Sickening feeling you get when you think of your ex having sex with others

July 5, 2015

This is the other thing that the OP has to consider.

If he can admit to himself that he didn't do enough to keep her, then he has something to go forward on. That's a point of focus, and also a good way to accept that the relationship is done for a reason.

On the other hand, if he believes that he really did do enough to keep her, well, does he really want to be with someone that doesn't truly appreciate him?

Either way, it's over, and this is ammunition for him to use to emancipate himself from it. That's all I've got.

I've admitted that to myself from the very beginning lol. It doesn't change a thing I know I wasn't worthy to be in her presence. If I couldn't keep her then I can't keep anyone lol

July 5, 2015

A ring wasn't going to change ****. Her parents aren't married and they're still together, trust me, marriage wasn't very important to us it was more about being together. Beside, she was emotionally immature and way behind in everything. Even if I gave her a ring we wouldn't be able to get married for at least another 4-5 years, she would of left me anyway.

Anyway, it's about both. It's about losing her and my ego, but mainly it's about my ego. My OP is specifically target towards my feelings. I just want to know how to alleviate these feelings since I'm having such a hard time dealing with it. I refuse to be as a vilified for what happened between us. Trust me, I do a pretty good job of that on my own.

Focus on you. That is how. What are your thoughts when you sleep with someone again? How will you judge yourself? What do you think will change with you? Or perception?

It's still so unknown for you, this idea of either one of you having sex that I really think it sounds so much bigger now to you then when you get to this point and look back.

It is all so big and daunting now but I promise you when you get there, looking back, this won't seem so big then. Most things seem so much bigger looking forward into the unknown then when they are actually in your rearview mirror.

July 5, 2015

I've admitted that to myself from the very beginning lol. It doesn't change a thing I know I wasn't worthy to be in her presence. If I couldn't keep her then I can't keep anyone lol

Oh bunk. That is not true. It isn't about being worthy enough or not. That is bull and change that thinking. It is just that you two didn't work, for whatever reason. That you were together for a season and while it wasn't forever that doesn't make it less than. There were still great experiences and lessons learned and it is all to further developing you as the person you are meant to be.

Don't judge but learn from it. Take the lessons that mean the most to you and leave the rest. Ultimately at this time you and she aren't working together. Tomorrow, next month, next year, next decade, could mean something totally different. You can't predict the future and you two may come back together. Or you find someone else that you really mesh well with. Either way both are great outcomes.

July 5, 2015

Yeah, don't start with that not-worthy-to-be-with-her bunk. That is not what any of us are getting at.

If anything, even if something wasn't right on your end, she was wrong to not give you a proper chance to sort it out. You seem like a decent guy.

In situations like these, sometimes we need people to lay things out in matter-of-fact ways to make the haze dissipate. I think that all of us are trying to do that for you. We really want you to get past these thoughts and realize that while they can be painful, they are normal and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

You'll get over it. You just want to accelerate that process if at all possible. I could draw on my own experiences and twist the knife a little more, but frankly, I was equipped to deal with those things when they happened. You don't need the "advanced" course right now (and I hope you never do).

Edited July 5, 2015 by Palmeiras

July 5, 2015

Oh bunk. That is not true. It isn't about being worthy enough or not. That is bull and change that thinking. It is just that you two didn't work, for whatever reason. That you were together for a season and while it wasn't forever that doesn't make it less than. There were still great experiences and lessons learned and it is all to further developing you as the person you are meant to be.

Don't judge but learn from it. Take the lessons that mean the most to you and leave the rest. Ultimately at this time you and she aren't working together. Tomorrow, next month, next year, next decade, could mean something totally different. You can't predict the future and you two may come back together. Or you find someone else that you really mesh well with. Either way both are great outcomes.

Thank you.

But maybe we weren't meant to be. Maybe I need to find someone more compatible to my personality. It was always little things that drove us apart, little annoyances that we tolerated from one another. I don't know if it was lack of empathy from my end, or just incompatibility. Whatever it was, I need to change, we both do.

I guess I'm just going to continue dealing with grievances.

July 5, 2015

Thank you.

But maybe we weren't meant to be. Maybe I need to find someone more compatible to my personality. It was always little things that drove us apart, little annoyances that we tolerated from one another. I don't know if it was lack of empathy from my end, or just incompatibility. Whatever it was, I need to change, we both do.

I guess I'm just going to continue dealing with grievances.

No problem my friend. You need to grief the relationship. That is far more normal than individuals who try and move on through others and rush to sleep around. You are taking the better, albeit harder, road.

I find journaling helps alot. And I personally do like therapy and have found that very helpful.

Take your time. But focus on other areas, interests, etc. to allow yourself time to lick your wounds. It's hard, I totally get it. And breaking up sucks a big fat one. No two ways around it.

Maybe you two weren't meant to be right now. But life throws you many curveballs, some great, some suck. But nothing is worthless if you learn something from it.

July 5, 2015

If you fall in love again, it won't be a problem.

July 5, 2015

Being my exes first I sometimes get these thoughts of her having sex with other men, and it just bothers the hell out of me. Like even if we were to meet sometime in the future like 2-5 years down the line and get back together, I don't think I would take her back knowing she had sex with other men. I felt the sex me and her had was intimate and amazing, and it hurts knowing another man will experience that. The sexual chemistry was just out of this world and she was into all my kinks and stuff. I don't believe my sex life will ever get better than that.

My question is where do these thoughts generate from? I have friends who have told me that these thoughts don't bother them that much, even after a break-up. They always tell me "It's just sex". Just sex, it really JUST sex? Is it because I took away her virginity? Is it because I'm sexually inexperienced for my age? I would really like to know the root of these concerns. I don't know why it's the MAIN reason I'm still hurting.

fwiw, the thought of exes having sex w/the ppl they moved on with never bothered me, bc I mainly wanted them to be happy and I assume a fulfilling sex life is a part of happiness for them. So I don't think it's an intrinsic part of grieving necessarily. I mean I can see how the thought could be agonizing in certain contexts, but I don't believe it's automatic trouble.

July 5, 2015

fwiw, the thought of exes having sex w/the ppl they moved on with never bothered me, bc I mainly wanted them to be happy and I assume a fulfilling sex life is a part of happiness for them. So I don't think it's an intrinsic part of grieving necessarily. I mean I can see how the thought could be agonizing in certain contexts, but I don't believe it's automatic trouble.

Hmm I see. Maybe I'm just selfish and bitter.

July 5, 2015

Of all the post-breakup pain one experiences and obsesses over, this was one subject that never really bothered me. Even fresh out of relationships when the pain is at it's highest and every little thing runs through your head, thinking about her having sex with another guy wouldn't make me upset.

But granted, I'm more of an emotional creature in relationships. I cared more about the loss of friendship (talking, laughing, etc.) than I did the physical loss.

And to be quite honest, it would hurt me more to know someone else got to cuddle and hold her at night than it would to know someone else was having sex with her.

But that's just me.

Edited July 5, 2015 by The Poster

July 5, 2015

I've never experienced this with any of my ex's, not even the man I was with for 14 years and we always had a great sex life all that time.

July 5, 2015

Of all the post-breakup pain one experiences and obsesses over, this was one subject that never really bothered me. Even fresh out of relationships when the pain is at it's highest and every little thing runs through your head, thinking about her having sex with another guy wouldn't make me upset.

But granted, I'm more of an emotional creature in relationships. I cared more about the loss of friendship (talking, laughing, etc.) than I did the physical loss.

And to be quite honest, it would hurt me more to know someone else got to cuddle and hold her at night than it would to know someone else was having sex with her.

But that's just me.

Was sex ever the same for you afterwards? Like did you enjoy it with anyone else as much as you did with her?

July 5, 2015

Honestly can't say it ever bothered me. Never thought about it.

My mantra has always been, he is gone, sad, but never look back.

I do not really believe in reconciliations after break ups either, so out of sight, out of mind.

Didn't work out...so just move on to the next...

July 5, 2015

Was sex ever the same for you afterwards? Like did you enjoy it with anyone else as much as you did with her?

I suspect a huge pedestal here.

Knock her off it.

July 5, 2015

I suspect a huge pedestal here.
Knock her off it.

No, that doesn't change what was. At the end of the day if the next one isn't as good or better than the one you had. Then you know you really ****ed up.

July 5, 2015

I have an easy fix for that. I keep in touch, mostly in sexting/sexy/innuendo kinds of ways, especially by sending such messages during bed/sex time, and that way making sure my name is somewhere there in his head while he's doing her It's quite funny actually. One accidentally did say my name out loud. He told me after the breakup that ensued.

I guess when you miss the person, or at least the sex, it's frustrating to know they're enjoying it with someone else while you're sitting here alone. Have some fun with'em.

July 5, 2015

I have an easy fix for that. I keep in touch, mostly in sexting/sexy/innuendo kinds of ways, especially by sending such messages during bed/sex time, and that way making sure my name is somewhere there in his head while he's doing her It's quite funny actually. One accidentally did say my name out loud. He told me after the breakup that ensued.
I guess when you miss the person, or at least the sex, it's frustrating to know they're enjoying it with someone else while you're sitting here alone. Have some fun with'em.

Last thing I'm gonna do is keep in touch lol

July 5, 2015

My advice is that you shouldn't let yourself continue to obsess about your ex. You need to exercise some self-discipline and make yourself think of something else every time she enters your thoughts. And don't tell me that's impossible because it's not. You can start by forcing yourself to remind yourself of two negative things about her for every positive thing that comes to mind. You can make yourself go out and stay busy and not sit around and drink and dwell on it. You are the only person who is in control of you, and when you get tired of being miserable, you will tell yourself "That's enough" and move on.

So my advice: Don't think about her at all, much less sleeping with someone else. And next relationship, try to have uppermost in your mind that you don't own a woman. They own themselves and you can't control what they do.

July 5, 2015

Was sex ever the same for you afterwards? Like did you enjoy it with anyone else as much as you did with her?

I will a decidedly yes. Actually more so.

There are great things and not great things in every relationship. I promise you will find great happiness with others. I promise she is not the only person you will ever mesh with. She is not unique in that in any way.

July 5, 2015

Was sex ever the same for you afterwards? Like did you enjoy it with anyone else as much as you did with her?

Yes, I did. Once I had that passion for someone else, sex was always enjoyable. It's not even a comparable thing to me to say one was better than the other. They were both good in their own right.

July 5, 2015

My advice is that you shouldn't let yourself continue to obsess about your ex. You need to exercise some self-discipline and make yourself think of something else every time she enters your thoughts. And don't tell me that's impossible because it's not. You can start by forcing yourself to remind yourself of two negative things about her for every positive thing that comes to mind. You can make yourself go out and stay busy and not sit around and drink and dwell on it. You are the only person who is in control of you, and when you get tired of being miserable, you will tell yourself "That's enough" and move on.

So my advice: Don't think about her at all, much less sleeping with someone else. And next relationship, try to have uppermost in your mind that you don't own a woman. They own themselves and you can't control what they do.

I try not to obsess over here, but when I'm not obsessed over her I'm obsessed wit the thought of never finding someone again. It's rare to find love where I'm from and it all gives me a sense of hopelessness.

I try to envision myself with another woman. One that is far more sexy, funny, and intelligent than my ex. It feels wonderful thinking about it, but then I eventually snap back to reality.

July 5, 2015

You seriously need to get over her. You both have some age on you, and unless she a renowned virgin, she's going to have some mileage on her. You should be opened minded to her activities be it you are with her or not.

Why aren't you with her? HM!

July 5, 2015

"Getting over" someone is not a magical press-button thing or a simple act of volition. When ppl casually state that as a heartbreak remedy it makes me think of telling someone who was shotgunned in the chest to stop crying about it and just get up and dust yourself off and move on.

Never so simple - hence all the problems the world has with ppl suffering heartache.

July 5, 2015

Yes, I did. Once I had that passion for someone else, sex was always enjoyable. It's not even a comparable thing to me to say one was better than the other. They were both good in their own right.

Well at least that's good to hear

One big reason I think I still keep her on a pedestal is because she played a big part in my turnaround early on. When I met her at age 20 I was a college dropout, unemployed, stoner who was still tied into delinquent bull****. She took the time to get to know me and even though my dreams were silly she still told me, "I believe in you, you have so much potential and you don't even realize it". Since then I've earned my Bachelors Degree (3.5 GPA), Held a couple of Dean's List awards, I held a couple of long term jobs, and I cut out a lot negative people in my circle. She made me believe in myself, I did things I never thought were possible. Love is truly a powerful thing, it could make you move mountains.

July 5, 2015

"Getting over" someone is not a magical press-button thing or a simple act of volition. When ppl casually state that as a heartbreak remedy it makes me think of telling someone who was shotgunned in the chest to stop crying about it and just get up and dust yourself off and move on.

Never so simple - hence all the problems the world has with ppl suffering heartache.

^^^

A lot of people do not understand heartbreak, not in the slightest.

If I could end the suffering now and focus on the present day I would of done it a long time ago.

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Sickening feeling you get when you think of your ex having sex with others

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