go to him?

[mossycup]

So two months ago my fiance left me, I have written about it in another thread,but short story we were very in love with all conflicts being worked out well and great trust/honesty/happiness. He was scared of change and at 35 had never left home, plus is in AA/recovery for a few years (so lots of stuff happening for him) but clear how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then right before we were to move in, he bailed completely and hasn't even seen or spoken to me beyond a polite email congratulating me on a work project.

 

Now I am doing ok, moving on with life, even feeling attracted to other men (although not ready to date yet) although still missing him and feeling confused. I was talking to my mom about it yesterday and thinking again about maybe why he did it. He gave me all these reasons that made little sense, but the first thing he said was that he was trying to work out some logistical issues about the apartment that were stressing us, he finally worked them out (on his own, not with me) and then realized "he didn't want this, any of it". Then he went through a lot of stress/confusion but didn't directly ask for my help figuring it out (went to his mom instead) and then dumped me without option for us to think through it together. The little bit I pushed him he said, "I need completely autonomy and freedom" and after that I let him go.

 

So I was telling my mom about this and she said that maybe he loved me very much but was scared of letting go of his autonomy. I gave him a lot of freedom but she said maybe he is afraid he won't be able to FEEL free - since he is a "helper" - and any relationship would be too hard for him until he gets over his compulsive need to help counterbalanced by a very stubborn need to be totally in control of his life. She thinks he probably really misses me and could possibly want to come back IF i was able to show him that I forgive him and that he does have freedom with me and that he doesn't have to be a "helper". She said I might want to call him, without any expectations to get back together, and help him work through his feelings. She said she believes we are truly good together and it might be worth it and what do I have to lose, even if he doesn't care about me at all.

 

I don't know. It doesn't quite make sense to me. I do believe he loved me and got scared, but I also believe that when a man wants something, he goes for it. "Helping" him figure out the situation doesn't seem like the right thing for ME to do. It seems like if I do that, I will always wonder if he truly wanted to be with me. Or if he rejected me again, it feels like a re-opening of the absolute agony of having your best friend completely turn away from you. I am open to reconciliation, but it really feels like it needs to be if he comes to me, because HE realized his own issues, and either worked through them, or at very least ASKS for help.

 

You guys are all very wise. What do you think? If I truly love him, should I go and find him and help him? Or can I truly love him (because I do) and recognize that it is up to HIM to come to me, and if he doesn't, just move on?

[Yummm]

Although our scenarios are much different, you are over analysing this too much.

 

This person left you, told you that they don't want to be with you anymore.

 

If they do want you they will come back, you are worth keeping and worth fighting for, why go back to somebody who told you that they don't want you?

 

My ex did everything to make me believe that she was the one. Her family said things too, I thought we were going to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. Even thinking back now I see no big red flags in the relationship, she simply changed her mind and is clearly emotionally unstable.

 

I had an encounter with my ex today, we are like complete strangers and it's a very strange feeling! Ultimately she made the decision to cut me out of her life and that is how i'll take it, you should too.

 

My mum is very emotional and has also been saying things like this to me: 'perhaps she's scared of confrontation (which I know she is) and perhaps she is cutting off her nose to spite her face, she's probably regretting it blablabal' - NO, if she wants me back she has to tell me that, why would I chase after her?

 

I think you need to continue to move on as you have been doing, don't dwell on the past and who knows the future, if he gets himself sorted and proves to you that he wants you back, you can make that decision in the future.

[Redhead14]

So two months ago my fiance left me, I have written about it in another thread,but short story we were very in love with all conflicts being worked out well and great trust/honesty/happiness. He was scared of change and at 35 had never left home, plus is in AA/recovery for a few years (so lots of stuff happening for him) but clear how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then right before we were to move in, he bailed completely and hasn't even seen or spoken to me beyond a polite email congratulating me on a work project.

 

Now I am doing ok, moving on with life, even feeling attracted to other men (although not ready to date yet) although still missing him and feeling confused. I was talking to my mom about it yesterday and thinking again about maybe why he did it. He gave me all these reasons that made little sense, but the first thing he said was that he was trying to work out some logistical issues about the apartment that were stressing us, he finally worked them out (on his own, not with me) and then realized "he didn't want this, any of it". Then he went through a lot of stress/confusion but didn't directly ask for my help figuring it out (went to his mom instead) and then dumped me without option for us to think through it together. The little bit I pushed him he said, "I need completely autonomy and freedom" and after that I let him go.

 

So I was telling my mom about this and she said that maybe he loved me very much but was scared of letting go of his autonomy. I gave him a lot of freedom but she said maybe he is afraid he won't be able to FEEL free - since he is a "helper" - and any relationship would be too hard for him until he gets over his compulsive need to help counterbalanced by a very stubborn need to be totally in control of his life. She thinks he probably really misses me and could possibly want to come back IF i was able to show him that I forgive him and that he does have freedom with me and that he doesn't have to be a "helper". She said I might want to call him, without any expectations to get back together, and help him work through his feelings. She said she believes we are truly good together and it might be worth it and what do I have to lose, even if he doesn't care about me at all.

 

I don't know. It doesn't quite make sense to me. I do believe he loved me and got scared, but I also believe that when a man wants something, he goes for it. "Helping" him figure out the situation doesn't seem like the right thing for ME to do. It seems like if I do that, I will always wonder if he truly wanted to be with me. Or if he rejected me again, it feels like a re-opening of the absolute agony of having your best friend completely turn away from you. I am open to reconciliation, but it really feels like it needs to be if he comes to me, because HE realized his own issues, and either worked through them, or at very least ASKS for help.

 

You guys are all very wise. What do you think? If I truly love him, should I go and find him and help him? Or can I truly love him (because I do) and recognize that it is up to HIM to come to me, and if he doesn't, just move on?

 

He was scared of change and at 35 had never left home, plus is in AA/recovery for a few years (so lots of stuff happening for him) -- He is absolute right about needing to have freedom and autonomy. He needs to build a life for himself as an individual and move on through his AA recovery before he can be a good partner for anyone. This will take quite a while. And, he is an alcoholic for a reason. It's not simply he's an alcoholic, there is an underlying cause for it. That will have to be addressed as well. Alcoholism itself is incurable. He will struggle with it for the rest of his life, especially if the cause isn't addressed as well. In addition, you will struggle as well.

 

"Helping" him figure out the situation doesn't seem like the right thing for ME to do -- You are absolutely right. If it doesn't seem like the right thing for YOU to do, don't do it. You have to consider your needs right now and stop focusing on him. He has to do all this for himself. You don't have the skills to "help" someone with the issues he has. All you'd really be is a "crutch". He needs to be able to stand on his own two feet.

 

Let him do what he needs to do and if he is feeling strong enough and wants to come back to you, he will. However, during this time, you are evaluating your needs and what you want for yourself for a happy relationship. If he comes back, you will need to evaluate for yourself whether he has overcome the issues he's had.

 

He may accept your outreach and he may even be happy you did, but what you need him to do is demonstrate to you that he is in the mental/emotional state necessary to even attempt to go back into the relationship. The only way you will know or even have a better idea about that, is if he does reach out to you first. It will take some strength to do even that.

 

I wouldn't reach out to him. "Helping" him figure out the situation doesn't seem like the right thing for ME to do. It seems like if I do that, I will always wonder if he truly wanted to be with me.

 

It's not about whether he wants to, he probably does, but is he capable of being the partner you need? That is the bigger question here.

[mossycup]

Thanks for your helpful replies. I agree with them and they make sense. I did know he was in AA when we got into a relationship, that he had been sober for over a year, but I don't think I really took it seriously. I remember thinking that maybe he was exaggerating it or something. I don't know why - I guess I just didn't have any experience with alcoholics. Plus he seemed so together. But now when I think of it, I do see it that way - he's just not ready to really share a life with someone. And I can understand that. It gives me peace to know he did love me, but just wasn't ready. He is a wonderful man and I hope he is able to find himself and his own strength. I recognize that is something that it makes sense for him to do on his own. I wish I had realized all this before I fell so in love with him, but, I will be wiser for next time.

[Redhead14]

Thanks for your helpful replies. I agree with them and they make sense. I did know he was in AA when we got into a relationship, that he had been sober for over a year, but I don't think I really took it seriously. I remember thinking that maybe he was exaggerating it or something. I don't know why - I guess I just didn't have any experience with alcoholics. Plus he seemed so together. But now when I think of it, I do see it that way - he's just not ready to really share a life with someone. And I can understand that. It gives me peace to know he did love me, but just wasn't ready. He is a wonderful man and I hope he is able to find himself and his own strength. I recognize that is something that it makes sense for him to do on his own. I wish I had realized all this before I fell so in love with him, but, I will be wiser for next time.

 

Consider this too, he may have loved you deeply and wanted to be the one for you. And, if he did/does, he will not want you to be hurting now. He will want you to be happy. So, go and do that.

 

Alcoholism is a very difficult thing for both parties in a relationship. Be wiser now and recognize it for the future. Even though this one has ended, you have learned something and gotten something positive from it.

 

And, I suggest that you box up the hurt you've experienced and put it on a shelf so that it doesn't cause you anxiousness or at least minimizes anxiousness and fears going into new dating scenarios. Date them as individuals and don't project the past into them. Of course, you should try to figure out if a new partner is or has trouble with alcohol and move on quickly. Be patience, enjoy and observe carefully and objectively and evaluate early as to whether they meet your early dating needs and showing whether or not they have the potential to meet longer term needs as well. I'm willing to bet that this man made you somewhat leery over the course of your relationship. People in his shoes often don't have good dating skills.

 

Don't date for a while and give yourself time to grieve. You'll know when you're ready to date again. And, when you do, do it on a casual basis for a little bit. Ease back into dating for a relationship.

[mossycup]

I experienced absolutely no warning bells with him basically until he left. That was the wierd thing. I trusted him completely, and I am very distrusting of people in general and also uncomfortable with most men. All I noticed was that although he said he wanted to get married in the future, he never wanted to talk about the future and when we talked about getting married he really got anxious. I should have taken that as a sign but he did some processing and said he had faced his fears. I come from a family where there is a lot of fear so I think I assume it is normal for someone to be afraid of someone. So I didn't take that as a warning sign, which I really, really should have. He said he was so happy with me, but looking back, talking about weddings and apartments, his heart wasn't fully in it.

 

So I think maybe the reason I didn't see any signs is because I have very low expectations of men, and was happy just to be loved. We got along, he told me loved me alot, we could talk and help each other out with things, and we had similar values. So I guess I just ignored his limitations about the future. I feel like I don't really know very much at all about what it means to be really loved by a person and love them back in a way that could lead to marriage. I loved this man partly because neither of us knew and figuring it out together felt safe and supportive. Without him, yes, I feel lonely, because I feel like we understood each other in a special way. But I can also see how this way of understanding each other might not have made us be good spouses. We both maybe need to figure out more how we can be adults. I had hoped we could figure it out together but now I am not so sure, since he wasn't able to even stay in the relationship, it was too much for him.

 

It's just really hard because of course, no matter the circumstances, I loved him and trusted him so, so much, and he was so special to me, and I really thought we were going to be together forever. And it's hard to make myself realize otherwise.

Edited July 6, 2015 by mossycup

[54JA]

What exactly were the "logistical issues" with the apartment? Was this the apartment you two were planning on moving into?

[mossycup]

It had to do with trying to test to see how loud his snoring was on the weekend before we had to decide to sign on an apartment - if the snoring was really loud we were going to wait until he got a CPAP until moving in together or get a house instead (neither of us were in a hurry to move in so there was no real pressure, although this particular apartment was quite nice. The apartment was next door to my current one so we could test the wall thickness in this one and know that that is how the other one would be). But he also wanted to go away for this spiritual seminar and there was some stress about how to do both. He said he figured out how to do both the testing and the weekend in time to decide on the apartment, but then said once he had the answer, he realized he no longer wanted to be with me anymore.

 

Oh god, just writing that out makes me feel so sad that we couldn't have just talked it through, and how dumb I feel in retrospect that I thought we were just having a logistical stress about an apartment when really the whole relationship was about to go boom. But clearly there was a lot of other stuff going on for him, since people don't usually break up over that kind of thing if other stuff hasn't been brewing. I have a million million theories but I'm trying not to theorize anymore but just move on. And the writers above have given some good reasons why he wasn't ready for living with someone which make sense to me.

Edited July 7, 2015 by mossycup

[54JA]

Either way, whether it was the logistical stress, or other stuff was brewing, it's a red flag. If he broke up with you over the stress of having to manage his spiritual event and testing for snoring, you should still be glad that he broke up with you because it just sounds like he doesn't handle stress very well. I don't understand how this planning for his spiritual event and testing his loudness for snoring should be so stressful to him to the point where he had to say "I don't need any of this." Most likely, something was brewing and this snoring-test-apartment thing was a trigger. It is still a red flag because it just seems like he doesn't have good communication or adequate problem-solving skill. Because of his lack of problem-solving skill/attitude, he is doing "all-or-nothing" thinking and go the extreme. Had you guys moved in together/married, there will be a lot more (serious) stresses to have to deal with together (like death in family, losing a job, buying a house, etc) which I don't see him doing very successfully. You don't want to have to tip-toe around him, wondering which next life stress is gonna trigger his explosion.

[mossycup]

Ok, I just want to share that I called a therapist today to start therapy. It's been just over two months and I am noticing my OCD and anxiety creeping up after a two months of just being basically either really sad or totally ok/higher energy. I am feeling worn down by this process and I realize that despite getting help from this LS, also from Al Anon, and good friends, I think I need to get a little more to be proactive with getting therapy. It feels good to take care of myself this way.