JustAGuy11 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Well I've been with my gf for over a year now and things have been great. We have a good thing going, but there is one thing that we don't seem to be on the same path with. I want children some day and she is less than enthusiastic. I have brought up the topic a few times throughout our relationship and she has always been evasive. We are both 31 and I am debating whether to ask her to live with me which would hopefully lead to marriage. I feel like our relationship is on cruise control now and not moving forward because i don't want to ask her to move in with an issue this divisive hanging over our head. I think that some of the difference in perspective stems from the fact that I came from a caring and loving family and she came from a unstable childhood with divorced parents and she had to grow up fast. She has a lot of love to give, but is more interested in showing that affection to pets than towards children.. About a week ago i really tried to pin her down on her position on having kids. She immediately turned away and muttered ‘oh God”, which pretty much gave me an indication of how the conversation was going to go. I am not asking her to commit to having 6 kids but i would like to try to have at least one someday. She says that she will have to see how she feels when the time comes. I really don’t want to hang my hat on a “we’ll see”. I think that maybe she just doesn’t have a maternal instinct, so i don’t want to pressure her into doing anything that she is not totally excited about doing. Any advice on what my options are or how I should approach things?
DacaInaru Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Ok.. i'm going to give you a little history as to what happened to me... I married this man, he happened to be my second husband.. I have a child from my first marriage and was physically put through hell to have her.. both emoitonally from an abusive husband and physically from the pregnancy itself... as a result I have no desire what so ever to have anymore children. Besides I want to give my daughter the best that I can and having another child would impede on my future plans. So.. I met this guy.. and we talk.. we date.. and things get serious.. and being that he was a muslim man. I wanted to be very specific before we married that 1. I would not convert and 2. I would not have any children with him.. I stressed these two issues with him over and over.. his comment to me was "it doesn't matter I feel like a father to your daughter" so we planned our wedding.. got married.. and proceeded with life.. 6 months into the marriage.. he decided that he wanted children.. not only that but he also decided that when I had spoken to him about not wanting children.. I was just being an emotional woman and would eventually change my mind..He even went so far as to tell me that I was taking away his rights to be a father.. 3 months after that we were seperated and I filed for divorce... I can only stress to you.. do not marry this woman with the expectation that she will in the future change her mind.. Sit down with her.. discuss the issue and take her words for face value in other words don't try to convince yourself she will later change, or be different.. I'm only telling you this becuase in my situtation my ex actually believed that I would change.. he even went to far as to tell the judge that he thought I would change and even offered to come back home even though I intitiated the divorce if I would give him just 1 child.. Later he told some friends of ours that we were going through a rought patch and I would eventually come to my senses and have his child.. this was 2 years ago.. he is still waiting for me to come to my senses.. meanwhile ive moved ahead with my life while he sits stagnant hoping that I will evenutally call and tell him I want a kid.. not gonna happen.. so.. please please.. if you really want children.. then find someone who wants that also... to put it point blank do not waste your time on someone who doesn't share the same future outlook.. good luck.
morrigan Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by DacaInaru I can only stress to you.. do not marry this woman with the expectation that she will in the future change her mind.. Sit down with her.. discuss the issue and take her words for face value in other words don't try to convince yourself she will later change, or be different.. so.. please please.. if you really want children.. then find someone who wants that also... to put it point blank do not waste your time on someone who doesn't share the same future outlook.. What DacaInaru said is the best advice (imo) that can be given in this situation. JustAGuy11, you need to make tough decisions about your future with your girlfriend. You want a marriage with children; this is clearly something she does not want for herself. I doubt, at 31, that she is ever going to change her decision of her own free will, and it's disaster ahead for both of you if either one of you attempts appeasement by getting married and pretending to go along with what the other person wants. What's more important to you, a relationship with your girlfriend or a relationship with a woman who would want to have children with you? Because with your girlfriend, you can't have both.
JustAGuy11 Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Thanks for the responses. Everyone helps. DacaInaru, wow, what a story. That is a very tough thing you went through. I definitely don't want to put on the blinders and pretend that everything will work out the way i want it. At the same time i'm not the type of guy that likes to give ultimatums (because that's kindof what it boils down to). But i agree with you that i have to talk with her and take her words at face value and respect her decision. It's better to "fight" about it now than after the marriage. Thanks for the advice, and if there is anyone out there with something to add, i'm still listening.
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