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Here is my full story: 9 years, can't find anyone who was in a similar situation

grokcahsevol

By grokcahsevol
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grokcahsevol Established Member

grokcahsevol

Posted
Posted

I'll try not to bore anyone. But I can't find any help anywhere with my situation!

 

I met my ex 9 years ago. Before her and I got together (I'm a male) she was with a girl for about 2 years. She was 13 at the time. At this time, she was going through a lot, her parents were getting divorced and she was having terrible fights with her dad. This girl she was with, played a small part of the divorce as well.

 

I met her when she was 15, we talked as friends for about 2 months then met for the first time and we were both madly in love, fireworks were going off on both sides with a garden of butterflies.

 

She also took my virginity away.

 

So after we met, she pretty much ended things as a relationship with that girl but remained somewhat as friends, then eventually lost contact.

 

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, they got in contact. I noticed she was becoming distant, and I asked what was wrong but it seemed like she was afraid to talk.

 

She ended up going to a concert with this girl and a few other girlfriends ( I didn't know she was going with her ex) and I texted her that day and said

 

Me: Hows the concert?

Her: Good

Me: (Joking around) Whos the hot date?

Her: She said the ex girls name

Me: ...Really

Her: lol

 

That was it

 

Pretty much the next day, she told me

 

I need space

I need to figure my self out

I need a break

I don't know what I'm doing with my life

I'm afraid will get divorced, if we ever marry.

I have unfinished business from my past

 

Now to me, this is just all BS just to break up with me more easily.

 

That day, I went NC. 2 days later, she texted to meet and talk and to give me my stuff. We talked about how I'll give her the space and what not, and at the end, we hugged and cried for a minute.

 

About 4 days later (after a few drinks) she texted me saying

 

I need you

I miss you

I don't know what I am doing

 

I met up with her and she hugged, kissed, and made out with me.

 

She explained how they went on a few dates, and on every date they verbally fought, and at one point almost got into a physical fight!

 

Anyway, I knew this was a bad idea, cause she was drinking..

 

I told her to go sleep it off and call me tomorrow.

 

She did, we made plans to go out to eat and then to a movie- Great!

 

everything went well, we held hands and kissed a few times.

 

She then asked me if I wanted to go to the beach the following day, I said sure! so we did and had a great time as well. Later that evening we went to see a band with all of our friends.. on the way their on the train I knew their was something wrong, she looked so lost and confused.

 

We get to the venue and we start drinking, she still is very off. After a few drinks, she asked

 

is that a boy or a girl (it was a gay girl)

 

She then said "I think I'm attracted to girls, and not men.. men scare me and creep me out and I just don't want to be touched"

 

 

This same day, a bit earlier she told me that the girl called and they talked, and my ex asked her

 

Do you want this to happen or not. The girl said Not..

 

After the show, we all went home, I slept at her house in a different room, because I was too drunk to drive home.

 

That morning, she woke up and just sat on her phone.. I got up and asked her lets talk.

 

We talked.. not about much. She told me she doesn't feel it anymore and theirs no spark

 

I told her we can bring that spark back, but you have to stop letting your emotions get the best of you. She said how? I simply just said we have to slow things down and communicate a bit more.

 

I did ask her, is their another guy and she said absolutely not, trust me if I'm going to be with any guy it would be you, we have a lot together.

 

I left it at that

 

I kissed her forehead and said will be back together one day and she said I know

 

As I was leaving, I told her you really have to get a control of her emotions and stop thinking so negative such as getting a divorce.

 

(I didn't tell her this) but it seems like when the girl and her started talking, that's when the whole divorce thing came upon. Maybe bringing back those bad emotions when she was younger.

 

As I entered into my car, she said if you ever need to talk or text me, you know you can.

 

Since then, it's day 5 NC

 

I have been reading non-stop but can't quite find an answer as the scenario I am in seems to be a one and only.

 

I plan on maybe sending her a letter in about a month or maybe a text. She has always loved when I wrote letters to her when we were younger, maybe this will bring some emotions back.

 

I'm sorry if this is a bit everywhere, but I can barley focus and just need help.

Radu Established Member

Radu

Posted
Posted
I'll try not to bore anyone. But I can't find any help anywhere with my situation!

 

I met my ex 9 years ago. Before her and I got together (I'm a male) she was with a girl for about 2 years. She was 13 at the time. At this time, she was going through a lot, her parents were getting divorced and she was having terrible fights with her dad. This girl she was with, played a small part of the divorce as well.

 

I met her when she was 15, we talked as friends for about 2 months then met for the first time and we were both madly in love, fireworks were going off on both sides with a garden of butterflies.

 

She also took my virginity away.

 

So after we met, she pretty much ended things as a relationship with that girl but remained somewhat as friends, then eventually lost contact.

 

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, they got in contact. I noticed she was becoming distant, and I asked what was wrong but it seemed like she was afraid to talk.

 

She ended up going to a concert with this girl and a few other girlfriends ( I didn't know she was going with her ex) and I texted her that day and said

 

Me: Hows the concert?

Her: Good

Me: (Joking around) Whos the hot date?

Her: She said the ex girls name

Me: ...Really

Her: lol

 

That was it

 

Pretty much the next day, she told me

 

I need space

I need to figure my self out

I need a break

I don't know what I'm doing with my life

I'm afraid will get divorced, if we ever marry.

I have unfinished business from my past

 

Now to me, this is just all BS just to break up with me more easily.

It's not bull****.

 

She is trying to have a relationship with her or at least explore the idea of being with a girl.

 

That day, I went NC. 2 days later, she texted to meet and talk and to give me my stuff. We talked about how I'll give her the space and what not, and at the end, we hugged and cried for a minute.

 

About 4 days later (after a few drinks) she texted me saying

 

I need you

I miss you

I don't know what I am doing

 

I met up with her and she hugged, kissed, and made out with me.

You should not have engaged her.

 

I know you can't shut down your feelings, but she is putting you in the emotional tampon 'guy friend' cathegory.

 

She explained how they went on a few dates, and on every date they verbally fought, and at one point almost got into a physical fight!

 

Anyway, I knew this was a bad idea, cause she was drinking..

 

I told her to go sleep it off and call me tomorrow.

 

She did, we made plans to go out to eat and then to a movie- Great!

Why are you hanging out with her as an orbiter, as a 'guy friend'.

She was your gf for 9yrs, you two were supposed to get married and you end up in this position and take it ?

 

Where is your self-respect ?

 

everything went well, we held hands and kissed a few times.

 

She then asked me if I wanted to go to the beach the following day, I said sure! so we did and had a great time as well. Later that evening we went to see a band with all of our friends.. on the way their on the train I knew their was something wrong, she looked so lost and confused.

 

We get to the venue and we start drinking, she still is very off. After a few drinks, she asked

 

is that a boy or a girl (it was a gay girl)

 

She then said "I think I'm attracted to girls, and not men.. men scare me and creep me out and I just don't want to be touched"

Oh, how lovey-dovey.

Maybe some day she will let you be with her if you stay around much longer ... oh, i bet that will be niceeeeee.

 

 

This same day, a bit earlier she told me that the girl called and they talked, and my ex asked her

 

Do you want this to happen or not. The girl said Not..

 

After the show, we all went home, I slept at her house in a different room, because I was too drunk to drive home.

 

That morning, she woke up and just sat on her phone.. I got up and asked her lets talk.

 

We talked.. not about much. She told me she doesn't feel it anymore and theirs no spark

 

I told her we can bring that spark back, but you have to stop letting your emotions get the best of you. She said how? I simply just said we have to slow things down and communicate a bit more.

 

I did ask her, is their another guy and she said absolutely not, trust me if I'm going to be with any guy it would be you, we have a lot together.

 

I left it at that

 

I kissed her forehead and said will be back together one day and she said I know

Nice job ... her respect for you is ... massive.

 

As I was leaving, I told her you really have to get a control of her emotions and stop thinking so negative such as getting a divorce.

 

(I didn't tell her this) but it seems like when the girl and her started talking, that's when the whole divorce thing came upon. Maybe bringing back those bad emotions when she was younger.

 

As I entered into my car, she said if you ever need to talk or text me, you know you can.

 

Since then, it's day 5 NC

 

I have been reading non-stop but can't quite find an answer as the scenario I am in seems to be a one and only.

 

I plan on maybe sending her a letter in about a month or maybe a text. She has always loved when I wrote letters to her when we were younger, maybe this will bring some emotions back.

 

I'm sorry if this is a bit everywhere, but I can barley focus and just need help.

Don't contact her.

It falls into the same thing you have been doing ... which is supplicating.

 

When are you going to get it that she dumped you to be with someone else ?

Their gender is irrelevant ... she saw the chance to be with someone else, and dumped you. You were together for 9yrs ... and she dumped you.

 

And you are still letting her dictate the relationship between you and her.

 

She will return [the other girl is a storm of destructiveness] because you are the 'safe' option.

So she will settle for you if you let her.

I hope that's what you want.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

Many "issues" here...

 

-You're both too young. You don't love her and she doesn't love you. That's why, IMO, teens/tweens shouldn't be having sex, kissing, whatever - cuz this thread shows that they do not have the maturity and brain development to handle the emotions that come with intimacy.

 

I mean, you are hooked on some flake of a chick just cuz she was your first?

 

Ok, let's look at "your first". What was special about it? Nothing. It wasn't like she got on one knee and proposed to you. You both did what mammals do every day - insert penis in vagina - nothing romantic, special, etc.

 

-She's homosexual. Whatever her draw is to women, fact is, she's into women. She probably also has issues in her head that makes her unstable. I mean, this girl who said she wasn't into men called my fav podcaster upset that her BFF (a guy) wasn't spending much time with her anymore cuz he found a gf and not cool to blow off her - a friend. Well, geesh, she's gay, but wants to hold onto this guy as "if" he was her bf...go figure.

 

Leave this chick alone. You two had nothing special - just young people with hormones. And, she obviously has mental issues and is using you as her emotional tampon/o'l faithful, so she can go play with her girlfriend then come back to you as a default.

 

Geesh, I was watching ID's "who the bleep" and this guy married and had a kid with a chick who was moved in a gf, was spending more time with the gf, and both of them tried to kill him like 5 times and finally got caught. He was only there to impregnate her and put a roof over her and the gf's head. They wanted to kill him and collect his military life insurance on him.

 

Run, not walk, away from this chick...

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

She is attracted to girls and seems to prefer them more than boys at the moment. Despite having fights with her ex, she is obviously still emotionally involved with her in some way. It has at the very least stirred up feelings about being attracted to women.

 

You can't change someone's sexuality. I went out with a guy whose ex had left him for a woman on the other side of the world. He had been devastated. It made me realise that if someone is bi or really gay/lesbian, they are likely to be drawn to the people they attracted to at some point and therefore any relationship formed with them would be put at risk.

 

From what she's said, it sounds like she's more attracted to women than men. This is a big revelation for her and of course a shock to you. I don't think there is any point pursuing a romantic relationship with her any more. I'm sorry, because this is an awful situation to find yourself in. Her realisation means she is likely to want to explore that aspect of herself now. Even if she finds she is attracted to men as well, she's probably heading towards women at the moment.

 

You are best giving up on her and finding someone who knows they want to be with you.

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted

It’s pretty typical to want to figure out who you are and what you want. She spent her teens and early 20’s in a 9 year relationship, so she was attached and might have not been thinking in terms of who she is as an individual during a period of great change, from a teen to an adult.

 

Also, in the future maybe think twice about discounting people’s emotions or telling people to control their emotions, especially if you care about that person. Emotions are just as much a part of being human as thoughts are, and equally valid. Actually, sometimes thoughts are less valid or true than feelings are.

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