Never done this before, intense pain

[NeverHurtSoMuch]

So, i've posted my story on here before, so this time I'll keep it to a short summary and an update.

 

I'm 18 and just graduated high school. Around 15 months ago I met this amazing girl and we fell in love instantly. For the first year, we were completely head over heels in love with each other, and inseparable. It was truly amazing, and we started telling each other that we were the loves of each others lives. We were each other's first kiss, love and first "time." Around 13 months into the relationship, she started acting cold and distant towards me. Now, we had our fair share of fights, but we always made up and ended up stronger together. I've always had this insecurity that I would lose her, and when she started acting cold and distant, I started becoming slightly possessive and controlling, and we started fighting almost constantly. She never gave me a direct reason for her coldness, just that she "didn't feel normal with me." After 2 months of non-stop fights and things getting progressively worse, she asked for a break. Halfway through the break, she texts me saying she made a mistake. Then, we fight again and she breaks up with me. Get back together. Break up again, and here is where I stand.

It has been 8 days since the most recent break up, and I think this is the final one. The first break up lasted only four days, and as soon as we broke up, she was devastated and crying, and got back with me just four days later.

 

Immediately following this break up, I made the mistake of texting her and her friends several times, asking if she was sad about the breakup and if there was a chance of getting back together. All of her friends told me that there was no chance, and her best friend, on my exes instructions, told me to leave her the F alone. Then, my ex called me and told me that it was certainly over. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she couldn't say she doesn't, but she does not want to be with me. The next day I went over to her house to pick up my stuff, and left her a letter that outlined how much I truly love her and want to make things work with her. She did not respond to this, and when I prompted, she said the letter did not change her mind and that she was more content than sad about the breakup. After this, I stopped texting her for five days. This morning, I wrote her another letter, this time telling her exactly what I think went wrong in our relationship, as we had so much love turn into this. I went to deliver it to her by hand, and she freaked out, saying she doesn't want to see me. She did, however, listen to what I had to say and took the letter. When I got home from her house, I find out that she blocked me on Facebook. I was really hurt by this.

 

To complicate matters, college starts in less than two months, and we're going to colleges that are just 30 miles away from each other. This was not planned, although we had planned to stay together in college regardless of distance.

 

I'm sitting here now, and I don't know what to do. Just 3 months ago this girl was telling me how much she loved me and was committed to me, and now this. I know she still cares about me, but I just don't know what to do. I can't live without her, but I can't even contact her now. The pain is immense, and completely earth shattering. This is the girl I thought I would spend my life with. What we had was so amazing and special and committed. I genuinely feel as though I will never feel this way about anyone else. Should I wait some time and then try and contact her again? Should I forget her and move on? Should I contact her in college? Do you think she'll contact me? What should I do?

[Itspointless]

I can't live without her, but I can't even contact her now. The pain is immense, and completely earth shattering. This is the girl I thought I would spend my life with. What we had was so amazing and special and committed. I genuinely feel as though I will never feel this way about anyone else. Should I wait some time and then try and contact her again? Should I forget her and move on? Should I contact her in college? Do you think she'll contact me? What should I do?

You should stop contacting her and work on moving on. That means processing your emotions and not contacting her now or within a certain time. You will know if she wants to try again, but reading your story I think her feelings wont come back. Sorry.

[d0nnivain]

Losing your 1st love sucks & it hurts. But it won't be your last love.

 

 

College will open up a whole new world for you: new people, new experiences, new girls. A few weeks into the semester your EX will be the girl you dated in HS, nothing more.

 

 

For now, the big take away for you ought to be the old saying: If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. When she grew cold & distant, your instinct to hang on tighter & get more possessive was the mistake.

 

 

As for the idea that you have had your "share of fights", fighting is not healthy. I have been married for almost 7 years, together for 9. I don't run out of fingers on one hand counting the # of fights DH & I have had. Yes, there have been times we had a difference of opinion; we are currently struggling to pick new kitchen cabinets but outright fights have been few & far between. My point is that fighting is NOT healthy.

[wizer]

You must not contact her. Ever again.

 

So what your college is 30 miles away. Its far enough that you wont run into her accidentally. Imagine if the two of you went to the same school and you'd be constantly thinking about running into her or worse yet seeing her with another guy.

 

She did the gradual pullback thing. Each time she was able to detach more and more, until she was able to cut the cord for good.

 

These letters you write her.. it's all about YOU and what YOU want and how YOU feel. Don't confuse that with what she wants. At this point it's all about her. If there was any small chance of her changing her mind again, you pretty much stamped that one out because of your post breakup actions. You can't make someone want to be with you no matter how you act or what you say. It has to come from them and it seems pretty clear that she is done.