Redhead14 Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 This could be a big part of it. My initial screening usually includes: Are they violent when angry (ask, have they ever been in a fist fight, punched a wall, etc), are/have they been medicated for anything (I'm mostly concerned with antipsychotics/antidepressents--basically any sign of a mood disorder), when their last relationship ended (this is huuuuuge). Also, HAVE THEY EVER BEEN DUMPED (that has turned out to be a common denominator amongst my experience dating--a man never forgets a woman who dumps him. If anything, it seems they hold a candle for her after, and will come back to her at the drop of a hat.). You'd be surprised how easy these things are to weave into conversations. Listening for how they speak of their exes--because that correlates with how they take criticism, blame, and how they will later speak of YOU. I'm sure there's more I use to screen with, but that's all I can come up with right now. The truth is you can't filter these kinds of men out just by looking at them for sure. Unless you are able to observe them for a bit and what their behavior is like before you date them, you just don't know. But, I understand how it feels like those are the men you attract and are attracted to yourself. I doubt that anyone can tell you exactly how or why that happens. All you can do is take the risk of dating a guy you are attracted to and control your emotions and expectations for quite awhile so you don't get too invested quickly after you've applied your filtering. Did you start using this criteria before or after the relationships you mentioned below? How far into the relationships below did you go before these behaviors become evident to you? And, with each of these relationships, from the very start, had the both of you been clear with each other about dating goals? Meaning, were you each looking for a relationship? Were the guys just wanting a casual relationship and you decided to date them anyway? And, if they said they wanted a relationship did they date you that way from the start? Did they date you properly? How soon did you usually become intimate? I'm trying to rewind to the very beginning of them to break it down in stages to see where the "picking" process could be fine tuned. I'm going to say something here, and I said it above, and I am not trying to offend or criticize you in anyway, but the common-denominator is you. There is something perhaps you are overlooking. So we need to pick each scenario apart a little or a couple of them to be able to fine tune things for you if you feel like digging deeper here. The thing is, back to another comment I made earlier, yes, you have a general set of screening criteria. They can't be violent when angry, they can't have been dumped, they can't be medicated, etc. But, if a man gets through this filter, are they meeting your needs on a daily/regular basis during the early dating stages? Are there some other things that aren't really working for you but you've pushed aside because it appears they have been pre-qualified? You have to pay attention to how they make you feel. If you're radar is up on any level, you need to pay attention to that, not act on it necessarily just hone in on it a little in your case. The worse I am to a guy, the BETTER he is to me. And I don't understand that. -- Oftentimes, a man who accepts this behavior has some kind of self-esteem issue. So, you've simply picked a guy who thinks he deserves to be treated badly and he is exhibiting "clingy" behavior. talking a big game about how they care and one day just literally waking up and changing their mind. -- They don't just change their minds. If they are talking a big game and their actions don't match, they weren't in anyway. You likely were feeling pretty insecure during those relationships. Is that true? If they did this and you had been feeling secure, then it may have been a case where you were kind of asleep and lulled yourself into a false sense of security while things were gradually failing like I pointed out earlier about honeymoon periods. I might suggest that all of the relationships you mentioned below lacked a sense of security for you probably from the beginning. Everyone has a little bit of insecurity going into a new relationship because of the unknowns. But, these types of guys aren't usually treating a woman the way she should be treated from the get go or may start out ok, but there are other signs along the way -- and your gut and intuition gets "muted" for a while.
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