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we broke up but still love each other, now we are just hurting ourselves

itstupid

By itstupid
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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itstupid Member

itstupid

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hello everyone!

Basically, I NEED a guy´s help... Because only men can understand men...

I will try to make it short...

 

This is what happened: my boyfriend and i have been together for three years, our relationship was very deep and intense, we went through MANY things together... And i know for sure that he loves me.

 

We had a lot of fights, because we both had really bad temper... And well, you know.. But still, we would always make it work because our relationship was stronger than that.

 

We broke up a few weeks ago, it was mutual... other times when we were broken up, we would always get back together in two or three days, but now is different... i know he is tired of the fights and he thinks i am too jealous, AND I WAS... but i realized i was being stupid and i told him, i made a mistake. Besides, he also made some dumb mistakes (nothing like cheating or something like that, just dumb stuff).. but i always gave him chances...

 

I know him, and i know that his ex girlfriends were always the ones who had to try and fix the problem, he told me that himself once...

 

And now... A very, VERY close friend of mine, who is also VERY close with him... Told me that he is suffering a LOT, that he argues with everyone at his house, that he can´t endure it anymore and that he misses me too much, but that he does not want to accept it...

 

And we haven't spoke in two weeks now... Because i told him that i just couldn't keep in touch with him if we were like this because he was hurting me, and we just stopped talking. And now this friend is telling me that... And also, that he thinks i am the one who should change and that basically he is blaming on me for everything, and i know i made a HUGE mistake, but is not completely my fault...

 

And the worst part is that, she thinks that he will contact me soon because he's having a very rough time(besides, my birthday is one week away), but that i should talk to him like i am perfectly okay, like i am doing fine without him or that i won't die if he's not with me, because if he sees that im ****ed up, he will just keep on with this bull**** for some time because he´s VERY secure about me and about my feelings towards him... that i should take him out of his comfort zone and make him think that he could actually lose me so he will finally get up and DO SOMETHING about it...

 

She is scared that if he sees how miserable i am, he will take me for granted and will just want to be single for a while... And even though we both know that he will eventually come back (at least if there is no one else in the way by that time) i don't know... i don't think i can wait for him until he realizes that...

 

I just can't keep going like this, is awful.. And is so dumb, because i know he's having a hell of a time, so do i... but yet, he won't let his stupid pride aside...

 

So, basically.. what i want to ask you is: should i really act like im okay? pretend? obviously i won't be like OMG IM SO HAPPY, but, you know... Just okay...

 

Do you think he will realize that this is a stupid waste of time?

 

What should i do? help guys, please! I know this relationship is worth it, i know what we are together... And i think we are about to ruin it forever.

 

I would just hate if he decides to leave, and i get over him... and then he comes back... DAMN! that would be frustrating. Because im in love with him... And i don't want to lose him :(

Edited by itstupid
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aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted

May I ask how old you two are? I'm guessing young. Ok, as a guy, here's my thoughts..

 

 

You two are not compatible. You both appear to be dominant, strong personalities with tempers. That's usually not a good thing in a relationship. Trust me, I know from experience as I'm a dominant, strong personality.

 

 

You need to question if the right decision wouldn't be to just put that R/S behind you and deal w/the pain from it. You'll heal.

 

 

If you have to contact him again or run into him again, YES.. you don't EVER want to come across w/your heart vs. your brain. Be calm, cool, collected. Act like you did when you first met. DON'T go gushing on or sharing how miserable you are and how much you miss him. Play it cool.

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itstupid Member

itstupid

Posted
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Posted

i understand what you are saying... And yes, we both have tempers.. But in the end, i think is not about that, but about the way people can always make things work out.. is not that we are not compatible, because just as we would fight, we would also have amazing times and had this very strong connection, i know that... our relationship was special. Maybe you think im being naive or... i don't know... but is just the way i feel. And i feel like this is worth it. Obviously, if theres nothing i can do, i will have to accept it... But i just don't want to give up without trying.

 

Yes, we are both young... Im 22 and he's 23... But we had plans for the future, we would talk about it all the time... And now... i don't know..

 

Thanks for your advice... I will play it cool and try to be fine, because i am aware that even if i pretend to be okay, i should actually try, because i can't depend on him right now.

Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

Never pretend anything.

 

Be genuine in all your interactions with others.

 

Pretending is dishonest.

  • Like 3
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Multiple break-ups indicate deeper problems and personality conflicts. A good, healthy relationship isn't ended on several occasions. If your (or his) knee-jerk reaction to conflict was to break up, there are also emotional immaturity issues. If I may ask, what were these "dumb mistakes" that your ex made during your time together? I personally don't think you should talk to him right now as it will only make this more complicated.

 

Instead, use this time to ask yourself how you could have handled things better, what can you do in the future to avoid such drama in a relationship? Reflect on the bigger underlying problems with your ex-boyfriend. Was there poor communication? Insecurity? Not enough mutual respect? Bad conflict-resolution skills? Clearly it wasn't such a strong relationship if you'd broken up repeatedly in the past.

  • Like 2
aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted

You guys are both young. You both need to have many more relationship experiences before settling down into something really serious. I know when I was 22, I was REALLY immature and made all kinds of stupid relationship mistakes. Most people do at that age.

 

 

I agree with the above poster. Your relationship has far too many red flags to ever be successful long term. To be breaking up so often already is not a healthy foundation to build on. I had a few relationships like this around your age. Off/on, drama, fights, break ups.. They simply are not healthy at all.

 

 

You should stay away form each other for a couple of months to clear your head. I bet you'd come to the conclusion of not wanting to get back together.

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itstupid Member

itstupid

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Multiple break-ups indicate deeper problems and personality conflicts. A good, healthy relationship isn't ended on several occasions. If your (or his) knee-jerk reaction to conflict was to break up, there are also emotional immaturity issues. If I may ask, what were these "dumb mistakes" that your ex made during your time together? I personally don't think you should talk to him right now as it will only make this more complicated.

 

Instead, use this time to ask yourself how you could have handled things better, what can you do in the future to avoid such drama in a relationship? Reflect on the bigger underlying problems with your ex-boyfriend. Was there poor communication? Insecurity? Not enough mutual respect? Bad conflict-resolution skills? Clearly it wasn't such a strong relationship if you'd broken up repeatedly in the past.

 

Yes... We both were very immature two years ago, but we both grew together, obviously we still have things to improve.

 

 

And the dumb mistakes... He lied to me on little things, for example, one time that his ex girlfriend texted him, not in a romantic way, just "friendly"... But he didn't tell me because he was scared i would freak out. And some other stupid lies like that one.

 

 

I won't talk to him anyway, i know i shouldn't push it... But according to this friend, he's gonna contact me in a few days and i'm very nervous... Because i don't know how to act. My first instict is to tell him that this is stupid, we are both suffering and we both want to be with esch other... We should change some things and make things work because i know we can.

But i don't know... I guess i should just keep cool and leave him alone, i can't push it like that...

 

 

If it's meant to be, it will be, i won't force anything either... But i just hate this, there is not one single moment that he's out of my mind. It SUCKS!

casey.lives Established Member

casey.lives

Posted
Posted

I can tell you that, if he's in pain over your break up, it's a good sign. He was invested in your relationship. However, something needs to change ... if you give it time and work on your personal flaws, you might be able to come back, given time and space. Love is faith based, not will imposed. I feel like you are too "determined"

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

This "friend" may have an agenda as regards your bf.

Be true to yourself, do not pretend anything.

Only thing I would say if you do meet, IME men's tolerance for sobbing messes is low.

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itstupid Member

itstupid

Posted
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Posted
This "friend" may have an agenda as regards your bf.

Be true to yourself, do not pretend anything.

Only thing I would say if you do meet, IME men's tolerance for sobbing messes is low.

She is trying to help because she's been our friend like... Since ever. She told me that he would probably contact me because he can't take it anymore, but that's it.

 

I guess that if he does... I will just let it flow, and if we get to talk about it, i will tell him how i feel.. But if he only congratulates me for my birthday... Oh well...

  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted
She is trying to help because she's been our friend like... Since ever. She told me that he would probably contact me because he can't take it anymore, but that's it.

 

I guess that if he does... I will just let it flow, and if we get to talk about it, i will tell him how i feel.. But if he only congratulates me for my birthday... Oh well...

 

Just be yourself and speak honestly about how you feel.

 

That doesn't guarantee any particular outcome, but you'll glad you did, and you'll feel better about yourself

 

 

Take care.

  • Author
itstupid Member

itstupid

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Just be yourself and speak honestly about how you feel.

 

That doesn't guarantee any particular outcome, but you'll glad you did, and you'll feel better about yourself

 

 

Take care.

 

I know. Is just so hard to think clearly when you don't want to ruin the last chance you might have.

infiniteQuest Established Member

infiniteQuest

Posted
Posted

You need to give him space so that it becomes his decision to cone back to you, because if you push him then he'll never own it. He needs to have full conviction that it's the right thing to do. You can't be the only one always solving relationship problems. It takes two. Plus, you don't want to be the one to always have to fix everything. Because if you are then you won't know what he's willing to do on his end to contribute, and you will never have the confidence in him that he can also pull his own weight in your relationship.

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itstupid Member

itstupid

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You need to give him space so that it becomes his decision to cone back to you, because if you push him then he'll never own it. He needs to have full conviction that it's the right thing to do. You can't be the only one always solving relationship problems. It takes two. Plus, you don't want to be the one to always have to fix everything. Because if you are then you won't know what he's willing to do on his end to contribute, and you will never have the confidence in him that he can also pull his own weight in your relationship.

 

Thank you for your advice. You are totally right.

i am giving him space, havent contacted him in two weeks and won't do it until he contacts me... I will wait to see what happens... i think he's confused, maybe afraid that if we get back together we will have the same problems again. But most of all, i think he's blaming on me for this and that's why he doesn't want to accept the fact that he's having such a hard time now.

infiniteQuest Established Member

infiniteQuest

Posted
Posted
Thank you for your advice. You are totally right.

i am giving him space, havent contacted him in two weeks and won't do it until he contacts me... I will wait to see what happens... i think he's confused, maybe afraid that if we get back together we will have the same problems again. But most of all, i think he's blaming on me for this and that's why he doesn't want to accept the fact that he's having such a hard time now.

 

Whether there is a next time, or next relationship, remember to give a lot of thought to what you did wrong on your end. Share it, and be at peace that you communicated your side of the story and apologized if you needed to when you put the ball in their court.

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itstupid Member

itstupid

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Whether there is a next time, or next relationship, remember to give a lot of thought to what you did wrong on your end. Share it, and be at peace that you communicated your side of the story and apologized if you needed to when you put the ball in their court.

 

Thank you. And yes, i thought about it and i know exactly where i messed up.

Laurenhergensen Member

Laurenhergensen

Posted
Posted

if he's having such a rough time like you're saying, maybe he will crack and talk to you... personally, if i were you, i wouldn't talk to him.

 

you should wait to see what happens... but men are idiots, and if this friend of yours is trustworthy, and what she told you is truth, i don't understand why isn't he calling you already... thats why i say men are idiots sometimes! your situation is complicated, you should be careful and taking things step by step.

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itstupid Member

itstupid

Posted
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Hi guys!

 

Just wanted to update this, to let you know what happened ... So, three days ago we met, and we are together again :) so yeah, everything worked out just fine... We talked about our problems and decided that we should both stop being so immature, because we were ruining our relationship... So yeah.. And now we are perfectly fine...

 

Thank you guys for all of your advices :)

ravfour4 Established Member

ravfour4

Posted
Posted

Congrats! I hope it works out for you!

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

Posted
Posted

Well, what will have changed if you get back together? Surely every other time you thought it would be different and you'd learned, what's different this time?

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