Why do we care when our ex moves on when we don't want them back?

July 7, 2015

Wow this thread really hits me. My ex is the exact same way. A beautiful disaster. She had insecurities through the roof along with a list of personality disorders. A girl like this will give you a roller coaster ride but its typically short and will leave you scared. When she realized i wasent the answer to all her problems she broke it off and was on to the next guy right away. She had a huge fear of being alone. Almost every minute i was not with her it seemed like it was my fault. I couldnt do enough to keep her happy. All in all my heart still aches for her but my brain is shoving logic in my face. Thanks for the share man

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad to hear similar stories as mine. I knew early on (first few months) it probably wasn't going to work but damn if I didn't try anyway. Nothing was ever enough. It pains me she's with another guy now but it's been 6 months since our bu...I'm just glad it ended on mutual terms and she didn't immediately jump into something else with another guy. People who do that have issues.

We work together but she's only in the office z few days a week and our office is huge. Saw he car in the parking lot when I was walking in...really hope I don't run into her today.

July 8, 2015

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad to hear similar stories as mine. I knew early on (first few months) it probably wasn't going to work but damn if I didn't try anyway. Nothing was ever enough. It pains me she's with another guy now but it's been 6 months since our bu...I'm just glad it ended on mutual terms and she didn't immediately jump into something else with another guy. People who do that have issues.

We work together but she's only in the office z few days a week and our office is huge. Saw he car in the parking lot when I was walking in...really hope I don't run into her today.

Yeah. That's not indifferent. I'd say you are in the "I'm learning to live with it" stage, which is followed by:

"I'm past it, but I'm not crazy about it and it still hurts"
"I'm over it, but it still stings sometimes"
"I'm fine with it"
Indifference
"Whew! This new girl is 100 times better"

July 8, 2015

Yeah. That's not indifferent. I'd say you are in the "I'm learning to live with it" stage, which is followed by:

"I'm past it, but I'm not crazy about it and it still hurts"
"I'm over it, but it still stings sometimes"
"I'm fine with it"
Indifference
"Whew! This new girl is 100 times better"

I'm in the first part.

been keeping busy so my minds off her. I don't want to be with her in any capacity so I'm baffled by the pain I'm feeling. I'm seeing a therapist just to get some insight. My friends just say it's because I'm not with anyone else and if say that's partially true but she's so wacko I don't know why this is bothering me.

July 8, 2015

I'm in the first part.

been keeping busy so my minds off her. I don't want to be with her in any capacity so I'm baffled by the pain I'm feeling. I'm seeing a therapist just to get some insight. My friends just say it's because I'm not with anyone else and if say that's partially true but she's so wacko I don't know why this is bothering me.

I wouldn't let that bother you so much. I think that the feeling of having lost a friend, of maybe betrayal, of all these negative things are not the kinds of things you can ever look back on with sentimental fondness, even though your relationship with your ex might be seen that way one day. I think in that respect, the negative feelings are stronger, and most recent, and they will linger longer as a result. and that's perfectly natural.

You just need to let that pain wash through you, lest it never go away. You're well on your way to never thinking about it.

Good luck!

July 8, 2015

I wouldn't let that bother you so much. I think that the feeling of having lost a friend, of maybe betrayal, of all these negative things are not the kinds of things you can ever look back on with sentimental fondness, even though your relationship with your ex might be seen that way one day. I think in that respect, the negative feelings are stronger, and most recent, and they will linger longer as a result. and that's perfectly natural.

You just need to let that pain wash through you, lest it never go away. You're well on your way to never thinking about it.

Good luck!

Thanks for your insight

Therapist broke it down like this: I don't have control over the situation any more and my brain doesn't know how to process it. He says it has nothing to do with my OCD. I had to do a little convincing that I really don't want to pursue a relationship with this girl any longer, after I broke it down for him he agreed and understood. He said my problem is letting go. I know in my brain and in my heart I don't want to be this girl yet I just can't let go.

July 9, 2015

None of us know how to just let go. We learn to do that each and every time, and how long we hang on is a function of how much we were invested in the thing we can't have. You'll figure it out.

I'm going to award your therapist a rousing DUH! for that explanation.

July 9, 2015

None of us know how to just let go. We learn to do that each and every time, and how long we hang on is a function of how much we were invested in the thing we can't have. You'll figure it out.

I'm going to award your therapist a rousing DUH! for that explanation.

haha

He's a psychiatrist and I saw him for meds but started talking to him about this situation since he's trained as a psychologist too. It was a brief 10 minute conversation. He told me to start a journal until I could see the regular therapist. He said it'll give me a head start to walk into the session with and if I stick to writing in the journal eventually I'll view it as a chore and give up. I'm through 7 pages right now.

She's not the thing I can't have. I don't want her. I could have reconciled over the past 6 months. She gave me a ton of opportunities and I didn't take her up on any of them.

Writing in the journal helped me sort out some of my feelings. Part of the reason this is hard is because when we started off I had never been that elated and happy with someone. I knew a few months in it was never going to work but I stuck it out. I did love her, I'm not in denial about that. But I knew all along long term she wasn't the answer. I'm sure she's going to have the same problem with her new b/f. I only say that because friends of hers tell me she has the same problems with every guy she's ever dated. That was before we started dating.

I keep searching for answers as to why I feel this way. It's driving me insane thinking about it. I just want this feeling to go away so I can move on.

July 13, 2015

I think we are hard wired that way. Even when we don't want our ex back we still don't want them to be with anyone else! Anddddd EGO!!! I always hope that I find someone before they do.

Also your ex seems cray crazy I hear about all of the lovely things you did for her. But what did she do for you exactly? Except make you exhausted it would seem.

July 14, 2015

I think we are hard wired that way. Even when we don't want our ex back we still don't want them to be with anyone else! Anddddd EGO!!! I always hope that I find someone before they do.

Also your ex seems cray crazy I hear about all of the lovely things you did for her. But what did she do for you exactly? Except make you exhausted it would seem.

My friend broke my ego down for me today and the winning/losing aspect (she won because she's happy first). I see all of that. Every person I talk to about this reinforces the same thing: You're better off without her. She filled a need in my life, the beginning of the relationship was unreal, sex was unbelievable, and attraction level was off the charts. Shallow but the comments I'd get from people about her looks would make me feel good. Not like I haven't been with pretty girls before where I got compliments it's just we hit it off so good I figured she might be different.

She did nice things for me but not to the extent I did them for her. The exhausted part is so accurate. I told her a few months in she was like having a second job. I'd ask my friends who are girls (she wouldn't let me have friends that were girls so these convos were in secret) if the stuff she'd say was normal and they'd say no she's nuts.

July 14, 2015

I told her a few months in she was like having a second job. I'd ask my friends who are girls (she wouldn't let me have friends that were girls so these convos were in secret) if the stuff she'd say was normal and they'd say no she's nuts.

No one needs that. People have their own stuff to worry about let alone someone else's. Good thing you are rid of her. The reason you needed to ask those girls if it were "normal" was because you knew it wasn't.

I was guilty of making excuses all the time for the way my ex acted. I felt like such a pushover doing that too. I knew in my heart the way she acted was pure bitch.

July 14, 2015

Most of your posts have to do with your sexual attraction and physical connection.

You just said so yourself "in the beginning..." It was great. It's always great in the beginning. A new body. Pleasing someone. Adrenaline. That high. I never met this chic but seems like you are better off without her. You should be allowed to have friends whether it be male or female. And this is coming from a female perspective.

July 14, 2015

Most of your posts have to do with your sexual attraction and physical connection.

You just said so yourself "in the beginning..." It was great. It's always great in the beginning. A new body. Pleasing someone. Adrenaline. That high. I never met this chic but seems like you are better off without her. You should be allowed to have friends whether it be male or female. And this is coming from a female perspective.

We had an emotional connection too, a great one. The problem is she would compete for my affection with my daughter. That was pretty much the end all be all of the relationship. I tolerated the jealousy, insecurity, neediness etc. because I truly loved her at one point and thought we could work through these issues (as exhausting as they were), but once she started competing with my daughter I lost it.

July 14, 2015

That sounds like a deal breaker for sure. i don't know you but I'm proud that you're such a loving dad. What type of insecure woman needs to compete with a child? She's got some issues that probably stem from her childhood. Consider this a blessing in disguise

August 25, 2015

So I moved on big time from when I started this thread. A lot of you played a role in that and I'd like to say thank you. I've been on a few dates, have a FWB. Hooked up with another girl. It's going well. Don't think about her anymore.

Today our mutual friend says my ex textd her out of the blue. I don't inquire about my ex as I don't care because I went strict NC but sometimes people volunteer information. Sometimes I listen sometimes I don't. This time I'm glad I listened. She's never text'd this girl before. My ex said she deleted her fb profile because her and her new bf are having problems (that's what she did when we were breaking up too). She said she's feeling neglected. Basically same issues we were having she's having with her new bf. Nothing is ever enough.

She's BPD. So that should explain a lot of this.

So here's what I offer to anyone who's going through a break up or having feelings of regret. I thought maybe she was more compatible with someone else and maybe I didn't do enough. Know this, the issues your ex had with you they're going to have with someone else. Sometimes that someone else can tolerate them but for the most part a zebra doesn't change their stripes. In her case I bent over backwards to show her affection and nothing was ever enough. She moved on, and is now having the same issues. I missed the relationship, companionship and physical attraction more than I do her. Please take those things into account when you're going through a break up.

I know a lot of your feelings are clouted because break ups are hard but I'm proof you'll make it out alive and better off as long as you work on you. Stick to NC no matter how hard it is, go to the gym, read some self help books, seek therapy, try something new. All these things helped me big time.

Good luck to you all I hope your healing goes well and for those of you who helped me through this I thank you again.

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Why do we care when our ex moves on when we don't want them back?

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