Sweets1919 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 I ended things with my boyfriend (of 8 months) yesterday. The basic problems were: -over the last week and a half he did not really call me, did not call to confirm plans that he was coming to see me (from work 7 hrs away) so we could go away together (I had even told him I bought a plane ticket), did not return my phone calls or respond to my texts. -Left me wondering all last week "why isn't he calling", "why isn't he returning my call", "is he showing up as we planned" "why won't he call and say he has to work longer"......I was confused and stressed out. -When I spoke to him last Wednesday (he had not called since Saturday and was SUPPSOSED to arrive at my house last Tuesday night), I even asked him if everything was "ok with us", saying we can talk about it if something is wrong....he's like "no, everything is fine" -He told me on Wed. that he was stuck at work till Friday. I found out Thursday night (not from him) he got off work on Wednesday (3hours after telling me he's there till Friday), drove 7 hours to my city, spent $85 at a hotel/motel in my city, went shopping in my city on Thursday. Before I found out he was off work, I was being understanding and sent him a text saying I hope work is going well, looking forward to seeing him. (to me a normal person would feel guilty having deceived the person they claim to "love", knowing I'm at home thinking about him and thinking he's at work when he's not) -Next contact was Friday. He called, and told me he is still at work and would be to my place Sunday. I told him I knew he was lying....he is like "I'll call you back",...calls back, I say "tell me why you are lying, what is going on" and he basically says he needs space, unsure about our relationship and needs the weekend to think, is going to help friends move all weekend, will call me Monday. -on Friday he told me he had not even come to my city , had passed by, but then I found out about the hotel charge. Also found out on w/e that he had not gone to help friends move, but had spent the weekend in my city with his new "buddies" from work. -We talked on Sunday (after I left a v/m saying his stuff is on my front porch for him to come p/u). He continued to tell lies about where he has been, saying he did not stay in my city on Wed etc. Getting mad at me for "not trusting him". ****He did not sound remorseful, did not say "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry I hurt you" (it hurts to not have phone calls returned, texts asking when he is off work not responded to, to be left in limbo wondering if/when he is showing up as we had planned. It hurts being lied to over and over.....he cheated on me in November and "seemed" sorry and like he didn't want to lose me........I didn't think he would lie like this b/c obviously it hurts! So my question is, seeing he was not forthcoming yesterday about all of the truth, he is supposedly hanging out with guys from work (who he met two weeks ago) from last Wednesday until tomorrow!!!....he said he wants to talk in person, but it will have to wait until Tuesday...(obviously this is not a priority to him)....do you think I will ever get a straight answer from him about any of this? He keeps saying he lies b/c he doesn't want to make me mad...but it is the lying and lack of respect that is making me madder than anything. I felt like I gave 100% in this relationship, tried to be understanding when he is gone 2 weeks at a time and not be "demanding", did not get upset when he wanted to go out with his friends, I sacrificed time etc, and even asked him straight out if there is a problem ....he said no (last week), and that just ends up making me feel like I am paranoid/insecure........when in reality there was obviously a huge problem and he just didn't have the guts to say anything. I want to understand it, I want to just have a real talk with him that makes it clear. But he has been so evasive and secretive about the last week, and his plans, that I think it might be a futile effort. If he felt unsure about our relationship or "scared of commitment" (as he said), wouldn't a mature person TALK to their partner about their feelings? He just kept saying everything is fine and led me to believe things were fine with us now and for the future.....but his actions this past week said everything BUT!! He didn't take responsibility for his actions. Instead yesterday blamed: ---ME for wanting to go home with him for the weekend (said he felt trapped...I said he could have called and told me he wanted to go alone...esp. seeing I had initially encouraged him to go by himself for two weeks, have a good quality visit with friends and family....then he said he was so disappointed that I decided to go), ---that he felt scared of me wanting to get married (he is 26, I am 31 and I told him I want marriage/kids one day.....again, he could have sat me down and had a real discussion....not his casual "I like things the way they are and I don't want things to get really serious" that he said in passing a few weeks ago) My mom and dad are both sure he is with another girl.......I can't even fathom that....but it seems weird that he just met these guys and is spending a week with them partying. To me, if he wanted to think or get some space, he would have driven home (14 hrs away) to be with real friends and family.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Hon, red flags all over this situation. Yes, a mature person in a relationship would want to communicate. He's not. He already cheated on you once and you can't fathom him doing it again? Ummm, his actions are not of someone who wants to be forgiven- for the first incidence. Let me give you a little tip. When you bring up something that someone is feeling guilty about, or that they know they are doing- they tend to get defensive and try to turn the topic back to you- deflect it from them. That is what he is doing by saying you don't trust him etc. Of course you don't trust him- he hasn't given you any reason to. You guys have been together eight months? Well if I count back that means he cheated on you after two months? This is not someone who wants a relationship. Lick your wounds and move on.
Author Sweets1919 Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 Exactly, I guess the frustrating thing is that he can't seem to be honest about his feelings. I guess he wants to have his cake and eat it too. In the Fall he didn't just have a one night stand (and i don't really mean "just"), but he actually started a relationship with another girl. He would send us both txts to say good morning (a minute apart) and call us both to say goodnight. Neither one of us knew about the other. She told him to go to hell when I called her and told her I was his girlfriend (at least in this city). I was devastated and stunned that this had happened. He and I talked for about 15 hours in 5 days (more than I think ever in our relationship even now) and he said that he was afraid of moving too fast (he had just left a 9 yr relationship)....so we decided to build a relationship based on friendship....he wanted to "get back together" but i wanted to see if this more attentive attitude was real...so we really "officially" got back together in January, although we were never really apart as in a separation. SO, even after all that to me it seemed like he really did want to be with me b/c that's what he was saying. I believed that he was "confused"....and did not communicate. Unfortunately he still can't, and I know I can't put my sense of self on the line waiting for him to "come clean" and tell me everything, because his past behaviour tells me that he doesn't tell the truth until he is totally backed into a corner and I have proof of what is the truth.
NiCoLe20 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 drop him and get rid of him. he's not worth it. if he cheated on you once thats his fault, if he cheats on you a sencond time, its your fault. if he did it once, he could do it again.... and from the way you wrote things, it sounds like thats what he's doing. find someone who cares about you as much as you care about them. if you cant trust him then theres no point in the relationship.
HoldOn Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Be strong, Sweets. I know you want closure, but you'll have to do it yourself instead of with him. Write him a letter and don't mail it. Burn it along with all his stuff if he doesn't come pick it up.
BrotherAaron Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I recommend never talking to him again, about anything. And burning his stuff. He gave you every reason to suspect that he is cheating on you, it is your responsibility to assume that he is, and hate him for it. It's fine to jump to conclusions. That's what he gets for doing it once - that means it's perfectly ok to assume he's doing it again and never forgive him for it, no matter how hard he swears that it isn't true. You can't believe him, so don't be a fool and convince yourself otherwise. No amount of dishonesty from an already untrustworthy man should be tolerated.
Author Sweets1919 Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by BrotherAaron That's what he gets for doing it once - that means it's perfectly ok to assume he's doing it again and never forgive him for it, no matter how hard he swears that it isn't true. You can't believe him, so don't be a fool and convince yourself otherwise. No amount of dishonesty from an already untrustworthy man should be tolerated. Exactly.....even if he were telling me the truth, and it sounds sketchy and unplausible then how can I believe him? I can't. To me, if someone had lied before and knew that the other person demanded truth/honesty in the relationship (not too much to ask), then why would they risk it all by lying more....unless the truth was worse than what they were telling. My girlfriend (a cheater in the past)....said that people lie when they have something to hide...simple as that. So she asked me "what is he hiding"..........it was another girl and a whole other relationship last time so it stands to reason (even if it is not the case) that that is what is going on here. He had the nerve on Friday to ask if we could go "home" (for our road trip) on the next weekend.....so what he had really wanted was to go hang out with "whoever" from at least last Wed. to Sunday....then come to my house as if he had been "at work" the whole time.....so although i know seeing his bank account was wrong...I trusted my gut and found out he was lying. If I had "trusted" him, I would have been a sucker again. (and he would know it!) PS, his stuff is STILL outside, and I have had no word from him since sunday when he was like "I have to go, I'll call you later" YA, RIGHT
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