Clarkwg Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) I feel my life is ruined due to the break up of my dysfunctional relationship 6 months ago. She has bpd traits & is a bad drug user, our relationship was very toxic where by we argued & split up very frequently over the period of nearly a decade. She would always end with me then I would go beg her back & this went on for about 7 years. When we got together She was a single mother on welfair & the turbulence of the on/off nature of this relationship kind of ground me down over the years to the point whereby I didn't trust her & thought the relationship was doomed to failure anyway so I didn't fully commit myself & I really should have ended years ago for good but for some reason I kept on resuscitating it only for the same problems to reoccur within no time. There was definitely more stress, sadness & trouble between us than good times but for some reason I couldn't let go. She has now moved on & is giving her new man hell with the same crap, (she has been in touch with me telling me about it) but for me I am still obsessed & infatuated by her & the idea that we may be together again someday. I know we can not & would never work, I know she will not work with anyone else either long term due to her ways but I still have part of me that thinks I love her & want to be with her & would do anything for that chance. This infatuation with her has totally consumed my life, it's all I think about all day everyday, it's all I speak about to people & I now truly believe I have got mental health issues over her even though the sane part of me knows I shouldn't be anywhere near her. We have a daughter so limited contact is as good as it gets for me but the minute she abuses her new man she gets in contact with me & acts all sweet & draws me straight back to square one even though she doesn't want me. Can anyone offer he advice or help on how to break this obsession, how much longer do I have to live this absolute misery over something that I shouldn't want anyway? Edited July 2, 2015 by Clarkwg
aloneinaz Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 I've read that ending a long term, toxic relationship, especially with a BPD person can leave you in a state of post traumatic stress disorder. Sometimes people also get "addicted" to the highs and lows of these toxic relationships and thrive on the chaos they create. Have you sought out any therapy or books on the subject? Have you moved onto a more normal, healthy relationship? You need to keep your contact with her to the bare minimum. I'm guessing your single right now and maybe a bit lonely as well. It's natural to think about the last person you loved. I survived after a R/S with a borderline. It was extremely difficult to put it fully in the rear view mirror. When a borderline is on their best behavior, they are simply intoxicating, like a drug. Sadly, most of the time they are not pleasant and you live a life of hell.
Author Clarkwg Posted July 2, 2015 Author Posted July 2, 2015 I've read that ending a long term, toxic relationship, especially with a BPD person can leave you in a state of post traumatic stress disorder. Sometimes people also get "addicted" to the highs and lows of these toxic relationships and thrive on the chaos they create. Have you sought out any therapy or books on the subject? Have you moved onto a more normal, healthy relationship? You need to keep your contact with her to the bare minimum. I'm guessing your single right now and maybe a bit lonely as well. It's natural to think about the last person you loved. I survived after a R/S with a borderline. It was extremely difficult to put it fully in the rear view mirror. When a borderline is on their best behavior, they are simply intoxicating, like a drug. Sadly, most of the time they are not pleasant and you live a life of hell. Iv read books & internet about being addicted to a person but to be honest I don't feel Iv made much progress since the "new relationship" news broke almost 5 months ago. I do minimal contact (daughter related issues only) then she had a tiff with her new man, reaches out to me & I go running just so I can spend some time with her, she tells me all about her new relationship failings, I fall back head over heals for her then she gets back with new man & I'm left distraught & back at square one, this has happened twice now, once in April & once last week. I feel I'm the problem because I shouldn't let her back in but something inside me can't refuse just like a cocain addict with a fat line & $20 bill rolled up I front of them would be, it's insane but it's the sad truth of the situation. I know we will prob never ever be together again & I even more so know that if we were it wouldn't last at all, she is horrible, selfish, self hating, controlling a bad drug user & anybody with .000001% self respect wouldn't go near this woman knowing what I know but i do have a mental health problem that is stopping me letting go of this toxic woman. I'm not with anybody at the moment, I did start seeing someone but then my ex got in touch & spent time with me so I finished with new girl because I wanted my horrible ex
aloneinaz Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 Read your last post. You know what you need to do. You can't be her emotion kotex every time she needs a shoulder to cry on. Set up strong boundaries with her. Keep any contact short and sweet. If SHE doen't like it, tough. Worry about you and what's in YOUR best interests. Work on you and your issues so you can be great in your next relationship.
Author Clarkwg Posted July 2, 2015 Author Posted July 2, 2015 Read your last post. You know what you need to do. You can't be her emotion kotex every time she needs a shoulder to cry on. Set up strong boundaries with her. Keep any contact short and sweet. If SHE doen't like it, tough. Worry about you and what's in YOUR best interests. Work on you and your issues so you can be great in your next relationship. I don't want to be her shoulder to cry on or ear to listen to her ****, but when she contacts me & tells me new man has temporary been given the cold shoulder I get this deluded notion that that means she wants to work things out with me when deep inside I know she doesn't & it would end in absolute disaster anyway but I just can't resist like a junkie with drugs
Pyramidsong Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 Brother, I had an obsession with a girl who had traits of NPd/BPD, having a child with someone like that can be a very tough task I can imagine. I was obsessed partly due to it being my first love also, I did some ridiculous things my friend and sat up nights talking to myself. I got over this by going to therapy, surrounding myself with my friends, working on my music and also working on me so that when the next person who comes into my life I am ready for. It took me 5 months to date someone, I've found someone who I can be myself and not even think of her anymore. I would suggest meditation also, an app called 'headspace' which helped me tonnes. Stick to it religiously and don't expect wonders to happen over night, it does work but over time. That can help give you peace. I do feel your pain, but one day you will look back on this and think 'my god how was I obsessed'. Just think, life is too short, it's time to move on and get out there buddy. It's easier said than done, but just stewing about this isn't healthy. Over time you will get there, minimise contact and find someone worth your time. Hope this helps, PyramidSong. 1
54JA Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 You have to make a decision not to talk to her about anything other than about your daughter and commit to it. Again, it's a decision and commitment. It's a decision and commitment you make every morning when you wake up. You have to take the pain and sit with it and not reach for the quick fixes. It is very disrespectful and thoughtless of her to talk about her current relationship with you. Even if you two get back together, what's is what she will be doing behind your back with some other man. The drug use while raising a child is a concern. You have to stay strong for your daughter.
foolinlove79 Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 I know what you are going through. I dont have a kid with my ex thank god but our rs was very unstable and i think he haa bpd traits too. I think it may actually be harder to move on from these toxic on/off rs then a more healthy rs that didnt work out. These people suck you in and you are on a roller-coaster. Maybe its all the highs and lows that go on that ends up addicting you. Im just trying day by day to move on. We both know these people are not good for us.
aloneinaz Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 I think it may actually be harder to move on from these toxic on/off rs then a more healthy rs that didnt work out. These people suck you in and you are on a roller-coaster. Maybe its all the highs and lows that go on that ends up addicting you. This is very true. You become addicted to the dysfunction of the relationship. BPD women are experts at manipulation. They make you feel SSOO special. Your the best lover, friend, bf, etc.. EVER. They have a knack of always saying the right thing. They are very complimentary of you. "Your the best looking BF I've ever had", etc.. They use sex as a tool of manipulation. Typically, the sex is off the charts! It's VERY hard to break free from those relationships. It was for me. I'm SSOO grateful that I had met a normal women when my ex BPD reappeared asking me to come back to her. Oh hell no!! My son said "Dad, she's bat $hit crazy"! I don't miss the stress/anxiety/confusion/chaos/arguments/fights, etc.. The only thing I think about when she comes across my mind (besides how F-up she was) is the hot sex.. Damn.. it really was good!!
foolinlove79 Posted July 3, 2015 Posted July 3, 2015 This is very true. You become addicted to the dysfunction of the relationship. BPD women are experts at manipulation. They make you feel SSOO special. Your the best lover, friend, bf, etc.. EVER. They have a knack of always saying the right thing. They are very complimentary of you. "Your the best looking BF I've ever had", etc.. They use sex as a tool of manipulation. Typically, the sex is off the charts! It's VERY hard to break free from those relationships. It was for me. I'm SSOO grateful that I had met a normal women when my ex BPD reappeared asking me to come back to her. Oh hell no!! My son said "Dad, she's bat $hit crazy"! I don't miss the stress/anxiety/confusion/chaos/arguments/fights, etc.. The only thing I think about when she comes across my mind (besides how F-up she was) is the hot sex.. Damn.. it really was good!! And thats another reason its so ****ed up and hard to be done with it. You think if the sex is good there must be something about the rs right.? Wrong!! its just something else that makes it harder to be done once and for all. It doesnt make up for all the pain and put downs and break ups and games and worry... 1
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