Does he like me or not? I am absolutely clueless when it comes to these 'signals' ...

[mineral27]

So, it's been a long time since I last posted here and even a longer time since I've really liked some new guy, so I need a bit of advice ...

 

There's the thing - after few years(!) I finally really like a guy.

 

He works in one of the most popular bars in the city, where I go maybe once or twice a week. Two months ago I started talking with him from time to time, seeing he's smart and very interesting I also started to like him more and more.

Although that's one of the largest, most crowded bars in the city, he remembers me and even remembered from the first time exactly how I like my drinks.

I caught him looking in my direction quite a few times and a friend also told me that he was looking at me across the bar when I wasn't paying attention. (But that's what waiters do anyway, look around the bar?)

He usually jokes or chats with me, especially at moments when the people I come with aren't around me. One time he was thrilled by a game I played on my phone while waiting for a friend (turned out he loved that game) and gave me few useful tips.

Sometimes we tend to bump into each other (at the bar) and one time he even joked that he swears he's not stalking me. Another time he forgot my drink and brought it later (when a friend I was with went to the toilet) and said he 'forgot' the drink just so that he could come to my table again. ... things like these, you get the picture.

 

Is this normal for waiters to behave like that, or maybe there's something more?

There might have been some eye contacts between us, but honestly I am absolutely clueless when it comes to these things ... the so called 'signals'

 

He's really friendly in general, but he's also very professional towards guests. Just doing his job well is his priority from what I can see (he also works every single day, including weekends, until 1 am!).

And sometimes when we talk, he would somewhat disengage from debate if any of his co-workers came near and of course often he's busy anyway.

So, I don't know, is it because it's his workplace that he perhaps acts more reserved at times or maybe it's part of his job to joke and be friendly to me the way he is?

 

The more I see him, the more I like him, more I am confused about the situation. I also went for a vacation for 3 weeks and came back one week ago.

I've been at the bar couple of times since then and I was just very reserved, not really talking to him, because I don't know what to think ... now I also didn't know how to respond to his remarks (like the one about 'forgetting' the drink), I was just quiet and I'm afraid it came across as if I'm cold or ignoring him.

 

I think I really need to figure out what's the deal here, but then again, I don't think I can just ask him out - I don't really want to do anything that could count as workplace harassment.

Also, technically speaking, he has my number - one of the first times that I came into the bar, two months ago, I lost my USB key at the bar and left him my business card in case they find it (that was before I realized I'll be more regular guest ).

Is it wrong to assume he would (already) make a move if he liked me?

 

The thing is, I am just blind when it comes to noticing when some guy likes me. I never really get it if someone flirts with me, I just tend to perceive their behaviour as friendly (and then it comes as a total surprise when some guy tells me he likes me or is in love with me).

But at the same time, I really don't want to misinterpret or imagine things, if he's just being friendly.

Honestly, I don't know how to notice the difference between the friendly and flirty behaviour - even when I am just an observer of such situation, and it's even harder if I am in such situation myself.

 

Any suggestions what's the best way to find out if he likes me or not?

My friends say I should just tell him and invite him out, but ... seriously, it's been years since I've done this the last time and it's probably inappropriate to do it at his workplace anyway.

The friend that usually goes to that bar with me says I should really do something before coming to this bar becomes just a routine, and before I become just any other regular customer ... that the visits that I make should be 'memorable' to him.

I agree with her opinion, but still haven't got a clue what to do?

Edited July 6, 2015 by mineral27

[yxalitis]

Ask

Him

Out

/Thread

[Redhead14]

So, it's been a long time since I last posted here and even a longer time since I've really liked some new guy, so I need a bit of advice ...

 

There's the thing - after few years(!) I finally really like a guy.

 

He works in one of the most popular bars in the city, where I go maybe once or twice a week. Two months ago I started talking with him from time to time, seeing he's smart and very interesting I also started to like him more and more.

Although that's one of the largest, most crowded bars in the city, he remembers me and even remembered from the first time exactly how I like my drinks.

I caught him looking in my direction quite a few times and a friend also told me that he was looking at me across the bar when I wasn't paying attention. (But that's what waiters do anyway, look around the bar?)

He usually jokes or chats with me, especially at moments when the people I come with aren't around me. One time he was thrilled by a game I played on my phone while waiting for a friend (turned out he loved that game) and gave me few useful tips.

Sometimes we tend to bump into each other (at the bar) and one time he even joked that he swears he's not stalking me. Another time he forgot my drink and brought it later (when a friend I was with went to the toilet) and said he 'forgot' the drink just so that he could come to my table again. ... things like these, you get the picture.

 

Is this normal for waiters to behave like that, or maybe there's something more?

There might have been some eye contacts between us, but honestly I am absolutely clueless when it comes to these things ... the so called 'signals'

 

He's really friendly in general, but he's also very professional towards guests. Just doing his job well is his priority from what I can see (he also works every single day, including weekends, until 1 am!).

And sometimes when we talk, he would somewhat disengage from debate if any of his co-workers came near and of course often he's busy anyway.

So, I don't know, is it because it's his workplace that he perhaps acts more reserved at times or maybe it's part of his job to joke and be friendly to me the way he is?

 

The more I see him, the more I like him, more I am confused about the situation. I also went for a vacation for 3 weeks and came back one week ago.

I've been at the bar couple of times since then and I was just very reserved, not really talking to him, because I don't know what to think ... now I also didn't know how to respond to his remarks (like the one about 'forgetting' the drink), I was just quiet and I'm afraid it came across as if I'm cold or ignoring him.

 

I think I really need to figure out what's the deal here, but then again, I don't think I can just ask him out - I don't really want to do anything that could count as workplace harassment.

Also, technically speaking, he has my number - one of the first times that I came into the bar, two months ago, I lost my USB key at the bar and left him my business card in case they find it (that was before I realized I'll be more regular guest ).

Is it wrong to assume he would (already) make a move if he liked me?

 

The thing is, I am just blind when it comes to noticing when some guy likes me. I never really get it if someone flirts with me, I just tend to perceive their behaviour as friendly (and then it comes as a total surprise when some guy tells me he likes me or is in love with me).

But at the same time, I really don't want to misinterpret or imagine things, if he's just being friendly.

Honestly, I don't know how to notice the difference between the friendly and flirty behaviour - even when I am just an observer of such situation, and it's even harder if I am in such situation myself.

 

Any suggestions what's the best way to find out if he likes me or not?

My friends say I should just tell him and invite him out, but ... seriously, it's been years since I've done this the last time and it's probably inappropriate to do it at his workplace anyway.

The friend that usually goes to that bar with me says I should really do something before coming to this bar becomes just a routine, and before I become just any other regular customer ... that the visits that I make should be 'memorable' to him.

I agree with her opinion, but still haven't got a clue what to do?

 

It really doesn't matter if he "showing signs" that he likes you. You're a customer like all the other female customers from whom he wants a tip. Unless he comes to you and asks you for a date, nothing else matters. You trying to hone in on whether he likes you and doing things to get his attention, isn't going to come off well.

 

There are tons of girls there batting their eyelashes, blowing him kisses, buying him drinks and probably throwing themselves at him.

 

In order to stand out from the crowd, don't be one of them. Smile coyly, dress tastefully sexy. If you can, order a drink and ask a question about the place or about the name of a song he'd like to hear and play some on the jukebox and include his choice. Engage in conversation when you order drinks as long as it's not too busy of course, but maybe on an off day or something.

[mineral27]

yxalitis, thanks for your advice

 

still, i am in doubt for the same reason as Redhead14 puts it:

It really doesn't matter if he "showing signs" that he likes you. You're a customer like all the other female customers from whom he wants a tip.

 

Unless he comes to you and asks you for a date, nothing else matters.

 

Redhead, did you mean that I shouldn't ask him for a date - either he does it himself or it's only about the tips?

 

 

There are tons of girls there batting their eyelashes, blowing him kisses, buying him drinks and probably throwing themselves at him.

In order to stand out from the crowd, don't be one of them.

 

Yeah, I'm afraid this might be the case, there are probably tons of other girls, but can't say for sure ... but I'm definitely not a type of person to flirt like a giggly bimbo that throws herself at guys or seek attention.

However, something tells me he doesn't really fall for those, or if he does then screw him

 

 

Smile coyly, dress tastefully sexy.

 

This is the plan, yeah. I think I might be even too subtle, rather than obvious.

 

I need to keep interacting with him (but unfortunately there's no jukebox to try out your plan), but i feel there hasn't been really that much progress, so lately I started to be more reserved.

I don't know, I guess I'll keep trying to talk to him, but I don't want to become just any other regular customer ...

Edited July 7, 2015 by mineral27

[phineas]

All my friends who were in the service industry rarely hit on customers or asked them out.

 

It was up to the customer to hit on them otherwise they could get into trouble if the woman wernt interested.

 

So it isn't worth losing a good tipping job.

[Redhead14]

yxalitis, thanks for your advice

 

still, i am in doubt for the same reason as Redhead14 puts it:

 

 

Redhead, did you mean that I shouldn't ask him for a date - either he does it himself or it's only about the tips?

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I'm afraid this might be the case, there are probably tons of other girls, but can't say for sure ... but I'm definitely not a type of person to flirt like a giggly bimbo that throws herself at guys or seek attention.

However, something tells me he doesn't really fall for those, or if he does then screw him

 

 

 

 

This is the plan, yeah. I think I might be even too subtle, rather than obvious.

 

I need to keep interacting with him (but unfortunately there's no jukebox to try out your plan), but i feel there hasn't been really that much progress, so lately I started to be more reserved.

I don't know, I guess I'll keep trying to talk to him, but I don't want to become just any other regular customer ...

 

No, I wouldn't ask him yet. Establish in some way a little more interaction.

 

As far as him not paying attention to all the "bimbos", great. That's your cue to show him you're different. And, you're being more reserved. But don't be over-reserved. Stay friendly and sit back a little. Now that you have interacted and hopefully he's getting your signals, pulling back a little will draw him to you if he got the signals and is interested. If it seems like he's not, do a little bit more "signaling". Do it a little at a time, draw him to you. You've made your signals "known" for now, seems like it's not progressing, so you let it sit for a bit. Keep eye contact and smile. Be on maintenance so to speak. If he's paying attention and notices you've become quieter, that'll be a good sign.

 

Do you know anything about some of his likes? Say, if you know he likes to read, bring in an interesting book and put it on the bar and skim through it. I'm just using this as an example, because people rarely read or bring books to bars but an interesting item that may cause him to be curious. Little things like that.

 

don't want to become just any other regular customer -- just do little things that make you stand out that's all you can do.

[Redhead14]

One more thing relative to his interests . . . if you know he has a particular interest or hobby or something like that, ask him a question, solicit his help about doing something he knows about. Guys like to think they are experts and so it may "boost" him up a little

[mineral27]

All my friends who were in the service industry rarely hit on customers or asked them out.

 

It was up to the customer to hit on them otherwise they could get into trouble if the woman wernt interested.

 

So it isn't worth losing a good tipping job.

 

Yeah, I was also thinking about that, thanks for sharing this.

By coincidence I met an old acquaintance today who told me how their vacation was ruined because of the tourist guide who was paying all his attention to one of the girls that he fancied from the whole group.

 

However, did any of your friends who have been in that sort of situation hint or at least give some subtle signals, or were they acting toward the woman they liked exactly the same than any other costumer?

[Gary S]

Hang out at the bar and see if he asks you out. If he does not, perhaps some other will.

[mineral27]

No, I wouldn't ask him yet. Establish in some way a little more interaction.

 

As far as him not paying attention to all the "bimbos", great. That's your cue to show him you're different. And, you're being more reserved. But don't be over-reserved. Stay friendly and sit back a little. Now that you have interacted and hopefully he's getting your signals, pulling back a little will draw him to you if he got the signals and is interested. If it seems like he's not, do a little bit more "signaling". Do it a little at a time, draw him to you. You've made your signals "known" for now, seems like it's not progressing, so you let it sit for a bit. Keep eye contact and smile. Be on maintenance so to speak. If he's paying attention and notices you've become quieter, that'll be a good sign.

 

Do you know anything about some of his likes? Say, if you know he likes to read, bring in an interesting book and put it on the bar and skim through it. I'm just using this as an example, because people rarely read or bring books to bars but an interesting item that may cause him to be curious. Little things like that.

 

don't want to become just any other regular customer -- just do little things that make you stand out that's all you can do.

 

Thanks redhead, that's great advice!

I think I should put it in practice soon

 

Yeah, i think he noticed me being quieter, but then he became quieter too at some point. I think a little bit of initiative for interaction, subtle eye contact and so on, plus something interesting to bring with me might help me out from this point (or hopefully at least make me realize if there isn't any interest from his side).

 

 

One more thing relative to his interests . . . if you know he has a particular interest or hobby or something like that, ask him a question, solicit his help about doing something he knows about. Guys like to think they are experts and so it may "boost" him up a little

 

From what I know we seem to have similar taste in music and books, as well as share a few hobbies and interests that are more rare / less ordinary (at least from my experience).

But for some of these things, it wasn't him who told me directly, but I found out anyway - wouldn't it be just a bit too suspicious if I just start talking about those things we have in common, out of the blue?

Or at least I could try to find some 'associations', find something I could use to lead the conversation towards those topics.

[Redhead14]

Thanks redhead, that's great advice!

I think I should put it in practice soon

 

Yeah, i think he noticed me being quieter, but then he became quieter too at some point. I think a little bit of initiative for interaction, subtle eye contact and so on, plus something interesting to bring with me might help me out from this point (or hopefully at least make me realize if there isn't any interest from his side).

 

 

 

 

From what I know we seem to have similar taste in music and books, as well as share a few hobbies and interests that are more rare / less ordinary (at least from my experience).

But for some of these things, it wasn't him who told me directly, but I found out anyway - wouldn't it be just a bit too suspicious if I just start talking about those things we have in common, out of the blue?

Or at least I could try to find some 'associations', find something I could use to lead the conversation towards those topics.

 

too suspicious if I just start talking about those things we have in common -- He's not going to be thinking about that. He's not gonna say, "she's talking to other people and finding stuff out about me"?. And, if he does and he likes you, he'll be kinda flattered. If he isn't, then he's not really too interested in you anyway. And, so what, he's gotta know that girls are talking about him.

 

Anyway, don't just blurt it out. Talk about some other things and segue into the topic of books you like and/or movies, media, that's all.

 

And, we don't know how deeply he's gone down that path with other girls. In other words, did he just have superficial conversations about books and reading or did they discuss a particular book in detail? If you know a particular book, I'd at least skim through it to get enough info to be able to talk about it on a deeper level . . . if nothing else, you've read another book

 

You gotta really, really like him to do this though But if you do, you just start a conversation and say "I just read this book about . . . and it was so interesting". Do you know it? If he says yes, you say "I'm confused about _____ or I don't understand why _____. Again, you soliciting his opinion, ideas about something he knows or likes.

[Redhead14]

You could also go deeper into the music interest aspect. Not just "hey, what kind of music do you like? What is the meaning of some of the songs, talk about the history of a particular genre.

 

Getting deeper into things also gives you a clue about his level of "intellect". You may find that he looks good, but he's dumber than a box of rocks . . .

[mineral27]

Thanks for your advice, redhead!

 

And yeah, I really like this guy ... in last few years i haven't met any other guy that I'd like as much as him.

Then again, I'm not emotionally invested or anything, so I won't be too disappointed even if nothing happens.

I'll go for it, there's nothing to loose.

 

I think I'll put your advice into practice in the next few days

[Redhead14]

Thanks for your advice, redhead!

 

And yeah, I really like this guy ... in last few years i haven't met any other guy that I'd like as much as him.

Then again, I'm not emotionally invested or anything, so I won't be too disappointed even if nothing happens.

I'll go for it, there's nothing to loose.

 

I think I'll put your advice into practice in the next few days

 

Mineral, I can see you really like him and you say you're not emotionally invested. That is something you need to start managing right now before you actually connect with him. You need to manage your emotions and expectations for a long time when you start dating someone. It's very easy to lose yourself when you're excited about a new dating partner. Patience and observation go a long way in protecting your heart and minimizing pain when relationships don't develop the way we hope they will.

 

Be yourself, be relaxed, enjoy the moment. I hope this guy see's what a great girl you are! He'll be a luck man if he can see the difference between you and all the other girls who aren't focused on themselves and their needs and just want to get into his pants (Maybe you do too , but you are attempting to reach him on a deeper level . . .

[mineral27]

Redhead, thanks for the advice, I am trying to follow through as much as I can ...

 

 

Here's some update for those who are following:

 

Went back couple of more times. My friends also noticed he seemed more distant and formal now, ever since I accidentally ignored few of his 'hints' (I thought he was just being nice, like generally, but then I saw this might not be the case).

 

However, I think at least one of his co-workers suspects something. I think she caught me looking in their direction couple of times ...

She started talking to me and joking when he was around too, sort of putting him in a position where he was forced to interact with me as well ... am I just imagining this??

 

So, I finally went there alone yesterday, during the freaking heat wave (my flat was hot like a crematorium anyway), when the bar was almost empty.

Slightly confused I forgot to order the drink with the stuff I normally do, but he just brought it the way I like it anyway (he wasn't even officially working yesterday, but I had no clue while ordering?).

I told him I find it really nice/cool, that he remembered and he replied 'Well, if I wouldn't remember you, then I can just quit my job'. The usual confidence he has was then replaced with noticeable nervousness and I just couldn't resist to hint him what he means - to which he replied that he finds me ... (short pause) distinctive, that I leave a strong impression(!). At that point you could cut tension with a knife ... I was still processing it, when he finally broke the silence and told me just to take it as a compliment. Realizing it was my turn, I returned the compliment. Somehow he thought I was just being polite ?! (hell no, I'm not that polite!), not sure if I managed to show obviously enough that I like him during the conversation that followed We talked for the longest time - it was fun, nice and slightly awkward, of course

He officially introduced himself and said he hopes to see me soon again ...

 

He's very very nice, smart and witty. Turns out there are quite a few things we have in common, too.

But ok, I was way to shy to ask anything specific (for a date), and anyway, he's leaving for a vacation now.

 

However, I added him on facebook though ... And (of course!) there are quite few pictures of him hugging some girl (same one), sometimes accompanied with some 'dubious' comments.

No relationship status or other clues that would clearly indicate if he's single or not.

 

Am I overthinking this? Is it wrong to expect him to make the next move, if he's interested?

Edited July 19, 2015 by mineral27

[Redhead14]

Redhead, thanks for the advice, I am trying to follow through as much as I can ...

 

 

Here's some update for those who are following:

 

Went back couple of more times. My friends also noticed he seemed more distant and formal now, ever since I accidentally ignored few of his 'hints' (I thought he was just being nice, like generally, but then I saw this might not be the case).

 

However, I think at least one of his co-workers suspects something. I think she caught me looking in their direction couple of times ...

She started talking to me and joking when he was around too, sort of putting him in a position where he was forced to interact with me as well ... am I just imagining this??

 

So, I finally went there alone yesterday, during the freaking heat wave (my flat was hot like a crematorium anyway), when the bar was almost empty.

Slightly confused I forgot to order the drink with the stuff I normally do, but he just brought it the way I like it anyway (he wasn't even officially working yesterday, but I had no clue while ordering?).

I told him I find it really nice/cool, that he remembered and he replied 'Well, if I wouldn't remember you, then I can just quit my job'. The usual confidence he has was then replaced with noticeable nervousness and I just couldn't resist to hint him what he means - to which he replied that he finds me ... (short pause) distinctive, that I leave a strong impression(!). At that point you could cut tension with a knife ... I was still processing it, when he finally broke the silence and told me just to take it as a compliment. Realizing it was my turn, I returned the compliment. Somehow he thought I was just being polite ?! (hell no, I'm not that polite!), not sure if I managed to show obviously enough that I like him during the conversation that followed We talked for the longest time - it was fun, nice and slightly awkward, of course

He officially introduced himself and said he hopes to see me soon again ...

 

He's very very nice, smart and witty. Turns out there are quite a few things we have in common, too.

But ok, I was way to shy to ask anything specific (for a date), and anyway, he's leaving for a vacation now.

 

However, I added him on facebook though ... And (of course!) there are quite few pictures of him hugging some girl (same one), sometimes accompanied with some 'dubious' comments.

No relationship status or other clues that would clearly indicate if he's single or not.

 

Am I overthinking this? Is it wrong to expect him to make the next move, if he's interested?

 

Just sit back a let him come to you. If it appears that the "seed" has been planted, keep doing what you are doing. Don't change or adjust. If he is coming to you you want to be the woman that has already attracted to him. Whatever you've been doing may be working. Don't talk to the other girls there about him at all either now. If that girl suspects something and is interested in him herself, a little sabotaging could happen. If she isn't, it could go the other way and she'll encourage him maybe, but you don't know what's in her head. So don't fuel that at all either way.

 

If/when he's ready, he knows what to do