Eternal Sunshine Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 This is play by play exactly how my marriage was. This is like describing me and my ex. Look in the future. Not going to end pretty. Much better off letting go and you absolutely can find someone better. I did. This sounds like my parent's marriage...my mum was never strong enough to walk away despite being very unhappy. OP you think things are bad now? Once you get married, they are only going to get worse. 4
norajane Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 How do I deal with a man like this? Walk away. You can't ever please someone who complains that you don't love him "enough." No one will ever love him enough - he'll hurl that accusation at any woman he dates, eventually. Bottomless pits never fill up. You are also not compatible. He wants someone clingy, which you are not. You want someone reasonable, which he is not. And, angry, immature, pouting people are not good marriage material. This is how he will deal with any slight, imagined or real, for the rest of your lives. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 He has been controlling this entire scenario. It is time for you to stand up, be strong and stand your ground, if for no other reason but to set boundaries for yourself and to send the message that what he is doing is unacceptable to you. He is being a terrorist. I don't negotiate with terrorists or children who throw tantrums. Let him stew in his room until the cows come home. He is behaving badly. He wants you to run after him and coddle him. Don't reward bad behavior. Reward yourself by going out somewhere with your friends and having a good time. If there is even the remotest chance that he will change, he won't do it until he realizes that, at least, you won't tolerate or support it. I might support a situation where a man pulls away when he's struggling with something difficult and needs to focus on for himself and IF he were otherwise a good, caring, supportive, comforting, secure man who has been meeting my needs up to now. But he isn't. There is no excuse for his current behavior PERIOD.
Redhead14 Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 (edited) Thank you for your response. I do not mind talking to him everyday, or the goodnight calls. I initiate many of them, and give him random calls throughout the day as well. We meet often as well - the only times we don't is when our schedules don't match (this causes him to get all frustrated, and there isn't much I can do) To be very honest, my social circle has decreased considerably since I met him because I don't get THAT much free time, and when I do have free time, I need to make sure it's spent with him (I enjoy it too, but also because he'll feel 'upset' if I don't) When I DO need to make other plans with other friends once in a blue moon, I make sure to ask him first so that he doesn't get upset. I be affectionate and loving as well (just not the way he is...) Why do I have to meet HIS strandard of loving for him to feel loved? I agree about the long engagement.. I already have that in mind. In fact we were having numerous fights even prior to the engagement. So when I was expecting the proposal, I spoke to him about how we should take some time to solve our own problems before making a bigger commitment - but of course this caused him to become very angry/defensive... and to prevent all that drama, we got engaged. To be very honest, my social circle has decreased considerably since I met him because he'll feel 'upset' if I don't When I DO need to make other plans with other friends once in a blue moon, I make sure to ask him first so that he doesn't get upset. Everything you've said in this post indicates that it's all about him. You've lost yourself in this relationship. You accepted the engagement because he had a tantrum? I can't say this strongly enough -- GET FOCUSED ON YOURSELF AND YOUR NEEDS. Once you do this, it will be come clear to you what needs to be done. I can't meet his standard because I would literally have to have my life revolve around HIM and ONLY him (even though it almost does) - as he revolves his life around mine. -- You can't meet his needs and he can't meet yours. There is no relationship here. This stuff here is bordering on an attempt by him to isolate you, but you are actually doing it for him, which is a big indicator for an abusive relationship moving forward. It's already abusive on some levels, but this will likely escalate as you get closer the wedding and after marriage. You are seeing some writing on the wall too. Edited July 6, 2015 by Redhead14 1
writergal Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 Thank you for your response. To be very honest, my social circle has decreased considerably since I met him because I don't get THAT much free time, and when I do have free time, I need to make sure it's spent with him (I enjoy it too, but also because he'll feel 'upset' if I don't) When I DO need to make other plans with other friends once in a blue moon, I make sure to ask him first so that he doesn't get upset. In a healthy relationship, you don't need permission from your partner to see your friends. It sounds like he has already programmed you to put yourself and your life second to his, based on the way he treats you. ex. You share good news about your friend's medical school acceptance, he accuses you of trying to make him feel bad about himself. ex. When he gets angry, he throws things around and he puts you down. ex. When you have free time, he requires you to spend that with him and if you want to see your friends, you need his permission so that he won't get upset. ex. He gives you the silent treatment when you asked him about how the argument with his mother resolved, then says he needs to be alone. This relationship could easily become one of abuser - victim the longer that you stay with him. His lack of self-control and his paranoia and jealousy and need to have power over you based on what you've written, are huge red flags. His need to make you responsible for his emotional well-being and happiness is also a huge red flag. No one should carry all that responsibility a healthy relationship. Each person is responsible for their own well-being and happiness. Abusive people operate from a core of fear and insecurity so they expect their relationship partner to create and maintain all the boundaries in the relationship so that they can feel safer. If their partner refuses, that increases their abusive behavior, because their partner's refusal "to do all the work" is interpreted by the abuser as a betrayal of loyalty. Just my two cents. 2
Grumpybutfun Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I would say that he isn't a bad guy otherwise... He's smart, we have good conversations, he's attentive, we have the same morals&values - things I don't feel like I'll find in anyone else. The only problem is that he constantly needs to feel reassured, validated, chased around etc. He has anger issues (throwing things around, putting me down during arguments) Something else that concerns me about this 'alone time' of his is that from when I've known him he's cut off MANY good friends. Like best friends, and even cousins for no reason at all. He seemingly has a very easy time just cutting people off from his life. In times of anger, he's even expressed how he doesn't even need his mom and he could care less if she walks out of his life (and THIS is a single mother who raised him all by herself) And it's always made me worried that if he can cut out people SO easily (and if people don't make that effort to chase him around - as per his own words) then he will easily get rid of them. Makes me wonder... if this alone time is also a means to cut me off? This is a huge hit you over the head red flag. You need to run like hell. Anger issues will only get worse after marriage and raising kids with a man like this, making your kids walk on eggshells, is child abuse. Nothing you describe about this man makes me think he is the only man out there for you...most of the good you described can be found in most men today. Morals, values, good conversation....most guys I know encompass this. Believe it or not, most men don't throw things around or read disrespect and dislike into their everyday interactions with the woman we want to spend our lives with or are spending our lives with. Acceptance of this behavior is detrimental to your quality of life. This behavior isn't him being sensitive, this is being controlling with a mental disorder. Run. You will regret your life with a person this mentally unwell and this emotionally unhealthy. Good luck, Grumps 3
aussietigerwolf Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 This sounds like my ex... He will get worse after the wedding And if you happen to have a child with him then the kid will cop it as well. This is your chance to get out now... 1
Author Tired10 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 This is a classic example of your gut talking to you. LISTEN to it! Your gut is wise and correct! Also, throwing things and fighting dirty in arguments is straight-up abuse. It is often a precursor to one day turning that rage on YOU (or your kids). My personal opinion is, his extreme affection has nothing to do with you or his love for you. It's firstly an expression of his extreme insecurity, and second a means of roping you back in when you start to question the relationship. The angry, silent, controlling, violent, moody, jealous, insulting guy is the REAL him. Thank you for your response. I think you put his affection/attentiveness into perspective for me. He is also CRAZY with gift-giving. I mean within the first two months of our relationship he purchased a $400 watch for me. This threw me back a little, but I generously accepted it because he just came off as a very loving/romantic guy. His gift-giving has continued over the past 2 years (despite him having a low-income job), and I guess everytime I have even contemplated leaving - I've always thought "I will never find such a romantic and affectionate guy, he's everything a girl wants" Even people have made comments like "he's such a loving guy! He buys you everything! You're so lucky" - which has always caused me to question why I feel the way I do, and constantly wonder whether I'm just being ungrateful? And then I think, well no one isn't perfect right? All he's asking for is a lot of love? Thinking all this makes me really, really confused. And I get scared thinking I might be letting a good guy go. But if everything was healthy and good, why would this relationship be causing SO much stress? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 If you don't want to leave him immediately, here is my suggestion: 1. Stand up to him. If he sulks, gives you the silent treatment; ignore him. Don't reach out, don't keep asking what's wrong. 2. If you want to see a friend, arrange a coffee date or whatever and just inform him that you are going. You are not asking for his permission. If he sulks and gives you the silent treatment, see point 1. 3. Same as 2. if you need more alone time or want to do anything else that he is "not happy" with. This is what I did with my father who has a similar personality. We now actually have a very good relationship. My mum never took this advice and she is the one who makes 100% of sacrificing in their relationship and is miserable. You can't keep going like this. 4
Author Tired10 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 Something else that concerns me about this 'alone time' of his is that from when I've known him he's cut off MANY good friends. Like best friends, and even cousins for no reason at all. He seemingly has a very easy time just cutting people off from his life. In times of anger, he's even expressed how he doesn't even need his mom and he could care less if she walks out of his life (and THIS is a single mother who raised him all by herself) And it's always made me worried that if he can cut out people SO easily (and if people don't make that effort to chase him around - as per his own words) then he will easily get rid of them. Makes me wonder... if this alone time is also a means to cut me off? This revelation is huge. This by itself makes me want to tell you that you should end the relationship. He will do this over and over with you if you do get back together. This is all about control and lack of emotional connection. His childhood history as presented above indicates an attachment disorder. he doesn't even need his mom and he could care less if she walks out of his life. This is rooted in early childhood and makes it almost impossible for them to establish strong emotional connections. What happened with his father, did he abandon the relationship or pass away? Or, did they divorce? Was the father active in his life at all? Was the mother emotionally stable and provide at least the basic care and attention a child needs? If that was lacking, it started there. Seriously consider your history with him up to this point. There are more things than you mentioned in your original post to focus on. I seriously doubt that he has been meeting your needs on very many if any levels and you have been overlooking them or sweeping them under the carpet. Thank you SO much, Redhead for how much you've helped me out with this situation. I can't thank you enough for your effort to explain everything to me, and put things into perspective. You're a great help. In regards to his history, his father abandoned him and his bother when he was only a few months old. Since then he has met with his father a couple of times, but the father showed no interest to maintain the relationship. I can understand this is why he needs all the extra attention, love and affection - but it's hard for me to provide all that for him? I thought things would perhaps change after marriage, and he wouldn't feel so insecure WHEN I was living with him. And we wouldn't be relying on constant messages/calls to stay in touch. But now, I am afraid that things will only get worse based on the feedback I have gotten on here?
torturedartist Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 My fiance and I have been together for 2 years, and got engaged 2 months ago. We're both extremely sensitive people, so our relationship has been quite difficult at times. My boyfriend has always felt that I don't love him enough because we both have different standards of loving. He likes to text 24/7, have good night calls every single night, starts to feel 'disconnected' if we both have busy schedules, gets really insecure, etc. I'm an insecure girl as well, but I personally don't feel the need for the both of us to cling onto each other at all times. I don't show my affection by suffocating him with my love - something he longs for and defines as 'love.' I know he's had really clingy ex-gfs, so he thinks ALL girls are like that, and if they aren't then they don't love him as much. In addition to this, I can't seem to tell him something without him taking it personally. For an example, I once told him that my co-worker got accepted to med school, and I was really happy for him. My fiancee got extremely upset, and mad because he felt I was rubbing the accomplishments of other men in his face - and caused him to feel like he hasn't accomplished anything. Also, I've recently been suffering from severe depression - I told this to my fiancee and he got upset and started going all "how do you think it makes me feel knowing my partner is depressed?" and took my depression as me not being happy with him. Anyway, you get the jist. A couple of days ago my fiance told me that he his mom was upset at him for something silly. I told him she was just frustrated and would be okay as it was nothing serious. The next day, I talk to my fiance normally, but he starts ignoring me. I tell him I love you and to tell me how his mom is doing, and he ignores that as well. So yesterday, I finally asked him why he was mad. He responds with "Do you need anything from me?" And I respond with, "What does that mean? Why are you ignoring me?" and he says "I need time alone." So I simply said to him "Okay, I won't bother you." and we havn't spoken since. Knowing my fiance, I know he wants me to chase him around, be all clingy (because to him that is love) - but I do not want to do that because that's not my personality. If I tell someone to leave me alone, I expect that. My fiance, however, has different standards. Should I take this "I need time alone" as a break-up? He seems to be fine posting things on his facebook and what not - and I'm surprised he hasn't deleted me yet (considering that he has a tendency to delete me off social media whenever he's super mad). How do I deal with a man like this? Your fiance sounds like a big baby. His behavior isn't even close to what you could expect from many men, in acting like men, or even grownups. You mentioned having some insecurities of your own. It's good that you can admit that, because just about everyone is insecure, but not many people like to admit it. Anyway, with that being the case, you need to find someone who is more secure, who can be a source of stability for you, not turmoil. In response to your question, I say ditch this guy. Use his recent behavior as justification. Do you want a lifetime full of this kind of bs? Or would you rather have some peace in your life? You never will with this guy, because not only is he a big baby, he's a drama queen. 1
Author Tired10 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 I can't thank everyone enough for their feedback!! I really do appreciate it. Everytime I feel tempted to contact him and ask him what's up, I just come on here to re-read everyone's responses so that I don't get lured back into this cycle. I am trying to focus on myself in the mean-time. I have made no effort to contact him. However, his mother did call my mother to invite us over for dinner. My mom - knowing that he and I aren't on good terms at the moment - told his mom that we would come over another time. I'm sure he's even more angry now because my mom declined the invite. But I mean, how could we go to his house for dinner, when he clearly told me he needed to be alone? I shouldn't feel bad that my mother declined the invite, right? I am not thinking about marriage at all, but because families are involved right now - I cannot make an immediate decision. However, is it safe to leave the ball in his court? In that, if he does not contact me again, I should not contact him either, and assume the engagement is over? Should this be my course of action? I'm sorry for asking for so much advice, but this is a huge step for me and I've never had to courage to do anything like this, and suck at making decisions. Thank you again for all the replies!
writergal Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I can't thank everyone enough for their feedback!! I really do appreciate it. Everytime I feel tempted to contact him and ask him what's up, I just come on here to re-read everyone's responses so that I don't get lured back into this cycle. How long have you endured this abuse from him? It seems like he's really abusive to you. I am trying to focus on myself in the mean-time. I have made no effort to contact him. Definitely don't contact him. That would be a huge mistake. However, his mother did call my mother to invite us over for dinner. My mom - knowing that he and I aren't on good terms at the moment - told his mom that we would come over another time. I'm sure he's even more angry now because my mom declined the invite. But I mean, how could we go to his house for dinner, when he clearly told me he needed to be alone? I shouldn't feel bad that my mother declined the invite, right? Even thinking that he's more angry at you because your mom declined his mother's dinner invitation should give you great pause to move forward with your engagement. Why should you feel bad that your mother declined the invite? It was the right thing for her to do, because its her way to protect you, her daughter from more stress and pain. I am not thinking about marriage at all, but because families are involved right now - I cannot make an immediate decision. That's good. However, is it safe to leave the ball in his court? In that, if he does not contact me again, I should not contact him either, and assume the engagement is over? Should this be my course of action? Why are you worried about his feelings? Worry about your own. Do you want to marry him still after the way he treats you, or should I say, restricts you? I'm sorry for asking for so much advice, but this is a huge step for me and I've never had to courage to do anything like this, and suck at making decisions. It's good to talk to people when you're not sure of how to proceed with your situation.
fitnessfan365 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Wow.. This guy sounds like a NIGHTMARE. The clingy behavior is bad enough. But what really sounds terrible is him throwing temper tantrums over ridiculous stuff. I mean him actually accusing you of throwing other men's success in his face when you mention your co-worker and med school. Or him making your depression about him. Of course in the end, you're the one that will have to make the decision to leave this guy. But for what it's worth, there is no way in hell you should marry him. Call off the engagement and break up with him ASAP never looking back.
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Thank you SO much, Redhead for how much you've helped me out with this situation. I can't thank you enough for your effort to explain everything to me, and put things into perspective. You're a great help. In regards to his history, his father abandoned him and his bother when he was only a few months old. Since then he has met with his father a couple of times, but the father showed no interest to maintain the relationship. I can understand this is why he needs all the extra attention, love and affection - but it's hard for me to provide all that for him? I thought things would perhaps change after marriage, and he wouldn't feel so insecure WHEN I was living with him. And we wouldn't be relying on constant messages/calls to stay in touch. But now, I am afraid that things will only get worse based on the feedback I have gotten on here? They will for sure. Because the more "security" you give him, the more he will want and need. You will and have been losing yourself in this and there is only so much you can give. It will never be enough. There is significant cause to consider that he may also be a diagnosable narcissist. This is an extremely difficult type of person to get away from when you do move on. If he is a true narcissist, you must be strong and completely resigned to cutting off all contact with him. He will go to great lengths to preserve the relationship because it will represent a failure. Remember, they are perfect . . . they can't fail. I'd err on the side of caution and make the assumption.
casey.lives Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 maybe there is someone out there who can deliver... my ex found his soul mate and i don't doubt he is happy beyond belief. i could never..
xcupid Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Marriage will NOT solve this problem. This situation sounds very complex. Professional counselling might help though. But those involved must be willing to go to counselling.
GemmaUK Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Don't marry this man, his abuse will escalate. I dated a man for 7 months just like your fiancé. I'll be blunt. He raped me at Christmas - the reason was that I refused to announce where I was going to a room full of 7 people including children when I was going to the toilet. We were at his sister's house with his parents, sister, her hubby and their children. He got really angry with me for leaving the living room - it took me a while to figure out what he meant as all I had done was the same as everyone else and either used the toilet across the hall or gone to fetch some more food from the dining room buffet. It was ridiculous! We were also both in our forties. Make sure your Mum and as many of your friends as possible know how he is behaving. I have a few good reading suggestions to get your head straight. Linky below. I have since read 'Why Does He Do That' too - great book but a long read. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions
Author Tired10 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) Hey everybody, I thought I'd give everyone an update. So HIS mother called to tell me why he was mad and why he hasn't contacted me for a week. When he told me that him and his mother got into a fight, I didn't ask him enough times how his mother was feeling. I only asked him once and then continued with my plans with my friend. So... in essence he's upset because I didn't inquire about his situation with his mother enough times. So silly. I cannot believe we're engaged. And he still isn't contacting me because he's mad at me. I won't be contacting him...because I don't think I deserved to be ignored for a week over this. Edited July 10, 2015 by Tired10
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 So HIS mother called to tell me why he was mad and why he hasn't contacted me for a week. I haven't seen this thread before now, and this alone tells me everything I need to know. Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? Me, neither.
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Your fiance sounds like a big baby. His behavior isn't even close to what you could expect from many men, in acting like men, or even grownups. You mentioned having some insecurities of your own. It's good that you can admit that, because just about everyone is insecure, but not many people like to admit it. Anyway, with that being the case, you need to find someone who is more secure, who can be a source of stability for you, not turmoil. In response to your question, I say ditch this guy. Use his recent behavior as justification. Do you want a lifetime full of this kind of bs? Or would you rather have some peace in your life? You never will with this guy, because not only is he a big baby, he's a drama queen. If he lacked proper parental care as a child, he will have basically raised himself and is "locked" into his childhood. He basically is still a child on an emotional level.
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