binrob Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 Me and my ex were each others first love, first everything. We were together 4 years. We had a pretty bad split. First she broke up in september and started casually dating this dude. I was a wreck.Then after a month and half of NC I contacted her and we started talking and we decided to take it slow. She told me she loved me and wanted to try again. 3 weeks after that she does a 180 and decided to split up again. She basically just cut me out of her life. 2 weeks later I see her with another guy. They got into a relationship really fast and they even went on a vacation together a month after we broke up. I was cut out of her life like I was trash and turned her firends and family against me. As you can imagine I was not only a wreck since I had just suffered losing her and then slowly closing that wound when she came back only to have it ripped open and left even more confused and hurt than before. Most people told me it was a rebound and all that crap. Well it's been 8 months. They are still together. They seem super happy and he seems to have everything she thought I lacked. Anyway January was the last time I contacted her in any way. I have gone dark since then. I have worked on myself. After we broke up I quit going to the gym many months and lost a ton of weight. I have since then gotten back to the gym, am in great shape. I have applied to college and will start this fall. I have moved to a new place since she had just moved in next door to me just before we broke up. I am talking to other girls and stuff but nothing serious. Lately I have been feeling like I want to contact her. Not to rekindle. Not to get back together. I will not lie and say I am over her. But I don't believe we will ever get back together and have come to terms with that. I don't know why. I just feel like it is something I need to do to let go completely. I have been resisting the urge. I keep telling myself to sleep on it. But I still wake up everyday feeling it's something I need to do. What should I do? Why do I feel this way?
ravfour4 Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 I bet you're thinking that there's a small chance now that you've spent a lot of time on yourself and a part of you wonders if she's sitting out there waiting for you to contact her. At a minimum, wait a couple more weeks and try not to think about her at all during that time, then reevaluate.
Author binrob Posted July 4, 2015 Author Posted July 4, 2015 I bet you're thinking that there's a small chance now that you've spent a lot of time on yourself and a part of you wonders if she's sitting out there waiting for you to contact her. At a minimum, wait a couple more weeks and try not to think about her at all during that time, then reevaluate. I doubt she is waiting for me to contact her. Infact I pretty much know that is not the case. They way things ended and the way things are I bet all I have that I am but a distant memory. As I said, I have come to terms with it being over for good. I just feel like because of how things ended so abruptly, so chaotic, so confusingly, I need to reach out to settle my mind and let go. I will take your advice to heart though and wait a bit more before I decide. I have kept NC for this long, I am in no hurry to break it.
dumbass2 Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 (edited) DON"T DO IT! You will feel so much worse if you try to contact her at all. She is with someone else. Has been for a while now. You're going to have to try and keep busy to keep your mind of her. No, it's not easy if you were really in to this girl. It hasn't been that long and I can't tell you how long it's going to take for you, but at some point that urge will go away. You don't want to be her second choice any how even if things eventually don't work out with the other guy. A call to her is not going to get you what you want. Write out what you want to say and stash it away on the computer and look at it again in another 30 days and see what you feel. Edited July 4, 2015 by dumbass2
Author binrob Posted July 4, 2015 Author Posted July 4, 2015 DON"T DO IT! You will feel so much worse if you try to contact her at all. She is with someone else. Has been for a while now. You're going to have to try and keep busy to keep your mind of her. No, it's not easy if you were really in to this girl. It hasn't been that long and I can't tell you how long it's going to take for you, but at some point that urge will go away. You don't want to be her second choice any how even if things eventually don't work out with the other guy. I have no intentions to be second choice or any choice for that matter. I feel like I have pretty much burnt the bridges that included any hope for me and her, but I feel like I need to reach out one last time just to clear the smoke and be free. But you are right, I might feel like it's something I need to do, only to end up making it worse. Which is why I am taking my time in deciding.
quattrob Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 I have no intentions to be second choice or any choice for that matter. I feel like I have pretty much burnt the bridges that included any hope for me and her, but I feel like I need to reach out one last time just to clear the smoke and be free. But you are right, I might feel like it's something I need to do, only to end up making it worse. Which is why I am taking my time in deciding. No just no.. how much more clear do you need it to be? She's with another guy and not with you. You're only doing yourself more harm than good if you tried to reach out at your state. The fact that you know that she's not waiting for you to reach out and for you to come on here to even consider reaching out, speaks clearly that you shouldn't reach out at all. In the end if you do, you will be disappointed and it's all unnecessary.
mightycpa Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 The only smoke is in your head, and it will not be cleared up by talking to this chick. Think about it... what would you say to her? What would you expect her to say back? The thing is that she may feel some pang of remorse for the way it ended, or this might be the most satisfying thing she's ever done. Most likely, she hasn't thought twice about it since it happened. The trouble is that you feel that something is unresolved. Your solution, talking to her, presupposes that you can resolve whatever that thing is. It won't. Even if she says "Sorry I treated you so ****ty. You didn't deserve that.", you're going to leave that conversation unsatisfied. You feel like you need this, but I think what most people have learned is that you don't. It just takes time, lots of time, to feel that way. Do yourself a favor, resist, and put that idea out in your mind.
erklat Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 I'm flabbergasted by the number of people who propose waiting some more with this idea like it's some kind of viable option. Contacting her for any reason is tragically bad idea. Like really really bad. Take things at face value. She dumped you to be with another dude. That is the only idea you need to entertain. 2
aloneinaz Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 You need to keep working on yourself my friend. You need to look internally at why you think this way or would want to contact someone so long after they dumped you for another guy. You contacting her at all will probably scare her. She'll think "OMG, why won't this guy get a life and move on!" Don't do it. Keep working on you. Find a therapist to help you understand why she's not fully in the rear view mirror. Be honest w/them and tell them you have not been able to get over it. They can help. 1
54JA Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 I think "letting go completely" requires letting her go completely in all aspects of your life, including that one (perceived) last piece you feel you need in order to completely move on. There is no clear one last step you take to completely move on. There isn't any symbolic gesture you can take to help you propel to the next stage in the long run, only short term. Completely letting go means accepting she has no role in any part of your life, including your healing, closure, or whatever you wanna call it. As someone here already said, it is just an urge that will pass. The urge is masking itself as something you need to do, rather than something you want to do. You don't need to do it. Hang in there.
Ariess10 Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 Bad bad bad idea , what's the point anyways ? You broke up time to move on 1
GammaLeonis Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 You gave her a second chance. I'd agree with other folks. The only plausible reason why you'd want to still contact her is to watch the show.
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 At this point in your healing process, you are over the acute pain. You are only remembering the good times because the harshness of the break up has subsided a bit. You are healing but it's a dangerous time because the softening makes you dream that if you contact her the good stuff will come out & it will be a nice conversation. The reality is she dumped you, cut you out of her life not once but twice and immediately took up with other guys. She's not even the same girl you used to know. Hang on to the good memories but don't contact her. You will only set yourself back and have to heal all over again. Contacting her will send you back to that dark place where you were a wreck. 1
dragonfire13 Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 Honestly, in my experience, prolonging contact or reaching out rarely works out well, especially if youre the one who was more cut up about the break up. It's like scratching an old wound. It sounds like you've been working on yourself and that's good. It's ok for you not to be totally over your ex either. You probably feel a need to reach out because you have gotten into the habit of doing so. It' like you need the reassurance that she is still there. I wouldn't advise it though...it may undo all the progress you've made so far in moving on.
dyna85 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 Binrob, don't do it. You've already suffered enough hurt and don't need to inject yourself further into it, after she's tossed you aside not once but twice. She's made up her mind that she doesn't want to be with you. This is a difficult reality to accept, but you contacting her isn't going to reverse anything. Remember, you can't force feelings and/or love. She chose to leave you and you tried to get back, but it didn't work and she chose again to exit. Do not contact her unless you want to feel miserable again. As much as you're still affected and wanting to contact her, and maybe feeling at least light enough to think that contacting her at this point is okay, it's really not. Not enough time has passed and she should be the one initiating contact after breaking up with you. She chewed you up and spit you out and you still want to crawl back to her? What is wrong with this picture? Trust me, I have the same issue where I struggle to let go and I'm at about the same time table as you in my healing, but you must hold tight to your pride and dignity. In the long run, you'll be glad you did. The fog has yet to lift. You're still healing. It's okay to want to contact your ex. Actually doing it is a different story. Don't act upon that impulse unless you want to get burnt again.
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