NGC1300 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 Even if this is true, how is she going to know if you're "confident" outside of betraying yourself through stuttering and bumbling in her presence? One may be confident about themselves - where they're going in life - yet show little emotion, even act distant or indifferent. One may even be confident life isn't worth living!!! Such people will be deemed as "lacking confidence". So when one regurgitates "women are attracted to confidence", what they really mean is women are attracted to people who are generally outgoing, extraverted, and have a large social circle.
Redhead14 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 Even if this is true, how is she going to know if you're "confident" outside of betraying yourself through stuttering and bumbling in her presence? One may be confident about themselves - where they're going in life - yet show little emotion, even act distant or indifferent. One may even be confident life isn't worth living!!! Such people will be deemed as "lacking confidence". So when one regurgitates "women are attracted to confidence", what they really mean is women are attracted to people who are generally outgoing, extraverted, and have a large social circle. One may be confident about themselves yet show little emotion, even act distant or indifferent. If they show little emotion, act distant or indifferent, it's because they lack confidence. The confidence they think they have, is a "facade" for themselves. They are wearing a mask, even for themselves to disguise an underlying inability to express emotion or connect to someone. If they truly have confidence, they'll be able to express the emotions they have and allow themselves to become closer or not be apathetic. What they are "confident" about is that they don't want to be open. In order to be confident, a person needs to be able to own their emotions and be able to put themselves out there not squash them. Confidence isn't only about "where you're going in life", confidence is also about be self-assured as a person and comfortable with themselves. There is something that's making them uncomfortable if they act distant or show little emotion. They are shut down on some level. 1
Author NGC1300 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Posted July 5, 2015 (edited) If they show little emotion, act distant or indifferent, it's because they lack confidence. No, this is simply to marginalize people who don't fit the status quo. This is not to say acting distant or indifferent will be of any benefit in dating. Quite the opposite. But if we define confidence as belief in one's self, showing emotion has never been a prerequisite for this. Edited July 5, 2015 by NGC1300 2
Redhead14 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 (edited) No, this is simply to marginalize people who don't fit the status quo. This is not say acting distant or indifferent will be of any benefit in dating. Quite the opposite. But if we define confidence as belief in one's self, showing emotion has never been a prerequisite for this. Let's take the word confidence out of this. What people are attracted to is people who are themselves and being natural/comfortable to be around and with themselves. Being who they are on the outside as well as on the inside. When they do this, the attract people who are similar at least. If one is being unemotional and distant, they can't attract people who are looking for "confidence" because they can't get close enough to see that confidence. Unemotional and distant negates the confidence that they "want" to project. Edited July 5, 2015 by Redhead14
elaine567 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 Even if this is true, how is she going to know if you're "confident" outside of betraying yourself through stuttering and bumbling in her presence? Anyone who is "stuttering and bumbling" in the mere presence of a woman, is not truly confident, are they?
Author NGC1300 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Posted July 5, 2015 Anyone who is "stuttering and bumbling" in the mere presence of a woman, is not truly confident, are they? That's my point.
Author NGC1300 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Posted July 5, 2015 Let's take the word confidence out of this. What people are attracted to is people who are themselves and being natural/comfortable to be around and with themselves. Being who they are on the outside as well as on the inside. When they do this, the attract people who are similar at least. If one is being unemotional and distant, they can't attract people who are looking for "confidence" because they can't get close enough to see that confidence. Unemotional and distant negates the confidence that they "want" to project. I guess I agree with this.
preraph Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 I think the most basic way to tell if someone is confident is to see whether they are relaxed talking to you or other people. Also, if they fall apart easily and overthink every little thing. Like "she only texts me two times a day" or always grasping to make a rule about everything instead of just relaxing and seeing how it goes. Confidence is apparent in actions. Like hesitation in bed isn't confident. Hesitation asking someone out isn't confident. And confidence is also very apparent in body language. That's what I'm attracted to, a man with a bit of swagger or even just calm deliberation. Confidence isn't invisible. It's readily apparent to most people. 1
doeblin Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 Let's take the word confidence out of this. What people are attracted to is people who are themselves and being natural/comfortable to be around and with themselves. Being who they are on the outside as well as on the inside. When they do this, the attract people who are similar at least. If one is being unemotional and distant, they can't attract people who are looking for "confidence" because they can't get close enough to see that confidence. Unemotional and distant negates the confidence that they "want" to project. I think what you are arguing about is the strong, silent type. A confident person knows what he wants and what to do about it, and he is not fazed by challenge. Being glib or aloof is a different aspect. For the silent version think of Eastwood in his westerns, de Niro in Godfather or more recently Don Draper or Ryan Gosling in Drive. Of course, their emotional problems can be a part of the narrative (as in Mad Men or Drive). But you wouldn't say they are timid. They ooze confidence from their body language, which is some 90% of communication anyway. A more glib version may be George Clooney as Danny Ocean, and romantic comedies generally have more talkative hunks. Of course, Hollywood feeds back stereotypes to us... but they are the stereotypes we dream.
toscaroscura Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 A confident person, whether loud or quiet, introverted or extroverted, is comfortable in their own skin. They don't have to explain themselves or justify who they are or what they like. They don't TRY to impress people. They are interested in people, but do not hinge their entire self-worth onto whether those people like them or not. I have met VERY insecure extroverted people with large social groups. That has little to do with real confidence in oneself. 5
Brigit_1 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 A confident person, whether loud or quiet, introverted or extroverted, is comfortable in their own skin. They don't have to explain themselves or justify who they are or what they like. They don't TRY to impress people. They are interested in people, but do not hinge their entire self-worth onto whether those people like them or not. I have met VERY insecure extroverted people with large social groups. That has little to do with real confidence in oneself. Great post! I can be in a group, smiling, chatting, making jokes etc and I might appear confident but I'm about as insecure as they get. I wonder if confident is an overused word? Arrogance can come across as confident and is probably what most people think of when you say the word "confident." Like someone who doesn't take anyones sh*t. IDK. I'm not confident.
Rejected Rosebud Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 So when one regurgitates "women are attracted to confidence", what they really mean is women are attracted to people who are generally outgoing, extraverted, and have a large social circle. No. That is not what "they" really mean. If you actually are interested in what people mean by "confidence" maybe some people will tell you but if you just want to make up what people "really mean" so you feel better then have at it!! :bunny:
smackie9 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 It's how a man carries himself is the only way I can explain it. If he is comfortable with himself and around people socially shows strength/masculinity. Lets face it, when a man handles himself well, he is usually has successful relationships which extends out to, how he treats others, how he is responsible, does well career wise, etc.....attributes that women look for. Of course there are going to be those who "fake it" or turn out to be pompous dicks or con artists....but if the woman has any intelligence/self worth can pick those losers out pretty quickly and dismiss them. 1
GravityMan Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 When someone is completely comfortable and secure with just being themselves in any situation (solo, with friends, with a date, with coworkers/bosses, with kids, with strangers at a bar, etc.) then they are likely self-confident. Their body language is usually relaxed and they act like they belong. They are assertive and seldom second-guess themselves. They just carry themselves well. They: - are genuine - have no need to don a mask - have no need to try and "impress" anyone (the keyword here is try) - handles mistakes and misjudgments well - is unafraid to express themselves, be vulnerable when appropriate. They're not afraid to show their silly side, or their quirks, etc. in appropriate situations. - they don't overthink things or make mountains out of molehills - don't beat themselves up when things go wrong, even if it is their fault - don't get defensive, don't lash out, and they don't retreat into their shells when someone criticizes them - don't care too much about what others - especially strangers - think - know what they want and go after it, but don't get down on themselves in cases where things don't work out. There are LOTS of men and women out there who meet all of the above. They're not rare. (And they're usually not single.) They are also very easy to spot, even from across the room. They just exude a certain vibe that most others intuitively sense. Even many kids can easily sense the confidence in those people...they don't have to know what the word "confidence" is in order to detect it. Lastly, I don't think there's a single person on this planet that is 100% self-confident, 24/7/365. I think most women know that, OP. Even guys who are confident most of the time will have the occasional BRIEF moment when they second-guess themselves or get defensive or something. 3
Brigit_1 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 When someone is completely comfortable and secure with just being themselves in any situation (solo, with friends, with a date, with coworkers/bosses, with kids, with strangers at a bar, etc.) then they are likely self-confident. Their body language is usually relaxed and they act like they belong. They are assertive and seldom second-guess themselves. They just carry themselves well. They: - are genuine - have no need to don a mask - have no need to try and "impress" anyone (the keyword here is try) - handles mistakes and misjudgments well - is unafraid to express themselves, be vulnerable when appropriate. They're not afraid to show their silly side, or their quirks, etc. in appropriate situations. - they don't overthink things or make mountains out of molehills - don't beat themselves up when things go wrong, even if it is their fault - don't get defensive, don't lash out, and they don't retreat into their shells when someone criticizes them - don't care too much about what others - especially strangers - think - know what they want and go after it, but don't get down on themselves in cases where things don't work out. There are LOTS of men and women out there who meet all of the above. They're not rare. (And they're usually not single.) They are also very easy to spot, even from across the room. They just exude a certain vibe that most others intuitively sense. Even many kids can easily sense the confidence in those people...they don't have to know what the word "confidence" is in order to detect it. Lastly, I don't think there's a single person on this planet that is 100% self-confident, 24/7/365. I think most women know that, OP. Even guys who are confident most of the time will have the occasional BRIEF moment when they second-guess themselves or get defensive or something. So the million dollar question is: "How does one become one of those people?"
Author NGC1300 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Posted July 5, 2015 - don't get defensive, don't lash out, and they don't retreat into their shells when someone criticizes them This is paradoxical. Is the criticism merited? If not, one may be within their rights to get defensive, perhaps even "lash out". But this is now indicative of "lacking confidence". So you should just ignore it then? Oh, now you're labeled "doormat'. Now you lack confidence yet again. Haha, there's no winning with some people. (Not you specifically)
doeblin Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 So the million dollar question is: "How does one become one of those people?" The body language feedback loop. If you start acting more confident, you will be more confident. There are studies supporting this.Defusing negative thoughts, and replacing them with more confident ones. Your thinking habits are engraved in your brain, but changing your thought patterns will make changes in your brain. Google Neuroplasticity. Google Cognitive-Behavioral therapy. 2
katiegrl Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 The body language feedback loop. If you start acting more confident, you will be more confident. There are studies supporting this. Defusing negative thoughts, and replacing them with more confident ones. Your thinking habits are engraved in your brain, but changing your thought patterns will make changes in your brain. Google Neuroplasticity. Google Cognitive-Behavioral therapy. Agree....I employ this attitude also....except I call it the act "as if" attitude. If you feel down, not so confident, you behave *as if* if you do feel happy and more confident. Soon you will be feeling that way! It's the same thing as what is posted above, different phrasing. But it works!
fitnessfan365 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 My definition of confidence - always doing what's right for you and making no apologies for it. I mean there are universal traits that people do find attractive. However, a lot of things in general are dependent on the individual. So that's why it's always better to do what you want no matter what so you attract someone that's right for you.
ZA Dater Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 So when one regurgitates "women are attracted to confidence", what they really mean is women are attracted to people who are generally outgoing, extraverted, and have a large social circle. Pains me but I have to say I agree with you, especially the bold part. Its sad really because those of us who "lack confidence" are forced to try and find similar people and when we do find one, they aren't interested anyway.
casey.lives Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 you can be shy and confident.. you can be a klutz and be confident.... being confident is about being secure in who you ARE. not faking it or overcompensating. just present yourself "AS IS"
ChicagoSparty Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 Every woman I meet makes a comment about how confident I am. But....I don't actually do anything. So, I've asked a few of them to elaborate. They've all said the same thing: it's the way I walk and move, and the look in my eye. They say it looks like I have no fears and no cares. I guess they just pick up on that stuff.
joseb Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 This is paradoxical. Is the criticism merited? If not, one may be within their rights to get defensive, perhaps even "lash out". But this is now indicative of "lacking confidence". So you should just ignore it then? Oh, now you're labeled "doormat'. Now you lack confidence yet again. Haha, there's no winning with some people. (Not you specifically) There is a big difference between being able to accept constructive criticism and being a doormat. Even if you disagree with the critism you shouldn't really need to be defensive or lash out.
phineas Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 I am confident that if a woman doesn't like there are more out there that do so why jump through hoops or chase? Works for me. Plus I can usually tell if their into me and then I pretty much spend the night being my cocky self until I tell them " lets go out to the car" because we are going to hook up. If she isn't into me or undecided then no amount of confidence will help. It will only ensure there will be no next date. However It took years of hit and miss to reach this point. You will fail many times until you gain the experience.
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