NeverHurtSoMuch Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 So, i've posted my story on here before, so this time I'll keep it to a short summary and an update. I'm 18 and just graduated high school. Around 15 months ago I met this amazing girl and we fell in love instantly. For the first year, we were completely head over heels in love with each other, and inseparable. It was truly amazing, and we started telling each other that we were the loves of each others lives. We were each other's first kiss, love and first "time." Around 13 months into the relationship, she started acting cold and distant towards me. Now, we had our fair share of fights, but we always made up and ended up stronger together. I've always had this insecurity that I would lose her, and when she started acting cold and distant, I started becoming slightly possessive and controlling, and we started fighting almost constantly. She never gave me a direct reason for her coldness, just that she "didn't feel normal with me." After 2 months of non-stop fights and things getting progressively worse, she asked for a break. Halfway through the break, she texts me saying she made a mistake. Then, we fight again and she breaks up with me. Get back together. Break up again, and here is where I stand. It has been 8 days since the most recent break up, and I think this is the final one. The first break up lasted only four days, and as soon as we broke up, she was devastated and crying, and got back with me just four days later. Immediately following this break up, I made the mistake of texting her and her friends several times, asking if she was sad about the breakup and if there was a chance of getting back together. All of her friends told me that there was no chance, and her best friend, on my exes instructions, told me to leave her the F alone. Then, my ex called me and told me that it was certainly over. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she couldn't say she doesn't, but she does not want to be with me. The next day I went over to her house to pick up my stuff, and left her a letter that outlined how much I truly love her and want to make things work with her. She did not respond to this, and when I prompted, she said the letter did not change her mind and that she was more content than sad about the breakup. After this, I stopped texting her for five days. This morning, I wrote her another letter, this time telling her exactly what I think went wrong in our relationship, as we had so much love turn into this. I went to deliver it to her by hand, and she freaked out, saying she doesn't want to see me and that I should go. She did, however, angrily listen to what I had to say and took the letter. I was very gentle and kind in my words. When I got home from her house, I find out that she blocked me on Facebook. I was really hurt by this. To complicate matters, college starts in less than two months, and we're going to colleges that are just 30 miles away from each other. This was not planned, although we had planned to stay together in college regardless of distance. I'm sitting here now, and I don't know what to do. Just 3 months ago this girl was telling me how much she loved me and was committed to me, and now this. I know she still cares about me, but I just don't know what to do. I can't live without her, but I can't even contact her now. The pain is immense, and completely earth shattering. This is the girl I thought I would spend my life with. What we had was so amazing and special and committed. I genuinely feel as though I will never feel this way about anyone else. Should I wait some time and then try and contact her again? Should I forget her and move on? Should I contact her in college? Do you think she'll contact me? What should I do? The single worst thing for me is sitting around and thinking about the possibility that she has gotten with some other guy. I essentially know that she has already moved on, as she is constantly posting happy pictures of herself with friends. How do I cope with the uncertainty of whether or not she has gotten with some other guys?
hunk Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 First off I completely empathize with you and I know how hard first breakups are, they're arguably one of the most emotionally traumatizing experiences you'll ever go through. What I will tell you is that there is nothing you can DO to make yourself feel better, and that it is simply a matter of time. Sadly, we are quite powerless in terms of the emotional pain we go through when a relationship ends, especially our first one. You can make it easier by staying active and not letting this consume you, realizing that time WILL completely heal this and that, while you allow time to do it's thing, you need to be proactively moving on and living your life, because you won't get this time back, and what crushes you even more than the pain of this breakup is looking back at the opportunities you threw away or the time you wasted ruminating over a person who has actively, permanently removed themselves from your life. How ridiculous is that? You also should try to hammer in the reality that it's over. She's not coming back. She's told you she's done, she is done. The emotional connection she had with you is gone, whether she got bored/lost attraction whatever is irrelevant. You no longer have any sort of relationship with this person, she is nothing to you anymore. She actively, consciously took the step to terminate any sort of relationship with you, effectively removing you from her life indefinitely. You have nothing to do with eachother and are as good as strangers right now. Your relationship was a romantic one, not a friendship and therefore you can never have a true friendship with her while you hold onto the romantic one, the only one you've ever actually known. Don't try and kid yourself that it's possible to have some kind of relationship with her maybe "later on" or "when time passes", anyone who does this is just deluding themselves. IT'S NOT IN YOUR CONTROL. She is most probably talking to other guys and is excited by it. Again, this means nothing to you. It has nothing to do with your life. Your life will continue while this happens. Nothing will stop, the sun will keep rising no matter how many new guys she bangs. Life will continue around you while you lie in bed in anguish. Your life is unaffected by this. Every moment you spend lying in bed in mental turmoil is time that you are choosing to waste, an action that will quite literally lead to no positive outcome and just a bitter realization that you've essentially allowed this person to defeat you for absolutely no reason. Right now these are the steps you need to take. 1. Block her on absolutely every form of social media you have her on. It doesn't make you look weak. You are removing her from your life and you have no reason to keep any tabs on her whatsoever. Keeping her on facebook isn't going to lead to her having some kind of epiphany one day that was caused by seeing you on her news feed, she isn't longingly checking your profile wishing you were back together, she doesn't care and is HAPPY right now. Remove her for your own well being. 2. Delete her phone number so you are never tempted to call her or text her. Most importantly, DO THINGS. DO ANYTHING. Go to the gym and obsess over it. Channel your feelings towards her and your relationship into the gym, it not only elevates your mood but it gives you something to actively work on that will yield tangible results for you in the long term. My strongest piece of advice is that you need to forget her. I truly mean that. You need to push her out of your mind. You need to act as though she is dead and doesn't exist. For me, this has helped tremendously in all of my breakups. It may sound sad, but it works. She is essentially a dead grandparent right now, she was once in your life but now she is gone. Mourn her, grieve but at some point you need to ACTIVELY CHOOSE to start the process of moving on. Sorry this is a bit of a mess i've typed it up while trying to study for a paper. If you want to talk about anything i'm always up for it and so are alot of people on these forums, you're not alone and will get through all this ****. 3
wizer Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 How many identical threads are you going to start? Its supposed to be one per customer not 20. 1
Author NeverHurtSoMuch Posted July 6, 2015 Author Posted July 6, 2015 How many identical threads are you going to start? Its supposed to be one per customer not 20. I'm sorry for spamming this, but this has been the absolute worst thing I have ever had to go through, and you guys are the only ones who are any sort of emotional support for me
Learningtowalkagain Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I'm sorry for spamming this, but this has been the absolute worst thing I have ever had to go through, and you guys are the only ones who are any sort of emotional support for me Listen to what hunk said he's spot on with all of his advice. Try focusing on yourself, no matter how difficult it is do stuff that occupies your mind/time so you're not obsessing over this. Know this, every person in the world has felt the pain you're going through now. Since its your first breakup, use it as a learning experience. When you're finally over this girl I'll bet you'll look back and find the break up made you a stronger person.
Author NeverHurtSoMuch Posted July 6, 2015 Author Posted July 6, 2015 I genuinely thought she was the one, and i know that she genuinely thought that about me too... I can't fathom that now she does not even want to talk with me or see me ever again, regardless of how easy it would be to make it work in college
Learningtowalkagain Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I genuinely thought she was the one, and i know that she genuinely thought that about me too... I can't fathom that now she does not even want to talk with me or see me ever again, regardless of how easy it would be to make it work in college This hurts for me to say to you but get over it. She's clearly communicated she doesn't want to be with you. You're young, there'll be plenty of other women in your life. You don't really know what the 'one' is because you've only dated one girl. Like jay z says, you gotta brush that dirt off your shoulder. Improve yourself, keep your dignity, move on. I'm 39 and my first bad break up was when I was 16. I thought it was the end of the world. Now I look back at all my relationships as learning experiences.
Author NeverHurtSoMuch Posted July 6, 2015 Author Posted July 6, 2015 It sucks because all I want to do is talk to her about what's making me sad, and I can't because she's the one making me sad. I know she doesn't care too, which is shattering my heart
Learningtowalkagain Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 It sucks because all I want to do is talk to her about what's making me sad, and I can't because she's the one making me sad. I know she doesn't care too, which is shattering my heart Find another support system, friends, family, a counselor. Don't use any of her friends as a support system, big no no. You're making yourself less attractive to her by appearing so needy. If you're sad, let it out here, this is a great place for support. Go to the gym. Find a punching bag. There's nothing you're going to say to win her back, you're only going to push her further away...and she's pretty far away right now. If you haven't already watch Swingers, great guy movie, he goes through a lot of the emotions we go through when we break up with a girl.
Author NeverHurtSoMuch Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 Find another support system, friends, family, a counselor. Don't use any of her friends as a support system, big no no. You're making yourself less attractive to her by appearing so needy. If you're sad, let it out here, this is a great place for support. Go to the gym. Find a punching bag. There's nothing you're going to say to win her back, you're only going to push her further away...and she's pretty far away right now. If you haven't already watch Swingers, great guy movie, he goes through a lot of the emotions we go through when we break up with a girl. Thanks for all the responses man... my friends don't really want to talk about it for more than 5 minutes and even then its just "sack up." To be fair, I would have said the same to many of my friends before this breakup. Do you think she would have come back if I hadn't shown myself as needy to her after the breakup?
Male3133 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Ok - here goes young man. Everyone goes through this... I realize that gives no comfort but realize you are not alone. I dated a girl and was crazy about her and we had a great relationship. All the time - best friends - she was a sweetheart, etc. She kept pushing me away like your situation. I later found out it was because she felt bad about her relationship with me - it was about her sexuality - which was great but she was a "good girl" and this made her feel bad about herself. So she was into us then feeling distant and bad, then feeling regret because we were great together, then bad again.... etc. So there might be sometime about your relationship that she both loves and hates. This girl kept loving and hating our relationship That's pretty normal I think... Me - I believed her when she dumped me - and then I saw a real cute girl at work - at a client - and I violated all kinds of policies and just asked her out. WTF why not just move forward. Now realize I was no stud and didn't date much, but I realized the girlfriend had moved on and I knew the next best thing was to meet someone new. Long story short - the new girl and I had a lot of fun - I was TOTALLY UPFRONT - said I had been in a relationship and it was rocky, we had broken up, and I ONLY wanted a friend to hang with and nothing would come of it - she agreed but of course got way more attached. So I guess I did a 180 naturally - girlfriend came crawling back (fortunately she didn't drop by unannounced like she wanted to when she was drunk) - and I dumped the new girl and ended up married. dated 6 years married 26 years. So move on - and maybe - a WAY outside chance - you will get back. If not, you will find someone cute and fun and be better off anyway. Good luck dude.
Author NeverHurtSoMuch Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 i talked to one of our good mutual friends today, and she said that my ex is not feeling sad about the breakup and thinks that my attempts to contact her have been "unfair" as they make her feel sad and bad about the breakup... I'm going on vacation with my family August 10th, and I plan on sending her one last "goodbye, thank you for the memories" letter right before I leave. Is this a good idea?
Male3133 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 i talked to one of our good mutual friends today, and she said that my ex is not feeling sad about the breakup and thinks that my attempts to contact her have been "unfair" as they make her feel sad and bad about the breakup... I'm going on vacation with my family August 10th, and I plan on sending her one last "goodbye, thank you for the memories" letter right before I leave. Is this a good idea? I think you know the answer, which is no. She's done and wants no more contact. How you feel really isn't something she wants to know and it won't really help you to tell her because it will drag it all back up for you and you will romanticize it and get sucked back in. Then it sucks for both you and her. Figure that pretty much all relationships could be summarized in the same heartfelt letter - yours isn't unique probably. Leave it alone and let it scab over. If you have to - and I wouldn't - write it and let it sit a day then throw it away or better yet burn it. You will have put it down on paper and can let it go.
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