Looking for a little encouragement and words of wisdom to move on

July 3, 2015

Been lurking a lot here lately, so I figured it's best to write my feelings down since I see a lot of good advice.

Started dating a girl I work with in 2014. I'm 38, she's 34, we've both been hurt in past relationships. First few months she was everything I ever wanted and more. She was fun, beautiful, my type, sex was great, our interests were similar. I had been warned by people that know her (co-workers, her friends, her family) that she's had relationship problems in the past and to watch myself. The love struck guy that I was at the time I ignored those warnings and the signs and figured we'd be different and I could make it work. I'd spend half the week at my house, and the other half of the week with her at her house, plus we'd see each other every day at work on breaks. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with her, but I have a daughter to tend to so that wasn't possible. After a while no matter how much time or effort I made it was never enough. I'd do something nice like get us a couples massage and buy her flowers and she'd be happy for a few days then it was back to I need more affection. I gave this girl more affection than any girl I had ever been with. She'd get upset with me when I didn't answer a text/IM back immediately (we chatted all friggen day) and would ask me why I didn't like something she posted on facebook.She has deep insecurity issues that stem from childhood. She wants whoever she's with to fill those gaps, it's tough.

Things started to go down hill when I took her to a concert. She was upset the entire show and wouldn't tell me why. Here she's friends with another girl I dated at work, she went back 3 years ago on her facebook page and found I had taken her to the same concert. She thought it was rude for me to take her somewhere I had taken another girl. There were a ton of other flashes after this.

She makes more money than me, not that I don't earn a good living, but she insisted that I pay for EVERYTHING. Dinner/movies/drinks/vacation, she'd associated how much money I'd spend on her with affection.

Then my daughter gets brought into the mix. Regardless of what happens to me in my life, my daughter will always be the most important person. With that being said I tried to make this girl feel at least equal because I know about her insecurity issues. So then she became jealous of my daughter. Would ask me stuff like if a bullet was coming and you could only save your daughter or me who would you chose, if you had to chose to take only one of us on a vacation which one would it be, what if we get married and are trying to retire in 20 years and she gets pregnant and you have to take care of her. Then she insisted I take my daughters mom back to court for more custody so I would have to pay less child support. I already have my daughter 6 nights out of every 14, but I pay around $600. She saw that as money we could spend together. She asked if I could get that money back what would I do with it, I said start a college fund for my daughter. Wrong answer. She wanted me to spend that money on her. So the issues with my daughter were the final straw. We broke up in October, I went strict NC, she drunk textd me in November writing "it was so easy to let me go", we started talking again, tried it out again in December, broke up again in January.

After January I was house shopping and wound up buying a house for cheap that needed restoration. So I didn't give her much thought, but we'd chat here and there at work and text every once in a while. She'd drunk text me here and there and I would do the same. About a month ago she sends me a drunk text about not answering a message she sent me at work. I honestly didn't get it but we chatted. I move into my new house and am unpacking boxes and find some of her clothes. So we made arrangements at work so I could give them back. We had a great conversation for 20 minutes, she hugged me then textd me 20 minutes later it was really great seeing you. I was reminded of the girl I had fallen in love with. So like an idiot I drunk textd her, she was very nice and said I have special place in her heart and stuff like that. I know over the past 6 months I had the chance to make it work but I also know she's not the right girl for me. The last few months of our relationship were miserable.

I deleted my facebook last year because I had a lot to focus on with work and buying a house. Logged in a few times and yeah I'll admit I checked out her page now and again. So a few days ago my relative who's friends with her says she has a new boyfriend and she's posting pics of them together all over facebook. The curious guy I am I log in and see her with this guy. It hit me like a of bricks and I've been having a hard time dealing with it ever since. I didn't feel this way after the break up and I guess there was always a part of me that still loved her. I decided to keep my facebook profile open but I deleted/blocked her, deleted all her texts, and her phone number. It'll suck if I run into her at work but that's something I'll have to deal with. Our mutual friend at work said once she realizes I'm back on facebook and have deleted her she's going to have a big issue with it because of the way she is.

Since we've broke up in January I dedicated myself to the gym 5 days a week and look as good as I have in 10 years. The gym has been a life saver in so many ways. When I met with her to give her her clothes back she commented how great I look and that I look so much younger. The benefits of working out.

So here I sit off from work early on a Friday morning. I had a pretty sleepless night, one that I haven't had in years. It's been hard. Deep down I know she wasn't the right girl for me, and quite honestly, I don't think any man is ever going to make her happy. Her friends and family have shared this sentiment with me. But still, seeing your ex with another guy is gut wrenching. I have that awful pain in my chest right now. I have OCD so dealing with these sorts of issues is hard. I have gone out on dates and even had sex with a girl since we've broken up but this is still tough.

Writing this out helped, as I knew it would. Any words of encouragement or advice would be great. Been really trying to keep myself busy but she's still on my mind. I know time heals all wounds and this too shall pass but right now I'm in pain. I don't know why I feel this way after 6 months because I know we aren't right for each other and it's been 6 months. My best friend says I just miss the sex, which is partially true because it was amazing. But I did enjoy her company when she wasn't acting crazy. I'm trying my best to focus on the bad instead of the good but it's been hard.

July 3, 2015

Been lurking a lot here lately, so I figured it's best to write my feelings down since I see a lot of good advice.

Started dating a girl I work with in 2014. I'm 38, she's 34, we've both been hurt in past relationships. First few months she was everything I ever wanted and more. She was fun, beautiful, my type, sex was great, our interests were similar. I had been warned by people that know her (co-workers, her friends, her family) that she's had relationship problems in the past and to watch myself. The love struck guy that I was at the time I ignored those warnings and the signs and figured we'd be different and I could make it work. I'd spend half the week at my house, and the other half of the week with her at her house, plus we'd see each other every day at work on breaks. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with her, but I have a daughter to tend to so that wasn't possible. After a while no matter how much time or effort I made it was never enough. I'd do something nice like get us a couples massage and buy her flowers and she'd be happy for a few days then it was back to I need more affection. I gave this girl more affection than any girl I had ever been with. She'd get upset with me when I didn't answer a text/IM back immediately (we chatted all friggen day) and would ask me why I didn't like something she posted on facebook.She has deep insecurity issues that stem from childhood. She wants whoever she's with to fill those gaps, it's tough.

Things started to go down hill when I took her to a concert. She was upset the entire show and wouldn't tell me why. Here she's friends with another girl I dated at work, she went back 3 years ago on her facebook page and found I had taken her to the same concert. She thought it was rude for me to take her somewhere I had taken another girl. There were a ton of other flashes after this.

She makes more money than me, not that I don't earn a good living, but she insisted that I pay for EVERYTHING. Dinner/movies/drinks/vacation, she'd associated how much money I'd spend on her with affection.

Then my daughter gets brought into the mix. Regardless of what happens to me in my life, my daughter will always be the most important person. With that being said I tried to make this girl feel at least equal because I know about her insecurity issues. So then she became jealous of my daughter. Would ask me stuff like if a bullet was coming and you could only save your daughter or me who would you chose, if you had to chose to take only one of us on a vacation which one would it be, what if we get married and are trying to retire in 20 years and she gets pregnant and you have to take care of her. Then she insisted I take my daughters mom back to court for more custody so I would have to pay less child support. I already have my daughter 6 nights out of every 14, but I pay around $600. She saw that as money we could spend together. She asked if I could get that money back what would I do with it, I said start a college fund for my daughter. Wrong answer. She wanted me to spend that money on her. So the issues with my daughter were the final straw. We broke up in October, I went strict NC, she drunk textd me in November writing "it was so easy to let me go", we started talking again, tried it out again in December, broke up again in January.

After January I was house shopping and wound up buying a house for cheap that needed restoration. So I didn't give her much thought, but we'd chat here and there at work and text every once in a while. She'd drunk text me here and there and I would do the same. About a month ago she sends me a drunk text about not answering a message she sent me at work. I honestly didn't get it but we chatted. I move into my new house and am unpacking boxes and find some of her clothes. So we made arrangements at work so I could give them back. We had a great conversation for 20 minutes, she hugged me then textd me 20 minutes later it was really great seeing you. I was reminded of the girl I had fallen in love with. So like an idiot I drunk textd her, she was very nice and said I have special place in her heart and stuff like that. I know over the past 6 months I had the chance to make it work but I also know she's not the right girl for me. The last few months of our relationship were miserable.

I deleted my facebook last year because I had a lot to focus on with work and buying a house. Logged in a few times and yeah I'll admit I checked out her page now and again. So a few days ago my relative who's friends with her says she has a new boyfriend and she's posting pics of them together all over facebook. The curious guy I am I log in and see her with this guy. It hit me like a of bricks and I've been having a hard time dealing with it ever since. I didn't feel this way after the break up and I guess there was always a part of me that still loved her. I decided to keep my facebook profile open but I deleted/blocked her, deleted all her texts, and her phone number. It'll suck if I run into her at work but that's something I'll have to deal with. Our mutual friend at work said once she realizes I'm back on facebook and have deleted her she's going to have a big issue with it because of the way she is.

Since we've broke up in January I dedicated myself to the gym 5 days a week and look as good as I have in 10 years. The gym has been a life saver in so many ways. When I met with her to give her her clothes back she commented how great I look and that I look so much younger. The benefits of working out.

So here I sit off from work early on a Friday morning. I had a pretty sleepless night, one that I haven't had in years. It's been hard. Deep down I know she wasn't the right girl for me, and quite honestly, I don't think any man is ever going to make her happy. Her friends and family have shared this sentiment with me. But still, seeing your ex with another guy is gut wrenching. I have that awful pain in my chest right now. I have OCD so dealing with these sorts of issues is hard. I have gone out on dates and even had sex with a girl since we've broken up but this is still tough.

Writing this out helped, as I knew it would. Any words of encouragement or advice would be great. Been really trying to keep myself busy but she's still on my mind. I know time heals all wounds and this too shall pass but right now I'm in pain. I don't know why I feel this way after 6 months because I know we aren't right for each other and it's been 6 months. My best friend says I just miss the sex, which is partially true because it was amazing. But I did enjoy her company when she wasn't acting crazy. I'm trying my best to focus on the bad instead of the good but it's been hard.

i am in a similar situation that i had a relationship end with a girl i knew was no good for me, a bit crazy, unpredictable, lots of bpd traits, cant keep a relationship with any man etc anyway the break up didnt bother me at all as i know it was for the best for both of us but the minute i found out she had moved on with another guy she had always been close with it sent me daft with jealousy, bitterness, anger etc. this was about 5 months ago & i truly believe im now mentally scarred by the issue to the point im now seeking professional help as my life has become so miserable & totally consumed by this & my inability to accept the situation & move on.

good luck man, im living your pain every minute of every day.

July 3, 2015

Damn bud...not the encouragement or wisdom I was looking for but good luck with your situation. It's good you're seeking professional help.

July 3, 2015

She has major issues: jealousy, greed, insecurity, needy, etc. You fail to realize there is nothing you would have been able to do that would have put her at ease to the point of contentment. To her, kind acts like couples massages, concerts, dinners, etc. were great during the moment, but then afterward she needed more...like a drug addict getting a fix, then coming down and needing another hit to feel good/high again.

You can never really "buy" a person and no amount of money spent on/with this woman would have ever been enough. She's the type of person you can "rent" for just a little while before needing to make another installment.

A person who asks questions about who you would save if it came down to them or your child is wacko, not a person you want to expose your child to.

Stop stalking her FB or any other form of social media. Go NC. You enjoy going to the gym, perhaps you should try looking for a woman with similar interests rather than getting involved with a work mate. Btw, she shoulds crazy enough to go to HR and accuse you of sexual harrassment.

July 3, 2015

She has major issues: jealousy, greed, insecurity, needy, etc. You fail to realize there is nothing you would have been able to do that would have put her at ease to the point of contentment. To her, kind acts like couples massages, concerts, dinners, etc. were great during the moment, but then afterward she needed more...like a drug addict getting a fix, then coming down and needing another hit to feel good/high again.

You can never really "buy" a person and no amount of money spent on/with this woman would have ever been enough. She's the type of person you can "rent" for just a little while before needing to make another installment.

A person who asks questions about who you would save if it came down to them or your child is wacko, not a person you want to expose your child to.

Stop stalking her FB or any other form of social media. Go NC. You enjoy going to the gym, perhaps you should try looking for a woman with similar interests rather than getting involved with a work mate. Btw, she shoulds crazy enough to go to HR and accuse you of sexual harrassment.

First half, awesome advice. Spot on. Long story short her parents weren't around when she was being raised, she was raised by her grandparents and her grandfather was a dick to her, so she's always looking for new parents, someone to take their place and take her under their wing.

The money aspect I may have exaggerated a bit, but it was thoughtful stuff, most women I'd do thoughtful stuff for they appreciated it, with her (like you said), it was an addiction. We have a mutual friend at work who confided this to me.

I don't stalk her FB, I logged back in after 9 months of inactivity because I heard she had a new BF which was a surprise. Immediately after I unfriended and blocked her, deleted her texts, and deleted her phone number. I'm done. Going complete NC. Just looking or ways to get over this bit of pain.

She's not the type to run to HR, morally she's a decent person and would never do something like that. Her motives might be ****ed up but she's not bitter with me and I've given her no reason to be upset.

July 3, 2015

She may be/seem like a morally decent person, but from what you've said, she runs from hot to cold at the blink of an eye. And if there is suspicion that she'll have big issues once she realizes you are on FB and deleted/block her, then she might see that as a form of rejection and want redemption. You know her, I don't. I'm just an outsider looking at possibilities. You're in a better position to make that call .

Dealing with the pain...time will help. Focus on the positve aspects that have come about. You made a good investment buying a house, you are improving your health with exercise, you have continued to be an awesome father and protected your daughter. Again, try to find someone more compatible with similar interests. And when you do find that person, you'll realize how toxic this past relationship was. Good Luck.

July 3, 2015

She may be/seem like a morally decent person, but from what you've said, she runs from hot to cold at the blink of an eye. And if there is suspicion that she'll have big issues once she realizes you are on FB and deleted/block her, then she might see that as a form of rejection and want redemption. You know her, I don't. I'm just an outsider looking at possibilities. You're in a better position to make that call .

Dealing with the pain...time will help. Focus on the positve aspects that have come about. You made a good investment buying a house, you are improving your health with exercise, you have continued to be an awesome father and protected your daughter. Again, try to find someone more compatible with similar interests. And when you do find that person, you'll realize how toxic this past relationship was. Good Luck.

Thanks bud, great advice. Needed a pick me up this morning, this is just what I needed. Did a work out, bout to run to the pool with my daughter. It's beautiful here today. Trying to focus on the positives.

Regarding exercise, anyone reading this, if you're in pain and don't already...GO TO THE GYM. If you're bummed and down STILL GO. Just do anything, walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes. The atmosphere alone will inspire hope in you. The gym is my center.

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

Edited July 3, 2015 by Learningtowalkagain

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Looking for a little encouragement and words of wisdom to move on

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