grokcahsevol Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 My questions is pretty straightforward.. what if you WANT to get back with your EX? It seems as their are a few ways of going about this and I was curious as to which ways you guys find best, both of these ways have been mentioned on here and other sites. 1) Go NC for 30 days, then shoot them a text or phone call and say "Hey, how are you doing, hope all is well" and take it from there. If they answer, try to set something up, if not, move on. 2) Go NC for good in hopes they reach out. I know many people here say NC is not a way to get your ex back, but more of a way to heal, which I agree with, but it seems like that some people who went complete NC worked well as well, depending on the situation. For example, the girl wanted space and time to figure her self out, then she reaches out when shes ready. I would really love some advice on this, as I would like to give us a second chance. I plan on staying NC for at least 2 months
mightycpa Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I don't think either of those two approaches will actually work. 30 days is pretty arbitrary, and I would say, not nearly long enough for most people. NC for good is really more geared towards forgetting somebody for good, not for getting back together with them. I think that you go NC until you're perfectly prepared to live without her, and that it doesn't kill you, and that nobody else compares... not in a desperate way, but in a thoughtful and considered way, having given other relationships the old college try. That might take a couple of years or more to reach that conclusion. Then you have to make a determination under that mindset: would you really like to go back, and why? Let's say you decide that you really do want back in, and whatever the situation was, there is a reasonable chance that this changed, and you have changed as well. You need to be aware that she has likely changed too. Then you have to meet her and take a reading at that time, knowing full well that you could very well be disappointed or rejected. I think that's the only realistic way, assuming that your position right now is that she doesn't want that. I don't know a thing about your situation except that just judging from the tone of your post, you're nowhere near where you need to be to make that work. 2
Satu Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 Nothing will make somebody want something they don't want. 5
lana-banana Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I have a grammatical bone to pick. With regards to reconciling with someone who dumped you, there are no ways of going about it because it's not a matter of the active voice (i.e. you doing anything); it can only happen if the person who broke up changes their mind. It doesn't matter if you blow up her phone all day every day or never speak to her again because it's ultimately her decision. You act as though she's still in your life in some way, but you're single and contesting with a ghost. You cannot fight for a relationship that's over or "give us a second chance" when it's just you. The most you can do is express your desire to try again and be prepared to accept the answer. 2
kasop Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I dont think you are going to get the responses you want to hear from here. You are better off posting your back story. With that being said..planning to get your ex back is almost never a good idea
Author grokcahsevol Posted July 6, 2015 Author Posted July 6, 2015 I would truly go back to her, why? It's not that I just enjoyed her company or she made me fill full and not lonely, but I truly love, care, and adore her and would like to be there for her when she needs someone. I still get butterflies in me when I think about the first time we met, it's crazy! I know I am no where near where I need to be, as I'm still gathering all my emotions and fighting through the break up. Why did you guys break up? Who broke up with who? It's still very unclear to me EXACTLY why.. she broke up with me I was given the "I need space" "I need to figure my self out" "I'm afraid will get a divorce if we marry" "Theirs no spark" but she also started talking to her ex g.f from when she was very young same time her parents got divorced.. We were together for 9 years (I'm a male) and she was with this girl for about 2-3 years before me.. they went on some "dates" recently and argued on everyone and almost got into a fight, then my ex came back to me and told me everything but she was still confused. However, they still like each others photos on facebook, I just un-followed all of our mutual friends today. Last thing I said "Will be back together" she said "I know" and then she said, you can call or text me anytime, and I told her to reach out to me if she want's to work on our relationship again, as I don't think we can be friends. I don't know, guessing her emotions got the best of her.
54JA Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 "No spark" and "probably get a divorce" are pretty clear to me. It's like she's saying "you are not the right one." I think it's possible to get her back into your life, short term. Everyone has moments of weakness. But is it the right thing to do? People go back and forth, but ultimately, if she has doubts, she won't end up with you in the long run. 1
Author grokcahsevol Posted July 6, 2015 Author Posted July 6, 2015 "No spark" and "probably get a divorce" are pretty clear to me. It's like she's saying "you are not the right one." I think it's possible to get her back into your life, short term. Everyone has moments of weakness. But is it the right thing to do? People go back and forth, but ultimately, if she has doubts, she won't end up with you in the long run. I thought about this as well. This is what really confuses me.. when she was with that girl that's when the divorce started to get really bad. 9 years ago. Fast forward to a few weeks ago she started talking to this girl again that's when her idea of getting a divorce pretty much came into play... Because a few weeks before that we were talking about marriage and how exciting it will be to get married in my home country and the whole 9 yards. This is why I think her emotions were completely fu*ked with. I'm thinking about going to see her old therapist who she went to for about 3 years as I think that could help me out in over coming this breakup and get a better understanding of everything
54JA Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Is that the only therapist in your area? Is there any other therapist you can see?
Author grokcahsevol Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 Their are others, however, I figured seeming how he knows everything about her past, he would be the best one to see and give me some guidance of this situation.
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 It's still very unclear to me EXACTLY why.. she broke up with me I was given the "I need space" "I need to figure my self out" "I'm afraid will get a divorce if we marry" "Theirs no spark" We were together for 9 years (I'm a male) and she was with this girl for about 2-3 years before me.. they went on some "dates" recently and argued on everyone and almost got into a fight, then my ex came back to me and told me everything but she was still confused. However, they still like each others photos on facebook, I just un-followed all of our mutual friends today.. The clichés tell me she knows exactly why she broke up with you but doesn't' want to tell you because she thinks the truth will hurt you more & she's trying to spare your feelings. Based upon the fact that she ended things with you after 9 years shortly after her EX-GF came back in the picture tells me she wants to be with a woman right now not a guy. If that is the case, being a guy, short of having transgender surgery, there is nothing you can do so don't even try. In the face of a break up, NC does not have the absence makes the heart grow fonder effect which brings immature partners back. It's an out of sight out of mind phenomenon. You need to start wrapping your head around the fact that this can't be repaired. Don't sit there & count 60 days thinking that in 2 months she's going to magically want you back. Work on healing & moving forward because that is all there is.
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I'm thinking about going to see her old therapist who she went to for about 3 years as I think that could help me out in over coming this breakup and get a better understanding of everything ...I figured seeming how he knows everything about her past, he would be the best one to see and give me some guidance of this situation. HE SHOULD NOT divulge details of another client to you. Her therapy is private. NO reputable therapist would consider speaking about her to you, nor advise you as to what you should do here. She is bisexual and dumped you as soon as the ex gf came back on the scene. It doesn't take a great deal of thinking to work that one out.
mimiMobile Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Even if you want them back, even if you move mountains and the moon for them, they will not come back unless they want to. How will they want to? Depends on the break up reasons. My personal experience is this -- * be very careful with how you behave post break up. Any crazy behavior will delay the two of you getting back together. * evaluate reasons behind break up and see if any of them can be altered. * NC/LC is the best way to go. No amount of days but enough time for dust to settle. I would say up to 2 months. Anyway, my personal experience. I'm still in the weeds of reconciliation and it may not pan out. But at least he's reached out to me, met up in person and said he loved me and wanted to get back together. Whether he means it or not... we shall see. I've done A TON of crazy crap after the break up and everyone told me no way will he get back together with me after what I had done. But that's not true at all. Someone told me that a man will put up with a lot of crazy from a woman and still take her back. However, a man will not take her back if he thinks he can't make her happy.
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) I believe if a dumper has good options, ie other hotter* men or women interested in them or interested in dating or having a LTR with them, then the chances of getting back together with you are slim. If options are bad or few or nil, then the chances of them getting back together with you, are pretty high. *I am using "hotter", but it could be richer, or better educated or a better sense of humour or a better social standing... etc. In other words a better catch. Edited July 7, 2015 by elaine567
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 My questions is pretty straightforward.. what if you WANT to get back with your EX? It seems as their are a few ways of going about this and I was curious as to which ways you guys find best, both of these ways have been mentioned on here and other sites. 1) Go NC for 30 days, then shoot them a text or phone call and say "Hey, how are you doing, hope all is well" and take it from there. If they answer, try to set something up, if not, move on. 2) Go NC for good in hopes they reach out. I know many people here say NC is not a way to get your ex back, but more of a way to heal, which I agree with, but it seems like that some people who went complete NC worked well as well, depending on the situation. For example, the girl wanted space and time to figure her self out, then she reaches out when shes ready. I would really love some advice on this, as I would like to give us a second chance. I plan on staying NC for at least 2 months No contact is about healing for yourself. There is no way to predict the outcome, everyone and every situation is different. The real point in doing if you are "secretly" using it to get them back, is to let them do it of there own volition. If you reach out to them at a point when they are feeling "weak" in their decision, they will respond, but not necessarily because they are now convinced they shouldn't have broken up. You've nudged them, but you'll still be wondering if they would have reached out first. No contact at least is the best way to handle it if you're hoping for reconciliation and to know a little better that they are clearheaded and sincere about it. And, when they do, they need to demonstrate that sincerity in a big way. They need time to fully process and get focused without having it in their face and reminded all the time.
Radu Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 My questions is pretty straightforward.. what if you WANT to get back with your EX? It seems as their are a few ways of going about this and I was curious as to which ways you guys find best, both of these ways have been mentioned on here and other sites. 1) Go NC for 30 days, then shoot them a text or phone call and say "Hey, how are you doing, hope all is well" and take it from there. If they answer, try to set something up, if not, move on. 2) Go NC for good in hopes they reach out. I know many people here say NC is not a way to get your ex back, but more of a way to heal, which I agree with, but it seems like that some people who went complete NC worked well as well, depending on the situation. For example, the girl wanted space and time to figure her self out, then she reaches out when shes ready. I would really love some advice on this, as I would like to give us a second chance. I plan on staying NC for at least 2 months The bolded, and here is why. The old relationship is over. A new relationship [or whatever you want to see it as], will mean a new renegociation of the relationship. Respect is paramount in a relationship, so the best possible position of negociation [having the power but not using it] is needed. To do that, you need to be over them or in the process of getting over them. The first option is not getting over them. The 2nd option is getting over them. The 1st option is probably more likely to end up in a new relationship, but the quality will be low because she will not respect you as much. The 2nd options gives you the option of a higher quality relationship if you go for it, or the option to move on ... so overall it leaves you in a much better place.
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