TheSpecial Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 I wrote here a while back, and would like to share and get suggestions about what is going on in my life. To make things quick: BF broke up with me after 4 1/2 years because I'd lost my self esteem and he said he'd never date someone who was depressed. Been just over a year since our breakup. He moved across the country to get away from me directly following the breakup but returned after just 2 1/2 months claiming it was terrible. LC for the first 3 months. NC for about 9 months initiated by me. He has tried to contact me at least once a month during NC, although I recently started responding since he changed his number and I'd replied before he told me who it was. Received private calls for the first 3 months NC, which stopped when I answered one and passed it off to a male friend of mine. I had asked my phone company to check the number for me as I felt threatened and it was his number. At 6 months post breakup, it was my birthday. He sent both me and my mom bouquets of roses even though we had not talked in almost 4 months. Then continued to send me one gift a day for four days following my bday since I didn't respond to his gestures. (I just didn't want a pity party). He also called me 8 times during that week, and on the last one, left a voicemail saying happy birthday and that he's coming back to my city permanently in 2 weeks and that he will see me when he's back. He clearly intended to sound remorseful, which I questions the veracity of, so I didn't respond to that either. Ran into him twice in the month following that incident, in places where he knows I go every weekend with my family. He was enthusiastic about running into me, but seemed sad and uncomfortable that I didn't respond to him and left the restaurant right after us talking, telling his parents "he suddenly wasn't feeling well" and didn't even stay to eat. He sent my fam well wishes on Easter (a low value holiday) Tricked me into talking to him by sending me a "Are you graduating" text from another new number, and refused to tell me who it was until after a few texts. I carried on politely with that convo for a day but then just stopped responding. He called me the next week to ask what year he began working at my school, which isn't hard to figure out since he'd only worked there for 3 months a year prior. It was awkward convo: I answered his questions then he left a long silence as if to need to say something so i just said "OK, good luck, bye" and hung up. So this along with a few other small incidents.. is his trying to relieve guilt or is he trying to test the waters? Im not looking for reconciliation at this point, but i'd be open to trying casual dating if he seemed improved. If he's just relieving guilt, I plan to change my number and email and never talk to him again. If he's trying to make amends, then I won't.
Author TheSpecial Posted July 2, 2015 Author Posted July 2, 2015 His recent call seemed to indicate that he was looking for a job, which was a big issue while we were together. He was dropped from college for bad grades and did not do anything, including work, for two years. I always pushed him to find a job because it was straining our relationship that he wasn't being productive. I thought maybe that call was intended to show me that he was trying to improve?
aloneinaz Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 He simply sounds immature and you not engaging with him is making you a challenge. He's almost stalking you at this point to be honest. I honestly don't think he's trying to alleviate his guilt or he'd simply come out and tell you that. If he wanted to get you back, why wouldn't he simply tell you that? Why all this other BS? My thoughts are you should change your phone number and email so he can't bother you any further. If you run into him again, be firm and tell him you'll file a restraining order if he keeps contacting you. It sounds like the R/S the first time was a disaster. He's still not working? Why even consider thinking about dating this guy again? 2
Author TheSpecial Posted July 2, 2015 Author Posted July 2, 2015 Hmmm.. interesting perspective. I've never thought of it that way. You think this is him being more immature not less immature? He VERY immature in the relationship. He seemed to be torn between his commitment to me and to be "the bro". He's only 22, as am I. I just don't get why he's doing what he's doing. I would only consider dating him again if he's matured because that was his main flaw. I was always the only one fighting for our relationship. He would refuse to talk about our issues because it was too much stress for him. To be honest, I have no good reason to justify why I still have a tiny bit of hope. But im at a point where i'll be happy no matter what the outcome.
KatZee Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 I honestly think he's going through a mental mind-f_uck right now. I think the fact you've avoided him, refused to take his calls, refused to respond to his texts, and have cut him off essentially every single time, he's got this inflated sense of your value. His ego is torched at this point. I think you as a challenge is making him want you THATMUCH more and it's killing him that he can't get through to you. (This is an immature trait) Honestly though, why would you ever want to be with someone long term who says: I could never date anyone who is depressed. Think about that. He only wants you at your best. If you go through bad times, if you're not that happy with yourself and life at a moment, he won't stand by you. He sounds like an idiot. Everyone's life is going to have ups and downs. You need a partner to support you, not someone who's going to run when things get hard. 3
54JA Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 I think he is trying to win you back, but if the issue was his immaturity, it would take more than the gifts and flowers to show he's grown. A mature guy would focus on himself, whether through finishing up school, getting a job, whatever else he can do to improve aspects of his life, and not rely on superficial tactics.
frigginlost Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 Rough crowd here. Here's a thought: Next time you hear from him, ask him what he wants from you. Then go from there. No, what he is doing is not to relieve his guilt. It sounds like he's testing the waters, although in an extremely child like manner.
Author TheSpecial Posted July 2, 2015 Author Posted July 2, 2015 @Katzee I'm trying to make sense of that myself. You're so right when you say I shouldn't accept that type of behavior, and I no longer intend to. I just wish that he would see the ways he's wronged me and decides to change his outlook- mainly understanding that he was an unsupportive boyfriend. I give one too many chances I think. @54JA So what should I wait for to see that he's put in enough effort? Idk what I should be looking for to believe that he's a new person. @friggenlost I asked that question 3 months post breakup because we'd been talking a lot. He said "I thought we could be friends, nothing more. If you want I can stop contacting you". So that day I cut contact and the next thing I knew he was sending me gifts. The mixed signals are confusing me. You think I should still ask?
KatZee Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 You just need to send one message to him: "I am not interested in being your friend. Please stop contacting me, mailing me gifts, and showing up where you know I will be." 2
frigginlost Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 @Katzee I'm trying to make sense of that myself. You're so right when you say I shouldn't accept that type of behavior, and I no longer intend to. I just wish that he would see the ways he's wronged me and decides to change his outlook- mainly understanding that he was an unsupportive boyfriend. I give one too many chances I think. @54JA So what should I wait for to see that he's put in enough effort? Idk what I should be looking for to believe that he's a new person. @friggenlost I asked that question 3 months post breakup because we'd been talking a lot. He said "I thought we could be friends, nothing more. If you want I can stop contacting you". So that day I cut contact and the next thing I knew he was sending me gifts. The mixed signals are confusing me. You think I should still ask? Nope. No need to ask again. Once is enough. His total loss. Block him everywhere again. 1
Author TheSpecial Posted July 3, 2015 Author Posted July 3, 2015 It's just hard to finally say I've given up on him 100%. I'm just scared that I'm the one making the mistake by not giving him another shot. I don't want to always question if I was too unforgiving and passed up something good.
Author TheSpecial Posted July 3, 2015 Author Posted July 3, 2015 Thanks for reminding me of my self worth guys
Author TheSpecial Posted July 3, 2015 Author Posted July 3, 2015 You don't think 10 months is enough time for him to have changed?
Simon Phoenix Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 You don't think 10 months is enough time for him to have changed? The fact that he continues his juvenile contact attempts rather than actually coming correct doesn't bode well for him evolving. If he had matured, he'd either a) come correct and be transparent about his motives or b) realize that you aren't interested and leave you alone. Him acting like a fly buzzing around the room makes me skeptical that there's any substantial growth.
54JA Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 I don't think you should wait and see if he puts in more effort (work on himself). I think you should make your decision based on what he is/how he is right now. I don't think anyone should give someone a second chance based on what the person may or may not become. You mentioned that you lost your self-esteem. I recommend that you stay single for a while and figure out how you can get that back. When people are depressed, it's hard to have a clear perspective and hard to act in your own best interests. Giving him another chance may not be in your best interest right now. 1
Author TheSpecial Posted July 3, 2015 Author Posted July 3, 2015 @Simon Phoenix Yeah you're right. It is telling. Part of me was just starting to be convinced because of the whole "pay attention to actions not words" mantra, and what I was seeing him do was try to get back to me in whatever way that may be. But in that light, I see how his "coming back" is in fact showing his lack of growth thereof, not the opposite. @54JA In the past year that we've been apart I can honestly say that my self esteem has been a lot better. I acknowledge that a lot of that improvement was due to my own initiative to be happier with myself since I didn't do that for myself while in the relationship. That being said, a lot of the reason I was sad was because I couldn't change my romantic situation with him. I kept hoping for more, hearing his promises, but never seeing results. Now that I'm no longer deluded with visions of love, I can see that yeah, I had my problems, but even more so that he was putting all of his baggage of me, which lead to my bad self esteem. So, what you're saying really strikes home with me. I've casually dated a few people since the breakup but i've kinda given up on it for a few months. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 I figured he was young and he's acting like a child. I think he's bored, you've become a bit of a challenge again and he's playing dumb mind games that you're allowing. He doesn't seem to offer much as a BF. No job? Really? Does he want to be your friend so you can take him out and pay for things? Would you need to pick him up as well? He's seriously immature and he certainly hasn't changed based on his ACTIONS.. He probably thinks you still are pining for him and will come running back when he asks. You need to stop allowing his dumb games, spend more time alone working on yourself and then find someone that has something to offer. He clearly doesn't. Also, don't lose sight that dumpers (especially at his age) love the challenge of getting people back then only dump them once the hunt is over. He's already dumped you once. He'll do it again.
Author TheSpecial Posted July 3, 2015 Author Posted July 3, 2015 @aloneinaz I don't know about that. I feel like I made enough of a statement over the past 10 months by ignoring him. I thought I more than proved I was no longer pining over him by not giving into his breadcrumbs. It was literally only this past week that we had gotten back into contact and it was just a mistake on my part since I responded to a number I didn't recognized, thinking it was one of my friends. Once he told me it was him, I was polite but brief. Mostly one word answers or one sentence long. Then I cut him off again. It's just so hard for me to think that he's just toying with my emotions. Yeah he was immature before but I never thought of him as that guy...
54JA Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 It's awesome to hear that the time apart has allowed you to regain your self-esteem. You have successfully maintain NC, why stop now? You have made so much improvement by focusing on yourself, why would you allow him to interfere? Keep up the good work, woman!
Author TheSpecial Posted July 3, 2015 Author Posted July 3, 2015 @54JA Thanks! ^.^ I'm glad I've come so far too. It was hard but I'm proud of who I've become. It's thanks to people like you that changed my mentality regarding relationships that allowed me to get out of the ditch I was in. I now see that I undervalued myself and, in that sense, contributed to the demise of the relationship because I let him walk on me. I sincerely hope to walk forward with an open mind. If he doesn't ever apologize, I know I dodged a bullet, and if he does, I'll consider what to do when the time comes. But besides that, I'm trying to move on and not let anything he does hold me back!!! BOOYAAAHHH 2
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