e4u Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 So, I'll save you the hassle of the backstory unless you believe the details/background info are important...anyhoo... She wants to break up (and has), and I've seen it coming, of course but could do little to correct the course. As we're going through the breakup conversation, I began to discuss the fact that the only way we can still be together is if we did XYZ in order to make sure our mistakes didn't repeat (we both made them). Her response to that: "It's something too early to discuss" I asked for a second chance, in so many words, and she said: "I can't right now" She said she wants to be just friends, says she cares for me, and is actually friends with ALL of her exes (this is true, by the way). I told her I don't want to be just friends and have no plans on being just a friend (it didn't work for any of her exes, if they ever wanted back with her using that strategy, that's for sure). So...verdict? Is there a chance given her phrasing or is she just trying to brush me off as painlessly as possible?
Palmeiras Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 It's over, man. There's no gray area here. If you don't want to remain friends, then don't. Just make sure you take the high road and walk away gracefully. If she tries to text or otherwise message you thereafter, do not respond (if you do, be polite but terse). 1
loveiswar101 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Walk away buddy, forget the friends thing (especially if have strong feelings for her still), never works. My ex is friends with her ex's, it's was creepy man when one came round. At the moment she just be polite, down track who knows, really depends on your history together i believe. Give her space, go no contact, let her miss you ! Don't be a puppy (been there) and let her come to you if she wants, in meantime look after you, move on as if it over. Don't wait ! Start a new chapter ! 1
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 So, I'll save you the hassle of the backstory unless you believe the details/background info are important...anyhoo... She wants to break up (and has), and I've seen it coming, of course but could do little to correct the course. As we're going through the breakup conversation, I began to discuss the fact that the only way we can still be together is if we did XYZ in order to make sure our mistakes didn't repeat (we both made them). Her response to that: "It's something too early to discuss" I asked for a second chance, in so many words, and she said: "I can't right now" She said she wants to be just friends, says she cares for me, and is actually friends with ALL of her exes (this is true, by the way). I told her I don't want to be just friends and have no plans on being just a friend (it didn't work for any of her exes, if they ever wanted back with her using that strategy, that's for sure). So...verdict? Is there a chance given her phrasing or is she just trying to brush me off as painlessly as possible? There is no way to do it painlessly. But you can minimize it by simply letting go and getting out of her head and into yours. Stop looking for hidden meanings. If you want a chance for reconciliation and since she's the one who wanted to end it, you need to give it a ton of space. "It's something too early to discuss". Don't reach out to her anymore now. If she contacts you, you tell her you want a period of no contact - say 30 days. Tell her, if by the end of the 30 days, she gets to a point where she is considering reconciliation with you, you will entertain a proposal from her for reconciliation. If it goes beyond 30 days, and whether she reaches out or not, you end it once and for all. If she hasn't contacted you in the 30 days and only for that purpose, you don't reach out to her ever again. Remember, this is hurting you. She's giving mixed signals and kinda stringing you along. That sucks. Draw a line for yourself. Implement no contact for at least a period of 30 days only for yourself to take the pressure off and give yourself time to evaluate objectively. You may find that you don't even want her back after reflecting on it all more clearly. 1
Satu Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Proceed under the assumption that its over for good. Holding onto hope is holding onto pain. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. 1
rmuscle Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 First off, I have little to feed off of how it got to this point of going separate ways.. sounds like she either do not see a future with you, met someone, exploring other options. The wrong thing to do when you are the dumpee is automatically suggest a possibility for a second chance. That is not your decision to make unless miraculously you flip the cards on your favor to have her lust, chase and desire u like women desire over diamonds. Your strategy is all wrong. Second chances rarely work out. If she dump u now. She will dump u again. Tough words but know one here on this forum is going to sugar coat anything because we ALL are hurting!
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 You hit the nail on the head. She is trying to end this as painlessly as possible. Let it end. The sooner you start healing, the sooner you will be ready to move forward. Take the lessons you learned from the end of this relationship and apply them to your next relationship
Author e4u Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 If you want a chance for reconciliation and since she's the one who wanted to end it, you need to give it a ton of space. Give her space, go no contact, let her miss you ! Start a new chapter ! Question: how do I do this if we're still living together for the foreseeable future as she looks for a place of her own? I can't bring myself to ruthlessly kick her out to put space in between us...and I'm not sure that's fair to her at all.
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 If you are still living together you need to give her a deadline to get out & you can help her look for a new place. By that I mean search on line & give her daily print outs or e-mails of potential apartments. Also buy her some boxes so she can start packing up her stuff. Your mental health needs her to be out of your living space.
Author e4u Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) First off, I have little to feed off of how it got to this point of going separate ways.. sounds like she either do not see a future with you, met someone, exploring other options. Basically, the conversation was about the fact that she felt like she was no longer being her true self around me because of my personality....and that it stressed her out being around me as a result of my personality. Of course she tried the whole: "it's not you, it's my reaction to your personality"...thing. Edited July 7, 2015 by e4u
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Question: how do I do this if we're still living together for the foreseeable future as she looks for a place of her own? I can't bring myself to ruthlessly kick her out to put space in between us...and I'm not sure that's fair to her at all. She wants out, let her worry about that. Is it fair you to you have to live with someone who doesn't want you? Don't try to manage the decision she's making and her emotions and needs for her. Let her stand on her own two feet. She's made a decision, she needs to accept it and all the consequences of that decision. I can't bring myself to ruthlessly kick her out to put space in between us -- The "space" between you is not about the location, it'll be the elephant in the room. The discomfort of that will be untenable. Focus on YOUR needs, not hers. You are not a couple anymore, you don't have to support her in anyway. And, yes, give her a time limit. 30 days should be enough to work with. Be firm or she will use you as a doormat if you're wishy washy about it. You can be firm yet respectful. 1
mightycpa Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 She said she wants to be just friends, says she cares for me, and is actually friends with ALL of her exes (this is true, by the way). I told her I don't want to be just friends and have no plans on being just a friend Then I guess she can't say that anymore, can she? If nobody has ever dropped out of her life completely, I can only conclude that she's never had anyone who really, really cares for her and/or she's never really cared for anyone that much either. The ones who disappear are the ones who can't stand to see you with anybody else. The people who don't care are the ones who stick around to watch the aftermath. it's not you, it's my reaction to your personalityIn a way, she's right, except that's not true from her perspective. From her perspective, it's definitely you. Question: how do I do this if we're still living together for the foreseeable future as she looks for a place of her own? I can't bring myself to ruthlessly kick her out to put space in between us...and I'm not sure that's fair to her at all. Now you know why she wants to be "friends". Just tell her she's got to go, and to pick up the phone and make arrangements with those exes of hers that are good friends. Let them take her in during this difficult time in her life, because that's what friends are for! And if that takes a while to arrange, well, that's what hotels are for. You can't worry too much about what she needs, unless you're one of the many exes who can stand to watch her with the next guy, which you said that you aren't. Look, you didn't ask for this. She did. Now give it to her. 1
Palmeiras Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 It sounds to me (and this is just conjecture) as if this girl has her whole end-of-relationship scheme worked out. She ends it, she gives vague responses to avoid direct confrontation, and she then stays "friends" to make sure that she has plenty of time to sort out her exit route and make it as easy as possible for herself. OP, I am not one that thinks it is normal for a person to be friends with all of his or her exes. Everybody is different, sure, and there may be some connections that are valuable to people beyond the lifespans of certain relationships, but I don't think a considerate and decent person remains friends with every single ex in his or her life. That smacks of manipulation and egocentrism. Get out of this ASAP. Work on it every single day.
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Basically, the conversation was about the fact that she felt like she was no longer being her true self around me because of my personality....and that it stressed her out being around me as a result of my personality. Of course she tried the whole: "it's not you, it's my reaction to your personality"...thing. There are a couple of possibilities here: Either she was never really being her true self and she can't maintain the "facade" anymore. Or, you were not being your true self and now getting more comfortable and she's noticing the difference. This may have been just the end of the honeymoon phase. Both parties have been putting their best selves forward for as long as it can be maintained. When they start realizing the change, they become somewhat anxious. There are couples who've said that the honeymoon phase never ended, and that's because they were being their true selves from the very beginning.
Author e4u Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Well.... I just found out she cheated on me. That answers all of my questions. Thanks everyone!
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I think there are some suitcases in the loft - help her pack....! 1
Author e4u Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Haha! You are such a nice person! Why not just dump it all outside my window and have her pick up the pieces (pun sort of kind of not intended)? But that would be stooping to her level, wouldn't it?
Author e4u Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 If you are still living together you need to give her a deadline to get out & you can help her look for a new place. By that I mean search on line & give her daily print outs or e-mails of potential apartments. Also buy her some boxes so she can start packing up her stuff. Your mental health needs her to be out of your living space. You are also so nice! I'm thinking I owe her nothing give the fact that (I found out after this message) she cheated on me. She'll be out by tomorrow, convenient or not for her, I don't care. It's my apartment, my lease, my furniture, I pay ALL the bills, I owe her nothing after what she did to me yet she expect to stay here for as long as its convenient for her and have me watch her dog all day long. Seriously? I love the dog but I don't love her.
smackie9 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Tip: stop dating girls that can't support themselves.....no va%$# is worth that.
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