Took dating profile down because of the weirdos

[LookAtThisPOst]

What is the chat feature on Meet Up like?

 

Is it a group chat visible to all or is it a private chat thing?

 

My only other thought is whether she pulled out of the event if she was feeling too pressured when you were chatting to her on there.

Being singled out is awkward when you're on the receiving end.

I had a thing before dating site meets a few times where guys would focus conversation just on me and a coupe of times it was like they were taking all the fun out of going to the event for me by kinda 'claiming me' before I had a chance to go along, meet people and figure whether I was interested in anyone.

 

IT was a group comments section. She asked about when the party was starting as there were more than one time stated on the Meetup as she was confused. Some guy made a joke saying, "Well, if you're confused, then you're in the right frame of mind to attend."

 

I made a joke about randomly picking a time out of a jar and there was banter going back and forth between others...just cutting up and joking around. Wasn't zoning in on her in that conversation.

[LookAtThisPOst]

OP, I feel like you meant well and are sincere but I ditto what the others are saying about feeling stalkerish. I don't mean as a true dangerous stalker, but more being too forward and not just allowing things to evolve in an organic and natural process.

 

For me, and many others, I enjoy Meet up groups because even though some of them are singles groups, they aren't intended as a dating group (unless thats the mission of that particular group, and I don't join those.)

 

I feel like its a nice reprieve and excellent way to get to know people in general, and the most likely place for me to get to know a man of special interest and start a relationship. The reason for this, is that I can get to know them *over time* in natural social environments, and see how they are in general, before growing a genuine mutual interest and then going out together. Rather than a 2-D cyber profile that tells me absolutely nothing, and many times is a hotbed of falsehoods and waste of time.

 

Since I feel the meet ups are a sheltered environment, I don't like it when a guy immediately asks me out after one meet up when I talked to him 10 minutes. This isn't his fault. Its not my fault either. Its about personal comfort levels. I am not a shy person at all and I have dated a lot, so I suspect there are many others who feel as I do. I haven't always been this guarded at all, and I am also not jaded at all.

 

Right before I went off OLD (for the last time!!!) I had a similar experience as you describe. I was chatting here and there with someone from OLD site, but wasn't on it much b/c I wanted to drop the site anyway. Near the same time I joined a Meet up. I had seen his pic on the groups roster. So I hoped it wouldn't be a problem and I could just enjoy the group the way I wanted to, at a slow and natural pace. But he also recognized me and started to be really aggressive chatting me up and following me around making it awkward for me to talk to other people. I think he is a good guy, just misguided. I think that he felt that since I was on a dating site, I was actively seeking a dating partner everywhere I went. In actuality, I don't see meet ups as dating applications, I see them as avenues to get to know people.

 

So in summary, he wasn't a creep and he is a good guy, but I was turned off by what I felt was aggression and I ended up dropping the group so I could avoid him (I am in a bunch of others) and dropped the OLD site which I was going to do anyway.

 

It's kind of funny, I'm starting to see more and more people from Meetups on these dating sites. Some of them that had stopped attending Meetups altogether, start popping up on the sites as well. One that had a profile where she was completely frustrated with the "players and jerks wanting sex."

 

I have to say though, at the more social Meetups involving parties, drinking, water activities, about 90% of them are single/unattached as it is. The 4th of July Party I was at, one of my male friends said as the evening went from day to night, he said, "This is the 'player hour' to mingle around and chat up the ladies." I've even had women flirt with me. *shrug* One was going around tying glow stick bracelets to people, with me she was like "This is how I keep track of my boyfriends, lol" I joked back, no big deal.

 

Yes, this was coming from a man. lol. Basically, the transition from being active during the day, volleyball, boating, etc...going into the "lull" of the evening and this is where, esp. after having had a few to drink, was kind of the "witching hour" for men to putting on their game. At least according to him.

 

So whose to say whose intentions are what, but he said it was also good to mingle around and not zone in on one woman at the party either, which is something I never do...I just happened to see her profile on OK Cupid and as an opportunist, figured I'd go that route. There was this one dude that was always asking, "Where's Susie?" "Have you seen Susie?"

 

Also, both men and women check the RSVP list before hand to see what "cute guys/girls" are going to be at the event...if there aren't any to their liking, they don't even go. That's been known to happen. Saves them a lot of work. Where I live, a lot of single people go where the hotties are not.

 

This is why you see hundreds of members on Meetup sites, but none that actually GO to the events, or perhaps make an appearance once a year at some holiday themed event where they see 100+ signed up. They are just checking out the RSVP lists to see who's on the "menu."

 

It's usually the "Social" related events where people are just out to eat, socializing, or in the case of summer time events, water skiing, boating, volleyball, drinking, eating (pot luck stuff). Where the focus is mostly a social aspect instead of a "Mountain Biking" focused Meetup or "Basket weaving" meetups. You're less likely to find people flirting with you at the aforementioned niche' events.

 

Seeing their dating profile online just makes it obvious what their intentions are when you see them in person, basically, "Single and looking." At least they are hopeful.

[rester]

Seeing their dating profile online just makes it obvious what their intentions are when you see them in person, basically, "Single and looking." At least they are hopeful.

 

I'm confused at how you are finding all these single and looking women on both websites. Are you finding someone on meetup that you think is attractive, and then actively searching on the dating sites to see if they are single and looking? Or are there so few women on these sites that you run into them in multiple locations without searching?

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'm confused at how you are finding all these single and looking women on both websites. Are you finding someone on meetup that you think is attractive, and then actively searching on the dating sites to see if they are single and looking? Or are there so few women on these sites that you run into them in multiple locations without searching?

 

WHen I'm simply browsing the profile, I see their faces popup...often times they use the same profile picture everywhere.

 

This is an occasional situation where the timing coincided with each other. It's not like I'm deliberately seeking them out in both places. I just happened to see them as I am currently a member of one of the free dating sites and saw her there, but she also happens to be a meet up member that I noticed that was signed up for the same Meetup I was going to on the weekend.

 

This isn't a routine thing, just the right place at the right time.

[MidwestUSA]

 

This isn't a routine thing, just the right place at the right time.

 

If you'd read people's opinions here about the situation, you'd say wrong place at the wrong time.

[organizedchaos]

If you'd read people's opinions here about the situation, you'd say wrong place at the wrong time.

 

Well if history under this or his previous account is any indicator, he never does anything wrong or inappropriate, regardless as to how many people point it out.

[MidwestUSA]

Well if history under this or his previous account is any indicator, he never does anything wrong or inappropriate, regardless as to how many people point it out.

 

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

[GemmaUK]

It's kind of funny, I'm starting to see more and more people from Meetups on these dating sites. Some of them that had stopped attending Meetups altogether, start popping up on the sites as well. One that had a profile where she was completely frustrated with the "players and jerks wanting sex."

 

I have to say though, at the more social Meetups involving parties, drinking, water activities, about 90% of them are single/unattached as it is. The 4th of July Party I was at, one of my male friends said as the evening went from day to night, he said, "This is the 'player hour' to mingle around and chat up the ladies." I've even had women flirt with me. *shrug* One was going around tying glow stick bracelets to people, with me she was like "This is how I keep track of my boyfriends, lol" I joked back, no big deal.

 

Yes, this was coming from a man. lol. Basically, the transition from being active during the day, volleyball, boating, etc...going into the "lull" of the evening and this is where, esp. after having had a few to drink, was kind of the "witching hour" for men to putting on their game. At least according to him.

 

So if that is the way it works then follow that formula instead of zoning in before a meet up or via any different site.

[Rejected Rosebud]

OP why do you put things up here and just 100% refute what responses you get, especially when almost everybody is saying the same thing? For sure you came off as creepy to that woman!!! Which is fine but why do the same behavior over and over and then write a thread about how lame the woman is?? If you would like different results maybe act different yourself??:confused: Or is this just what you enjoy doing, weirding ladies out and then complaining about them, or just picking apart women's dating profiles?? If this is your ultimate goal with online dating and meetups you are doing great don't change anything!

[Teknoe]

Heh, Look, don't be too offended. People do weird stuff like this all the time, and some people are way too guarded/close minded. Not to say they're in the wrong per se, but it's a bit sad that they just can't keep an open line of communication. But let's face it, she wasn't interested in you because when a woman IS interested, she'll make "things happen" where she can either see you, or talk to you.

 

Whenever a woman bolts, or doesn't have the time or is "busy," that's talk for I don't like you that way.

 

I have a funny example. I recently went to this church as a first time visitor. I noticed a woman that I met there who was on Match. Like, it was clearly her. Now I had seen her profile on Match before, but I never messaged her because I was not interested in dating her. I almost asked if she was _____ on Match when we shook hands during meet and greet time, but I thought that would be awkward and decided it was best that I just messaged her through Match later that day.

 

So I did.

 

Just wrote something friendly and super brief like "Hey, saw you earlier in church today. Wanted to ask if it was you but felt that would have been awkward lol. Anyway, I enjoyed my visit to church today. How long have you been going and what do you like about your church?"

 

She never replied. It said she viewed it, too, BTW.

 

Then, a couple nights later I attended her small group. She never brought it up and I felt sort of a cold distant attitude from her. It really didn't bother me much but I remember thinking, "Gosh, this is awkward-ish. What's her problem that she can't just reply? It wasn't like I was asking her out or anything. Besides, aren't Christians supposed to be loving? Not even replying didn't seem too loving to me."

 

Needless to say, I never returned to small group or that church. It wasn't because of her or the incident, but it certainly contributed to the feeling that that particular place just wasn't the right fit for me.

 

So I can relate. Even when you're not romantically interested in a girl, sometimes they can give you the brush off and cold shoulder. Kinda weird but whatever. It is what it is. I know my worth and if someone ain't gonna give me their time, they ain't gonna get mine. That's how all of us should view relationships. We need to be confident enough to walk away if need be. Otherwise we give others power over us and end up being a punching bag. Respect yourself, and make sure others respect you, or walk away.

[Teknoe]

I don't think it's a great idea to contact someone on a dating site to ask her why she changed her RSVP to a meetup event. I understand that you mean no harm, but it comes across as cyberstalking. Most women won't respond positively to that. I, for one, would have blocked you on both sites as soon as that happened.

 

In fact, many women wouldn't respond well even if you had kept it to the same site. Why is some random guy monitoring their RSVP and quizzing them about their reasons for declining?

 

I would just go to the Meetup event today, see who shows up, and chat with those people. That's most likely to yield a positive outcome.

 

 

Hmmm, now that I had a chance to read OP's post a 2nd time, I can see why the behavior rubbed this woman the wrong way.

 

With my church example, I don't think I should have rubbed her the wrong way but I did. But my example and OP's are different.

 

OP's example does seem to be bordering on cyberstalking, while mine was more happenstance and friendly and non-intrusive.

 

Anyway, OP, it looks like you have a history of not taking advice to heart. That could be detrimental to your self improvement. There was a poster here who got banned recently who posted the same stuff over and over again but never took anyone's feedback. He never improved over the course of 7 years here, in fact he seemed to have gotten worse over time as he got older and more stubborn.

 

I wish you the best. Don't be THAT guy.

[LookAtThisPOst]

So you stopped going to that church only because of the level of discomfort after contacting the church member on Match? Just curious, why not approach her in person.

 

What I would've have done, if I had seen her on Match.com...I wouldn't email her, but the next church event I'd approach her and strike up a conversation (not mention the site), but it kind of gives you a green light to at least knowing she's available.

 

Most people at my church are married or at least engaged. Mostly couples there. You rarely see single people attend church....seems attending church is a married couples thing to do.

 

So you're saying I could've contacted her via OK Cupid, but left out "I saw you change your RSVP to 'No'?" mention?

 

Would have meeting in person prior to contacting them on the online dating site would have made a difference?

 

There's actually a woman I've known....in real life... through the Meetups, but just recently seen her on OK Cupid and sent her a, "Hey, small world and funny meeting you here." Type of introduction.

 

Usually, they can be responsive if we have already met, but even that...I'm not so sure either.

 

I think I have a hard time discerning this situation and I'm thinking that "This is a great ice breaker, because we know each other from other events.

 

Some may say, "If you've already met and THEN see her on a dating site, then at LEAST you made a connection." Yes?

 

On the other hand, for those who I haven't met (yet), there's a ton of people on these Meetup sites that never go to events...sometimes I'd contact them to chat them up and I'd score dates with them.

 

 

I recall one I dated that when I asked her if she ever attended or will ever attend events....she said "Nah, I was just looking around".

 

Some join Meetups with no intention of ever actually going to one. Usually because they already have a large circle of friends outside of Meetup.

 

I've even just freely contacted new members that join Meetup and scored dates with them just by randomly contacting them. Go figure, depends on the person. I think there is some inherent level of risk when it comes to making an approach.

 

Hmmm, now that I had a chance to read OP's post a 2nd time, I can see why the behavior rubbed this woman the wrong way.

 

With my church example, I don't think I should have rubbed her the wrong way but I did. But my example and OP's are different.

 

OP's example does seem to be bordering on cyberstalking, while mine was more happenstance and friendly and non-intrusive.

 

Anyway, OP, it looks like you have a history of not taking advice to heart. That could be detrimental to your self improvement. There was a poster here who got banned recently who posted the same stuff over and over again but never took anyone's feedback. He never improved over the course of 7 years here, in fact he seemed to have gotten worse over time as he got older and more stubborn.

 

I wish you the best. Don't be THAT guy.

[xxoo]

Heh, Look, don't be too offended. People do weird stuff like this all the time, and some people are way too guarded/close minded. Not to say they're in the wrong per se, but it's a bit sad that they just can't keep an open line of communication. But let's face it, she wasn't interested in you because when a woman IS interested, she'll make "things happen" where she can either see you, or talk to you.

 

Whenever a woman bolts, or doesn't have the time or is "busy," that's talk for I don't like you that way.

 

I have a funny example. I recently went to this church as a first time visitor. I noticed a woman that I met there who was on Match. Like, it was clearly her. Now I had seen her profile on Match before, but I never messaged her because I was not interested in dating her. I almost asked if she was _____ on Match when we shook hands during meet and greet time, but I thought that would be awkward and decided it was best that I just messaged her through Match later that day.

 

So I did.

 

Just wrote something friendly and super brief like "Hey, saw you earlier in church today. Wanted to ask if it was you but felt that would have been awkward lol. Anyway, I enjoyed my visit to church today. How long have you been going and what do you like about your church?"

 

She never replied. It said she viewed it, too, BTW.

 

Then, a couple nights later I attended her small group. She never brought it up and I felt sort of a cold distant attitude from her. It really didn't bother me much but I remember thinking, "Gosh, this is awkward-ish. What's her problem that she can't just reply? It wasn't like I was asking her out or anything. Besides, aren't Christians supposed to be loving? Not even replying didn't seem too loving to me."

 

Needless to say, I never returned to small group or that church. It wasn't because of her or the incident, but it certainly contributed to the feeling that that particular place just wasn't the right fit for me.

 

So I can relate. Even when you're not romantically interested in a girl, sometimes they can give you the brush off and cold shoulder. Kinda weird but whatever. It is what it is. I know my worth and if someone ain't gonna give me their time, they ain't gonna get mine. That's how all of us should view relationships. We need to be confident enough to walk away if need be. Otherwise we give others power over us and end up being a punching bag. Respect yourself, and make sure others respect you, or walk away.

 

If you met her in church, and would presumably see her at church again (she attends there), why touch the subject of Match at all? You know she's single, so you already have that advantage. Getting to meet someone in person is another advantage. The church environment is a HUGE advantage, because you could potentially see her weekly and build up interest before asking her out. The Match acct is irrelevant if you can speak to her in person. And, as was predictable, it made her uncomfortable for someone she met in person at church to contact her on Match.

[LookAtThisPOst]

If you met her in church, and would presumably see her at church again (she attends there), why touch the subject of Match at all? You know she's single, so you already have that advantage. Getting to meet someone in person is another advantage. The church environment is a HUGE advantage, because you could potentially see her weekly and build up interest before asking her out. The Match acct is irrelevant if you can speak to her in person. And, as was predictable, it made her uncomfortable for someone she met in person at church to contact her on Match.

 

I suppose some people don't like it when "worlds collide"?

 

Funny thing, a while back I knew of a woman that I met on a dating site awhile back. There was this good sized church that had their own singles ministry. She said she goes to said church, but only for service. She tried out the singles activities, but the men there weren't too her liking and thus she went the online route. I think the fact that whoever she met online were active, church attending Christians were irrelevant to her and that attraction was biggie for her as well as compatibility. Some Christians will forsake single people in their own church to date outsiders, I recall that was kind of gripe with single men in their churches, they got tired of trying to date women in their church because some of the women there would be dating men they would meet at night clubs or just outside their church that weren't "active" church-going CHristians. Some of these women never brought their boyfriends to church either, so she would be off limits to the single men in her congregation, even though she was dating an outsider.

 

She claimed the guys at the singles events were kind of socially awkward or too many "Swarmed" her at the parties/singles events.

Edited July 9, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[angel.eyes]

You've started threads on this point in the past.

 

Again, just because two people are both Christian doesn't make them automatically compatible. Ditto for both liking kayaking or whatever your gripe of the day is with a particular "unreasonable" woman. At some point, you're going to have to accept that it takes more than one thing in common to sustain a relationship successfully. These women recognize that.

 

We have choices in life. Continue with more of the same or improve in an effort to achieve our goals. It's entirely up to you. You can continue to behave in a manner that's socially inappropriate and alienates most of the women you interact with. You can continually berate and belittle them and women generically for choosing to pass on your offers? Or you can consider the feedback you get and what you need to do differently if you wish to enter a romantic relationship and sustain it?

 

Which is it? Door #1 or door#2?

[Teknoe]

So you stopped going to that church only because of the level of discomfort after contacting the church member on Match? Just curious, why not approach her in person.

 

No, I visited once and that was enough for me.

 

As for those asking why not approach her, I did speak with her in person but I never brought up the dating website. Also, I was not interested in her romantically. The Match email was simply along the lines of "hey small world" (with no intention of going the romantic path).

 

Personally, this is where perspectives vary. If a girl message me on Match saying "Hey I saw you at church today. Didn't want to ask if it was you lol" then I would be totally cool with it.

 

However, others can be put off by it and feel awkward. Understandable.

 

No harm no foul. I'm not seeing her ever again, lol. But yeah, lesson learned. Next time, even if I'm not romantically interested, there's no need to shoot someone that "small world" business. Most girls probably misinterpret the intent anyway, especially if they don't find you attractive (which is ironic considering I didn't find HER attractive, was just trying to be friendly and strike up some common "happenstance ground")

[xxoo]

No, I visited once and that was enough for me.

 

As for those asking why not approach her, I did speak with her in person but I never brought up the dating website. Also, I was not interested in her romantically. The Match email was simply along the lines of "hey small world" (with no intention of going the romantic path).

 

Personally, this is where perspectives vary. If a girl message me on Match saying "Hey I saw you at church today. Didn't want to ask if it was you lol" then I would be totally cool with it.

 

However, others can be put off by it and feel awkward. Understandable.

 

No harm no foul. I'm not seeing her ever again, lol. But yeah, lesson learned. Next time, even if I'm not romantically interested, there's no need to shoot someone that "small world" business. Most girls probably misinterpret the intent anyway, especially if they don't find you attractive (which is ironic considering I didn't find HER attractive, was just trying to be friendly and strike up some common "happenstance ground")

 

Dating websites are for dating. Unless you know the person very well, consider it inappropriate to email people you've met elsewhere on dating websites just to say, "I see you".

[MidwestUSA]

Dating websites are for dating. Unless you know the person very well, consider it inappropriate to email people you've met elsewhere on dating websites just to say, "I see you".

 

So true. Because, despite of its popularity, and the success some have with it, face it, it's still ever so slightly embarrassing to admit you've 'resorted to' online dating.

 

The same goes for facebook. If you hunt someone down on facebook because you've met them out and about, you're intruding on their private territory. I know, the words private and Facebook don't go together, but basically, you're treading where you haven't been invited.

[scorpiogirl]

No, I visited once and that was enough for me.

 

As for those asking why not approach her, I did speak with her in person but I never brought up the dating website. Also, I was not interested in her romantically. The Match email was simply along the lines of "hey small world" (with no intention of going the romantic path).

 

Personally, this is where perspectives vary. If a girl message me on Match saying "Hey I saw you at church today. Didn't want to ask if it was you lol" then I would be totally cool with it.

 

However, others can be put off by it and feel awkward. Understandable.

 

No harm no foul. I'm not seeing her ever again, lol. But yeah, lesson learned. Next time, even if I'm not romantically interested, there's no need to shoot someone that "small world" business. Most girls probably misinterpret the intent anyway, especially if they don't find you attractive (which is ironic considering I didn't find HER attractive, was just trying to be friendly and strike up some common "happenstance ground")

 

 

As you said "lesson learned". You took a chance, and though your intention wasn't even to ask her out or show interest, you learned from that experience.

 

I probably wouldn't ignore your email but I wouldn't send an open-ended reply back that encouraged you to write back.

 

It's great that you have that awareness.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I recall that was kind of gripe with single men in their churches, they got tired of trying to date women in their church because some of the women there would be dating men they would meet at night clubs or just outside their church that weren't "active" church-going CHristians. .

Um ... did you and these griping men that you recall ever think that these church ladies did not happen to BE INTERESTED in those griping church going men, and WERE interested in the other guys from outside?? Sheesh. Don't get me wrong but srsly, do you know some women in real life, and talk with them & stuff or is your interaction 100% with their dating profiles???

[rester]

I suppose some people don't like it when "worlds collide"?

 

Funny thing, a while back I knew of a woman that I met on a dating site awhile back. There was this good sized church that had their own singles ministry. She said she goes to said church, but only for service. She tried out the singles activities, but the men there weren't too her liking and thus she went the online route. I think the fact that whoever she met online were active, church attending Christians were irrelevant to her and that attraction was biggie for her as well as compatibility. Some Christians will forsake single people in their own church to date outsiders, I recall that was kind of gripe with single men in their churches, they got tired of trying to date women in their church because some of the women there would be dating men they would meet at night clubs or just outside their church that weren't "active" church-going CHristians. Some of these women never brought their boyfriends to church either, so she would be off limits to the single men in her congregation, even though she was dating an outsider.

 

She claimed the guys at the singles events were kind of socially awkward or too many "Swarmed" her at the parties/singles events.

 

Ever hear the phrase, "don't sh/t where you eat" or "don't dip your pen in the company ink"? For many people, this applies to churches and neighborhoods, too.

[LookAtThisPOst]

especially if they don't find you attractive

 

Yeah, I think they wouldn't find it creepy, no matter how you contacted them (on or off line), if they found you attractive, all bets are off.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Ever hear the phrase, "don't sh/t where you eat" or "don't dip your pen in the company ink"? For many people, this applies to churches and neighborhoods, too.

 

Actually, I was told the best place to meet someone is at church and it's singles ministries. Same beliefs, like-mindedness, etc.

 

 

I think the whole "don't shyt where you eat" should only apply to the work place. But yet I'm finding people posting about others having a "crush" on someone at work, but yet considering asking them out *Shrug*. Go figure.

 

Seems we're purposely finding excuses to find venues not to date and this leaves venues it seems people find comfort in case "things don't work out" they want to meet people where theY KNOW they won't see them again.

 

Sounds like that leaves the only options as being bars, LOL

[GemmaUK]

Actually, I was told the best place to meet someone is at church and it's singles ministries. Same beliefs, like-mindedness, etc.

 

 

I think the whole "don't shyt where you eat" should only apply to the work place. But yet I'm finding people posting about others having a "crush" on someone at work, but yet considering asking them out *Shrug*. Go figure.

 

Seems we're purposely finding excuses to find venues not to date and this leaves venues it seems people find comfort in case "things don't work out" they want to meet people where theY KNOW they won't see them again.

 

Sounds like that leaves the only options as being bars, LOL

 

Wherever a person meets someone there needs to be attraction from both parties as a start point.

The gripes the guys had about women dating outsiders? It simply means these ladies weren't attracted to any of them or perhaps these ladies also do the same as I do:

 

I have never dated anyone at work (or this could be translated to in church if I were a regular church goer) but if ever I was interested in doing so I would

take into consideration their manner when they have been in a relationship or dating someone in the past as well as things they have previously said about their relationships and dates.

There are certain behaviours both within their previous relationships and after them that I would avoid completely if I knew that I would see them day in day out or week in week out if the relationship failed.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Yeah, I think they wouldn't find it creepy, no matter how you contacted them (on or off line), if they found you attractive, all bets are off.

Why do some of you guys find it so outrageous that women need to feel attracted to the men they choose to be with? :confused: