mimiMobile Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 If so, what was going through your mind? I'm sure a lot of people will read my situation as generic so I'll try to spare the whole "but my circumstance is special!" speech. What had happened was my ex and I split without officially splitting. Lots and lots of misunderstandings that left us in a really crappy emotional state after being together for 3 yrs. He went off into a rebound relationship right away. A month ago, after being apart for 6-7 months, we began talking again, he saw me and said all of his feelings came rushing back. We began talking about what went wrong in the relationship, hashed out all of the details and what not. He told me he wanted to get back together, that he never stopped loving me and that I was the love of his life - but he was still afraid that we would go back to our old ways. Without going into too much detail, we spoke and agreed we'd get back together. There was A LOT of therapy work from my side and soul searching on his and we arrived at this conclusion. Great. You would think this has a happy ending.. but not really. He is still with the rebound person and has called her a really good friend. He tells me she's really done nothing wrong and she's a good girl but he's in love with me and is leaving her to get back together with me and doesn't know how to approach the situation. After a few weeks of meeting up with him (no sex) and talking seriously about our plans going forward, I got really tired of him unable to pull the trigger on the rebound. So when he called, I asked him to not call or text unless he was 100% serious about getting back together and was in a place to do so - without any other women involved. He swore up and down he will do this. I told him in the mean time, I need to go back to healing and start moving on because it has been too long and I don't for the life of me understand why it would take someone this long to break up with someone. He keeps emphasizing that sometimes timing plays a big role in it - e.g. her friend is really sick and is relying on him,e tc. but maybe I'm being really bitchy when I say - who cares? She is not going to be a part of your life anymore and it's also unfair to her with you leading her on. I don't know, it just seems really weird. Anyone break up with a rebound before not because they weren't great but because you simply had greater feelings for your ex? What was the process like for you?
casey.lives Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 just go to his house and let her catch you sleeping together. that will surely get the job done. P.s it's worked for my ex and his ex.
Bradt Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Sounds like he want his bread buttered on both sides.I think you did the right thing to say he shouldn't contact you unless he is 100% sure. And no you aren't being bitchy.Why should he care so much for her if he want to get back with you. It might be that he know your worth now and is scared to see you with somwone else.So the best thing for him to do is keep you on a "leach".
RileyPayne Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Yeah, me. I broke up with my girlfriend, went into a rebound relationship and after 3 months realised how poor she was in comparison to my ex-girlfriend. I tried returning to my ex-girlfriend and got two fingers put up to me, now she is seeing some other guy and I'm left wanting. 1
mightycpa Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Nope. Too many fish in the sea, something that I think you should keep in mind when you're deciding whether to move backwards or forward. 1
dumbass2 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 He should have dropped her without hesitation if he really wants you. 1
Author mimiMobile Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 He should have dropped her without hesitation if he really wants you. I agree but I also think people go through evaluation of whether it could work second time around before abandoning an OK relationship. We didn't have any serious discussions prior to June about getting back together and we really addressed a lot of the issues we had in our failed relationship. Now that that's been cleared.. I feel he now needs to maek the break. I would have understood if he didn't (though this is less honorable) because he was not sure if I was on the same page as him in terms of getting back together.
mightycpa Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I agree but I also think people go through evaluation of whether it could work second time around before abandoning an OK relationship. No they don't. OK relationships are a dime a dozen, nothing special. You could go out and start one today, maybe even two or three. People who really want to be with other people will dump wives, fiances, people they once loved, in a heartbeat. How much quicker would they get rid of someone who is just ok? Your ex is not convinced it can be you. That's ok, just see it for what it is. 1
dumbass2 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I agree but I also think people go through evaluation of whether it could work second time around before abandoning an OK relationship. We didn't have any serious discussions prior to June about getting back together and we really addressed a lot of the issues we had in our failed relationship. Now that that's been cleared.. I feel he now needs to maek the break. I would have understood if he didn't (though this is less honorable) because he was not sure if I was on the same page as him in terms of getting back together. "we spoke and agreed we'd get back together." You've been back in touch for over a month now about this. He has had time. If you really feel strongly about someone, then you go ahead and take that chance and you do it with no one else in the picture or you wont be giving it a fair shot. The problem I see now is that because he is hesitant and he is with someone else, that this is not a good time to try and reconcile. Do you feel you want to fight for him and show him you are more worthy then her? Don't you think that you will worry now if you try again with him, that when things get the slightest bit difficult that he will go back to the other woman? Do you not think that he will want you to put most of the work in because he knows he has an option B? You also said he went into this other relationship right away, so he's been with her for 6-7 months now. Is it possible he started seeing her before the break up? This may not be just a rebound relationship. You would like to think so, but there may be more to it. People lie. People don't always share their true feelings. It happens. This relationship may be more to him then he is leading on. His actions are telling you everything you need to know.
LifeandPerseverance Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I haven't dumped someone to get back together with an ex, but I have been dumped so the guy could get back with his ex. The fact is, whether you're the love of his life or whatever..you're helping the guy cheat. For gosh sakes, if he's so not over you he needs to contemplate relationship round 2 with you, he shouldn't BE WITH that poor girl. I hope you both get what's coming to you, and she finds out sooner than later so she can break up with him and go be with someone who is genuinely into her and not scheming behind her back and lying to her face.
Happines Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 If he really cared for you he would of broken up with that girl ages ago Now have some dignity and never speak to him again because you sort of helping him to cheat on the other girl and it's pretty much unfair because being honest she will b the only one hurt in this situation And I don't really get it why do u need him anyways if he is already with someone else be it rebound or not
kismetkismet Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 People are being a bit harsh in my opinion... love and human relationships are complicated. And caring about the feelings of one person that you once loved doesn't mean that you can't be in love with another person.. However, if he's being honest with you, he's still being a bit of a coward. He isn't helping that girl at all by stringing her along while he plots his new life. If she were to find out then she would be far more devastated. He should let her down easy, explain that it's not her fault and he's sorry et. There is a chance that he's lying or stretching the truth however. He could actually be unsure who he wants to be with and be stringing both of you along while he makes that decision. If that's the case then you'll figure it out soon enough.. You've done the right thing by telling him to make a choice and otherwise not to contact you. he can't just have his cake and eat it too if he isn't sure. and if he IS sure, then it's more fair to the girl to let things play out without mucking around behind her back so much.
Author mimiMobile Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 People are being a bit harsh in my opinion... love and human relationships are complicated. And caring about the feelings of one person that you once loved doesn't mean that you can't be in love with another person.. However, if he's being honest with you, he's still being a bit of a coward. He isn't helping that girl at all by stringing her along while he plots his new life. If she were to find out then she would be far more devastated. He should let her down easy, explain that it's not her fault and he's sorry et. There is a chance that he's lying or stretching the truth however. He could actually be unsure who he wants to be with and be stringing both of you along while he makes that decision. If that's the case then you'll figure it out soon enough.. You've done the right thing by telling him to make a choice and otherwise not to contact you. he can't just have his cake and eat it too if he isn't sure. and if he IS sure, then it's more fair to the girl to let things play out without mucking around behind her back so much. Thank you - your response rang the most true to my thoughts. Though I hear what other people are saying, I do agree that human relations and feelings are complicated. God knows I went through a rollercoaster this year. Also I do not condone cheating, which is why I've drawn very clear boundaries with how we talk about our relationship. I didn't know about the rebound girl until 2 months ago. I digress. In conversation, I have asked him if he thought he was in love with 2 women. He said no. I asked him if he was in love with anyone. He told me in 35 years of his life, when he looked back at his past relationships (and he's had a ton), he can recall true love twice. I was one of them. I get it. Talk is cheap. But I also would like to think someone I've known to never sugar coat things in the last 4 years of my life would still be true to his character, considering he's been very upfront with me about how he feels about his new girlfriend (always referred to as the girl he is seeing). The bottom line of my post and the main point I am trying to get to is the process people go through when they break up with someone. That's all. I know my situation is best left at what it is, I don't feel like diving too deep into it because at the end of the day, he and I are the only ones that know each other and the details. There a lot of screwed up things and what not and I know I am doing the right thing by letting him go until he is "ready", but I was just curious about the break up process. I've never really broken up with anyone, at least it's always naturally dissolved in one form or another. Also to echo some readers and responders - yes, he is very cowardly in the way he handled not only filling the void of me moving out by finding the next warm body but also to from what I see putting distance between him and the girl and letting her break up with him instead of him doing the deed. It's lame. I don't understand it, but obviously he feels guilty about it. Thanks for reading. 1
Author mimiMobile Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Update: My ex showed up at my house unannounced yesterday after giving me a ring the day before asking me if my life was better without him in it. When he walked into my apartment (I was playing loud metal music so didn't hear him knock) I was dumbfounded, confused, kind of pissed because I wasn't given a chance to get dolled up and was randomly cleaning my stove in my casual clothes. First question was - Are you single? He said yes. And we spent a few hours listening to metal and knocking back a few beers and talking. He was really distraught, felt awful about the whole thing and we kept it casual. He ended up leaving and we didn't do much other than I cried in the end because I still couldn't believe he rebounded so quickly when I hadn't given up. He called today again asking if it's worth for him to be back in my life seeing as how I was doing so well. I emphasized to him the fact that my happiness has finally found its place in my life where it is independent from anyone - not a boyfriend, not a date, not a friend - I'm able to cultivate it on my own and that is 100% credit to me. I told him if he wants my honest advice -- take time out for yourself and heal. As much as I'd love to have him back in my life, I want him here not because he is in pain and is lonely, but because he genuinely feels we are a good fit. Until then, I'd like to be on a platonic level and offer my friendship. I think it's the healthiest way.. He's not ready to be in a relationship, I don't want him broken and this isn't to be mean, I'd love to help repair his heart but it's more important he does the healing on his own, gains his own strength, so he can make the best decision for him - and if that ends up being me, I'd be ecstatic. If I take hiim as he is now, I'll always wonder if he chose me because I was the safest bet. What are your thoughts? P.S. to anyone that cares, I've stayed strict NC for a total of 9 days before he broke it. This was after I told him to not contact me under any circumstances until he was single. I used to break before and text, but not this time around and that really put things into high gear and made him speed up the breakup with rebound. Edited July 17, 2015 by mimiMobile
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 My ex showed up at my house unannounced yesterday after giving me a ring the day before asking me if my life was better without him in it. What was the answer to that question? If he didn't love this chick, what does he have to heal from? He's 35 for cryin' out loud. It's not hard to break up with someone at the age of 35 if you don't love her. What's this guy doing? Supposedly he's in love with you, but he has to heal from breaking up with her? WTF is that all about? Then he comes to see you and you keep it casual? Didn't he break up with her for the express purpose of being with you? Why wasn't he knocking the bottom out of it 5 minutes after he walked through the door? Do you want him or not? Does he want you or not? What was the ring for? Did I miss something? Because your story sounds like a bad high school drama in progress.
Author mimiMobile Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 What was the answer to that question? If he didn't love this chick, what does he have to heal from? He's 35 for cryin' out loud. It's not hard to break up with someone at the age of 35 if you don't love her. What's this guy doing? Supposedly he's in love with you, but he has to heal from breaking up with her? WTF is that all about? Then he comes to see you and you keep it casual? Didn't he break up with her for the express purpose of being with you? Why wasn't he knocking the bottom out of it 5 minutes after he walked through the door? Do you want him or not? Does he want you or not? What was the ring for? Did I miss something? Because your story sounds like a bad high school drama in progress. Just a guess but if you make someone cry when they've done nothing bad but be supportive for you, it's bound to make you feel like ****. As for my answer, I said my life is good. Do I want him part of my life? I do.
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Just a guess but if you make someone cry when they've done nothing bad but be supportive for you, it's bound to make you feel like ****. As for my answer, I said my life is good. Do I want him part of my life? I do. M2, sure, you feel like ****. But heal? C'mon. As to your answer, OBJECTION! UNRESPONSIVE TO THE QUESTION. The question was "is your life BETTER without him in it". That kind of question, while pretty whiny, demands a clear answer, especially if the answer is NO. You don't have to tell me, but you know, I'd suggest you call or visit and tell him, because your answer smacks of evasiveness. He should know one way or the other, if that question is on his mind.
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