive. Be clear about your interest but don't obsess over it. If he texts once or twice a day you should do the same. If he is full speed ahead then you can match him if you like. Just don't waste all your time and effort on someone who doesn't appear equally invested. It's never a good idea to build up such high hopes so early on---the first three months of dating are fraught with peril. People gain interest, lose interest, flip-flop and backtrack on a dime. Your best bet is to be optimistic but guarded and keep your expectations in check. Once a man has shown you he's loyal, committed, and generally trustworthy, then you can start getting really excited.
Author Empyrea Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) First of all, relax. It's been one day. I usually don't reach the daily contact point with someone I'm dating for at least two months! Before you start spiraling into despair and self-loathing you should be sure that he's actually lost interest. Assuming that he has and you're on your way into your vortex of angst (vortangst?), let me offer a suggestion for the future. The next time you meet a guy who piques your fancy, don't put in any more effort than you receive. Be clear about your interest but don't obsess over it. If he texts once or twice a day you should do the same. If he is full speed ahead then you can match him if you like. Just don't waste all your time and effort on someone who doesn't appear equally invested. It's never a good idea to build up such high hopes so early on---the first three months of dating are fraught with peril. People gain interest, lose interest, flip-flop and backtrack on a dime. Your best bet is to be optimistic but guarded and keep your expectations in check. Once a man has shown you he's loyal, committed, and generally trustworthy, then you can start getting really excited. Very wise words again! Yes, I definitely tried to do that at first.. in this case, I was a little bit more pushy, because I know he was hesitant over the ex thing, so I felt like I had to convince him that he's not crossing any lines. And all throughout I was trying to keep it very casual (I don't even want a relationship actually), and going with the flow - UNTIL that point where I felt like he suddenly wasn't meeting my expections. Romantic settings, date number three, four... still hasn't kissed me despite ample opportunity - that's when I switch to vortangst! Why? What have I done wrong? How can I convince him otherwise? Mind you, the question of - do I actually like him? is only in the back of my mind. (PS I think I do, but at this point, I wouldn't trust myself with that). So now it's like a chase for me. I need to win him over. And I'll figure out what I want to do with him when I have. Stupid stupid! And it's not just the one day, we've actually been in contact practically every day. But we haven't seen each other for about two weeks (so far we've met every week) - and he hasn't even hinted or asked me what my plans are. Edited July 8, 2015 by Empyrea
lana-banana Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Hey now, I said relax. You are all over the place here. Envision me at your side with a fluffy blanket an dark chocolate. (If you don't have a fluffy blanket and dark chocolate already, you should find some.) I don't fully believe you when you say you don't want a relationship, because otherwise why is this perceived rejection so upsetting? Why else would you be so desperate to interpret his "mixed signals"? Do you think you're being fully honest with yourself? Why or why not? There is no way to know why someone suddenly loses interest, especially in the first few months. There are millions of reasons and they're all valid. Agonizing over your situation won't lead to a revelation, just more heartache. 1
The Octopus Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Wow all these threads about men who take four dates and haven't even kissed yet? I learned fast it's better to go for it and see if she is interested or not (and if not getting a cheek, whatever) than to drag it out for weeks on end pulling pedals off a flower (she loves me, loves me not). Men show their interest by initiating and making a move.
Gary S Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Date another guy.....nothing can take your mind off the old like a new flame can!
Author Empyrea Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Yeah.. waiting too long to make a move will definitely make the woman question if the guy is even interested. The thing is, usually it really does mean he's not. Also, what happens is the initial tension just fades into a more friendly vibe, whether or not that was the intention. Anyway, I've thrown in the towel, fluffy blanket in tow. Dating suuuucks, never again.
Recommended Posts