Divorce or further commitment?

[Married 4 Years]

Hi Everybody,

 

Before I ask my question, let me tell you the background of our relationship.

 

I have been married for 4 years now. After marriage I have lived with my husband for 8 months after our marriage, and then started our long-distance married life. The long-distance relationship was because he always had a job in a city, where he could not take me as he could not never afford to sustain both of us.

 

When we lived together for 8 months of our married life, he was miserable in his job and I could see that. So, when he moved out of the city for a better job, I was okay with it. Then he got another job, in another country, where he has been for almost two years, and we are not living together as he can’t afford to sustain both of us.

 

We have had problems right from the beginning in our relationship. However, we still held on to each other. Once I even went to the lawyer and almost initiated the divorce process, however, after 22 days of cutting contact with him, he started sending me all emotional messages that how much I meant to him and he needs one chance.

 

Every time, something like this happens, when I lose complete faith in him, he becomes all loving and emotional and starts making promises and I give in.

 

However, over these 4 years, I have become numb. I don’t care for him as much I used to, same goes for love. I am used to living alone. Currently, he visits me every 4-6 months and then I am never first on his priority list. He will give preference to his sister, her children, even his old relatives. Before marriage, he used to visit his relatives once in 2 years. But, now he visits them every time he is in the country.

 

So, out of 20 days he is visiting once in a six months, he spends max 10 days with me.

 

Now, I am planning to buy an apartment, a bigger one which will need both of us to take a loan that will last for 10 years. I am scared, because he has never put me first as his priority, and I am scared because I have no trust in him or much love for him. He has promised, that if we separate he will put the apartment on my name.

 

I am not an angel, but there are major issues in our relationship:

• He is always complaining for the smallest things, which sometimes turn into a big fight.

• He uses my personal family issues and psychoanalyzes me in creative ways to hurt me.

• He will become emotional and say that he will do anything for me and trying his best so that we can live together, however, when he is in a clear mental state he will say his career is the most important thing to him.

• I have to beg to him for him to take me on a date, and other things which really is undignified.

• He cannot manage his money and has commitment issues.

• In these four years, only 3 months he has financially supported me, otherwise, I have a strong sense of independence and always take care of myself financially and emotionally.

• I have never cheated on him, and I don’t think he has cheated on me.

• We have a gap of 11 years. I am 29, he is 40.

• There are many other issues.

 

The gist is I also have problems and I am not an angel, but I have become quite numb and used to living alone.

 

Do you think it would be better to get a divorce and start my life fresh, and do you think as of now I should not make the huge commitment of buying an apartment with him? Please advice.

[cerridwen]

You realize you've made an extremely strong case for divorce, right?

You created a laundry list of negative aspects of the marriage, all of which are concerning, granted.

This tells me divorce is something you DO really want.

You're just second guessing yourself, I suppose.

 

Here's the thing:

It's your one life.

ONE life/

Shouldn't you be living it as you hope to?

Do you honestly see yourself trudging through the next decade in the unhappy and unfulfilling marriage for the sake of a MORTGAGE?

 

It's a terrible idea to keep investing, especially financially.

Give yourself permission to be okay with wanting a different life.

[sandylee1]

DO NOT take out a loan with him.

 

This isn't what marriage is meant to be.

 

He has made it clear you aren't his priority over and over .

Why can't he get a job where you live?

If his job is such that it is sought in other countries, I would think he should be able to support you both.

 

Having said that I don't think you should live with him. The marriage is dead and I think you were right to consider divorce. With no children, it will be much easier for you.

[justwhoiam]

Divorce or further commitment?

Where are you both? What is your culture? Do you share the same culture/upbringing? Do you come from the same country/descent?

 

The long-distance relationship was because he always had a job in a city, where he could not take me as he could not never afford to sustain both of us.

And didn't you know about that before marrying him? Did you accept that willingly?

 

When we lived together for 8 months of our married life, he was miserable in his job and I could see that. So, when he moved out of the city for a better job, I was okay with it.

That just screams bad planning.

 

1. Are you willing to relocate?

2. Are you willing to find a new job and live where he's currently at?

3. Is he willing to relocate to a third destination, where you can both work and live?

 

after 22 days of cutting contact with him, he started sending me all emotional messages that how much I meant to him and he needs one chance.

This is not clear. Was he trying to get in touch with you during those 22 days? And how frequently?

 

he visits me every 4-6 months and then I am never first on his priority list. He will give preference to his sister, her children, even his old relatives. Before marriage, he used to visit his relatives once in 2 years. But, now he visits them every time he is in the country.

 

So, out of 20 days he is visiting once in a six months, he spends max 10 days with me.

Do you know why this happens? Because he's free to manage his own time as he likes. You should have something to do every day, from day 1 to day 20, so that he has no way out. And he wouldn't even be able to argue about that because, this is just pure logic, if he doesn't involve you in his decisions, I see no reason why you should involve him in your decisions. I guess you checked out a long while ago, if you didn't even mind about this state of things. And I know this is not ideal nor loving, but he needs to learn lessons he never learned. He's 40, and lives like a bachelor. He can't really do that being married.

 

He has promised, that if we separate he will put the apartment on my name.

This is not a thing to do when you separate, this is a deal you need to set up BEFORE you separate. Because, after, he can just play oblivious or just say that things have changed, or it's a bad moment and he will draw back. Think about it. You are not living together, because he can't afford supporting you. How do you think he'd commit to paying a mortgage every month for 10 years?

 

He is always complaining for the smallest things, which sometimes turn into a big fight.

While being apart from each other?

He uses my personal family issues and psychoanalyzes me in creative ways to hurt me.

You need to explain this, because it's unclear what you mean by that. Examples please.

he will say his career is the most important thing to him.

Wasn't that a good enough reason not to marry him? Isn't that a good enough reason to let him go?

I have to beg to him for him to take me on a date, and other things which really is undignified.

What other things? Most husbands don't take their wives on dates. Even though I don't think anyone should follow their example, that alone is not a good reason to divorce a husband (nevertheless, I understand where you come from having a LDR with your husband).

He cannot manage his money

What do you mean by that? Part of his money seems to end up in a black hole? Does he gamble? He might use money for sex too...

 

has commitment issues.

How do you mean? He married you...

 

There are many other issues.

We're not mind readers.

 

I also have problems

Which are?

 

Do you think it would be better to get a divorce and start my life fresh

Too many elements are missing from the picture. Also, if you didn't agree to living separately when you married him, you could just tell him to come back, or you will sue him for leaving home. Keep the letter, so that you can use it as a proof, along with the fact that he didn't come home (I doubt he would).

 

do you think as of now I should not make the huge commitment of buying an apartment with him? Please advice.

If you're currently living in an apartment that is owned by both, you could just let him sign papers that are meant to give you his part of the apartment, so that it becomes entirely yours. If it's entirely his, do the same, so that it's entirely yours. If you already own 100% of the property, then you should at least let him pay half of everything for 4 years (half of any bill, etc.). If you're currently renting the apartment, he should pay half of everything for the last 4 years, rent included.

 

Avoid signing up for a mortgage with him.

[d0nnivain]

Your marriage is falling apart because neither of you do anything to nurture it. You need to find a way to live under the same roof. You need to do whatever it takes (short of a loan) to live together before you simply divorce.