Radu Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 I've been thinking lately a lot about both of these, and in what ratios they define ppl. As i saw my standards improve [in not only dating but all manner of relationships] over the last few yrs i am left noticing a transition in wanting ppl around me that are mostly selfless than selfish. Selflessness and kindness have become quite a draw for me. Off-course there is a limit to selflessness and one has to separate between fake and genuine selflessness, but the trend is still there. So i would like to hear from the successful ppl of LS [in terms of relationships] about what ratio of these 2 they see in themselves and their SO's. 5
Gloria25 Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 I was listening to my fav podcaster and I swear that she and I share the same mentality... I watch people now a days and am sick of the selfishness now a days. People don't to nice things in their hood, don't volunteer, don't give back. They divorce, have kids, etc - it's "all about me" mentality going on out there. This "selfishness" is one issue that affects the fears of intimacy I already have. I just don't see myself trusting someone with my heart and/or finances cuz I fear they "don't have my back" and the ego/narcissism/selfishness that is running rampid in this generation scares me into trusting some guy. My fav podcaster was explaining how kids now a days are withdrawing from sports because the sports - like many other things now a days - are not about competition, teamwork, sportsmanship...it's all about showing off, winning, impressing others.... And, she was explaining how kids now a days are being raised to worry about what the world thinks of them rather than develop and pursue their own desires, dreams, etc. And, how their desire to be part of a "community" and "give to others" is being squashed. And I agree....Look at Facebook, Twitter, social media, freakin' "selfies". People are more worried about their 15 min of fame rather than being "them". They wanna be adored by crowd. So, they pursue jobs, education, careers, even marriages/kids w/o it being actually what they want out of life. So yes, I watch people I'm interested in...and if I see they are not "selfless" it worries me. I like people who wanna help their fellow man, who wanna sacrifice, etc. Like some people I used to live around? They left their dogs tied up outside 24/7 - even in the sweltering heat. Not ONCE have I seen them get out in that yard and play with those dogs and/or walk the poor things. While other people may not see that as nothing - I see it as an act of selfishness and it turned me off to them. Like Halloween...I give out toys and candies and I don't even care for kids and/or the people in my hood. Why do I do it? Because I like to make this hood a nice place for the kids. I want the kids to have good memories and be like - 'I live in a cool hood where trick o' treating results in toys and candies. Again, little things I do and when I don't see other people sacrificing/being selfless - it bothers me. At work, I'd bring doughnuts, bagels, cookies, etc. I did it cuz while I could care less about 90% of the people there - again, I wanna make our workplace a better place to be at. I hate to use my examples and I am not bragging here. Actually, I don't like when people figure out it is me that does these nice things. I have had people offer me money and stuff and it upsets me. But, I'm listing these acts of selflessness that IMO, reflect things I look for in other people that make me decide if I can trust them and/or give them a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" in my book. I mean, some people say to watch how someone you're dating treats the staff/waiters when you go out to eat. Well, I watch for acts of selflessness on top of other things... Sorry for the long rant... 2
autumnnight Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 I admit I am selfless....to a point. For a good long while, I can give and give and give....even with no return. However, after awhile I will need to address a really big disparity. And then, if I continue to be the only real giver....I just have enough. And then I am done. Completely. That is basically the short version of what happened in my marriage. Now, when it comes to my kids or taking care of the elderly or helping the homeless that come to our church, etc. that does not apply. I really don't expect any return giving. In relationship? Yeah, I do expect some both way.
Popsicle Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 I believe a successful couple is made up of two selfless people. It requires both to be selfless. If only one is selfless and the other is selfish, or worse, both are selfish, then it will not work out well. Unfulfillment and unhappiness will ensue. 4
Gloria25 Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 Also, whether or not someone is selfish is important to me cuz IMO, it rolls over into the bedroom... Ever read/see the treads on guys who ejaculate too soon, don't please the women, etc? IMO, an unselfish lover is not just worried about getting his rocks off - but in your pleasure. And even "if" he has an issue where he comes too soon, he'd make up for it by fingering and/or going down on you first and/or afterwards to make up for it. Also, an unselfish lover is intuitive - he is paying attention to you and what you like and he is gonna make sure he puts it into practice cuz his joy is in giving you pleasure. When you have two people who are selfless and care about each other, it's an endless back and forth of giving and receiving and what tops that? 1
Author Radu Posted July 3, 2015 Author Posted July 3, 2015 Sorry for the long rant... Not that long ... I don't agree with the podcaster's opinions about sports, but i definitely saw the same other things. I'm starting to have a very bad opinion, almost ugly about selfish ppl. I view it as ppl who say they follow their 'heart' when in fact all they follow is their most basic urges for food, sex, and instant fullfilment. Then they twist things in such a way to make it seem that it was all part of some noble quest that gave them insight. Rationalizing at it's best. I've started seeing them as beasts who can hardly control themselves ... and when you take them to your bosom, is it any wonder that they do what a scorpion does best [referring to the fable] ? I'm in an extreme, and i'll normalize ... but this is what i see now. 2
minimariah Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 Selflessness and kindness have become quite a draw for me. same - ESPECIALLY kindness. kindness is underrated... but it's everything. i seek that in people the most - kindness and general care for others. i observe how people treat those around them - family, friends, coworkers, strangers, waiters, cab drivers, salespeople... if i catch even a hint of rudness? i'm out. 4
Tayla Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 Radu, interesting how as we evolve and progress our views of social values follow suit. In fairness I am not altruistic nor entirely selfish. Self preservation of myself allows for kindness to emulate outwards. Somethings come natural in humanitarian efforts. Usually a sense of people is important. Those who seem to give to enhance another is commendable... yet a line needs to be drawn on when its enabling others. Usually kindness comes with the question, what is the intent? I still marvel at the scenario of being in public and watching how ppl treat a waitress or someone serving them. I' ve yet to see most ppl treat them with graditude, friendliness or civilty. Yet My friends are shocked when I speak to the server in just that manner. Its the easiest thing to treat someone with value in public, yet so few wish to be that way. 3
Els Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 IMO, there is a huge distinction between being kind and being selfless. I find it much easier to be kind - lots of kind acts don't cost you much at all. Selflessness on the other hand is literally putting someone's needs and wellbeing and wants above your own. In other words, kindness is giving a homeless man your lunch and then buying another for yourself, but selflessness is giving someone your lunch despite knowing that you wouldn't be able to afford to buy another lunch for yourself if you did. I think that a large % of the population is actually reasonably kind, but most people are neutral on the selfless/selfish scale. One can be kind without necessarily being altruistic. I (hopefully) wouldn't say that I'm selfish, but I definitely don't consider myself to be selfless either. I'm mostly neutral in that aspect. The SO is much more selfless than I am - I suppose I lucked out in that regard. 5
BluEyeL Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 Incidentally, I just read a book about "nice girls". Being "nice" is great, up to a point. Beyond that, nice people aren't actually really nice. To be real, you have to strike a balance between thinking of others and meeting your own needs, otherwise you can become all kinds of not nice. In my relationship I noticed that if I'm too nice, beyond my limits and beyond what's necessary, I start keeping a silent score and start to have expectations of my partner. So I pulled back a little. Still be nice and helpful but to the extent where I can give without the danger of feeling resentful of no reciprocation. Nobody likes a martyr. 2
casey.lives Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 it's about moderation and having the discernment to choose the appropriate place for timely one, selfishness or selflessness.
SolG Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 IMO, there is a huge distinction between being kind and being selfless. I find it much easier to be kind - lots of kind acts don't cost you much at all. Selflessness on the other hand is literally putting someone's needs and wellbeing and wants above your own. In other words, kindness is giving a homeless man your lunch and then buying another for yourself, but selflessness is giving someone your lunch despite knowing that you wouldn't be able to afford to buy another lunch for yourself if you did. I think that a large % of the population is actually reasonably kind, but most people are neutral on the selfless/selfish scale. One can be kind without necessarily being altruistic. Sorry Radu, I'm not coming from a place of R success so have no experiential authority. However, this reminds me of Dr Gabor Mate's work on the mind-body connection and epi-genetics. From Mate's perspective consistent long-standing selfless behaviour--in the purist sense subversion of ones own self and needs--is incredibly unhealthy both mentally and physically. As is pure selfishness. Assertive kindness and mindfulness would seem to me a better goal. 2
Shepp Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I strive to be a decent, honourable, trustworthy man.. not necessarily a selfless one.. Selflessness is a funny thing, too much and you'll be mugged over..... in which case if your supporting other people then is it still selfless? what is it too be selfless though.. It'd be selfless to not put the ball in the back of the goalies net when he made a mistake right? Let him up, let him have another go. But what about when you have a team of 10 other guys relying on you not to let them down, counting on you, trusting you, to help them to their own personal goals. Then does it become selfish to put your own feelings above that of your teams? I figure life's too complicated and mixed up to be selfish or selfless, everybody has there own perspective in life you cant be all things to all men, all the time. I'm a firefighter by first trade. Is it truly selfless to willing go into a potentially risky situation to save a stranger? Or is it selfish that I put myself in that position when I have a young wife and kids at home counting on me coming home? Complete selflessness seems almost impossible unless you leave no footprint on the world at all.... in which case your wasting your life! Whatever you do causes a knock on effect. Maybe i'll take one for the team, do a job for a mate to spare them of it. But at the same time i'm strengthing our friendship - something of value to me! Even helping out a stranger leaves you feeling positive. My grandad told me if you've got a good heart then you simply have to follow it an it wont lead you too far wrong! I hope i'm a good man but i'd never be able to say I was a completely selfless one.
Author Radu Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 IMO, there is a huge distinction between being kind and being selfless. I find it much easier to be kind - lots of kind acts don't cost you much at all. Selflessness on the other hand is literally putting someone's needs and wellbeing and wants above your own. In other words, kindness is giving a homeless man your lunch and then buying another for yourself, but selflessness is giving someone your lunch despite knowing that you wouldn't be able to afford to buy another lunch for yourself if you did. I think that a large % of the population is actually reasonably kind, but most people are neutral on the selfless/selfish scale. One can be kind without necessarily being altruistic. I (hopefully) wouldn't say that I'm selfish, but I definitely don't consider myself to be selfless either. I'm mostly neutral in that aspect. The SO is much more selfless than I am - I suppose I lucked out in that regard. Hmmm ... interesting distinction. After thinking on it for a while, the distinction that i notice is that kindness is when you do something without a significant damage to your wallet or your daily routine, while selflessness [act not attitude] is when you lower your resources or expend your resources to the benefit of another. In the OP i had in mind something between kindness and selflessness as an attitude. 1
zyphfly Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 In many ways I consider myself a selfish person. In that I buy myself a lot of things I don't need, that I spend a lot of time doing things that bring me joy, etc. However, when it comes to dating/relationships, I seem to throw that thinking away and become so selfless that it's detrimental to my own wellbeing. The funny thing is I am without fail, always attracted to people that are VERY selfish. By which I mean, they all seem to have commonalities like they are great at receiving compliments, being treated to expensive dates, asked how they are doing, having an interest expressed in the little details of their lives, etc. But don't seem to reciprocate any of these things. Like they are interested enough to date me, but not enough to actually care about me on anything past a surface level. I really need to get to a point where I can start feeling more attracted to selfless people.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 So i would like to hear from the successful ppl of LS [in terms of relationships] about what ratio of these 2 they see in themselves and their SO's. As others have said, great thread. I married the first time for "hotness", just couldn't get enough of her. We had a chaotic, argumentative and dissension-filled marriage that shortly blew-up when she cheated on me. I married the second time for kindness. We've endured through life's challenges and I've come to appreciate her generosity of spirit more than ever. In reality, she's changed me and, like you, I find myself more drawn to like-minded people. With varying degrees of success, we've tried to pass a need to emphasize inner beauty on to our kids also, not an easy task is today's society... Mr. Lucky 1
Justanaverageguy Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 (edited) I'll put my hand up and say that up until a couple of years ago I would probably have put myself in the "selfish" camp. In saying that I still think I was a decent human being .... I had good morals, was honest and always treated people with respect. I was also a friendly and fun person to be around - but I was also just very inwardly focused on me. Very dedicated to my career, wanting to be successful, make a lot of money etc. Kind of running as hard as I could in the rat race. I'm pleased to say that I've made a lot of changes in that regard. I think for me the thing that really changed was a few personal things going on in my life that made me stop and re-asses. I looked back at the last 10 years. Whilst I had experienced a great deal of professional success my previous company got sold and I looked back and went what have I really achieved in the last 10 years ? What have I done and what difference have I made ? There was nothing to show for the 10 years of hard slog other then money in the bank and I came to the quite obvious relization that money does not = happiness or contentment. They say money doesn't buy you happiness but everyone has to find that out for themselves . Seriously though if what you are doing is not making other peoples lives better in some meaningful way .... then you're wasting your time. Current girlfriend works in the medical profession with very sick children .... so yeah she still puts me in the shade in that regard Edited August 3, 2015 by Justanaverageguy
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