Eversmann Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 (edited) Before I start, I am from EU so there is no exclusive talk here you are exclusive automatically when you start dating. Also, I tend to fall in love fast when I really like someone which makes stuff harder. So, to start off I've been not dating for like 3 years, I didn't want to I was occupied with other hobbies and stuff but then at one point I found that all this stuff was getting boring and I needed to find someone already (I'm 25 she is 20). After some time, I hit a jackpot. If I wanted to setup a perfect date and a girl, that would be it. We hit off immediately. Lots of stuff in common, thinking the same way(even some rituals I do, she does too, stuff that I know no one else to do) She already knew my parents cuz she worked at a store near my house, my dad knew her grandma cuz she was a judge and he is a policeman. We would go out every other day at the start(later we slowed down to every several days) but we'd see each other daily cuz I'd drop by her work or if not I would call her. After some time, she started calling too and we'd have long talks, stuff was getting better by day. We went to kissing, intimate stuff, and all of that and she told me how happy she was and we really had a time of our lives. Until this Friday. On Thursday she started working night shift in a Kiosk, so I dropped by. She was really happy to see me and we talked for like an hour. We agreed to meet up the next day and hang out at my place. I told her I'd call her after 2 PM, but at 1 PM I get an SMS "I've been thinking I'm in a chaos right now, I need a little time alone. I'm sorry but I can't dedicate myself to anyone at this moment" That shattered me, because it was literally out of nowhere. And I couldn't get it out of her what happened and why she was like that. It was short but going so well I just did not expect this at all. I texted her how I am worried for her and that if she wanted to talk I'll be there for her and also how I'd like to talk face to face no matter what she decides in the end. Then last night at like 5 am she replies "I have decided. It is better to be like I already told you. I'm really sorry". Now, I feel like a flood washed me out. Everything I do or wherever I go it reminds me of her, about all the great time we had, the long night rides, the intimate stuff, the little rituals and things we had.... And when I think that we'll never see each other again and we'll never do any of this stuff we did it's just devastating. How do you cope with this? I know you need to keep yourself occupied but there are times when I can't and those times are just killing me. I know it'll go away but until it does I am having a hard time handling myself... Edited July 4, 2015 by Eversmann
Learningtowalkagain Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 Doesn't sound like an outright "I don't want to see you again", more like a I'm not ready to commit right now. There's nothing at this point you can do to make her feel otherwise, maybe she is overwhelmed in her life and wants to take a step back. You should do the same. Take 2 steps back, maybe she takes a step forward. If she really wants you to be in her life she'll contact you at some point. Chasing a girl who you want but is backing off never ends in success. Don't chase. Be content for now, if you start talking again take things slow and casual. Sounds like (you don't outright say it) that you were pushing for a relationship and she wasn't feeling it.
Author Eversmann Posted July 4, 2015 Author Posted July 4, 2015 (edited) I actually was not pushing. SHE was the one who actually made the first move on me after about 3 weeks, first move as in she wanted to be sexual. She joked how if she waited for me it would be God knows how long (cuz I was taking things not too fast didn't want to scare her off). After the intimate moment she opened up to me, told me how it was great with me how she feels good and we just talked about us together. I've given her a break, I am going to go and see her next talk face to face to see if I can help her in any way. I am just going to be casual, not pushy and I'll be honest and open. To me it also did not seem like an outright breakup, so that is why I want to see if something can be done. I'd like to mention that she has an ex bf, she was with him for 8 months but they mutually broke up cuz it didn't work out at all. They stayed in contact though from time to time, just casually. However that guy is really clingy, almost stalkerish. And it affects her. The longer we were together, the more she talked about it in a negative way (cuz we ran into him a few times and he kept calling her but she didn't wanna pick up). She said how it's hard when you just can't shake someone off and how he is not compatible with her and doesn't know what he wants. And she said that he should just move on and let her be. I didn't push it back then, but now I think I should've offered her help to deal with it cuz she said that she doesn't know how to shove him off without hurting him. Edited July 4, 2015 by Eversmann
Learningtowalkagain Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 She may have made the first move and was more aggressive sexually but that doesn't mean squat for where you're at at this moment. Women like sex too, you were going too slow, she wanted it, you gave it to her. Sex doesn't also equal automatic relationship. Do what you must by going to see her but you're going to push her further away. Like I said before, if she wants you to be in her life she'll contact you at some point. Women sort their feelings out differently then men, you're like me, once you like someone that's it you know what you want. With women you have to build an emotional bond with them. This takes time. We all like to think we can just swoop right in and sweep a girl we like off her feet but that doesn't always happen.
Emily Broke Up Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 If she actually told you she needs "a little time" off, then give it to her gladly, and move on. I don't think you should be waiting for her to come back because you might get hurt. So try to do some thing you like, and give yourself a little time to think about something else. Sometimes we get over relationships faster than we would think. If after a few weeks you still have this strong feeling, try to get back to her, casually. Without pushing her or you might scare her away. The hardest thing you have to do right now is not talking to her and deal with the pain. But the good news is that the longer the relationship, the harder it is to heal, so you should be ok soon. Take care
Author Eversmann Posted July 4, 2015 Author Posted July 4, 2015 (edited) She may have made the first move and was more aggressive sexually but that doesn't mean squat for where you're at at this moment. Women like sex too, you were going too slow, she wanted it, you gave it to her. Sex doesn't also equal automatic relationship. Do what you must by going to see her but you're going to push her further away. Like I said before, if she wants you to be in her life she'll contact you at some point. Women sort their feelings out differently then men, you're like me, once you like someone that's it you know what you want. With women you have to build an emotional bond with them. This takes time. We all like to think we can just swoop right in and sweep a girl we like off her feet but that doesn't always happen. That's true and I agree. The problem is I think the ex is "suffocating" her. As in she cannot have a normal relationship cuz he always stalks around and it affects her. She had some hard time in her life and can get moody easily if things don't seem to work out. That is why I wanted to talk to her face to face just to see how she reacts and if I can help in any way. I'm not gonna push her if she says again she thinks it's best to do what she told me via text I'll accept that. I'll tell her if she ever changes her mind and feels like talking or seeing me I'll be there for her. As for the emotional part I know that and I was working on that. Her reactions were telling me the emotional aspect was going steady. When we talk she tends to look me deep in the eyes and doesn't look away. From what I know that is a sign someone is interested in a deeper emotional connection in a case such as this where you are a couple? I could be wrong. If she actually told you she needs "a little time" off, then give it to her gladly, and move on. I don't think you should be waiting for her to come back because you might get hurt. So try to do some thing you like, and give yourself a little time to think about something else. Sometimes we get over relationships faster than we would think. If after a few weeks you still have this strong feeling, try to get back to her, casually. Without pushing her or you might scare her away. The hardest thing you have to do right now is not talking to her and deal with the pain. But the good news is that the longer the relationship, the harder it is to heal, so you should be ok soon. Take care Thanks Emily. I know the longer it is the harder it is to heal, maybe that is why she wanted to stop this early. But right now it just feels like you are falling to pieces and it is hard to deal with. Especially when you wake up or when you are alone at night. Edited July 4, 2015 by Eversmann
Author Eversmann Posted July 4, 2015 Author Posted July 4, 2015 I got one more question. I know this is pretty much impossible to guess but what do you guys think could be the reason for a sudden change of thought on her end? It was in less than 12 hours. It's as if something that night or so affected her to be like that. Also I kept our relationship quiet, aside from my closest friends and my parents. She did too. Do you think maybe she thought I told someone too soon and that affected her?
Emily Broke Up Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 I got one more question. I know this is pretty much impossible to guess but what do you guys think could be the reason for a sudden change of thought on her end? It was in less than 12 hours. It's as if something that night or so affected her to be like that. Also I kept our relationship quiet, aside from my closest friends and my parents. She did too. Do you think maybe she thought I told someone too soon and that affected her? That is actually for her to answer, it could be anything. I think it didn't happen in a few hours, but she was unsure of herself. You thought she was fine but she wasn't. Sometimes we only see what we want to see. About the pain, I'm so sorry, I wish there was something to do. Can you go see some friends? Recently I've been watching comedies and they help me. But I don't think it was what I needed right after the break up.
erklat Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 (edited) I had a feeling of reprisal of my own breakup while reading your story. We were also in short term relationship, had our rituals, jokes, she pushed for commitment because I was having a rough time in my life, I was unsure of what will happen to me in the near future then. She was also 20, unemployed, stalkerish ex who abused her, hit her twice, calling while we were on our dates etc. Everything was the same. Know what? RUN FORREST, RUN! And never look back. First she has unresolved feelings for her ex. Second, females aged 20 are very fickle. Harder to keep them in hand than wet soap. You're 25, you are not on the same pages in life. It was hard for me. To this date I sometimes pine even though it was two years ago and I had some really hawt women in the interim. NC her so much that she doubts her own existence. Then when she sees you all badass maybe couple of years from now when she finds herself she contacts you. She's not even emotionally formed as a person at that age. You have to touch the stove to know it's hawt. Now I don't even look at woman that age except for casual stuff. what do you guys think could be the reason for a sudden change of thought on her end? Unresolved feelings for her ex. Edited July 4, 2015 by erklat
aloneinaz Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 You really don't want to contact her again. She made it clear she was no longer interested. You don't want her to think you're becoming a stalker by continuing to not listen, right? You met her and you'll met someone else. You didn't mention how long you dated but only stated it was short. It won't take long at all to put her out of your mind. Don't overthink it.
Author Eversmann Posted July 5, 2015 Author Posted July 5, 2015 That is actually for her to answer, it could be anything. I think it didn't happen in a few hours, but she was unsure of herself. You thought she was fine but she wasn't. Sometimes we only see what we want to see. About the pain, I'm so sorry, I wish there was something to do. Can you go see some friends? Recently I've been watching comedies and they help me. But I don't think it was what I needed right after the break up. Yes I've been with friends and it does help, thanks for the kind words. @erklat I did talk to her about it and yes I am sure there are some unresolved feeling for her ex but she also said even though she sees all the quality and good stuff in him and that he is a good guy who she felt compatible with, due to other reasons she does not see a future with him. Now from the talk I think I realized she wants to move on but needs someone to push her a bit and for him to back off from being so clingy.
erklat Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 You put far too much importance in what she said. For all that you know that could all be guilt relieving bull****. Take things at face value. For all that you know she dumped you to be with someone else. Every breakup is essentially about this.
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