No_Go Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 We have been together ~4 months, we both met each other's friends and I met his family. We act as a committed couple, and we're quite mature (me: early 30s, him: late 30s) Is it time to bring more serious topics, I.e. I want in the next 2-3 years to: 1) but a property 2) have children 3) save for retirement, college for kids etc. Will it be too much to discuss since we are still just dating? I will be so upsetting to discover that are not on the same page after let say a whole year of dating. Btw we had many casual conversations and all of the above is in his plans, I'm still concerned about timing though (call it a 30-yo crisis but I want my life together... And I'm very clueless how to do it in a couple-mode:))
Redhead14 Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 We have been together ~4 months, we both met each other's friends and I met his family. We act as a committed couple, and we're quite mature (me: early 30s, him: late 30s) Is it time to bring more serious topics, I.e. I want in the next 2-3 years to: 1) but a property 2) have children 3) save for retirement, college for kids etc. Will it be too much to discuss since we are still just dating? I will be so upsetting to discover that are not on the same page after let say a whole year of dating. Btw we had many casual conversations and all of the above is in his plans, I'm still concerned about timing though (call it a 30-yo crisis but I want my life together... And I'm very clueless how to do it in a couple-mode:)) It is a little soon to be putting this kind of pressure on it. As long as you are both on the same page about dating goals in general, you have discussed exclusivity, I'd shelve it for a little while longer. When you get to the point of declaring boyfriend and girlfriend and during that conversation is when you get into longer term specifics and goals. If you not on the same page as a pair for the long run, you may decide you don't want to declare yourselves as a couple then. And, a year out is not that long to be evaluating whether you two are compatible in terms of building the foundation for a relationship outside of those kinds of things. If the basis and foundation of the relationship have been established and on good footing, those are just things that you two would work together on. You could have a very casual conversation now if you wanted to in a non-specific way just to mention your plans, but don't nail it down or make it seem like you're including him in that decision making process now. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 It's a little soon to bring up all of that especially all at once but it's probably a good time to have the where are we, where are we going conversation. Pick a quiet time when you have his full attention. Not in bed & ask him what he's looking for in the short term & the long term. Make it a generally pleasant discussion not an interrogation. Ask more Qs then anything. 1
lana-banana Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 Four months is not too soon to have a basic discussion about your relationship goals, especially between two mature individuals. It's not like you're asking for his top ten favorite baby names. Besides, you already know you have the same general goals. It shouldn't be too hard at all. I do the serious talks at the (roughly) 3-6-9-month marks: at 3 months it's to get a sense of relationship goals, 6 is around where people start saying "I love you" so you can talk about more long-term goals, and 9ish is when you can start talking seriously about a future together. As d0nnivain said, treat it like any other pleasant conversation. You can introduce the subject by bringing up a couple you both know, or a news article about relationships, or whatever. Just listen to him and be completely honest about your own opinion. 1
Author No_Go Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Haha, we actually declared as bf/gf very early on, in the same time as the exclusivity discussion. As you suggested, I mentioned casually some of my plans without including him in it, but... It always is very weird when we discuss his future house, his future kid, and my respective ones I feel like we want the same, I am not sure thought that he wants this with me, and vise versa. I am leaning towards waiting to at least the 6th month. 1 year is great, if I was younger even 2 years will be great, but now I'm a little bit in a rush age-wise. It is a little soon to be putting this kind of pressure on it. As long as you are both on the same page about dating goals in general, you have discussed exclusivity, I'd shelve it for a little while longer. When you get to the point of declaring boyfriend and girlfriend and during that conversation is when you get into longer term specifics and goals. If you not on the same page as a pair for the long run, you may decide you don't want to declare yourselves as a couple then. And, a year out is not that long to be evaluating whether you two are compatible in terms of building the foundation for a relationship outside of those kinds of things. If the basis and foundation of the relationship have been established and on good footing, those are just things that you two would work together on. You could have a very casual conversation now if you wanted to in a non-specific way just to mention your plans, but don't nail it down or make it seem like you're including him in that decision making process now.
Author No_Go Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Oh yeah... All that his friends talk about recently is mortgages and kids (the wonders of the 30s) So it can be a natural conversation after outing with them. As d0nnivain said, treat it like any other pleasant conversation. You can introduce the subject by bringing up a couple you both know, or a news article about relationships, or whatever. Just listen to him and be completely honest about your own opinion.
TheBathWater Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 We have been together ~4 months, we both met each other's friends and I met his family. We act as a committed couple, and we're quite mature (me: early 30s, him: late 30s) Is it time to bring more serious topics, I.e. I want in the next 2-3 years to: 1) but a property 2) have children 3) save for retirement, college for kids etc. Will it be too much to discuss since we are still just dating? I will be so upsetting to discover that are not on the same page after let say a whole year of dating. Btw we had many casual conversations and all of the above is in his plans, I'm still concerned about timing though (call it a 30-yo crisis but I want my life together... And I'm very clueless how to do it in a couple-mode:)) There is never a real benchmark point for these kinds of things. Just be mindful of his potential reaction to your bringing it up. If you're feeling uncertain about it right now though, nothing is forcing you to get it out at this very moment, right? It can wait a little longer if it can. Better to err on the side of caution. 1
writergal Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 No_Go: Have the convo about those 3 topics in a serious way if that's what's on your lifeplan with him. I totally disagree with those who advise you to wait. Why wait? What would be the point? You've already both talked about this casually. So, it's not as though you'd be walking on eggshells about the topic. He already sort of knows how you feel and what you want. So, there's no point waiting to have a more practical talk, if that's what you want to do, so that you can plan ahead. If you were in your late teens or early 20s, I'd advise you to slow down but you're nearly 40 so the time is now to find out if he's on the same page as you are. People can live together for 10 years and never marry, and then break up. Or, people meet and within 3 months are married and stay married for 40 years. So, there is no rulebook to this. It's your life. You make your own rules up as you go along, and you learn from your own mistakes and from your successes. By having the talk now, you can decide together if you want to proceed ahead as a team with the intention of marriage, a family, and a house, or if not, then he's not the guy for you. When you get to be in your 30's, you don't need more than a few months to know if you're marriage-compatible. But that's personal preference I suppose. No one has the right answer for you either. Follow your intuition on this one. If you feel like the time is now to have the talk, then have the talk. But if you want to wait, then wait. Just don't wait too long or you may regret it. 1
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