GoingInCircles Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 This has been bothering me for a long time now. This is a little long, but I really need and want to hear advices/comments from people. Please help me. It all started when I was in eighth grade. The summer before eight grade, I was harassed (some stranger touched my butt out of the blue as we walk past each other on the street) and started to develop fear toward guys. Maybe it was because of this that I had a crush on her (before this I had always liked guys). I was very confused with myself at that time since the whole idea of sexuality was so foreign and scary to me; I never thought I would be doubting my own sexual orientation. Anyway, we soon became friends and got closer as time went by. She was my true best friend and we'd email each other every day, sharing the ups and downs we had. She told me she knew that she's into girls and told me about her past, but I never let her know I was falling for her at that time, nor did I imagine she fell for me at the same time. Fast-forward a couple months, we found out our feelings were mutual and finally ended up together toward the end of eighth grade. After we got into high school, more problems started to occur. I have always been a pessimistic person with a lack of confidence in myself. Often times, I lose the meaning to live and become depressed every other week or so; she really wanted to help me overcome this. But I just couldn't find a way to get out of it. Sometimes we ended up arguing over this because I just couldn't change. Also, we had to deal with hiding our relationship. Being the young selves we were, she brought up the idea to "break up but still continue to be friends," but it never worked out. How could I decide where the boundary was if we broke up still loving each other? In the end, we became complete strangers and cut off all connections by the end of ninth grade. I was already depressed prior to the break up. After the break up, I was devastated. The feeling of "I'm not good enough" kept haunting me and always rang in my head, convincing myself that the break up was, again, due to me not being good enough. I began over-exercising, diving into schoolwork, struggling with eating disorder, distancing myself from friends, having major mood swings, etc. --- overall just killing myself from the inside out. It got to the point that my period stopped and my parents had to take me to the hospital. Then began a series of visiting psychologists, psychiatrists, nutritionists, ob/gyn, etc. I was a mess and the weight I gained from taking prescribed birth control pills further destroyed my self-esteem. I wanted to disappear from the world. My parents never knew the cause to my big change. They thought it was because of the health class ninth-graders had to take. You know, teaching you how to eat healthy and exercise accordingly. They thought I just took that to the extreme. I went to different hospitals and got a good number of tests and a few prescriptions here and there for around two to three years. All these years, both the doctors and my parents knew nothing about my relationship with the girl since I could never brought myself to admit it. What if it was just a phase, like how some people think? Anyway, high school was hell and oh was I glad to get out of that place. Two years ago, I became a college freshman and got to break away from ever seeing her in the hallways. Everything was a new start; I joined clubs and other organizations, opened up to people, saw myself making meaningful friendship once again. I was so glad I was finally pushing part of the high school me away. There were instances when I felt like I was actually improving.....other times not so much. Even today, I still feel blue every so often and question the good in myself. In short, something happened a couple months ago. Ever since then, I've been having terrible, major relapses and I began to think if I'll ever be able to recover from thinking about the past. I started Facebook stalking her again after all those years of successful attempts to stop myself (she unfriended me a while after we broke up). I want to talk to her even though messaging her will probably do more harm to her (or to the both of us) and bring back old scars. Do I have the right to disturb/remind her when she may very well have already moved on? Or maybe I'm thinking too much, that, perhaps, I don't mean anything to her anymore, so receiving my message means nothing to her? I realized that all this time I've just been taking two steps forward followed by two steps backward, avoiding my feelings until they hit me again. Am I really improving? Five years ago, I was only fifteen. I know fifteen may sound way too young to fully understand things, let alone knowing how to differentiate between liking someone and loving someone. But. This certainly is a huge part of my life. As of right now, I'm lost......... Should I message her? What should I do?
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