cipd11 Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I've never posted on anything like this before, but I've found this site so helpful this past week. Basically my boyfriend of 3 and a half years ended things last Monday and this week has been absolutely horrible. It had been a relationship of many ups and downs. After 2 years he ended things as I was going travelling, as soon as I got back we started things back straight away. It was kind of like we had two honey moon periods and these times were just amazing. We got on so well, he made me feel so special and I felt so happy. However as the months went on he started to change, he stopped saying and doing nice things and became very cold. I was told before hand that he was emotionally unavailable and warned by friends - I chose to ignore this as I side I saw was completely different. He recently got offered his dream job in a new city and i left my job and moved with him. I always put him first and wanted him to be happy. A month later he decided to end things with me, it had been a really hard month for me and the fact I was unemployed had put a huge strain on our relationship. He said he knew he was unhappy for months but thought things would change when we lived together..... The last 6 months had been hard, the fact he didn't show he cared for me and said that I should know he loves me without him having to show me, made me very insecure. When I cried he didn't care, he spoke to me so badly and always made things my fault. Now that we have broken up all I can do is blame myself for being insecure and needy - I just wanted to feel special and wanted. I didn't think that was too much to ask. He was always more interested in watching TV shows and playing games on his phone than he ever was in showing any love towards me. He admitted he had communication problems - whenever I wanted to talk about something bothering me it would turn into an argument and everything would be my fault How can I stop blaming myself for this?
pillowpuffs Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I'm sorry you have to go through this after you gave up so much for him. Please do not blame yourself. I don't think you are to blame at all. You didn't ask for too much. Even if you'd been together for a while, it is important to show and be affectionate. When you say you love someone, you should show it. Saying that he didn't need to show it was just his way of making it seem like you wanted too much from him. Turning arguments around on you and having it be your fault is really just his way of not being able to handle an argument - that was probably the easy way out because he probably knew if he could make it look like you were to blame, you'd accept it? Not that you're weak or anything. Sometimes this just happens and sometimes people are really good at being manipulative (I've been there before). From what you've written, it seems like he couldn't deal with the guilt he was feeling (guilt because he wasn't into the relationship when you'd done so much for him perhaps). He didn't want to deal with the relationship because I guess he knew how he felt about you and didn't know how to tell you; so he acted out by being cold, turning tables and making you feel like you were needy. It really sucks but sometimes people are just able to do that. Please do not blame yourself. Everyone wants to feel special and it does not at all seem like you were asking for something that was extraordinary. I hope you feel better soon. Take care. 2
mightycpa Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 You pose an interesting question. It's pretty normal for people who get dumped to blame themselves for what went wrong in the relationship. Sometimes it's true, sometimes not. Usually, it's a two way street. You refer to yourself as needy and insecure. I'm betting there's some truth to this, so I think in that respect it is perfectly appropriate to recognize that about yourself, if it is indeed true. For example, you might realize that when boyfriends turn "cold" and stop doing nice things for you, that might be the time to bail, rather than the time to double down on commitment. Or, if the desire to talk consistently turns into a quarrel, and you tolerate not getting what you actually want, then that's a good thing to understand about yourself too. You might ask yourself if he asked you to leave your job and follow him, and how insistent or enthusiastic he was about that. Did you initiate that or did he? There are lots of lessons in this relationship for you, I'm sure. Ultimately, it's not so much about romantic love as it is about compatibility and having someone in your life who is inspiring and an example in some ways, and you have to fill that role for him too. About having someone that you like to have around, and who likes to have you around too... the way you are, not they way you wished they would be. What you describe doesn't sound like that. What you describe sounds like you hung on and tried to make a so-so relationship the right one. And maybe that's what you're blaming yourself for, really. So "taking the blame" in your case might not be such a bad idea. The question now is what are you going to do with that blame? Wallow in it, or make some improvements? That's the question you should be asking, I think. 3
Redhead14 Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I've never posted on anything like this before, but I've found this site so helpful this past week. Basically my boyfriend of 3 and a half years ended things last Monday and this week has been absolutely horrible. It had been a relationship of many ups and downs. After 2 years he ended things as I was going travelling, as soon as I got back we started things back straight away. It was kind of like we had two honey moon periods and these times were just amazing. We got on so well, he made me feel so special and I felt so happy. However as the months went on he started to change, he stopped saying and doing nice things and became very cold. I was told before hand that he was emotionally unavailable and warned by friends - I chose to ignore this as I side I saw was completely different. He recently got offered his dream job in a new city and i left my job and moved with him. I always put him first and wanted him to be happy. A month later he decided to end things with me, it had been a really hard month for me and the fact I was unemployed had put a huge strain on our relationship. He said he knew he was unhappy for months but thought things would change when we lived together..... The last 6 months had been hard, the fact he didn't show he cared for me and said that I should know he loves me without him having to show me, made me very insecure. When I cried he didn't care, he spoke to me so badly and always made things my fault. Now that we have broken up all I can do is blame myself for being insecure and needy - I just wanted to feel special and wanted. I didn't think that was too much to ask. He was always more interested in watching TV shows and playing games on his phone than he ever was in showing any love towards me. He admitted he had communication problems - whenever I wanted to talk about something bothering me it would turn into an argument and everything would be my fault How can I stop blaming myself for this? When you stop thinking you had/have control over it. The bottom line is that you and he were not compatible and he wasn't meeting your needs. I just wanted to feel special and wanted. -- there isn't anything wrong with wanting those things. A man who loves you will do that for you if he wants to. After 3 years, there isn't anything wrong with seeking that from him. You may have been too clingy or needy, I don't know and it doesn't matter because there were so many other levels on which this wasn't working. It's not all you. There isn't anything you can do about all that. Start focusing on yourself and your needs now. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. When you find yourself ruminating about it all, get up and do something nice for yourself. Go out and have fun. Clean closets, get caught up on stuff you've been slacking off on because you've been struggling with this. You must have other stuff you can do besides ruminate and post here 3
54JA Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 Wow! You got super awesome advice here! All three of them combined, I hope you can alleviate some of your pain. Some guys are good at manipulating you into thinking it's all your fault: Yes! I think it's true! Perhaps, you just needed a hug or 15 minutes of undivided attention, or just one "I love you" text. None of it is too much. We all have moments when we need a little loving. If he couldn't give you these things, perhaps he wasn't ready for a relationship, and didn't have the guts to tell you in the early stage. Self-Reflection: Like CPA says, I also think it's important to reflect on what you did wrong. It would be good to ask some questions about your communication style and level of your insecurity. Was my communication about my needs clear and concrete (e.g., I need you to say I love you VS I don't feel you love me)? Was my need for reassurance reasonable or excessive? Reflect without Rumination: This is also so true! It's important to reflect, but not in an obsessive way. Once you start obsessing about all the what if's, the hope just gets deeper and deeper. Perhaps you can set yourself a time limit or schedule to think about the relationship and stop when your time is up. I know we all think about things constantly, but having a mental time frame sometimes helps. When you are bothered by all these thoughts, you can say to yourself, "I can think about that at 4:00 pm for 15 minutes" or something like that. Good luck! 2
Author cipd11 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Posted July 6, 2015 Thank you so much for all your advice, you know no have idea how much I appreciate it. I think you are right and that we were not compatible and I probably knew this all along - I was hanging on hoping he would go back to being the guy I first met and obviously that wasn't him. I wish I had had the guts to end it myself before leaving a job and making a commitment to something that wasn't ever going to work. I am naturally quite a confident person and this is the first time In a relationship where I have acted needy and felt insecure. But I do think this is a reaction to not getting what I need from a relationship. That said, I didn't ask for much at all and I feel that telling someone you love someone isn't exactly hard. I suppose this has taught me that in future, if I know something isn't right then not to waste time trying to make it something it'll never be. Thank you again 1
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Thank you so much for all your advice, you know no have idea how much I appreciate it. I think you are right and that we were not compatible and I probably knew this all along - I was hanging on hoping he would go back to being the guy I first met and obviously that wasn't him. I wish I had had the guts to end it myself before leaving a job and making a commitment to something that wasn't ever going to work. I am naturally quite a confident person and this is the first time In a relationship where I have acted needy and felt insecure. But I do think this is a reaction to not getting what I need from a relationship. That said, I didn't ask for much at all and I feel that telling someone you love someone isn't exactly hard. I suppose this has taught me that in future, if I know something isn't right then not to waste time trying to make it something it'll never be. Thank you again Telling someone you love them is hard if you don't . . . Everything you said is spot on. You've learned something from this, so turn it into a positive and leave this behind you and move forward as the strong, secure, independent young woman you always were but lost sight of a little bit. It happens. You're all good here!
Author cipd11 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Telling someone you love them is hard if you don't . . . Everything you said is spot on. You've learned something from this, so turn it into a positive and leave this behind you and move forward as the strong, secure, independent young woman you always were but lost sight of a little bit. It happens. You're all good here! Thank you, you really have no idea how much I needed to hear that.
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