piipip Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 I have this good friend, let's call her Katrina. She became friends with a guy Sean a few years back and he was in a relationship up until recently. They always were pretty close before and I almost thought they'd be the two people who'll prove that a guy and a girl really can be that good of friends without being intimate. Well, not long after Sean became single Sean and Katrina became a couple. It made sense. It really did. What didn't make sense was that I had developed an attraction to Sean, as well. He just speaks my language and is one of those rare people who I feel this unexplainable bond with. I should mention that my friendship with Katrina has always included open discussions about sex (in detail, may I add) and other perhaps taboo topics. It's basically the equivalent of the dynamics of the Sex and the City broads. And it has been fine and dandy... Until now. It just burns me to listen their sexy shower stories and even things as innocent as activities they've planned together. It's hard to not react accordingly and not change my response from the usual. It just makes me shut down when we're in a group setting, I can't help but be thrown by their relationship. It's almost like it doesn't exist or isn't as serious before she starts going on about the coupley intimacy and I'm slapped awake all over again. And it's not like I can have him as a friend, either. That would be weird. He is in our circle of friends now but the communication should stay superficial. There are just these moments when I hear him talk and his reactions to me that ring so true and so right. It's a shame this can't progress anywhere and I should probably move on. But HOW? By losing Katrina, as well? What I'm mostly looking for here is empathy and similar experiences. They tend to comfort me. So feel free to share. P.S. Also write about being left out of conversations only people in a relationship have with each other (because your temporary status makes you unqualified for those). That's also fun.
minimariah Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) I have this good friend, let's call her Katrina. happened to me -- i have a close friend... let's name her Stella. me & Stella had a REALLY fantastic friendship and she (to this day) means a LOT to me. so Stella met this wonderful dude and they started getting serious and i was introduced to him and we all started hanging out together... & i suddenly found myself being SUPER attracted to him. i felt awful and guilty and horrible. now... i KNEW right away that nothing would happen, even if he wanted to be with me because i valued Stella's friendship much more. i was honest and open with Stella, we sat down and i told her -- look, i feel something for your man and it's getting really awkward and uncomfortable and i don't know how to deal with it without losing you. and we had a really long chat about it because our friendship was TRULY and still is, a fantastic one. i kept communicating with Stella and stopped hanging out with them as a couple - i was only hanging out with Stella and the rest of our friends. sure, there were situations where hanging out with both Stella and her boyfriend was inevitable... but those moments were rare and i was able to go through them without bigger issues. Stella also stopped telling me their personal and sexual business and we talked about sex in general. we talked about my attraction to her boyfriend and how and why and when and we even discussed the possible scenario of me ending up with him. we REALLY talked it aaaaaall over until we came to one conclusion -- no man, affair or a broken relationship will possibly ruin the bond we have with each other. and that honesty and communication only made us stronger because she is one of... maybe two people on this planet i truly believe and i truly have no taboo topics we shy away from discussing. eventually... just like it came, my attraction for her man went away. i ignored him as much as i could, limited my interaction with him in every way i could, didn't stalk him online and got over him just the way i would get over an ex boyfriend. so my advice to you is this - figure out how much Katrina means to you and what is REALLY your relationship with her like. you should be honest and communicate the problem with Katrina & that will probably be a true test of your relationship. it can, of course, backfire and totally ruin your friendship with Katrina but it is what it is. you will either progress and move your friendship to a new (better) level OR "break up" with her. the conversation is mad awkward and just... weird and she will probably become panicky over "OMG ARE THEY HAVING AN AFFAIR?!" type of thinking but... again, it happens. you can also choose to keep quiet and limit your interaction with Sean as much as you can but... i don't recommend that. it's never a good idea to keep quiet and act like everything is just peachy. if Sean DOES show interest in you and approaches you, you'll enter an affair that will not only result in losing Katrina... but hurting her unnecessarily, too. don't let that happen. if something does happen between you and Sean and if you and Sean decide to be together... make sure you communicate and talk to Katrina FIRST. P.S. Also write about being left out of conversations only people in a relationship have with each other (because your temporary status makes you unqualified for those). that's normal because relationships, like people, change. my relationship with Stella wasn't the same when we were single and when she got married. the relationship dynamic also changed when she and the rest of my girlfriends gave birth and i was childless. suddenly, all my advices were void because "what do you know, you're not a mother" - it also changed when me and my other friend got divorced while Stella and two other girlfriends gushed about the loves of their lives. it suddenly made us unqualified for giving any relationship advices. you know...? relationships change when life changes, the dynamic is never the same. you'll probably lose some friends and gain some new ones, too. nothing lasts forever. Edited July 2, 2015 by minimariah 1
Author piipip Posted July 2, 2015 Author Posted July 2, 2015 Thanks minimariah, especially for this: that's normal because relationships, like people, change. my relationship with Stella wasn't the same when we were single and when she got married. the relationship dynamic also changed when she and the rest of my girlfriends gave birth and i was childless. suddenly, all my advices were void because "what do you know, you're not a mother" - it also changed when me and my other friend got divorced while Stella and two other girlfriends gushed about the loves of their lives. it suddenly made us unqualified for giving any relationship advices. you know...? relationships change when life changes, the dynamic is never the same. you'll probably lose some friends and gain some new ones, too. nothing lasts forever.
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