Why do we care when our ex moves on when we don't want them back?

July 5, 2015

Here's my story if anyone wants to take the time to read it:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/536023-looking-little-encouragement-words-wisdom-move

Over the last few days I've been assessing the situation with my ex and really concentrating on all her bad traits, and there were a ton. I knew she wasn't the right one for me. There was nothing I could do to make her happy. The split was 100% mutual. Really never wanted her back over the past 6 months, still wouldn't get back together with her if she wanted to...so why does it hurt to see her with someone else?

On the surface I thought it was me being shallow because she's very attractive. Looking deeper I do miss her company because she was a fun girl to be around. But the other stuff (jealous of my daughter, over needy, extremely insecure, could never make her happy) I constantly remind myself and reinforce I would never be happy with her. I thank myself every day that I didn't get her pregnant. So why does it hurt so much to see her with someone else? Is it as simple as I still have feelings for her (I do). Or is it something else? I'm strict NC, deleted all texts, phone number, photos, blocked her on FB. So I'm starting the healing process.

July 5, 2015

Imo I think it's because you still have feelings .. I look at my exs from years ago and now I couldn't care less.. But if I saw my now ex with someone I'd be devastated seeing how it's only be 3 months .. So yes I think it's because the feelings are still there

July 5, 2015

Just because you mutually broke up with her and don't want her back doesn't mean you've reached indifference.

I think most ex's feel that way when they see somebody they loved/cared about with somebody else unless they are fully over them or with somebody else themselves.

My best mate got his heart broken by his ex, she went to somebody else first, it killed him, but he eventually found somebody else and his ex came running back saying how much it hurt to see him with somebody else even though SHE chose to end it!

The feeling will pass, stay strong

July 5, 2015

Learningtowalkagain,

I think we all do this because we have the fear that they will be better with someone else.

This may help ;-

The Dreaded Fear They're Going to Be Better for Someone Else - ChumpLady.com

July 5, 2015

There is no shovel big enough to bury the hole left by feelings that still exist...

Constantly reminding yourself is not an act of healing. It is an act of deflection. You hurt because you truly cared and loved her, and you still are holding some of those feelings. Seeing her with someone else is triggering those suppressed feelings...

July 5, 2015

There is no shovel big enough to bury the hole left by feelings that still exist...

Constantly reminding yourself is not an act of healing. It is an act of deflection. You hurt because you truly cared and loved her, and you still are holding some of those feelings. Seeing her with someone else is triggering those suppressed feelings...

This is partially true but the last 4 months of our relationship I was as miserable as I had ever been in my life. I tried breaking up with her on 4 separate occasions but there was always something (an event, her sisters wedding, she'd act normal again and I'd think she changed...sex was great) that drew me back in.

And yes I did truly care and love her, I want nothing to do with her at this point and broke all ties...but there's no bitterness in me towards her. She has issues but at her centers she's a decent person with some deep issues.

I was thinking back to my past relationships, and maybe this is just the way I am, but no matter how miserable I was, I was always upset once it ended. With her I felt like a huge burden was lifted. I felt free again. I've dated and had sex with other women since we've split. I bought a house, I devoted myself to the gym and am in the best shape I've been in 10 years.

So maybe it's as simple as I know she's with someone else and I don't have that yet?

July 5, 2015

Arieswoman i find it interesting because i honestly dont have that fear, i know my ex gave me her all and was the best she could be in all aspects, but seeing her move on hurt a heck of a lot, i think it may have been more the, i dont know if il get that kind of love etc again or she will treat him how she treated me and i thought we were special syndrome, first love may also have a say in it too.

July 5, 2015

This is partially true but the last 4 months of our relationship I was as miserable as I had ever been in my life. I tried breaking up with her on 4 separate occasions but there was always something (an event, her sisters wedding, she'd act normal again and I'd think she changed...sex was great) that drew me back in.

And yes I did truly care and love her, I want nothing to do with her at this point and broke all ties...but there's no bitterness in me towards her. She has issues but at her centers she's a decent person with some deep issues.

I was thinking back to my past relationships, and maybe this is just the way I am, but no matter how miserable I was, I was always upset once it ended. With her I felt like a huge burden was lifted. I felt free again. I've dated and had sex with other women since we've split. I bought a house, I devoted myself to the gym and am in the best shape I've been in 10 years.

So maybe it's as simple as I know she's with someone else and I don't have that yet?

Could be that, could be that you're wondering if she will be what you wanted with the new guy, could be you're a little lonely, could be you're afraid of not finding a click again with someone, etc. All of those feelings are normal.

What I'm kind of focusing on is you've been dating other women, yet you have not found someone. Have you asked yourself why?

July 5, 2015

Just remember that she is who she is and she's not going to change those aspects of her that you had a problem with. Someone else may come along that is willing to tolerate and accept those deficiencies. She was attractive and sex was great. This sounds a lot like my ex because I was frustrated at the end so the break up initially wasn't that hard, but missed her a lot down the road. Like you, I missed the companionship and the physicality with her and we got a long great and I did fall in love with her. We always got along great, but it now is looked at as a relationship that had a lot of great times that was never going to go anywhere long term. I also had a problem knowing she started dated again and I was too, but I wanted to be in a relationship with someone seriously before her. I felt I needed someone to get over her. I still feel that once I am in a relationship again, that most all thoughts of her will start to dissipate, but I've been at the point for a while now where I don't constantly have thoughts of us ever together again because she will never change.

July 5, 2015

Could be that, could be that you're wondering if she will be what you wanted with the new guy, could be you're a little lonely, could be you're afraid of not finding a click again with someone, etc. All of those feelings are normal.

What I'm kind of focusing on is you've been dating other women, yet you have not found someone. Have you asked yourself why?

The first part yes to all those things. Those emotions I feel.

The second part:

I dated one girl, liked her but not enough to devote myself to her. I was focused on doing my own thing (daughter, new house to renovate, gym). I'm not ready for a new relationship at this point either. But bottom line is she just didn't do it for me.

I hook up with a girl who I've known for years, it's sex and nothing more. We're both content with it. It'll never be anything beyond that.

July 5, 2015

Just remember that she is who she is and she's not going to change those aspects of her that you had a problem with. Someone else may come along that is willing to tolerate and accept those deficiencies. She was attractive and sex was great. This sounds a lot like my ex because I was frustrated at the end so the break up initially wasn't that hard, but missed her a lot down the road. Like you, I missed the companionship and the physicality with her and we got a long great and I did fall in love with her. We always got along great, but it now is looked at as a relationship that had a lot of great times that was never going to go anywhere long term. I also had a problem knowing she started dated again and I was too, but I wanted to be in a relationship with someone seriously before her. I felt I needed someone to get over her. I still feel that once I am in a relationship again, that most all thoughts of her will start to dissipate, but I've been at the point for a while now where I don't constantly have thoughts of us ever together again because she will never change.

This is pretty much the way I feel...like you read my mind. I guess another issue is with her the first 3 months I was on cloud 9, never felt that way about a girl...or maybe I had but it had been years.

July 5, 2015

I think most people would feel exactly the way you do. Guys are competitive and hate to lose. When the ex jumps into a relationship before us, it rubs us the wrong way. WE want to be the one to fall in love first after a brutal break up.

Sure, there's the component of you maybe our a bit lonely and haven't met someone yet that rocks your world. I'm sure it's a combination of those things.

In time and NC, you'll reach serious indifference about her. You'll met someone you really dig and be focused on her, not your past. I know after 2+ years away from my last ex (who I really loved) I could run into her and he BF (if she has one) and not care at all. I wish her luck and do want her to be happy in her life. I'll also be honest and think to myself "good luck with her Pal"..

July 5, 2015

This is pretty much the way I feel...like you read my mind. I guess another issue is with her the first 3 months I was on cloud 9, never felt that way about a girl...or maybe I had but it had been years.

Yours is extremely similar to what I went through.

"the first 3 months I was on cloud 9, never felt that way about a girl...or maybe I had but it had been years"

This could have been me writing this. I had not been in a relationship in a very long time and we met and things took off very fast. My friends warned me to slow down, but we couldn't. It was very passionate the first 4 months. A lot of passionate and exciting sex. We always couldn't stop kissing each other and communicated and saw each other all the time. It was the most fun i have had with woman that I can ever remember.

It's over. I'm looking for a relationship and have learned to take it a little slower in the beginning. I still am yearning for that chemistry. That physical spark, but have not yet found it. It's very hard because she was so attractive in my eyes and the chemistry off the charts, but guess what? She is not what I truly desire for a long term relationship. We had a really really good time and I have almost accepted that as it is what is 100%, but I still miss hanging with her and even just joking back and forth on the phone. She was very witty, just like me. I learned afterwards how many narcissistic qualities she posses.

Time will help as it has me. Just the further away to you get, the better it does get. The memories do not go away, but she no longer consumes my thoughts. logic is well ahead of the heart at this point and it took a while.

July 6, 2015

one word: EGO.

July 6, 2015

I think, in my case, I know now that he's a terrible person and not "the one", but those sweet and tender moments from the honeymoon phase of our relationship play over in my mind and it's hard to imagine him doing those things with other women. My ex was with another woman in the same place we met each other last weekend, holding hands and dancing. It killed me. I also wonder if he will be "better" for another woman, and why I wasn't enough for him to try. If you gave and sacrificed a lot in the relationship, seeing them be sweet and caring with other women can make your self esteem take a nosedive.

In the end, I know he's a tool and has to constantly have women around to feed his ego, and I'm glad I'm no longer one of his groupies. I think I just miss having a boyfriend. I never once wanted him back, but it still hurt to see him with others.

July 6, 2015

Yours is extremely similar to what I went through.

"the first 3 months I was on cloud 9, never felt that way about a girl...or maybe I had but it had been years"

This could have been me writing this. I had not been in a relationship in a very long time and we met and things took off very fast. My friends warned me to slow down, but we couldn't. It was very passionate the first 4 months. A lot of passionate and exciting sex. We always couldn't stop kissing each other and communicated and saw each other all the time. It was the most fun i have had with woman that I can ever remember.

Our situations are remarkably similar. I had been about 2 years since my last serious relationship when her and I got together. We took off fast but it was what we both wanted. This is shallow but my friends and family would remark how beautiful she was and it made me feel great because I hadn't been with a girl like that in quite some time. I tried so hard to make it work with her. I didn't think I could give that much effort to any women.

The problem with her is no matter how much I communicated or saw her it was never enough. It seriously felt like a second job. I'd spend 4 straight days at her house and see her at work but I had to go home to get my daughter and she'd act like we hadn't seen each other in days and say I'm getting distant. Her friend told me (before we started dating and I was asking about her) she thinks the entire relationship should be like the first 3 months when you're both on cloud 9. It's a serious high to her almost like a drug. I tried balancing my life with her and my daughter but she just couldn't take there was someone more important than her. I wasn't allowed to have female friends.

I didn't solicit this info...as I said I'm really trying to not see/hear about/think about her...but a mutual work friend said she's already complaining about not seeing her new boyfriend enough. Not surprised in the least.

Part of my problem is I'm OCD so I have constant thoughts in my head whether I want to or not.

July 6, 2015

I think most people would feel exactly the way you do. Guys are competitive and hate to lose. When the ex jumps into a relationship before us, it rubs us the wrong way. WE want to be the one to fall in love first after a brutal break up.

Sure, there's the component of you maybe our a bit lonely and haven't met someone yet that rocks your world. I'm sure it's a combination of those things.

In time and NC, you'll reach serious indifference about her. You'll met someone you really dig and be focused on her, not your past. I know after 2+ years away from my last ex (who I really loved) I could run into her and he BF (if she has one) and not care at all. I wish her luck and do want her to be happy in her life. I'll also be honest and think to myself "good luck with her Pal"..

Thanks for the words of encouragement they're really appreciated.

The thing that baffles me is I already reached that indifference with her. I was content. Once I found out she had a new boyfriend it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wouldn't get back together with her if she was single. Sex and hanging out yes (she's not the type to have sex unless she's in a serious relationship so that was never an option) but anything beyond that no.

I even thought to myself on several occasions "I feel bad for the next guy she's with".

July 6, 2015

Well if you're so set on the fact that you are feeling indifferent then just consider this as a 'blip', a little set back so to say, stop dwelling on it, it will pass and you'll once again reach indifference where you said you were before you found out.

Have you been looking for somebody else yourself? Perhaps you're ready to find someone else aswell and stop yourself from worrying about her relationship status.

July 6, 2015

Well if you're so set on the fact that you are feeling indifferent then just consider this as a 'blip', a little set back so to say, stop dwelling on it, it will pass and you'll once again reach indifference where you said you were before you found out.

Have you been looking for somebody else yourself? Perhaps you're ready to find someone else aswell and stop yourself from worrying about her relationship status.

I've dated a little but nothing serious. I've been so busy with my daughter, my job and my new house that it has never been a priority.

Sorting my feelings out I'm thinking back over the last few months when we'd briefly communicate and I'd be reminded of the girl I fell in love with. Maybe in the back of my mind I thought she had changed...I don't know. I'm confused.

I know she can't help herself and had the same problems we had in her past relationships. I think about how miserable I was and my friends still joke about some of the **** she'd say and do. I caught her several times going through my Facebook and text messages, she'd ask crazy questions like if there was s bullet coming who would I save her or my daughter. I mean, that's not something you ask someone and obviously I'd save my daughter. The relationship was all we talked about.

July 6, 2015

The problem with her is no matter how much I communicated or saw her it was never enough. It seriously felt like a second job. I'd spend 4 straight days at her house and see her at work but I had to go home to get my daughter and she'd act like we hadn't seen each other in days and say I'm getting distant. Her friend told me (before we started dating and I was asking about her) she thinks the entire relationship should be like the first 3 months when you're both on cloud 9. It's a serious high to her almost like a drug. I tried balancing my life with her and my daughter but she just couldn't take there was someone more important than her. t.

Sorry to hijack this thread but your ex and my ex should totally get together. They would be perfect for each other. No matter how much time i spent with my ex it was never enough. No matter how much i talked with him it was never enough. He would also say i was distant. I mean we couldn't just sit and watch a bloody tv show together without him wanting to talk.

I have since realised he too expects the rs to stay at that initial high. But it cant be maintained. The rs changes into something else. And for that reason i dont see how any of his relationships will last for any long period.

I was upset at first but it was so much bloody work trying to sustain that i am relieved now. I also know that it is because he has issues and not me.

July 6, 2015

Sorry to hijack this thread but your ex and my ex should totally get together. They would be perfect for each other. No matter how much time i spent with my ex it was never enough. No matter how much i talked with him it was never enough. He would also say i was distant. I mean we couldn't just sit and watch a bloody tv show together without him wanting to talk.

I have since realised he too expects the rs to stay at that initial high. But it cant be maintained. The rs changes into something else. And for that reason i dont see how any of his relationships will last for any long period.

I was upset at first but it was so much bloody work trying to sustain that i am relieved now. I also know that it is because he has issues and not me.

They'd be perfect for each other. I'm surprised you lasted that long as a female. Needy women men will tolerate because there are other components to attraction we crave. A needy man to a women is like kryptonite to superman. I was needy as hell when I was younger. About 10 years ago I did some soul searching and am now the complete opposite.

And yeah...it's her issues that stem from childhood and not having her parents around. She expects her lover to fill those gaps which is impossible.

July 6, 2015

And yeah...it's her issues that stem from childhood and not having her parents around. She expects her lover to fill those gaps which is impossible.

Keep reminding yourself of his above. We've all had a significant ex with bags of emotional issues or mental heath problems. We can't fix them nor change them. Only they can do it and usually don't invest in doing so.

Our only option then is to move in a different direction towards someone who's emotionally healthy. Not many people will be compatible with these folks either.

There are so many posts of these situations where you or me or others have posted about a dysfunctional R/S we were in. The common theme of these emotionally or mentally damaged people is they can't be alone w/themselves, thus, they jump from one relationship to the next while never finding happiness. The reason is they are not happy with themselves and expect their partner to bring it to them. It's simply not possible.

I know I learned after my last damaged GF. When I started dating again, I dated a couple of women who also had bags of emotional issues. This time I listened to my gut and ejected them. I then found my current 2 year GF and it's also been an adjustment to NOT have all the drama, chaos, emotional outbursts and insanity. My mental health has never been better too.

July 6, 2015

Keep reminding yourself of his above. We've all had a significant ex with bags of emotional issues or mental heath problems. We can't fix them nor change them. Only they can do it and usually don't invest in doing so.

Our only option then is to move in a different direction towards someone who's emotionally healthy. Not many people will be compatible with these folks either.

There are so many posts of these situations where you or me or others have posted about a dysfunctional R/S we were in. The common theme of these emotionally or mentally damaged people is they can't be alone w/themselves, thus, they jump from one relationship to the next while never finding happiness. The reason is they are not happy with themselves and expect their partner to bring it to them. It's simply not possible.

I know I learned after my last damaged GF. When I started dating again, I dated a couple of women who also had bags of emotional issues. This time I listened to my gut and ejected them. I then found my current 2 year GF and it's also been an adjustment to NOT have all the drama, chaos, emotional outbursts and insanity. My mental health has never been better too.

I agree and thank you for the good advice. I recommended she see a therapist to deal with her issues but she was adamantly against it. In October I sought help through a friend who is a psychologist, she broke it down for me with her childhood and her needs and essentially said there's no pleasing her. I tried...hard. As hard as I have ever tried with anyone. And I was patient, and frustrated.

July 6, 2015

I honestly don't think you're as indifferent as you think you are. Once I reached that stage, it was like I'd suddenly woken up. Not only did I not mind if they were with someone, it was actually a relief if they had been trying to stay in touch.

You cannot be indifferent AND care about the outcome.

I think your inner conflict is that simple. Give it a little more time.

July 6, 2015

Wow this thread really hits me. My ex is the exact same way. A beautiful disaster. She had insecurities through the roof along with a list of personality disorders. A girl like this will give you a roller coaster ride but its typically short and will leave you scared. When she realized i wasent the answer to all her problems she broke it off and was on to the next guy right away. She had a huge fear of being alone. Almost every minute i was not with her it seemed like it was my fault. I couldnt do enough to keep her happy. All in all my heart still aches for her but my brain is shoving logic in my face. Thanks for the share man

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