What do I do?

[Married 4 Years]

Hi Everybody,

 

Before I ask my question, let me tell you the background of our relationship.

 

I have been married for 4 years now. After marriage I have lived with my husband for 8 months after our marriage, and then started our long-distance married life. The long-distance relationship was because he always had a job in a city, where he could not take me as he could not never afford to sustain both of us.

 

When we lived together for 8 months of our married life, he was miserable in his job and I could see that. So, when he moved out of the city for a better job, I was okay with it. Then he got another job, in another country, where he has been for almost two years, and we are not living together as he can’t afford to sustain both of us.

 

We have had problems right from the beginning in our relationship. However, we still held on to each other. Once I even went to the lawyer and almost initiated the divorce process, however, after 22 days of cutting contact with him, he started sending me all emotional messages that how much I meant to him and he needs one chance.

 

Every time, something like this happens, when I lose complete faith in him, he becomes all loving and emotional and starts making promises and I give in.

 

However, over these 4 years, I have become numb. I don’t care for him as much I used to, same goes for love. I am used to living alone. Currently, he visits me every 4-6 months and then I am never first on his priority list. He will give preference to his sister, her children, even his old relatives. Before marriage, he used to visit his relatives once in 2 years. But, now he visits them every time he is in the country.

 

So, out of 20 days he is visiting once in a six months, he spends max 10 days with me.

 

Now, I am planning to buy an apartment, a bigger one which will need both of us to take a loan that will last for 10 years. I am scared, because he has never put me first as his priority, and I am scared because I have no trust in him or much love for him. He has promised, that if we separate he will put the apartment on my name.

 

I am not an angel, but there are major issues in our relationship:

• He is always complaining for the smallest things, which sometimes turn into a big fight.

• He uses my personal family issues and psychoanalyzes me in creative ways to hurt me.

• He will become emotional and say that he will do anything for me and trying his best so that we can live together, however, when he is in a clear mental state he will say his career is the most important thing to him.

• I have to beg to him for him to take me on a date, and other things which really is undignified.

• He cannot manage his money and has commitment issues.

• In these four years, only 3 months he has financially supported me, otherwise, I have a strong sense of independence and always take care of myself financially and emotionally.

• I have never cheated on him, and I don’t think he has cheated on me.

• We have a gap of 11 years. I am 29, he is 40.

• There are many other issues.

 

The gist is I also have problems and I am not an angel, but I have become quite numb and used to living alone.

 

Do you think it would be better to get a divorce and start my life fresh, and do you think as of now I should not make the huge commitment of buying an apartment with him? Please advice.

Edited July 5, 2015 by Married 4 Years

[Friskyone4u]

I am not an angel,

 

OK. Sounds like you might just be better off without him if all of his behaviors make you a non primary factor in his life. But i have to ask if the above in bold that you stated here means that INFIDELITY is part of the picture here on the part of either of you.

 

if you have or are cheating and he knows it that may explain some of his actions. if he is cheating and you know it, that would certainly contribute i would think you your losing feelings for him.

 

it does not sound too promising from what you describe with limited information. At this point, i would recommend that you DO NOT sign any documents that would financially strain you or ruin you that cannot be enforced legally. in other words, if you are relying on his verbal statements to protect you, his behavior does not seem to warrant that kind of trust right now.

[No Limit]

You aren't happy in your marriage and haven't been for a long time - and I can't blame you, you've basically been alone the whole time. Definitely don't buy an apartment, and to be honest, I'd reconsider being in a marriage with this fella. You aren't a priority for him because you basically are not a part of his life - his life and focus is where he works at and his place there, and to be honest, if he had a GF abroad it wouldn't be much of a surprise. Unless he's asexual he won't accept just 20 times of sex per year.