How to cope when your partner's first language is different than yours?? Causing rift

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sounds like Eastern European language

[Haydn]

Beszél magyarul?

[Els]

I honestly don't think I could be in a happy R with someone whose 'best language' ('first language' is quite misleading because it is automatically assumed based on nationality/ethnicity, which isn't always accurate) isn't the same as mine. Verbal communication is a big part of being able to just 'get' each other, IMO. The little nuances, subtleties, humour... it just isn't the same if the other person isn't as immersed in the language as you are.

 

Fortunately or unfortunately for me, my 'best language' is English despite being raised in a country with a different first language (and being of an ethnicity with yet another different first language). That made it very difficult for me to connect with the majority of guys in my homeland, but it was also beneficial in that it automatically filtered out guys who weren't compatible culture-wise.

 

IMO, the issue in your case is that he would rather date someone who shares HIS first/best language. He's just making it about him feeling incompetent in the English language to try and let you down easy, I'm afraid. I really don't think the issue is about him needing to practice his English more at all (and even then he will never truly 'think' in English, if he's the sort of person to think in words).

Edited July 6, 2015 by Elswyth

[joseb]

I'm pretty sure I've figured out where you are living and where you are from. But I wont divulge

If I'm right, a good friend of mine lived there and married a local girl. The relationship was good initially but after a while his inability to speak more than a few words of the language meant that although he could converse fine in english with a lot of her friends, he did miss out on a lot of stuff.

So it can be a bit of a problem. But I honestly think it was more about culture than language that cause them to separate.

[yxalitis]

I think telling you this is too many details to make me comfortable ;-) But suffice to say it is not an easily-learned romance language like french, italian, or spanish. It has no resemblance to english. It has a different alphabet and the language itself is a very old one with unique and interesting nuances. Please don't take guesses here on what it is because I'd prefer not to confirm or deny, but just take my word for it that it's not one of the easier ones to learn.

 

I love learning it and learning about it, but despite my being here a while, I still havent mastered it (part of that is my fault-- i didn't try enough because i can get away by speaking English and my second language here pretty well). My second language happens to be very widely spoken here (kind of like how spanish is very widely spoken in America or French is widely spoken in Canada). Between english and my second language, i got a bit lazy and haven't learned the national language here (the one he speaks natively) as much as I should have. C'est la vie, eh?

Oh, so it's Asian...

[yxalitis]

I'm pretty sure I've figured out where you are living and where you are from. But I wont divulge

If I'm right, a good friend of mine lived there and married a local girl. The relationship was good initially but after a while his inability to speak more than a few words of the language meant that although he could converse fine in english with a lot of her friends, he did miss out on a lot of stuff.

So it can be a bit of a problem. But I honestly think it was more about culture than language that cause them to separate.

 

We aren't talking about "a few words of the language" here, he is highly proficient in English.

[joseb]

We aren't talking about "a few words of the language" here, he is highly proficient in English.

 

I was referring to the fact that the OP only speak a few words of his language.

My friend was in the OP's position.

Edited July 6, 2015 by joseb

[SammySammy]

Oh, so it's Asian...

 

That's what I was thinking. I don't see the harm in telling us. It's not like we're going to show up at her house for dinner.

[yxalitis]

You know what...it doesn't matter if the guy is making an excuse over the language, or he is being genuine.

He wants out, he isn't happy, he wants to break up.

After a three hour talk, he still feels this way.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he has made his mind up, so the reasons don't matter: language, not into you, whatever.

You can argue and fight and chase him, but I think the best thing is to let him go...

See if he comes back...

That will tell you more than any words in any language.

[ToThinkIs]

We aren't talking about "a few words of the language" here, he is highly proficient in English.

 

He is extremely proficient in English. As I said-- his written english would have you believe he's nearly a native. He just has a big insecurity about emotionally expressing himself fully, being humorous/funny/sarcastic in, or cultural nuances in English verbally. He is the type of guy who is a bit closed off and not very easy to get to be emotional verbally in general-- add to it his insecurity regarding the fact that he is not mother tongue English level and it compounds the issue. People here who are very educated take knowing a second language very seriously-- they are not content with basic conversational skills.

 

he's been trying this week a bit more, I think. But it's still going to take some work to make him believe this is a workable issue.

[ToThinkIs]

I was referring to the fact that the OP only speak a few words of his language.

My friend was in the OP's position.

 

Im not sure he's as concerned with my inability to fit in with the culture here. There are a lot of expats here. His immediately family all speak English well. His friends all speak english. I dont think that's the MAIN problem. The problem mostly lies in his own innner insecurity about this issue I think. At least this is how it's being expressed to me.

 

I havent met most people he knows yet because we havent been dating that long, so I dont think it has anything to do with them. I think he's comparing the fact that he previously dated an English-speaker and had difficulty connecting with her after a year of dating, and he's being paranoid the same thing will happen here and that he'll waste another year on something that won't go anywhere, even though he acknowledges I am "different" and he feels more for me.

[ToThinkIs]

You know what...it doesn't matter if the guy is making an excuse over the language, or he is being genuine.

He wants out, he isn't happy, he wants to break up.

After a three hour talk, he still feels this way.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he has made his mind up, so the reasons don't matter: language, not into you, whatever.

You can argue and fight and chase him, but I think the best thing is to let him go...

See if he comes back...

That will tell you more than any words in any language.

 

After a three hour conversation he did not leave....we are still together and actually had a really good weekend together. I can see he's making more of an effort to try to talk, make jokes, etc. Even when I'm not 100% understanding what he meant or whatever, I make an effort to show interest in what he's saying so he sees its not bothering me that he makes mistakes or isnt on point with every detail. I dont know. I hope its working. Everything else seemed to be back to normal , interaction-wise. What I really want is for him to feel less nervous about speaking with me. That he doesnt have to think so hard about it. That it will get easier with time, which it will....the guy has a great base. I just want him to be at peace with the organic progression of this relationship without worrying if he's not properly expressing every thought that goes through his head.

[joseb]

 

I think he's comparing the fact that he previously dated an English-speaker and had difficulty connecting with her after a year of dating, and he's being paranoid the same thing will happen here and that he'll waste another year on something that won't go anywhere, even though he acknowledges I am "different" and he feels more for me.

 

It sounds like this might be significant. Just reiterate that you are not his ex!

 

I hope things work out for you.