NCgirl155 Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone! So I know that this all may sound ridiculous because I'm only 17, but this isn't my first relationship or breakup and it feels so different from all of the other ones, it's so painful. My boyfriend had been together for a short (almost) four months, long distance. He lives very close to some family I have and that's how I met him in the first place. Both of us were initially unsure about whether or not a long distance relationship would work (we live about an hour and 45 minutes from eachother but neither of us can drive) but he asked me to be in his girlfriend after a month of having a flirty kind of friendship. I was delighted, as he was the first guy I ever felt truly comfortable with (I have a bit of social anxiety, especially when it comes to guys)- we would talk for hours and never fall short of something to talk about. We would spend anywhere from 1 to 8 hours talking on Facetime, normally from when we got home from school until one of us fell asleep. He quickly became an integral part of my life despite the distance and I began to fall in love with every single little thing about him. He's not my first boyfriend, but he's the first one I've had that I've cared about and loved so deeply (and I actually had a longer-term boyfriend who wasn't long distance for 9 months and I liked him a lot, but didn't love him and care about him as much as I did this guy). Also, I get sort of anxious about physically intimacy, but he made me feel so comfortable and he's the first guy where I've had no issue with it. For the sake of making this less confusing, we'll call my ex boyfriend Mike. Anyways, as time went on, Mike and I got SO close, despite the geographical distance. We were only able to see eachother twice during those four months but somehow we made the absolute most of it. Even doing things like going to the supermarket were fun with him. I may have been foolish and naive for believing him when he said this, but he used to tell me that no matter what, he'll always love me and that even if we broke up, he would want to stay in close contact so he could "hopefully marry me one day". I really did believe him because he made it seem like he loved me with every inch of his being (maybe he actually did, who knows) and when we would get in really small disagreements, he would always stay calm and work it out because he would say he never wanted to lose me. We never got in any serious fights, it would normally just be me getting annoyed at him for not answering my texts for long periods of time or something. I started to picture a life with him and I think that's really when I dug myself deep into his relationship. I knew that since we were long distance we would eventually have to break up, but never did I think it would be this early or end like this. I was his first serious girlfriend and his first kiss. I'm very careful about the people whom I choose to date as teenage guys more often than not tend to be interested in only one thing, so when I met Mike, I was cautious at first, but he proved himself to be way different than most guys my age- he was caring (and when I say that, I mean he seriously put my happiness as a priority and always did things to make sure I was doing okay) and was extremely understanding and respectful of me. Anyways, he broke up with me a little over a week ago. Things had been tense for about two weeks prior because we both had exams and were starting our summers, and I didn't feel like he was really making time to talk to me. I told him how I was feeling and he told me he was scared that I was going to break up with him and he promised to try harder to talk to me whenever he could because he "loved me and didn't want to lose me". He's one of those people who doesn't use their phones that often so things were getting tough because he would never use his phone while he was with friends so sometimes I'd go like 12 hours without talking to him, and we wouldn't facetime for a day or two. It continued for another week so the morning of the day we broke up I texted him and asked him if anything was wrong since he wasn't talking to me that much. He assured me that nothing was wrong and that he "loved me so much and was trying to talk to me more". I was a bit mad at him so I said a few things that he might've taken the wrong way, and I may have made him think I wasn't happy. I asked him to call me so we could talk things out and he did, but about halfway through the call he randomly told me that he thought we should break up. I was so shocked that I could barely say anything- I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I didn't even get angry- and then he said he had to go because his friend was waiting for him, so he said bye and I just hung up. I was still in shock for the remainder of the day and (unaware of the NC rule) I texted him and asked him why he broke up with me so suddenly, and he said it was "the distance, guilt, and that he couldn't have a good time with his friends without worrying about me being mad at him for not talking and that when he did have free time I'd be mad at him, so he didn't want me to waste my summer on him because it wouldn't be fair to me if he wasn't talking to me that much". I said that I understood and he randomly asked if we could be friends, and if not, he understood. I told him I was hurt right now and needed some time to make any decisions like that. I texted him exactly a week later (we hadn't talked at all) to try to talk things over. I did bring up trying to fix things, but he told me that "I'm a great person but he doesn't think he can be in a relationship being so far from me and because he 'doesn't have time' and that even if I came to see him more often, it would be more of a hook up." This made me really angry but I didn't say anything back to him because I don't want to be rude, but after four months, the last thing I would want to be denoted to is a hook up, I'm not allowing him to use me as a casual make out after breaking up with me. I did express that I loved him and missed him but he didn't say the same back. I told him that I'll most likely take him up on the just friends offer but that I needed time, and he said he understood. We haven't spoken since then, and that was about 5 days ago. This is the first breakup that's made me absolutely miserable. I do have an anxiety disorder and slight depression, so this completely threw me over the edge. I had no appetite up until yesterday and I've lost 7 pounds. I know it's not healthy, but I was so nauseous and sleep deprived that I couldn't eat. I've cried at least once (mostly more) every day. The mornings are worst because the first thought in my mind is that I have to go another day without him in my life. I've been pushing myself to go out with friends and I've been talking to people for advice but the most I get is "you're too good for him, just don't talk to him and get over him". But I feel like I'll never truly be over him. I'm definitely going to try going at least a month with no contact (as I feel like that rule doesn't necessarily need to be as strict for teenagers as we're all less wise and less experienced) so I can at least try to begin to forget about him and focus on myself, but I really want him to stay in my life- not because I'm dependent on him, but because he's a really great person and I don't want to lose the great friend I had in him. It's not one of those situations where our relationship was toxic or anything, if anything we brought out the best in eachother, because I know he made me a happier, better, and more brave person. I understand that the relationship is over and I know this probably isn't healthy, but I can't help hoping that one day, when we're way older (college or something) we could be together again because both of our families are moving to the same state and we both plan on going to college in the same state (not to be together, it just happens to be a coincidence). I would happily spend my adult years with him, as he's the first guy I've ever met who I can spend hours with every day (whether on the phone or in person) with and never get sick of, mad at, or annoyed with. We just get along really, really well and he understands me. It really hurts because I don't know how he could tell me I'm his "everything" and that he thinks I'm his "soulmate" and just leave. I understand that a teenage guy might not have the capacity to understand the power of saying those kind of things, but why would he even think of saying it if he didn't love me? I've been told that since we're both young, it'll be easier to remain friends especially because our breakup was amicable and neither of us have any feelings of hatred or anger towards each other (as far as I know), but I have no idea how to make that happen. I'll be in his state in late August so I was thinking maybe casually texting him and just asking him if he wanted to hang out so at least I could get a feel of things? I've been feeling really confused because I have no idea how he's feeling, whether or not this is hurting him, if he still loves/cares about me, seriously just want to be friends,etc. So, what do you think of this? I could really use some outside opinions or advice from people who are probably more experienced than me. Edited July 6, 2015 by NCgirl155
QueenDafine Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Aww honey, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way at the moment. I know exactly what you've been through, but I guess mine wasn't as bad as this. You need to be strong right now because this thing you had going on, it wasn't going to last if one end of the stick wasn't willing to contribute to the relationship. And that's really important in a LDR, because essentially the relationship will break otherwise. I think you just need some TIME. Time to get over things. Time to reevaluate yourself. Time to think about what is best for you right now. Time to relax and enjoy life as it is. And most importantly, time to realize and accept that everything in life happens for a reason, and this relationship took its path for a reason that is meant to alter your path in life. It really won't do you any good trying to convince him to get back into a relationship because firstly, texts and calls can only do so much; and secondly, once a guy has told you he no longer wants to be with you, that decision is set in stone. What I want you to do is to take some time and do not wait around for him. Don't wait for something that probably won't happen. If he really wants you back, he'll come back to you but if not, then no. I think it's great that you still want to be friends and I think it would be good to keep in contact, BUT it will only be good when all those feelings and that hope of "we might get back together" disappears. It will only do you bad if you get int a friendship with him but you still have feelings! It will only hurt you further and could sabotage what's left of your relationship. I mean you can't just go into it wondering when he'll ask to get back together, dying when he doesn't text you back or feeling hurt because he ignores you. I know this may be hard to hear but he's most probably just living his life the way he was during and after the relationship. Which is, he's spending time with his friends and doing things he loves an probably not even thinking about you. Love is a very strong emotion that gives you so many feelings about someone. But im telling you right now, true love doesn't end and the fact that he snapped his fingers like that and dropped you so quickly the day after he also said "I love you", isn't exactly the sign that you two were in love. You may have loved eachother; I mean, you may have loved the happy feeling you had when you kissed, loved the feeling of being cared for, loved the close bond you two shared and loved that you could be with him like you could be with no one else and loved the way he treated you. But I dont think you were IN love, you both just loved what your relationship had to offer in your lives. Sorry if I'm disregarding the quality of your feelings but it's true and so many people get caught up in that and so many people have suffered for months because they thought it was real love. There's one last thing I want you to think about. How was life for you before the relationship? Sure, it was a bit boring and things were just... normal. How was your life during the relationship? It was great, wasn't it? Everything was lovely and wonderful! How is your life AFTER the relationship? It's ****, you feel hurt and everything reminds you of him. You wonder if he cares anymore and you just want things to be the same again and it just feels SO hard to let go of the feelings and memories. See how much easier it was? It will get easier and your life will become normal again, but ONLY when you start accepting things and begin to realize that there's so much more to life than a silly boy. Now I'm not saying you should give him up; it's your choice, but remember that from now on, your choices will either delay you or help you greatly in helping yourself. NC right now is the best for you. Once you think it's the right time, you will decide whether he's even worth a friendship. Time is your best friend right now.
pidgeon1010 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Your situation sounds exactly like this thread so if this is not the same person posting under another username, you may find some of the responses in the thread useful. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/535809-worth-trying-get-back-together-should-we-just-try-friends-updated-3.html# Sorry you're hurting. I know it's hard and no one can say anything that can alleviate your pain. Hopefully with time, it will get better.
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