He's not sure if he wants to be with me :(

[spiderlily12]

I have been best friends with this guy for 1 year (known him for nearly 4). He's been in a long term relatonship for about 8 years. About six months into our close friendship we began to have feelings for each other and this dragged on for a while of us not doing anything about it because he said he could never leave his gf (close friendship circle, families were friends, she was financially dependent on him, and she's always been there for him and done nothing wrong) although I understood that the spark had gone out of their relationship a long time ago. I tried to cut contact with him a few times, but was always unsuccessful as we actually study together and so are forced to be together even if we didn't want to. He also lives 10mins away from me.

 

The very last time I got upset with him and started ignoring him, he did the unexpected and actually broke up with his gf. I understood he had been contemplating it for a while but didn't want to tell me until he'd actually done it.

 

However ever since then he's become very strange. Prior to that our relationship comprised of him constantly texting and calling me, and trying to see me and me being quite aloof (after all he IS in a relationship even if he barely ever saw his gf), even during our studies he'd always be hanging about trying to see if I needed any help.

 

After he broke up that's slowly changed. Even from the beginning he said he wasn't sure if we were going to be together. I took this quite well - it would be disrespectful to his gf to go out with someone new straight away, and I understood if he wanted to be single for a while. I too came out of a long term relationship about 1 year ago and I remembered how much I wanted to be single and have fun). In the beginning he still said obviously being with me was the ideal situation, he just didn't know how to get there without there being huge drama, and that he loved me of course.

 

Due to the precarious situation I admit there was times that I got upset with him and put some pressure on him - if not to be in an official relationship, than at least to priortize seeing me and spending time with me.

 

Obviously due to his new single status, I began to like him more and more and I guess my behaviour towards him changed as well. From being carefree and spontaneous (we used to go on midnight drives to random places), I became needy and controlling, constantly angry and sensitive over the smallest things. This was partially my fault but also due to some of his actions like maintaining contact with his ex-gf, and seeing her now and again (one particular time I'll mention later), not telling our friends about his break up and hence leading to them asking him about her in front of me (to which he'd give some vague answer), and also of course his increasingly constant "I'm not sure what's going to happen with us", that he was "confused about what he wants" and most hurtfully, "I don't want to hold you up, so you should see other people".

 

His ex-gf found out about me some time during this process and requested to meet up to talk about things and find out the truth. I'm not exactly sure what happened during this talk but although they did not decide to get back together (she doesn't want to be with him "right now" either), his attitude after this day changed a lot.

 

Although we would still see each other a lot (mostly in group situations), he would no longer try to find time to be with me alone, or kiss me when people weren't looking. This led to me acting more and more crazy, and eventually it led to a talk where he told me that although he still had "strong" emotions for me, that he was no longer sure it was love.

 

In addition he told me that he did not think we were compatible or that we would be happy together. That we were both selfish and headstrong and needed to be with people who loved us more than we loved them. Also during a drunken talk later with my house mate I gathered that he believed his ex-gf was the logical choice although he no longer loved her in that way, I guessed that his talk with her concluded with the possibility of getting back together in the future (if she is willing to forgive him for this, I do really think she is selfless).

 

He pointed out to all the times I've been upset over nothing and said that all of his had led to his feelings decreasing. I got really upset since this was the first time he'd ever said he didn't know whether he loved me, and was terrified of losing him. I asked him to be in a relationship with me just to try it. He said he would but he made me promise that I wouldn't try to change my personality and that I would continue to see other people.

 

Our "relationship" if you can call it that has lasted now for about five days. And it's been the worst five days of my life. He began acting even more cold towards me, although not really ignoring me, but prioritizing other things in his life over me. He has also stopped trying to be intimate. It's a huge 180degrees from the way he used to treat me, and reminded me of probably the way he used to treat his ex-gf when he was trying to break up with her (she held on just like I thought I might hold on, because we loved him so much).

 

Two days ago I'd had enough and asked him while he was drunk (we were both clubbing but with a bunch of our friends) and had been pretty much avoiding me the whole night, if he'd like to just be friends. He said yes, and seemed happy and confirmed that he didn't want me to wait for him while he "sorted his stuff out" (I said I'd be happy to do that if he wanted). He stayed over that night (he's also close with my house mate, and often sleeps over along with our other friends). Normally if we sleep together on the sofa bed we'd cuddle but that night he turned his back to me.

 

The next morning I asked him what he was doing that night. He said nothing and I asked him to go to a place where we'd gone to together where we confirmed we'd both liked each other, and where we'd avoided after that as we'd always said that would be the place we went to at the end of our relationship, like full circle.

 

He initially said yes, but then after 15mins came back around and said "I know why you want to go to X place", and that he didn't want to and that it would be "too sad". I was surprised to hear that he would find such an event sad, but thought maybe he just didn't want to spend any more time with me.

 

However to my surprise he stuck around the whole day, ferrying me and my house mate to places we'd like to go. Because I had mentally told myself things were over, my attitude went back to normal; being playful and funny, and his did too. He started hanging about me, following me around and pointing things out and making jokes, it was like old times. That night I asked him again about going to X place, but he said no. I brought up the convo last night where we'd ended things and he claimed he couldn't remember (!!) although I'm pretty sure he was lying and didn't forget anything else like the chat he'd had with our friend right after.

 

I reminded him what we had agreed and he claimed he couldn't remember agreeing to being just friends. I said "isn't that what you want" and he said "I'm not sure, let's just see", so he doesn't wanna break up?? As he left he gave me a look that I haven't seen a little while and said he'd call me.

 

He didn't call that night but I could tell he'd slept really early from his whatsapp login (we were all exhausted) and he was probably waiting for me to finish watching a movie with my house mate since we were just starting when he left.

 

This morning (the next day) he texted me first thing apologising for falling asleep and wanted to know if I'd be around in the city at night since he was going to be there (I said I wasn't sure), and then later on he texted me again wondering if I'd reached my family home safely. This was all reminsicent of the things he used to do when he was chasing me. I kept kind of aloof since I was scared of getting hurt again, and just a little while ago he texted again to see if I was going to be around in the city at night (I'm not it's too cold and I want him to go and have fun with his guy friends and maybe miss me a bit).

 

Should I take hope from this? That he's confused but maybe still potentially wnats to be with me? Should I be asking him out again (maybe tmr?) or show more emotions about wanting to see him? I'm scared this will drive him away again but then again I don't want him to feel I am now disinterested if his mood is precarious. Or should I just continue to ignore him until he has a clearer mind/asks to see me again/makes more moves?

 

What should I do? We are technically still "in a relationship" since he didn't want to "break up" yesterday night, but it's not a relationship resembling anything it should be.

 

Thanks!

[Satu]

I see a lot of disappointment over the horizon.

 

Unless he fully commits to you, that disappointment will hit you hard.

 

Remember this:

 

The relationship you have today is the relationship you have.

 

The past and future play no part.

 

 

Take care.

[Yookie]

"I don't want to hold you up, so you should see other people".

 

...I asked him to be in a relationship with me just to try it. He said he would but he made me promise that I wouldn't try to change my personality and that I would continue to see other people.

 

You should listen to him. He wants you to find someone else because he isn't the one for you. Coming out of a 8-year relationship, he will not be emotionally ready for a new one for quite some time.

[smackie9]

This is a bad time to be getting into a relationship with him. He needs time to process what just happened. You can't expect things to be all rosy and perfect when he isn't emotionally ready.

 

The reason why things were better before the breakup was because it was thrilling to be sneaking around....it excited him, got him feeling things he hasn't felt before...lust/passion/obsession.....but I doubt very highly it's love. I feel now that post breakup, he realizes that's all he was feeling......his perspective has changed.

 

I think he is sticking around now that you threatened (which is passive/aggressive on your part to get what you want from him) because he fears of being alone. That's why it doesn't resemble a real relationship.

 

The reality is, this has nothing to do with love but a game you play on him to stop him from slipping away. You need stop investing in him now. Doesn't matter what you do eventually he's going to move on.....So it's up to you to let this be a long slow painful death, of just get it over with an cut him off. Enough with the melodramatic "Let's meet at X place..." you are not 12 years old. A simple to his face, "I think we should just move on, this isn't working." will suffice.

 

Tip: rebound

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't going to end well for you. You talked him into a relationship, but he encourages you to see other guys - that is not a relationship. That is him giving in to your request but still keeping a foot out the door. No guy who truly wants to be with you would dream of telling you to date other men. He's told you that because he knows he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore.

 

Let him go. Put an end to this arrangement, because it's clearly not working for you. Do you feel loved and cherished? Do you feel he wants you for himself? Do you feel secure and happy that both of you want this? I doubt it.

 

There's no relationship here. I think ultimately he doesn't want to hurt you but he's going about it the wrong way.

[stillafool]

He's still rebounding over his ex gf. She's the one who broke it off with him and he's still hurt. He probably wants her back but doesn't know how to go about it or has tried with her and was rejected. What was fun (cheating with you) when he was in a relationship with her is now a sore spot and a reminder now that she is gone.

[angel.eyes]

So much is wrong with this story! When a guy encourages you to go date others and gives you a laundry list of reasons why you two would not be good together, believe him. I know you like him, and have been waiting on the sidelines for a year to date him, but let this one go. It's time to start dating other guys and to find a boyfriend elsewhere.