cbros Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 words of wisdom from an unfaithful spouse: If you think your miserable in your marriage-you will only know misery when you bring someone else into the mix. If you are unfulfilled in your marriage-work on it, let your spouse know what you need, your deepest desires, your dreams, your sorrows--exactly how you feel, let them tell you what they need ,desire etc. Go to counseling, make time for one another----make time for one of the most important thing in your life---the person you are sharing this existence with!!! If after giving all you can give and doing all you can do you realize the relationship is over for what ever reasons--separate peacefully and divorce. Bringing another person into it only compounds the issues- the issues that led to the affair are now dwarfed by the affair itself. everyone gets hurt, innocent people get hurt, lives are shattered and the pain is indescribable. The good that has come out of my experience is that i have found my soul, i know that true contentment can only come from within. I don't have the choice to undo what is done -but those of you who are discontent and leaning towards making the fatal mistake i made stop--get help, make demands, stomp your feet----deal with whatever issues are making you miserable, end one thing before starting another.
wanting to heal Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I am dealing with my wife's one night stand. It is hard. Oh, how I wish I knew that she felt like you did. She tells me that she is sorry, but she did not say it very often. She knows that she is withdrawn a lot, I know it too. That withdrawl and silence just kills me. Is there more that she needs to say? Is she just mad at herself? Is she afraid that I will never forgive it? I go between being optomistic (after our long talks) to dreading being with her. I am so scared of being hurt again. I am scared of putting everything I can into our rebuilding and have it torn down. Time has helped, but it is a very slow process. Your post tells me of your regret. It has to hurt the one who cheats, but I have not heard it said like you have said it here. I just wish I could hear that remorse from my wife. It makes me wonder how she really feels about the whole thing. Maybe I am just selfish and need to hear it from her too often.
sylviaguardian Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 A question for you cbros - why didn't you think of all these things before you cheated? Sylvia
catb Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 sylvia-Good question. I was so apathetic about my marriage, so angry--such a coward--it seemed easier to fix the pain with someone else, than to deal with what I inevitable had to deal with anyway.
catb Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 wanting to heal- i honestly believe that good people do things totally out of character for them when they feel desperate. I hope in your rebuilding that you get to the root of why she felt being with someone else was a choice. People in solid relationships don't cheat. Good luck to you both.
bigbuffs Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by cbros If you are unfulfilled in your marriage-work on it, let your spouse know what you need, your deepest desires, your dreams, your sorrows--exactly how you feel, let them tell you what they need ,desire etc. Go to counseling, make time for one another----make time for one of the most important thing in your life---the person you are sharing this existence with!!! Well said, that is what marriage is all about. Two becoming one. Having nothing between you and telling each other everything, good or bad. And, then working on what is bad. That mutual understanding is very important.
TMCM Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Another thing to consider is that the worst betrayal that an unfaithful spouse commits, isn't against his/her spouse but against him/herself. TMCM
wanting to heal Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Now that I have had some time to heal, I can see how much my wife needs me as a friend. She has to convince herself that her action was terrible, but she is not a terrible person. I need to help her in that. She is a good person that has made mistakes. I know that, and when I feel like a codependent I just remind myself how much she needs a friend right now. Being that friend to her is what is rebuilding our relationship. It makes me feel needed that I am the person she wants to turn to. The look in her eyes now tells me that I am wanted also, not just needed. Our love started as a friendship. The rebirth of our love must start the same way, and that friendship must be treated with the utmost care.
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