zmz723 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Ex and I have been living together for the past 4 years, and engaged for the last year. We had just moved to a new city right as we got engaged, which means new job, new friends, new lifestyle. She found a great job with great people who she has grown close with a couple of them. I have had trouble fitting in with the new job and people, resulting in few notable friendships, which is the opposite of the last place we lived where I had a great social life at work and home. This and the combination of a very stressful new job requiring lots of travel has resulted in a slow fall into depression, which I did not realize until it was very bad. I admit that I offered very little emotional support to her, but received little in return either. It got bad between the two of us to where we were barely talking at one point. I finally recognized this and decided to see a therapist, who had many helpful ideas. One of the things that I realized is that we never communicated at all as things were deteriorated, so I made it a point to sit down with Laura and told her how I felt about the past year and how I felt about her. It was a great talk, however she started to not wear her ring and said she needed to test it out, which upset me, but I let her do what she needed to do. The following two weeks were some of the best we have ever had and it appeared that we were back to normal and how we were when we fell in love. This made me realize how much I loved her and wanted to be with her the rest of her life. After two weeks she sat me down and had another talk, in which she broke things off with me, saying that she needs to see what it’s like when we are apart and started staying in a hotel. I am completely devastated as I was coming out the depression hole, and feeling great about our relationship. It was just a day or two before we were making plans for the rest of the summer, and buying groupons for things to do around the city. I can't even tell you how devastated I am. The biggest things about this situation are: · The past year we never communicated our feelings or how we felt about the state of the relationship. The two times we sat down the past month have been very productive discussions and I think this will continue in the future so this type of situation can be avoided. o One of these co-workers is a guy who Laura is very good friends with (she is actually his boss). I recently discovered emails where she even says "I love you" (she had stayed logged in on one of my PCs and I couldn't help but notice emails between them) and it appears she has replaced me with him In the past 2 weeks I have been in the ER with anxiety attacks (received a week's worth of Xanax), seen a psychiatrist where I received a script for Prozac, and the therapist. We have been NC for a little over one week, and I am still desperate to get her back. I know once my mind is straightened out, I will go back to the guy she fell in love with, I just don't know how to tell her this. Should I continue NC? I feel that every day I don't talk to her she just moves closer to that other guy and forgets about me.
Satu Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 She's moved her affection to somebody else. That means that it really is completely over. Nothing you can do will make her reverse that. The best thing for you would be to go no contact indefinitely. It is *possible* that she will miss you, and change her mind, but it's unlikely. I wish I could say something more comforting... *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. 1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce. 2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps. 3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right. 4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person. 5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again. 6. Take care of your body: Eat enough and eat healthily. Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres a day for a male. Get a bit more rest than you think you need. Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous. If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor. 7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn. 8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. 9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do. 10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate. 11. Post here as often as you want to. Take care. 1
Author zmz723 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 The hardest thing is that we were best friends in college before dating and have a ton of mutual friends together. So total avoidance will not be possible.
rmuscle Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 So sorry dude. I know it hurts like nothing on this earth But I wouldn't assume she will come back. Period! This is another classic case of "the grass is greener on the other side" She left u out of her own selfish thinking to be with someone who she think can offer her more. My hear bleed for u bro. But say if this new bs fling dies out. Why would u comfort her. She will do it again to u. You Can count on it! The hardest part in a relationship is moving on for goooooood! I wouldn't even want her back. These are just your history emotions with her wanting her back. She had been establishing a relationship behind your back and told u when u thought things was good. Smh! 2
Satu Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 The hardest thing is that we were best friends in college before dating and have a ton of mutual friends together. So total avoidance will not be possible. Being as this has hit you so hard, I think you need to make it possible.
dangerbang Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Sorry man, killer situation you're in. I'm afraid the only way to go here is no contact, even if she decided to come back, how could you ever respect her again after jumping right onto the next guy and telling him she loves him etc? I'd assume the worst there too, they're probably having swinging from chandeliers sex and she's probably in the thick of a honeymoon phase. It's unlikely it'll last but you don't want to be going back to her when she gets bored. Tomorrow it's 3 months from the day that my ex-fiance left, and I can tell you that it gets a lot better. In fact I bumped into mine on Saturday night, and I was totally calm and cool with it. She ended up being nasty towards me, she's that way inclined, but I kept my dignity and was nothing but smiles and friendliness. I took advice of people here, but it's not my first time through a breakup so I knew how to deal with it better. Read Satu's post above. I would add to that that you try meditating, it's really helped me. Try and remain positive. With the right attitude you'll come out of this the better man and you'll be truly happy again. Good luck. 2
Author zmz723 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 All I want is a 2nd chance now that I am seeing a therapist and psychologist to treat my depression/anxiety. I know I will turn back into the guy that she fell in love with. How do I go about that, or is it pointless?
mightycpa Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 If a girl sends another man and email that states I love you using her fiance's computer, and then doesn't bother to turn it off and hide it, then she's moved already moved about as far away from you and as close to him as she ever will. The only thing left for her to do is to get engaged, and do the same thing to your replacement. Listen, you don't know whether he's a passing fad or if they've found the real thing, but women don't throw away engagements without thinking about it carefully. You know that much. The logical conclusion is that you're done. The false hope in your heart tells you there's a good chance that she'll go back to being the way she was. Your head should tell you that's not true. The songs are wrong. Don't listen to your heart. It lies to you. Food for thought - First off, you were travelling. I've done that too, and the physical separation can cause emotional separation; if you're not careful, it can split you up. It doesn't sound like you were careful. Second, that trouble you were having may not have been the cause of her looking elsewhere, but rather, the result of looking elsewhere. Third, she didn't want to talk about the state of the relatinship... well, no ****. That difficult time cut down on the lovey-dovey part of your relationship, and the sex too, I'm guessing... which is exactly what a girl who has a new boyfriend wants - less love and sex with the old, more with the new. It deteriorated into you guys barely talking, giving her nothing but motive and opportunity to spark it up with new guy. I'm sure he looked like a breath of fresh air compared to you. By the time you woke up and smelled the coffee, she was gone mentally. Can you imagine? Honey, I want to make things better between us. I love you and need you and I don't like us like this. I'm going to make the effort to make us better. Yeah, ok, but you're on probation. Consider it a test. During the test, I'm not going to wear my engagement ring. Doesn't sound like a love story, does it? It actually gets worse. La-dee-dah! Glad I addressed our problems! Things are great! The best they've been in years! Listen, we have to talk... That alone should demonstrate to you that you're not thinking straight or seeing things as they are. You are in some serious denial, my friend. To wrap this up, should you stay NC? Absolutely. I want you to think about how you would advise a friend to break an engagement. Would you tell him to cheat with a co-worker while he figures it out? Would you tell him to string his fiance along because he doesn't know how to tell her? This chick Laura wasn't looking out for you. She was taking care of Laura and ****ing you (metaphorically, of course). You don't owe her anything. I don't know what your living situation is, but if it's been a year, I suspect maybe your lease is up. If you can, you might want to move back to the old city, where you have friends and support. She's not going to be there for you for very long, if at all. You might change, but she won't, at least, not the way you want her to. Sorry OP. Good luck. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 The hardest thing is that we were best friends in college before dating and have a ton of mutual friends together. So total avoidance will not be possible. If you are in this new city with all these new people I don't understand how you won't be able to avoid her. All your mutual friends are in college & other places, not where you are now. As awful as this is, better now then a divorce. You can't get her back if she is saying ILY to another man. Don't even try. 1
Author zmz723 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 I should clarify that the "i love you" was sent after the breakup, but I recently found out she was still logged into her gmail on IE. Not that it changes anything. And we have 4 weddings with mutual friends late this summer and next summer
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 And we have 4 weddings with mutual friends late this summer and next summer Consider skipping the 1st one. Send a gift & stay home if it will hurt too much to see her. 1
Author zmz723 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 It's just so mind boggling to me. We were making wedding plans up until the day she "needed a break". Then the night she left she said "I miss you already and that says something. But I just need to try this". The day before she left we were making plans to take a vacation later in the summer. WTF??
Chi townD Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Dude, Lets face facts. She left you for someone else. She told someone else that she loved him, not you. What did she give you? A swift kick to the curb. She put more of a value on this other dude. More of a value over you and over a marriage to you. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve a girl that would treat you like this. You need to open your eyes and find your pride again. You did nothing wrong! I mean, here you are saying that you've had problems but you've sat down on a couple of occasions and worked them out. But, let me ask you this. Dollars to donuts she caused the problems. She's the one that started the arguments, she's the one that started the fights. It's not anything you did. It was because she was feeling guilty about cheating on you. It's was also a way to justify her feelings for this other dude. "I wouldn't be with this other guy if he wasn't such a jackass." She gave herself permission to cheat on you by sabotaging her own engagement. Sorry to be so blunt, but I need you to see that this wasn't your fault. Your Ex is selfish and a cheater. You didn't ask for that and you didn't deserve it. Mourn the loss of the relationship. Then, you need to go NC and start making positive changes in your life. I would also agree to skip those weddings for several reasons. 1. Those will remind you of what you lost. You be sitting there thinking that it should be me up there. 2. You are not strong enough to handle seeing her right now. And what will you do if she brings this guy with her to one of these weddings as her plus one. Will you be cool sitting there watching her dance with another man? I know I wouldn't be strong enough. So, don't put yourself through the torture. NC dude! STRICT NC!! Right now, she won't bother calling or texting you because she busy getting with this new guy. But once the newness wears off, she might reach out to you for the ONLY purpose to see if you hate her. DON'T RESPOND! She'll be looking for you to ease her guilt. Don't give her the satisfaction. When you don't respond, you give her nothing! She has no idea where your head is at. She doesn't know if you hate her or if you don't care. She doesn't know if you're happy or hurting. She knows nothing! So, don't respond to ANYTHING! Let her hold onto that guilt. Let her learn that you can treat people the way she treated you and expect people to be okay with it. If those weddings are coming up, go with your original plan and go on vacation! Go see something new and exciting! 2
True Gent Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 As someone how has been there Buddy I can tell you this. The single best thing you can do is realise that your ex Fiancee is dead. The person you loved just isn't there anymore. She is a different person with a different mindset now. Women who can treat long term parnters like this and move onto the next the way they do are not worth ****. I'm not sure how much they are actually capable of truly loving someone when they can do this. My ex Fiancee did a very similar thing to me at the end of 9 years together. It's devastating, BUT you can get beyond it. Allow yourself time to grieve, but under no circumstances give up on yourself or your life. It's all about YOU now. 1
cipd11 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 All I want is a 2nd chance now that I am seeing a therapist and psychologist to treat my depression/anxiety. I know I will turn back into the guy that she fell in love with. How do I go about that, or is it pointless? Do it for yourself, not for her. Eventually she will realise what she lost but by then it'll be too late. You'll have moved on and found someone else who won't treat you like this! I know its hard! Its one week since my partner ended things with me and I'm struggling to get out of bed in the morning. What has helped me is the advice from people on here. You can do it and you'll come out the other side stronger than ever.
wizer Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Be glad that she didn't pull this in 10 years when you've got a mortgage and a couple of kids. 1
lost6 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) I want to extend my deepest heartfelt hug to you right now. I just wanted to give you some perspective from an outside party that not too long ago was in a similar situation. My fiancé suddenly broke off the wedding 2 weeks before we were about to say our vows, said she saw no future with me and blamed me for her falling out of love. We were, similar to you, together for 5.5 years and 1.5 years engaged so you were me about 6 months ago. It's devastating I know. A lot of the feelings you're going through are going to beoverwhelming and there are going to be a lot of days where you doubt yourself and cycle through self-depricating thoughts like "had I been a better person that it would have all worked out". I understand you, I really do. When you love someone you're willing to look past most anything they do to rekindle that spark, that amazing feeling when they look into your eyes and tell you they love you. But at the same time what i've learned is that to really love someone else you need to extend that same courtesy to yourself, have self respect and learn where to draw the line. I don't know the full story, but from what it sounds like you did so much more to try to save the relationship than she did. I'm not absolving you of blame, you probably had some things that turned her away, but at the same time she probably had a lot of flaws that you chose to accept as part of her cos that's just what a relationship is. The moment you got down on one knee and proposed to her (I hope you did ) you made a silent promise that you'd stand by her and protect her and when she said yes she made a promise to you to see out the toughest of challenges with you by her side. When you get up on the altar you the vows usually go along the lines of vowing to honour and cherish your beloved though "thick and thin, for better or worse". It's why marriages last, not because both people are perfect and don't have moments of neglect and misunderstanding. It's because both parties see that their relationship means so much more than the issues at hand and do what it takes to make it work. If you honestly believe it's the depression that caused the fallout then you also have to know she wasn't willing to stick with you through your worst moments. If she's not willing to love you through that while being engaged then she certainly doesn't deserve you at your best my friend. Is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with? If it wasn't the depression then all I can say is that you did your best given the knowledge of had and as the person you are so stop beating yourself up over"what if's". Now you have to ask. How much do you respect yourself? You seem like a nice loyal guy but a bit of a doormat (bit like me really) but at one point you have to draw a line. Despite you having a deep commitment to marry each other she made the decision that's not what she wanted anymore and went back on the promise she gave you one year ago to be by your side for life. It sucks and you don't deserve this situation but you play the hand you're dealt. Now it's apparent to most people responding that you shouldn't go crawling back to her but only you can decide if you're going to keep pining after her. That decision is up to you, just know that whatever happens you'll be ok. Chin up buddy, the pain will fade slowly but only if you let it. Edited July 8, 2015 by lost6 1
Author zmz723 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 ^amazing post. thank you and thank you all
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 It's just so mind boggling to me. We were making wedding plans up until the day she "needed a break". Then the night she left she said "I miss you already and that says something. But I just need to try this". The day before she left we were making plans to take a vacation later in the summer. WTF?? I'm sorry, OP. I suspect there's a lot more that's transpired between these two than you know, and it sounds like she's test-driving a relationship with him and had been planning to do so for a good while before she broke it off with you. I think the wedding/future-planning was maybe a way for her to try to distract herself or convince herself that she still wanted it, but ultimately she realized she didn't. That or this guy became more of a sure thing so she changed direction. While it seemed like an overnight change of heart to you, I guarantee for her it wasn't. She knew what she was going to do (hence removing her ring) and couldn't lie to herself or to you anymore. Continue NC. Send your best regards to the first couple getting married in your friend group and skip that wedding. Seeing her there will be extremely painful for you. My sympathies to you; I know how much this hurts. 1
dangerbang Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 You know, I'd skip all the weddings if I were you. Your friends will understand. Any time I've had to miss a wedding in the past, the party are always understanding, and don't really care. Think about this option. 1
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