I came off the wrong way with this guy, can I remedy it?

[sylvanas]

So I have made an error that I'm trying to correct. I also posted something else related to my problem, but thats another topic. I met a guy about 2 months ago. It was pretty obvious that he was into me. He was asking our mutual friends about me, contacting me a lot, trying to learn more about me, being just super nice. I liked him and I liked the attention. But I handled it badly. I enjoyed our interactions, but I think I came off as playful, yet disinterested. I seem to have a thing where I hate looking needy or obvious with my feelings, so I mask them with something else so I don't look weak. I was reluctant to share information with him, but thats sort of just how I am when I'm getting to know someone. I will admit that I am very guarded. I don't consider this to be game playing on my part, more that I probably have some baggage and I don't know how to quite handle myself with guys sometimes.

 

In a group setting, he was always exceptionally playful with me, more so than others I think. I am, myself, very playful, so we would banter and play argue back and forth a lot. Sometimes our topics would get more intense than others. I will admit that I like to give guys a hard time sometimes and that I am sometimes seen as snarky. I felt like he was giving it back to me equally though, so it was ok.

 

Another thing of mention, is that I met this guy and many of his friends at the same time. Several of his friends also apparently had taken a liking to me and were more obvious(pushy) about it than he. I made it clear to the friends that I would be friendly with them but nothing else. I think he was put off by all the attention I was getting as he actually made a comment to me about it once, saying that he wasn't going to act like the rest of my 'flock'. I think this, combined with me being sort of elusive(because I'm weird) lead him to believe that I wasn't interested in him. He persisted for quite awhile but then he started to back off.

 

I noticed that our interactions changed after that. There was less one on one talking. When we were together in groups, he would still argue with me and give me a hard time, but it was different. We would still make little zings at each other. I noticed he started to make the comment, seemingly jokingly, that he felt like he was my least favorite person of this group. He made the comment also that he didn't like how I acted sometimes and that I could be "harsh", when in my mind, I saw our level of joking with each other to be equal.

 

Can this be fixed at this point? Should I try to be more obviously nice with him? I think we had sort of a misunderstanding of personalities here. I still think he likes me at least a little from his actions, but it's pretty obviously decreased from where it was when we met each other. I'm thinking I should try to lay off the snarky some, but I think it might be too late. Advice?

[jen1447]

Can't change who you are. This just sounds to me like sth that burned brightly for a while at the beginning but now you've naturally spun out down diff paths. I'd refer to it as an 'agitated' relationship, where the good can be very good due to the up and down dynamics but the bad can be very bad for the same reason. I'd avoid that personally.

[DatingDee]

So I have made an error that I'm trying to correct. I also posted something else related to my problem, but thats another topic. I met a guy about 2 months ago. It was pretty obvious that he was into me. He was asking our mutual friends about me, contacting me a lot, trying to learn more about me, being just super nice. I liked him and I liked the attention. But I handled it badly. I enjoyed our interactions, but I think I came off as playful, yet disinterested. I seem to have a thing where I hate looking needy or obvious with my feelings, so I mask them with something else so I don't look weak. I was reluctant to share information with him, but thats sort of just how I am when I'm getting to know someone. I will admit that I am very guarded. I don't consider this to be game playing on my part, more that I probably have some baggage and I don't know how to quite handle myself with guys sometimes.

 

In a group setting, he was always exceptionally playful with me, more so than others I think. I am, myself, very playful, so we would banter and play argue back and forth a lot. Sometimes our topics would get more intense than others. I will admit that I like to give guys a hard time sometimes and that I am sometimes seen as snarky. I felt like he was giving it back to me equally though, so it was ok.

 

Another thing of mention, is that I met this guy and many of his friends at the same time. Several of his friends also apparently had taken a liking to me and were more obvious(pushy) about it than he. I made it clear to the friends that I would be friendly with them but nothing else. I think he was put off by all the attention I was getting as he actually made a comment to me about it once, saying that he wasn't going to act like the rest of my 'flock'. I think this, combined with me being sort of elusive(because I'm weird) lead him to believe that I wasn't interested in him. He persisted for quite awhile but then he started to back off.

 

I noticed that our interactions changed after that. There was less one on one talking. When we were together in groups, he would still argue with me and give me a hard time, but it was different. We would still make little zings at each other. I noticed he started to make the comment, seemingly jokingly, that he felt like he was my least favorite person of this group. He made the comment also that he didn't like how I acted sometimes and that I could be "harsh", when in my mind, I saw our level of joking with each other to be equal.

 

Can this be fixed at this point? Should I try to be more obviously nice with him? I think we had sort of a misunderstanding of personalities here. I still think he likes me at least a little from his actions, but it's pretty obviously decreased from where it was when we met each other. I'm thinking I should try to lay off the snarky some, but I think it might be too late. Advice?

 

 

 

I would start giving him a few more obvious cues that you are interested. Sometimes guys back off because they feel they've done enough and they're not feeling secure enough to keep trying. If you have the occasion to start being playful, try to lead the conversation playfully to some sort of a bet. Whoever loses has to take the other one out for a beer, or something like that. Or just find your own way to lead the conversation to a point where you can ask each other out It's not easy, but if you really like him, it may be worth the risk. If you don't try it, you might end up regretting it later. If you do risk it and it doesn't work, at least you won't regret not trying. You'll know where you stand and will be able to move on to the next victim

[Redhead14]

So I have made an error that I'm trying to correct. I also posted something else related to my problem, but thats another topic. I met a guy about 2 months ago. It was pretty obvious that he was into me. He was asking our mutual friends about me, contacting me a lot, trying to learn more about me, being just super nice. I liked him and I liked the attention. But I handled it badly. I enjoyed our interactions, but I think I came off as playful, yet disinterested. I seem to have a thing where I hate looking needy or obvious with my feelings, so I mask them with something else so I don't look weak. I was reluctant to share information with him, but thats sort of just how I am when I'm getting to know someone. I will admit that I am very guarded. I don't consider this to be game playing on my part, more that I probably have some baggage and I don't know how to quite handle myself with guys sometimes.

 

In a group setting, he was always exceptionally playful with me, more so than others I think. I am, myself, very playful, so we would banter and play argue back and forth a lot. Sometimes our topics would get more intense than others. I will admit that I like to give guys a hard time sometimes and that I am sometimes seen as snarky. I felt like he was giving it back to me equally though, so it was ok.

 

Another thing of mention, is that I met this guy and many of his friends at the same time. Several of his friends also apparently had taken a liking to me and were more obvious(pushy) about it than he. I made it clear to the friends that I would be friendly with them but nothing else. I think he was put off by all the attention I was getting as he actually made a comment to me about it once, saying that he wasn't going to act like the rest of my 'flock'. I think this, combined with me being sort of elusive(because I'm weird) lead him to believe that I wasn't interested in him. He persisted for quite awhile but then he started to back off.

 

I noticed that our interactions changed after that. There was less one on one talking. When we were together in groups, he would still argue with me and give me a hard time, but it was different. We would still make little zings at each other. I noticed he started to make the comment, seemingly jokingly, that he felt like he was my least favorite person of this group. He made the comment also that he didn't like how I acted sometimes and that I could be "harsh", when in my mind, I saw our level of joking with each other to be equal.

 

Can this be fixed at this point? Should I try to be more obviously nice with him? I think we had sort of a misunderstanding of personalities here. I still think he likes me at least a little from his actions, but it's pretty obviously decreased from where it was when we met each other. I'm thinking I should try to lay off the snarky some, but I think it might be too late. Advice?

 

but I think -- First of all, this what you think, not what you know.

 

Changing your approach at this point is only likely to come across as mixed signals.

 

I seem to have a thing where I hate looking needy or obvious with my feelings, so I mask them with something else so I don't look weak. I was reluctant to share information with him, but thats sort of just how I am when I'm getting to know someone. I will admit that I am very guarded. -- Being needy and masking your feeling also comes as across as mixed signals. You are manipulating your natural tendencies and that comes off as unnatural and insincere.

 

You don't have to worry about looking needy if you're not needy. And, masking and squashing your feelings is all about being needy. You're trying to make yourself into someone that you think another person would like better. You are losing yourself in the process of wanting to have someone in your life so desperately.

 

I think we had sort of a misunderstanding of personalities here -- sure there is, you aren't allowing your true self to come through. That being said, if snarkiness is part of your nature and that doesn't work for him, you're not a good match. And, if it is part of your nature, you may be able to suppress it for a while, but you will eventually not be able to maintain that anymore and then it will be an issue again. This is what happens early in dating scenarios. The parties aren't really being themselves and trying to bring forth "better" self and then later things fall apart when they really start getting to know each other more deeply and spending more and more time together.

 

Just relax. Have fun, be yourself. It's ok to let a guy you're interested in know that you are interested. Just don't get clingy/needy, don't over-extend yourself.

 

For now, let this guy show you he's still interested. Maybe there's something going on with him right now and he's distracted. It's only been two months since you've known him.

 

And, has he actually taken you out on a proper date or dates during these two months? If he hasn't, I'd say he's not really interested in you for a dating partner. He likely just thinks of you as a friend. If he's been dating you, you need to find out what his dating goals are for himself -- is he dating for a relationship or just casually dating. If you two aren't on the same page in terms of goals anyway, I'd stop seeing him as a dating partner.

Edited July 4, 2015 by Redhead14

[Vercetti]

I don't like pointless devil's advocate or those that pull attention from every male in the room. Unless he wants a relationship filled with debate and strangers being treated better, he checked out. The push pull was over the top, went beyond playfulness, and went down perpetual annoyance street.

 

Correction? 180 on giving each other a hard time. Or with next guy cut the neg " flirting " realising this guy could have been testing. Why would he risk forthright asking you out, when counter everything he says?

[Satu]

Be exactly the same person on the outside and the inside.